confessions of a woman
- Thread starter sehra
- Start date
one more try
i'm indecisive, as you may have noticed. i didn't like my chosen title for this thread, so i tried to abandon it. but it doesn't really matter, i've decided, since i also have this need to keep separate aspects of myself separate when i write. i don't know whether it affects anyone. i have another place where i keep a daily journal, so i don't want to make posts in this forum into one, but i still want to say things that i can't say to people who know me. sometimes it's just because i think they're amusing thoughts, sometimes it's because they're burning a hole in my head, and sometimes it's just because i want to see the minutiae of daily life in written form.
i'll have to see how it works out. i may have to quit this thread after a bit, because i'm more dedicated to the other one, and i'm afraid my separate thoughts here will detract from the others.
___
today, i was going through my closet, getting dressed after a shower. i am running dangerously low on underwear, and as my thoughts wandered across the topic of doing laundry, i remembered that i have some underwear that i bought recently. and then i remembered, "oh god, those are crotchless panties."
yes, i own a pair of crotchless underwear. i don't know what compelled me to buy them at the time. i wonder if many women own items like this - certainly none of the women i know do.
i've recently become obsessed with lingerie. it catches up to me now and then; sometimes i don't think of it at all, but sometimes it's the main thought in my head while i walk down the street. i've never cared much for lingerie in the past, except for a special fondness for sheer, form-fitting nightie tank-tops, with matching bottoms, either thongs or those cute, cute, tight girl-boxer shorts. however, i currently have this burning desire to find an especially scintillating garter belt and stockings with lace tops, and whatever other accoutrements i might need to finish up the outfit. <a href = "http://www.agentprovocateur.com">this site</a> was a lovely distraction for an entire afternoon at work, as long as people weren't wandering into my office.
it would also be nice to have someone around to appreciate any such apparel that i might acquire. but this will come, soon, soon.
___
i took a shower for the first time in three days today. i don't know why that happened. i was feeling depressed, and unmotivated; i hadn't seen anybody for days, and a shower seemed like so much trouble. i didn't even realize it had been so long, until i was standing under the water, thinking about how good it all felt. i am not as filthy a person as this makes me sound. most days, i take a certain pride in personal appearance, though i don't take it to extremes, and think i remain modest enough. i find this lapse in personal cleanliness really quite shocking.
i'm indecisive, as you may have noticed. i didn't like my chosen title for this thread, so i tried to abandon it. but it doesn't really matter, i've decided, since i also have this need to keep separate aspects of myself separate when i write. i don't know whether it affects anyone. i have another place where i keep a daily journal, so i don't want to make posts in this forum into one, but i still want to say things that i can't say to people who know me. sometimes it's just because i think they're amusing thoughts, sometimes it's because they're burning a hole in my head, and sometimes it's just because i want to see the minutiae of daily life in written form.
i'll have to see how it works out. i may have to quit this thread after a bit, because i'm more dedicated to the other one, and i'm afraid my separate thoughts here will detract from the others.
___
today, i was going through my closet, getting dressed after a shower. i am running dangerously low on underwear, and as my thoughts wandered across the topic of doing laundry, i remembered that i have some underwear that i bought recently. and then i remembered, "oh god, those are crotchless panties."
yes, i own a pair of crotchless underwear. i don't know what compelled me to buy them at the time. i wonder if many women own items like this - certainly none of the women i know do.
i've recently become obsessed with lingerie. it catches up to me now and then; sometimes i don't think of it at all, but sometimes it's the main thought in my head while i walk down the street. i've never cared much for lingerie in the past, except for a special fondness for sheer, form-fitting nightie tank-tops, with matching bottoms, either thongs or those cute, cute, tight girl-boxer shorts. however, i currently have this burning desire to find an especially scintillating garter belt and stockings with lace tops, and whatever other accoutrements i might need to finish up the outfit. <a href = "http://www.agentprovocateur.com">this site</a> was a lovely distraction for an entire afternoon at work, as long as people weren't wandering into my office.
it would also be nice to have someone around to appreciate any such apparel that i might acquire. but this will come, soon, soon.
___
i took a shower for the first time in three days today. i don't know why that happened. i was feeling depressed, and unmotivated; i hadn't seen anybody for days, and a shower seemed like so much trouble. i didn't even realize it had been so long, until i was standing under the water, thinking about how good it all felt. i am not as filthy a person as this makes me sound. most days, i take a certain pride in personal appearance, though i don't take it to extremes, and think i remain modest enough. i find this lapse in personal cleanliness really quite shocking.
i realized the other day that i am seriously attracted to blonde eyelashes on a man. it's not a requirement, of course; my current flame doesn't have blonde eyelashes (though they are incredibly, gorgeously thick). but i was staring at a man on the subway, thinking about how he reminded me of a certain boy from my past, and trying to figure out why.
it was the blonde eyelashes, in combination with a just-so complexion. my heart caught in my throat when i took notice of his eyes. yes, i like.
