confused

[jellybean]

October 9,2002

Sigh, I know I’ve already started to write in my book, but I just don’t feel like writing right now. So hey I'm going to be lazy and type. To many thoughts are running through my stupid little head. Now I’m thinking about Wes and Christina and if I should of tried harder to see them. Okay so to see Christina and by seeing her I would of seen Wes. But still I don’t know were I stand with her. I’m not sure she knows were we stand at all or if she ever knew to start with. Her and her girlfriend are having problems because her girlfriends parents are no longer cool with their daughter being a lesbian...which is why they have to use Trisha’s and Andy’s appt to do their “thing”. I don’t know what their going to do next weekend with Trisha and Andy are on their honeymoon and Anthony is gone. But her and I were so close yet so far away and now it just seems we’re replaced each other and don’t need each other in our lives anymore. I’m not sure our friendship was ever really that great because we wanted it to be or because we needed it to be. I was a sub for Laura and she was a sub for Trisha. Shit happens I guess. As for Wes, I just really want to send his shit back to him, that and see what his new girlfriend looks like. Just out of curiosity. Hmm wait a minute was she at Coffee Bean I don’t think so...I think she may of met up with Christina and her little 15’s year olds at the bowling ally. But anyways, I guess I should be thinking about Brian more, than I do...or don’t. But I don’t know what to think as long as we’re in person we do fine. But other than that over the phone we just plain suck. I’m not totally sure but I think this relationship is based on sex for me. Which I know I shouldn’t say, but that’s all I’m getting out of it. I don’t know maybe I should take sometime away from him like I said and see what I want. Because the more I think about it, the more I do miss woman. I don’t know if I’m gay or not. I always thought it was just a Christina deal, but then there’s Meredith, and I do check out chicks a lot. And flirt and hit on them. There are just so many things I wanted to share with people that I know I will never get the chance too. Like now Monkey is engaged to some chick I didn’t even know he was dating. So I’ll never be able to tell him how I feel, because that would just be to icky. And Shawn well I do tell Shawn but I don’t think he believes me or he does and he just doesn’t care. I hate being in love with someone who doesn’t know or doesn’t care to love you back. But what am I talking about I’m dating someone. I have a boyfriend 2 states away, but his there somewhere. And he says he loves me more than his loved anyone in his life. And I wish I could say the same for him. But I don’t know if I do, I don’t know how I feel...everything just seems so numb. So painless. He asked what I felt when we “make love”. And I didn’t know how to answer him. I don’t know how I feel...well I feel happy and pleased but I think he meant on some deeper level....like do I realize we’re making love. But when we talk about it...it’s just sex not making love. So I don’t know I’m so confused. I wish I knew if I liked woman or men more. Woman turn me on, but I date men. Mostly because I don’t know any lesbian’s here. And I don’t think I come across as one. To girlie I guess I’m not butch enough. Or maybe it’s just because I have no friends or no means for a social life here. There way you look at it. I’m not happy. And I guess that says a lot for itself. But I won’t break up with Brian, I’m safe with him. It’s comfortable, and I like comfort I know his not going to leave me, and if he cheats on me oh well. I don’t care, I just wanna watch (man was that a male statement or what).

 

[jellybean]

October 11,2002
I went and got my dress for the marine corp ball. It's soo pretty! Went around today to try and find shoes and stuff...got everything but a bra. At Dillards they have bra's were they're backless and you TAPE them to your side. Tape! That just seems painful to me...the things we have to do but be consided pretty *sigh* I miss the days when were your swimming suit and cowboy boots meant you were ready to go outside. But then again, I don't like to wear my swimming suit to the pool let alone in pubic. To be honest I don't know why I'm posting I don't have anything to say. I'm so freakin tired! I slept so well last night, almost to well. I suppose I'll go lay down and start reading till I fall asleep. G'night.

 

[jellybean]

October 11,2002
Yes two posts in one day...well really it's the 12 but oh well. I'm tried but not sleepy tired just blahish. Trina is a doll she really is. She bought be the Friend Bear from Care Bear's (I'm a total care bear freak well all 80's cartoons). I have to fly back to Phx on Monday. Grandma hurt herself again. Doctor said don't lay on anything lay so what does she do...goes and gets her hair done. So she hurts her neck again...freakin woman. But I'll get to finish Cowboy Bebop and hang with Ryan and Mike. And then see Shawn and maybe get my dance if his up to it. But the down side I won't have my net to talk to Trina everynight at 1030. Or my own home, plus Grandma smokes *icky face* Talked to Brian tonight for about 2 hrs. Longest in awhile, it was a nice conversatioin his jealous I'll be hanging out with Ryan and Mike, but oh well. And his happy to be going to the Marine Ball thingy. I think his more happy to get me in a dress. Mom could not be happier about it...she wants to go now. Blah! I don't think so...that's Stacy "fun and crazy" time. Anyways, I think going to go to bed...I'm all sleepy like. Nights