___
on a completely different note...
i don't see myself keeping this up. for every inane thought that i see transcribed onto my screen, i feel myself shrinking away. when i'm unhappy, these thoughts seem useless and gaudy, a testament to my shallower moments. but when i feel okay, they seem like a gentle distraction, worthwhile even, in some ridiculous universe. it seems that i have two separate faces, hearts, and minds, sometimes. i'm trying to get all the bits and pieces to work better together.
it was the blonde eyelashes, in combination with a just-so complexion. my heart caught in my throat when i took notice of his eyes. yes, i like.
___
on a completely different note...
i don't see myself keeping this up. for every inane thought that i see transcribed onto my screen, i feel myself shrinking away. when i'm unhappy, these thoughts seem useless and gaudy, a testament to my shallower moments. but when i feel okay, they seem like a gentle distraction, worthwhile even, in some ridiculous universe. it seems that i have two separate faces, hearts, and minds, sometimes. i'm trying to get all the bits and pieces to work better together.
the salon
ok, ok. i gave up on the whole project theme that i've had a fantasy of keeping up. i'll keep one journal project oriented, and i'll just have to write in this one as i would elsewhere.
went to the salon this morning for waxing. for the past several months, i've only done this before trips to see my significant other, as it's too much money and maintenance to keep up for any other reason. it amounted to about once a month. today i went because, well, i am going to see him in a few days, but also because i have a wedding to attend in a week, where i have to wear a sleeveless gown, and underarms were part of the deal.
as i was lying on the table, wincing in anticipation of the bikini wax (for the boy, not for the wedding), i told myself what i say each and every time the woman slathers the wax on and rips the hair out: <i>never again! i am... oh god... never... ow ow ahhh... NEVER doing this again. this is the last time!</i>
but afterwards it always looks so <i>nice</i>. and it stays that way for such a long time. it's really lovely to see.
today was a little different because i went first thing in the morning - still drowsy, with heavy eyelids. i had taken a heavy dose of motrin beforehand, as always, but i was still expecting the wax to jolt me awake. it didn't really, though. same pain as always, and same sleepiness remained. ah well, don't know what this means, really.
so i've only got a couple more days in this city. currently writing while waiting for laundry to finish. last day of work was yesterday, though i haven't really assimilated that fact yet. i felt a little lonely and aimless as i walked to the train station from the office, though. got home and called the boy, who was less-than-thrilled to hear from me, so i got off the phone in the space of about 90 seconds.
as much leeway as i try to give him, i just don't know. i try to let things go, really i do. most of my friends are males, so i have somewhat of an idea of how things in their brains work, but it doesn't make it any easier.
anyway, must get back to organizing and packing.
ok, ok. i gave up on the whole project theme that i've had a fantasy of keeping up. i'll keep one journal project oriented, and i'll just have to write in this one as i would elsewhere.
went to the salon this morning for waxing. for the past several months, i've only done this before trips to see my significant other, as it's too much money and maintenance to keep up for any other reason. it amounted to about once a month. today i went because, well, i am going to see him in a few days, but also because i have a wedding to attend in a week, where i have to wear a sleeveless gown, and underarms were part of the deal.
as i was lying on the table, wincing in anticipation of the bikini wax (for the boy, not for the wedding), i told myself what i say each and every time the woman slathers the wax on and rips the hair out: <i>never again! i am... oh god... never... ow ow ahhh... NEVER doing this again. this is the last time!</i>
but afterwards it always looks so <i>nice</i>. and it stays that way for such a long time. it's really lovely to see.
today was a little different because i went first thing in the morning - still drowsy, with heavy eyelids. i had taken a heavy dose of motrin beforehand, as always, but i was still expecting the wax to jolt me awake. it didn't really, though. same pain as always, and same sleepiness remained. ah well, don't know what this means, really.
so i've only got a couple more days in this city. currently writing while waiting for laundry to finish. last day of work was yesterday, though i haven't really assimilated that fact yet. i felt a little lonely and aimless as i walked to the train station from the office, though. got home and called the boy, who was less-than-thrilled to hear from me, so i got off the phone in the space of about 90 seconds.