 

[jellybean]

October 13,2002
*sigh* just when I think I got things kinda worked out...life just says nope here deal with this. I'm going back to Phx tomorrow, and talking to Paul last night, said something about Shawn to the effect that he may want to try again with me...or something like that. So I was thinking about that all night and day. If me and Shawn would work out, or could we. If I could try to see him when I'm there...what well happen if I do...that kinda crap. And then I told an old friend turned bestest friend. That I wanted to ask her out like senior yr but I was chicken shit because I was afraid she'd hit me. And tonight she told me she was nervous because she wrote a friend an email she shouldn't have I asked what it said she told me to check my mail.
And in her own way she told me that she wasn't sure if she was straight or gay. And now that I'm talking to her. She doesn't know if she likes likes me or likes me as a friend. So that's just more to add to my plate. But I know nothing well happen between us for a long time! It took me 2 yrs to get her to hug me and be comfortable with it. So I guess we'll see how things work out when I get to Phx. Ryan laid down my rules. NO SEX! hehe. Damn Anyone got any ideas...because I'm totally out of them. *sigh* I'm going to go finish packing I hate planes blah. I hate the waiting rooms more. I wish I had a computer there....So I'll try to remember things for then I get home.

 

[jellybean]

oct. 14, 2002
Okay I'm going to do a recap of everything that happened while I was in Phx. So the next couple of posts well just be me catchin up...okie dokie...mr pokie

Brats shouldn't not be aloud on planes. I don't know what is wrong with kids today...but they just scream their little heads off till their parents give them what they want...in public none the less. So the rest of the world has to deal with them too, Bryan and I were never ever like that.

okay I lied...that's just too many days to go through re-cap the Stacy way.

I broke up with Brian. Told Shawn, Shawn wanted me to date him only when I was in phx....bc I'm a wild bird or some crap like that and I can't be caged blah blah blah anyways, and he wanted me to sleep with him. Realized when I had a bad dream and I went for the phone to call Brian and I couldn't how much I really loved him. Plus, the fact that I was welling to call him and tell him. And for those of you who know me...you understand what that means. once I make up my mind its over and done with no matter how much I wanted to take it back. And with him I did. We talked...he took me back.
Shawn's unhappy with me...what else is new. Saw Trisha and Andy, kinda miss hangin out with them. Saw Brian *evil laugh* we won't go there just know hotel room *wink* Trina stayed with me the second night I was in yuma (Brian went home.) We drank but not to much I was a wonderful little angel. Trina let me use her car when I first got into town but I bought her lunch and met some of her co-workers. They all think we're dating now. I have her wrist balls, and she has one of my irish wedding rings. *sigh* I dont know what do with that girl. I just dont know. Christina kinda talked to me...told me crap about Wes. Not really sure what to do with that so I'll just leave it till something happens where I have to deal with it. Told me I maybe invited to her wedding what kind bull is that!!!! I've known the girl for 4 freakin years. Oh wait that's right her girlfriend doesn't like me because I'm an "ex" crap if you ask me. But whatever makes Christina happy I'm not there I don't have to deal with their high school drama...LOL. Plus, Christina kinda looks like the chick that stole one for her gf's I thought that was really freakin funny.
Brian is coming here next friday or this friday whichever. Then the 12 I'm flyin back with him to 29 Palms and then we're gonna do the Marine Corp Ball. I so love my dress! ok well thats all i think of for now...ohh I went to post halloween party 80's theme...I had to wear pink and blue makeup and a side ponytail because Ryan stole me out and danced. ickiness. But it was okay I guess would of been better if I was drinking but I was a good girl.
shower time and then bed is all mine. It is good damn good to be home! I love it love it love it! I may make it back to yuma one day or somewhere else but god not now I need to be here with my kitty and fish and mommy and daddy...oh and mommy and daddy got me a lil balloon at the airport so i looked like a dork...wearing red shiney shoes with rainbow brite shoelaces and a yellow balloon around my wrist. but it was cuteness. loves to all...nighty

 

[jellybean]

Nov. 3, 2002
God does it feel good to be home! Even though my fly was late and we went shopping and to dinner. when I got home I reoganized the kitchen. I do love being home. Brian got me his flight info so dad should try to get me a fly going back with him tomorrow. Mom wants me to help her get her school papers together tomorrow and I have about 70 pictures to mount for dad that need to go out tomorrow. Plus, the other 430 pictures and now 8 rolls of film to pick up tomorrow. Oh yeah, now I know why they had me come home. So I'd stop bitching about Grandma and they needed work to be done around the house. But I get a week to myself then a little over a week with Brian away from family and friends. Just me and him . Though they told him to take his 20 days he has on the books of leave. So I may not be going to Florida for New Years...he maybe going to Iraq (sorry if I miss spelled that I don't feel like lookin it up). So that well be a good 6 months with just letters, maybe a phone call every week or every other week. But I'm welling to wait it out now.
I understand what I have to lose. I thought I could be without him, but I can't. Just knowing that I get to see him, or knowing that he loves me and I love him back just makes me feel better. Though I well miss the little 2 second phone calls to say I love you. I kinda like being the couple that's so cute its sick. We should be together more so we can do it more. But after all this oversea's crap is done with and if he doesn't go to Japan next Sept (that would be for a yr...ickyness). Then we'll sit down and talk about moving in together. Maybe when I'm in 29 we'll go looking at appartments. It would kinda be nice to live with him. Not sure if I'm ready to leave here...I said I'd never call it home, but that's what it is. But I would like to live in the same state as him, if I can get the same town I'd be hella happy. I'm really going to try this time! I'm not just going to run away like I always do. I'm going to change, I'm going to be the better person for me. No more I'm sick of this, or I'm going to go away don't talk to me. I will stick it out as long as he's willing too. *sigh* I'm 19 I should start acting like it! Damnit I need to take care of my own shit I need to grow up maybe go back to school. Get into a theatre company or a day care.
God, after seeing Emmers. She's so damn cute now! I want a little girl!!!! I know if Brian and I were to have a kid it'd be a little boy...his mom has 4 boys and his brother 2 boys. But our kids would be so cute...red hair blue eyes.
Trisha and Andy are married! But like any good thing that they do they almost burnt down the church and Andy stepped on her train when she was walking. I kinda wish I was there, but kinda glad I wasn't I don't know if I would of belonged. I'm sleepy but I can't sleep this so sucks! Maybe I'll go finish my book journal...I wonder why I have 2 journals. *thinking face*
Oh and Sabrina (Trina's sister) wanted to have a talk with me. I don't know what about. I love Trina I do but I don't love her like that. But I don't know how Trina feels about me. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm afraid I already have. I don't know how to really act I want to be me, but I don't want to be too flirty because I don't know how she'll take it. And Sabrina spent most of her hour with her shrink talkin about me. Talk about scary.

 

[jellybean]

nov 4, 2002
It’s kind of funny that I’m listening to Eagle Eye Cherry. I can remember when Christina first gave this cd to me. The air had the same feel to it...change. But I’ve come a long way from there! I lot of pain and hurt. But I’m still standing, breathing, and welling to go on. Though a lot of times the end seems so near or so much easier. Oh by the way thank god I’m home!!!! I did break one of my rules tonight, I had Mexican food and it wasn’t chili pepper. But that’s okay because when I can have chili pepper I normally don’t eat that much I’m not really sure why that is but it is. My flight was a little late, though they said it was on time...lairs. Last night I was at Mike and Ryan’s some random chick named Amanda moved in with them, she’s fucking Mike (icky). But they don’t get along anymore...*shakes head* don’t have sex unless your ready to! That’s my rule...I think hehe.
Emmers is so damn cute, I want a little baby girl *real life sad face* I know I’ll want till I’m ready but damn it. She was just so sweet, even in her scream “dad I want some noodles* But we’ll see what happens I suppose. Brian maybe going to Iraq soon. I knew when I started talking to him this may happen I just didn’t want to think about it. But it’s hard not to now. I can lose him for 6 months with only letters I don't know if I can do that. I need to hear his voice to tell me everything is going to be okie dokie. I remember what Paul said about his and Beth’s relationship. It could be worse it could be like if we were at war and all they had was letters. Well, damnit guess what! Bastard. I don’t know about Paul, sometimes he just bugs me and other times his okay. But I’ve learned that I love the net! It’s my friend because when I’m bored and I don’t want to pay attention I don’t need to...I can just say random things or say I need to go away. But in person it’s hard to make it sound like I really want to hear what the hell their going on and on about.
Dear lord this cd just makes me think of Sophomore year. I wonder how many times I’ve cried listening to this cd. Christina gave it to me for x-mas, because we both loved the song “Save Tonight”. Which was our relationship, we had to take every moment like it would be the last because we never knew when we’d be found out. Or get in trouble or have someone yelling at us. I can’t even believe people said the things they did to me in High School. Everyone knew my life better before I did. I was the pysho bitch dyke who wanted to kill herself. Which for the most part is true, but it being grouped together like that just makes it sound horrible. But I don’t know why people still think of me as that way. I’m not depressed anymore, not like I was. I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t know if I see a point in why we’re here and all the deep shit. But I don’t want to die. I feel as though there is something I need to do, something out there waiting for me. I know I will find that one thing and I well be great that. Damn it if I don’t think I’ll make some up that I can be good at.
I almost want to cry listening to this. I forgot how many memories can be pulled out of music, smell. I hate that when you know a smell or a song and you know you shouldn’t like it because were it comes from in your past but you can’t help it but sing along and just cry. But I guess it’s health (or at least I tell myself that). I look back once and awhile, just to see how you got to where you are. And look back at all the people you loved and remember their smiles and laughs and just smile to yourself because you well always remember them with love. Because though they may not love you or want you in their life. You can keep that little bit of them secretly in your heart. I don’t know maybe I’m just being all girlie girl. I’m doing that now. Wanting a baby wearing a dress and wearing my hair down and all that fun shit. The only think I haven’t done is the lip stick I hate lip stick! Why wear it, it just comes off in like 20 minutes. Okay didn’t need to go there...I think I’m done ranting for the night. I’ll try to get some sleep it’s 244am and I was sleepy 2 seconds after I got out of bed. But I think I want to stay up just to make sure I’m really home. I don’t want to wake up and have it be a dream. I think I’m finally happy with my life. Everyone is okay with Stacy. Though Christina girlfriend doesn’t like me, but she can wait her time not liking someone she doesn’t even care to know. I’m done with that. Trisha and Andy are cool now. Trina and I are closer than I ever thought we’d be. Brian is wonderful. B should be coming for x-mas. I’m home, I have no drama, no worries, no pains. Just peace silence.