as much leeway as i try to give him, i just don't know. i try to let things go, really i do. most of my friends are males, so i have somewhat of an idea of how things in their brains work, but it doesn't make it any easier.
anyway, must get back to organizing and packing.
mystery
somehow, it is 11pm. the movers are coming between 9 and 12 tomorrow morning. i've finished taping up my boxes, but i haven't finished cleaning out my room and arranging/packing everything that's to go in my car.
i was just cleaning out my little bathroom travel bag that i take with me everywhere i go. i haven't really cleaned it out for awhile, because i just keep everything i need in it, without much need for bothering the contents. this time i made sure to take every single thing out and figure out whether i really need it.
in one zippered pocket, i occasionally keep random (cheap) jewelry, and a few small hair clips. i pulled everything out of there this time, and found a small piece of wrapped tissue paper.
almost threw it away, but decided to see what it was. maybe just a wad of kleenex, but maybe a scrap that i had written something on.
i unwrapped it and found a ring inside. i do not recognize this ring. it's a small gold band with three diamond-shaped gems(?) in the center. i don't know whether it is a real ring - i.e., real diamonds, or some other gem - or whether it is merely glass, since i own no diamonds. the band does look like gold, based on other items of gold that i own.
i have no idea where this ring came from. wild scenarios ran through my head. did the boy put it there? did my ex slip it in the bag at some unspecified time? (the background on the ex, and why this is a viable, though improbable, possibility, may come at another time.) did my little sisters find one of their mother's rings and somehow it got in there? did somebody use a bathroom i was visiting and inadvertently drop it in my bag? did somebody give this to me as a gift, and i don't remember?
the only bathrooms i've visited in the past...year or so with this bag are my boyfriend's, my mother's, and a couple friends' houses that i stopped at on the first cross-country trip. i really think that is the full extent. i have no idea how long this ring might have been there. i have no idea why it is wrapped in tissue paper. i actually have no idea whether it really is mine, and i just forgot about it.
i'm not even sure what to do with it. it fits nicely on my ring finger. but i can't just wear it around; what if it belongs to somebody i know? i suppose i'll just start asking people whether they are missing any rings, though this seems rather odd. i wonder if it's rightfully mine? that would also be odd, for me to have forgotten about such a thing. but who knows, with the state that i've been in lately.
what would you do with it? i will gratefully consider any solutions anyone has to offer.
somehow, it is 11pm. the movers are coming between 9 and 12 tomorrow morning. i've finished taping up my boxes, but i haven't finished cleaning out my room and arranging/packing everything that's to go in my car.
i was just cleaning out my little bathroom travel bag that i take with me everywhere i go. i haven't really cleaned it out for awhile, because i just keep everything i need in it, without much need for bothering the contents. this time i made sure to take every single thing out and figure out whether i really need it.
in one zippered pocket, i occasionally keep random (cheap) jewelry, and a few small hair clips. i pulled everything out of there this time, and found a small piece of wrapped tissue paper.
almost threw it away, but decided to see what it was. maybe just a wad of kleenex, but maybe a scrap that i had written something on.
i unwrapped it and found a ring inside. i do not recognize this ring. it's a small gold band with three diamond-shaped gems(?) in the center. i don't know whether it is a real ring - i.e., real diamonds, or some other gem - or whether it is merely glass, since i own no diamonds. the band does look like gold, based on other items of gold that i own.
i have no idea where this ring came from. wild scenarios ran through my head. did the boy put it there? did my ex slip it in the bag at some unspecified time? (the background on the ex, and why this is a viable, though improbable, possibility, may come at another time.) did my little sisters find one of their mother's rings and somehow it got in there? did somebody use a bathroom i was visiting and inadvertently drop it in my bag? did somebody give this to me as a gift, and i don't remember?
the only bathrooms i've visited in the past...year or so with this bag are my boyfriend's, my mother's, and a couple friends' houses that i stopped at on the first cross-country trip. i really think that is the full extent. i have no idea how long this ring might have been there. i have no idea why it is wrapped in tissue paper. i actually have no idea whether it really is mine, and i just forgot about it.
i'm not even sure what to do with it. it fits nicely on my ring finger. but i can't just wear it around; what if it belongs to somebody i know? i suppose i'll just start asking people whether they are missing any rings, though this seems rather odd. i wonder if it's rightfully mine? that would also be odd, for me to have forgotten about such a thing. but who knows, with the state that i've been in lately.
what would you do with it? i will gratefully consider any solutions anyone has to offer.