 

[jellybean]

Nov 4, 2002
Well dad woke me up this morning to tell me that it was snowing. I went to bed around 5 amish and I knew it was raining when I fall asleep. But snow! Dude, snow vs stacy. Good game snow you win. Didn't really do much of anything today...felt good. Talked to Ryan for most of the afternoon we had a good talk better than most. Emailed Christina asking her to bring my book and shirt with her to Prim (Marine Corp. Ball) but I doubt that she well. So so long Rocky Horror shirt...dude that was a cool shirt. But I'm sure by now her girlfriends worn it...icky. *sigh* I'm tired but I'm not sleepy tired. Went to Target got some swade gloves and a black scarf. Blah I don't like the cold my nose goes all red and I can't feel it. Plus, jeans don't really keep you warm or I just need a better pair of jeans. Mounted some pictures for dad while watching "Life or something like it" it was an okay movie a little slow. I'm sure there was a point to it about living life to the fullest but over all it was did I just spend an hour and half of my life watching this kinda feel.
I have two pages left in my hand written journal. *sigh* where the hell does time go? I'm using the last couple of pages to put pictures in it...like triple A's (andy anthony and andrew) and the std's (stacy trisha dana) from our jr prom, shawn, anthony, emmers, brian, christina. When I finish my roll of film then I'm going to put some pictures of me and Brian in it. So till then I'm going to start on a new book.
I feel like cleaning but I just don't know where I want to put things. So I guess it's more of I want to change the way my room looks but well the desk and my bed are to big and heavy for me to move by myself maybe when Brian's down this weekend I'll have him help me move it around.
He printed out my journal (he gave him the page because I knew one way or another what I wrote here would get back at him and I wanted him to write it before someone said something about it) and he left the pages in his car, Frank read them and said how much I've change. Not wanting to run, I guess everyone knew how I was but me. I took me coming here and Shawn and I fighting about something, and him telling me I run away. Well, at least I don't hide that's good right? I just go away hehe. But me not wanting to do that anymore I just that shocks a lot of people. I don't really know why.
I'm trying to find a cd I can listen to for more than one song, its not going to good. I just can't find anything and fits my mood. And tv sucks! I'm going to miss the Garbage No Doubt concert that's going on here this month. I missed the one in phx. and now here. It just won't meant to be I guess. *real life sad face* but I doubt she'd play any of her old stuff I don't like Garbage's new cd Beautiful Garbage, it's okay and some of the songs grow on you. But I love this first album. That was my theme music for jr high and early high school. When I was pissed I'd just put that on and rock out. I listened to it for like a week straight when we went camping once. I tried to get Bryan (brother) to listen to it and he won't and then like 2 years later...he was all about Garbage. *sigh* boys.

 

[jellybean]

Nov 5, 2002
Cheese is the bestester food in the world. Okay sorry just had to say that. I'm kinda in a grumpy mood, I fell asleep around 8 after running around with dad. And then at 1030 Brian called and mom woke me up. Blah I like talking to him, but now I won't be able to go to bed till 4 or 3 ish and I have to wake up at 630 to go with mom to school. And help out in the front office and maybe watch her class for her last period.
Today was a nice day, woke up watched a "The Sweetest Thing" and labeled and numbered glued about 200 pictures of dad. Thank god it's 2 bucks for every picture. The movie was kinda dirty...the penis song "Your penis is so big, Your penis is too big to fit in here.." It was just kinda thank god I didn't watch this with mom.
I tried emailing Wes last night but his addy isn't working and than I saw him online today...that was kinda freaky. Finally got to talk to Scott (kinda) I guess he was busy he didn't talk to me much. But his getting married in April. Everyone's getting married or is married. And it's a nice thought...one day. I can't really even picture me in a dress walking down an aisle. Maybe one day when I'm ready but not any day soon. Dude I can't wait! 2 more days then Brian is mine, and then I'm going back with him and then it's the Ball. And whatever his going to do for me while we're in Prim. I don't want to guess what his going to do because I don't want to be disappointed. No ones done the romantic thing for me before...is I don't know if I'm going to like it or not.

 

[jellybean]

Nov 7,2002
Okay I was having a pretty good day. I helped out at my mom's school yesterday and she told them she was going to a "family emernacy" she's going with dad to Denver. And they asked me to take over her class. So I was in bed by 8 up by 730 had a pretty good day, because I came home to an empty appt. Got dinner on the way anyways, to the point of way I'm pissed. I fell asleep long day and all, took a nice hot bath read my book. Laid down to relax then I got a call. Went to the living room to get the phone, only it was by my head in bed the whole time that's how out of it I was. Then Brian asked if I wanted to go back to bed, I said depends on what he wants to tell me. And well the dick told me he by not make it to come see me tomorrow because some higher up is pissed at him. And then that the reserves are coming in to deck 2...and I was like okay...I didn't get it. They're going to war! The dick couldn't of waited till tomorrow to tell me when he was here with me. So now I'm here all by myself thinking about it. And well damnit I don't want to think about. Then he had to go because his room mate needed the damn phone! GRRR Okay I'm going to try to relax. fuck!

 

[jellybean]

nov 8, 2002
ok get this mom and dad are out of town. brian was suppose to come in tonight at 1039 and what happens he get to the airport a half an hour early. go to get this boarding pass, and the net company he got his ticket from didnt sent it to the airlines. so now his flight leaves at 645 in the morning tomorrow, he has to spent all night in the airport and im here all by myself..."missing" him. damnit i hate being here by myself. i used to love being alone in my house. but i dont know now it just seems werid. abby (my cat) is more lovely with me...almost too much. i woke up to a lot of fur in my face. i dont know around this time of yr being here it just kinda seems like im on vacation. like ill be going home soon. though i know i wont its hard to explain.
i thought about it i think when i get done with all my running around for the year im going to try and become a sub. it's not hard, i get to be in control always a plus. mom seemed to like that idea. when she first got here, they were callin her everyday so that wouldnt be too bad. id just have to drive everywhere and i dont know abq well enough.
i dont have a lot to say tonight. just talkin to trina then gonna take a bath then call brian back. i need to wake up at 530 to call him and wake his ass up...if he can fall asleep in the airport. i feel bad about that i really do. but i guess he really does love me that much he had a chance to go bad to 29 and just not come here at all...but dope his sleeping in the airport of me...ill have to make up for it but i can deal with that. oh oh plus i get two presents yay me...hehe

 

[jellybean]

nov10, 2002
Well, I went and got Brian from the airpirt yesterday. Took him here so he could shower then we went out for foods. Came back here and let him pass out in my bed. I went in mom and dad's room to try and take a nap myself only they called. Then they came home and woke me up even more. They brought me back a tiger's eye ring (one I wanted instead of my class ring) and Brian got me a Irish wedding ring (its gold but I can deal it needs to be sized) and a black turtleneck sweater (so I won't steal his all the time). We went to see 8 Mile not too bad...I did miss the best part the battle between eminem and some other guy. Damn soda and small blatter. But anyways, went to Hastings damn was it raining bad I could hardly see the road I was in two lines at once most of the time. Come back here set up Disney Monopoly but he didn't really wanna play so started to watch the movie I was sleepy so I went to bed. And this morning dad made Sunday breakfast like always, and we started monopoly again but he gave in to me by the time breakfast was ready...brat. But I was winning and I would of kept it up too. I had all the three's red's and at least one house on them. Plus the power and railroads...hehe I love that game I always win. Well, we're going to try and go see the butterflies I know I'm going to have to go look at the damn sharks...blahness times 10! I need to go brush my teeth and take out the trash.

 

[jellybean]

nov 20, 2002
okay to sum up this wonderful trip to cali. americawest is a shit airline, their damn planes are always breaking down and you have to sit on the plane forever and a day while they fix them. but the ball was nice hans date carly did my make up and christina talked to me she asked her girlfriend to marry her...we wont get into that now. and brian had candles and rose petals on the bed for me when we got back to the room. it was so sweet cute and to be honest we mostly just talked i really loved it. hmm i stayed with lauriann the last night i was there, the next morning she gave me the bedtime care bear the collectable in a good condition. so im hella confused she wants my boyfriend but wants to give me things and well let him use her car to go to phx to see me for thanksgiving. i know i have a shit more to say but right now just isnt the time. but all in all i was able to spend 12 days with brian and not want to hurt him. and i really miss him right now. last night when i went to bed i rolled over to the side of the bed where he should of been and was like "hey" and then like oh yeah...shit. but yeah things are good and i had a good time, and i realize i am in love...yay for me.

 

[jellybean]

nov 24, 2002
Well, nothing is really going on in my life. Just the same old same old crap. *sigh* I go away for a week and things seem to of changed so much. My friends don't seem to be my friends anymore, and I'm not sure how much that scares me. Im the kinda person who always needs someone by my side, a friend to hold my hand. But Im on my own here, I have Brian but he can only do so much...
Carlos isn't coming to Thanksgiving with Brian, Van is...which is cool it's bother me much either way. I am really confused by Lauriann, she's trying to get my boyfriend and yet she gives me a carebear collectable...what the hell does that mean. I get that whole know your enemy better than you know your friends. But damn, she's letting Brian use her car to go to Phx to see me, offers me her house anytime I need it. So I don't know if it's just she got to know me, and likes me now. Or is still playing that I can break you two up if I say things to him about you, bit. She already tried to get me mad at Brian by saying something I told him. And then saying she slept with him (as in sleeping in the same bed not sex) and that did kinda piss me off because I didn't know if it was true of not. And I don't like surprises. But she told me that I need a night life, that I need to get out more. And I'm so happy with my life right now, sometimes I get a little hyper to go out but not a lot. And that I have the kinda personality were people just want to wrap around my fingers ( you know the saying wraped around her little finger). I kinda see that but I dont want it to be that way or go out of my way to make sure I have people in check. But people normally don't like to make me mad, they like to keep my happy. I didn't know if I should of took that as a complaint or diss.
I really don't have anything to say I'm just really bored and have nothing to do. Im sleepy but I dont wanna go to bed. I was doing some enterweb shopping, found some carebear undies and pj pants! But I don't know if I'm going to get pj's for x-mas eve present this yr. I just got pj's with feet! how totally 3 yr oldish is that! Totally awesome hehe. well I'm run away now, and read so something I have two books now. Queen of the Damned and some chick thinks she found out who Jack the Ripper is...that one isn't too bad.

 

[jellybean]

nov 25, 2002
okay I just woke up and I had one freaky ass dream!

Christina and I and two other chicks were visiting Frank in the hospital. And Christina and I were cuddling in the bed (both of us don't like hosptials) and Frank said he had to take a shower so he went to go take one. and then I had to go pee really badly so I got out of bed, and was walking the room...pacing and dancing around and everytime I pasted infront of Christina she'd smile at me, and then when I pasted the other two girls they'd give me dirty looks. Then a nurse came in and said I could go pee in a different room. So I went with her, she took me to a room where there were windows half way down the wall, and then when I tried to lock the door she said they don't. then she came in when I was about to pull up my pants, and asked me to stop. and started talking to me about some med shit. and then asked me to sew (mind you) a double edged neddle which had a little caseing around it so all you saw were the two long shape heads. the half way around the casing there was thread that connected to another neddle. and she wanted me to sew that "down there on her". i was like hell no, and she got closer to me and was trying to tell me it wouldnt hurt id just have to wear it like that for a couple of hours or days. then i made myself wake up.
i was all icked out. that was not a nice dream.

 

[jellybean]

dec 6, 2002
Ok I could swear I posted like today or yesterday or something like that...and damnit it's not here *real life sad face* and I can't remember all that wrote. I know I had a werid dream about me being bitten by a black cobra snake and a cute little one with red and yellow touchy (which means diedly). Then gettin on a bus and being told I'm apart of Road Rules. That well teach me to watch Animal Planet and MTV before I go to bed huh? I think I'm having so many weird dreams because I won't let myself eat past 1 am. And I'm a total night time snacker. But I wanna get in shape not lose weight I'm happy at 130ish. But I wanna be in shape.
I also bitched about the Marine Corp. Brian got called away from Steel Night (their lil war games) to go to mainside (back to base) to get his shit together. Write a living will, get a blood test, get his teeth checked out. So dad said it sounds like his going somewhere. And just when I realize I wanna move in with him the nice big green dildo like to come into play. (that a term used on base by the guys then they get fucked over with shifts or leave they say the green dildo is fuckin them over)
I talked to Christina for about an hour tonight I think she was just to lazy to sit at her desk and type it was easier for her to talk...and that she missed my wonderful voice jk. It was good to talk to her. Playin who can rate more...she won. I don't have much to complain about. I'm happy where I am in my life (for once) I'm not totally happy. But I'm happy with the road I'm on. Her and her gf are enaged which is nice. I think people kinda jump head first into that though. I know I did. But what do I know about her relationship I'm in another state. But she seems happy so I hope it works out. And her girl gets over what shes got because I would like to be a bigger part of Christinas life.
But everyone wants me to move back to Yuma. And I'm so comfortable where I'm at. Yes, I'm practicing for house wife of the yr award. But my parents can't really complain about me not doing crap. I go with mom when she needs help with school or just around town. I retyped a report for dad tonight, I do the dishes make dinner clean up and do the dishes around. Help mom grade papers.
But they want me to get a job come this new year to start paying my own bills hehe yes I am a spoiled rotten brat. I'm 19 and I've paid my own car payments or insurance or rent in my life. But I think I do work it off with what I do do around here. Because if and when I do get a job, no one is gonna wanna make dinner or clean by the time they come home from work. And dad's been getting a lot of fire this month everyday this wk his had one somewhere in New Mexico. Which is good but bad because he has 10 rolls of film to delevop plus 6 there...which is 16 rolls times the 24 in each roll....384 pictures that need to be labeled and mounted or just case numbered. But that's 768 for all of them 2 bucks a picture.
I think I finally got my shopping list all worked out...well all but Trisha and Andy I dont know what to get them. I asked Christina to see if they need anything for the appt. but she didn't know.
My head is really starting to hurt. Hmm maybe a little snack won't hurt me...it's like I even started working out yet. It's sad really I don't wake up till 4 pm Theres a gym not 5 feet from my front door (appt has a gym pool) I could just go in there for like 30 mins a day and just do something back in Yuma Christina Trisha Andy and I would go to the racket ball room and just play for a bit then go take a dip in the pool or sit in the hot tub. *sigh* how sad my life is...but I think it's sadder that I really enjoy.

 

[jellybean]

dec 6, 2002
*sigh* It's odd how I can go day to day and not really remember a lot of my past and then just take an hour out to talk to an old friend and just have it all rush back to me...it's almost overwhelmed.
On a side note what happened to all the good ska bands? Goldfinger, Reel Big Fish, MXPX? I go to download their shit and it's all cover songs from the 80's as much as I like Grease I dont wanna heard Less Than Jakes side of Beauty School...I'm sorry I just find that wrong.
Okay now back to what I was saying. Talking to Christina, I guess she worries about me like most do because I've had some really bad points in my life. And I don't want to be remember for that. She's seen me now, I've put on weight I smile a lot more I laugh. I'm happy so I don't know why they worry so much. Yeah I say I don't see a point to life. But that's only because in the long run I don't. I don't see much of a point to living day to day worring over things that on your death won't mean a flyin fuck. It's not sayin that I'm gonna go kill myself I would never ever let myself get to that point again. I would go a damn doctor if I had to. But I won't go that far anymore. I'm just saying no one can give me a point just reasons to stay alive and those are two differents. Your family and friends or not the point just the reason and helps the worlds turning ease your pain.
And I realized something, as much as I wish I could say it and mean it I would be lieing if I said I thought about Ray everyday of my life. And in some way I feel like a let down because of that. I have pictures of her in my room, but still I guess in some way I don't have the strength to everyday grieve for her. That's too much pain to go through everyday. I do have my tattoo for her, and when someone asks I will tell Ray is someone special who I lost. And if they want to know more I well tell them. But I don't want them to feel bad for me, everyone lose someone close to them in their life. She was just taken a way that is hard to deal with. I think it's nice of Trisha to name Emilie after Ray but in a way I think it just sad...she spelled her name Raye not Ray. Probably because it looks cuter which in my eyes takes away the meaning behind it, it takes away from her memory. But it's not my child.
I wish I had something to do or be able to sleep it's 4 in the morning here. And damnit I'm bored out of my mind. And as wonderful as the inter-web is...there is nothing to do really....unless you game or chat or code. And sadly though my brother is a computer geek. It was not past on to me, and Christina and Trina both left me at the same time.
I'm learning more about the Goo Goo Dolls, yes Trina has made me a little freak like herself. I took her to their concert for her birthday and I came home and started downloading songs and I just haven't stopped till now. I think because I got everything that I could possible get. And she's proud becaue I like Robby and their older stuff which is more punkish then softer. But their a good band. I wish I could find another band like that. I seem to enjoy mid 90's to late 80's more than this new stuff that's coming out.
Ok I give in I'm gonna go make a snack don't know what yet. And watch a movie, hmm maybe a good classic like Hackers...
And to Christina thank you for reminding me that my past is still alive in my present and that you still care, and worry though you shouldn't. So hugs and kisses to you, and if you ever figure our friendship out please let me know. Because it is an odd one at that. And I do wish we could be closer sometimes, just to know what's goin on and if your okay. But I trust your in good hands.

 

[jellybean]

dec. 8, 2002
*sigh* one horrible day after another. I went with mom to the craft fair, I got Tisha Andy Trina and then I saw a cute lil bear in cammies Ok so it's not lil its half the size of me. But it was cute and confortable. So I bought him, only now that I think of it Brian hates things that remind him of the marine corp. and dad and I got into a fight about that and his pictures because he always waits till the day there due or the night before. And I'm sick of it. So I said something and he yelled at me when I tried leaving his room. Saying I'll never have to do them again and this other shit. I went to my room and locked my room, I've never locked my room. Even when I've had one, I just never have (well maybe in Trisha and Andy's house but for different reasons). So they left and come home I guess, mom said they were gonna go shopping. Didn't come home till 11. Told me not to leave my room, so I didn't like I did when they were gone. Anyways, I went out in search of food. It's amazing how cold you can get when you were sandles and no bra in 35 degree weather. Anyways, in the middle of my hunt, I saw a car with a group full of people with their hands outside the windows singing and rockin along to the music. And I just thought to myself I used to be one of those people. After midnight bowling (black light bowling) Wes and Andy used to rock my car front and back while Trisha and I sang to eachother. I'm not sure if I miss those days or I just like looking back on them. I did enjoy dancing around and singing and making a total ass of myself, just because I can. And I never had to do it alone I always had Trisha by myself so I wasnt the only freak.
I feel so horrible right now, all I want is to be held. I just want someone to hold me and love me. I miss having someone with me, someone always at my side so I don't go through things alone. I do enjoy my solitude. But normally ever 2 wks Id have Brian and at least one of the guy from the base here. And well I'm over due, all I want is sometime to always be with me...is that so much to ask for? I know it is. But I'm just to damn touchy feely. I'm all about the hugs and kisses hand holding. Even just my friends, I think thats why everyone thought we were an orgy...oh well.

 

[jellybean]

dec 8, 2002
I heard a really good quote tonight
"How to do tell someone who's inlove with you, your in love with someone else?"
How do you do that? Is there a way to do that? Well at least a way that's not so hurtful. It's funny how long is as soon as you think you got everything together and your happy someone says something...just one little thing that can sent your life upside down. And then their gone and your left there to think..."what the hell...." Everytime I think I have a handle on something, god just seems to so "ha ha nope here deal with this". He must be really bored, or needs a new hobby.
I know what I want, and I know what I could of. And for some reason, what I can't have always seems more attractive, but lose interest so fast. *sigh* so I ask again.
"How do you tell someone whos in love with you, your in love with someone else?"

 

[jellybean]

dec 10, 2002
well about 2 wks tell x-mas and i still hate it. i dont know why i think im getting everything i want this yr and more. lol i always get what i want. from everyone in everyday life. no one likes to make me mad...i dont know why its not like im a big bad person. anyways,
i havent written anything for a while. not since brian took leave in june (we werent together than) most of my good stuff was from me and christina. the pain is what always brings out the most in a writer i guess. if you can call me a writer. ive thought about this...people just like to sample stacy they never want to buy. a little taste now and then and they're good for a while or yrs. i guess im just kinda having a lonely time right now. brians going to be gone for a while when he gets back 20 days leave. and he wont be able to talk to me much in florida. *sigh* i talk to trina but i talk to her sister more on the phone.
just take a step back and look at your life...is this really where you wanted to be right now? i never thought past the next day when i was little. i never had any hopes or dreams of being married by this age and having this many kids when im this old.i just never thought id be here...but i guess thats how it always works
dreams are dreams for a reason thing you can never have but like to think its possible. if anything is ever possible. happiness now thats the only dream i got...its the only think ive wanted since i moved here. just to be happy, or to know happy to know how it felt to be that sweet innocent lil girl running around in the shop of the theatre just having a wonderful time with her friends. how i envy ppl who have that innocence. but im always waiting for things to go bad. its been my experience things can only go good for so long before something comes and hits you in the face. with christina it was meredith. with trisha it was well i dont know i guess just what we did to ourselves. jr yr it was ray. then senior it was ray again. and now...well its been disconnected , i know whats going on i can hear or see or read it but i dont feel it. i want to cry but i cant. numb. i dont want to be numb again. thats my fear. truthful i can handle heights im like a cat i like to get in high places just dont like to get back down. and sharks well my brother helped with that one, but i can kinda go into the room with them in the planaturm. but numbness is one on my biggest fears that and loneness im afraid everyone is going to leave me sometime. without a word just leave me. i guess in some way most of them have. is that what growing up is? you leave everyone behind you?