Confessions of a Confused, Multiple Mind

[Paul Moss]

This is my second attempt at a journal.

Paul: (staring at monkey on the computer screen) I am starting to think a lot of my anger stems from my relationship with my mother. Today it hit me that my anger and temper began around the same time as my mother’s alcoholism.

Paul: There could be a lot of reasons behind your anger.

Paul: (wondering what the monkey was thinking when its picture was taken) My mom is an alcoholic. She refuses to admit it, but she has come home from work everyday and drank at least a six pack since I was in middle school. That was about thirteen years ago. She is a heavy smoker to top it all off. I hate cigarette smoke, blah!

Paul: She probably is under a lot of stress being a special-ed teacher and all.

Paul: (tracing the monkey with the mouse cursor) That was her excuse during one of multiple fights that we had. She claims that work is so stressful. She would tell me how kids would be so out of control that they had to be restrained. One time when she started crying she told me that one of the girls in her class is always masterbating and she has to deal with that. However my mom is a teacher, she is “supposed to set an example” and frown upon drinking and smoking

Paul: Well that does sounds like a very exhausting and stressful job.

Paul: (clicking away on the monkey to no effect) I told her that if the job is so stressful and hard then maybe it’s not the job for her. If it means that you have to drink your stresses away then it’s definitely not worth it.

Paul: You said earlier that your mom was crying, did you make her cry?

Paul: (ripping up post-it into tiny pieces) I have made my mom cry on many occasions. I would get so mad at her for drinking and smoking all the time that I wanted to hit her and throw things at her. I can’t stand it. My father has thrown me out of the house a few times, cause our fights have gotten so bad. He told me that she needs to realize things on her own. I think that’s bull shit. She will realize it when she’s in the hospital bed or her coffin.

Paul: That’s a horrible thing to say.

Paul: Yes and I have even said that to her face. I absolutely HATE her smoking and drinking. I told her that when she is in the hospital with lung cancer or kidney failure don’t expect me to be by your bedside. I love her, but I still stand by that comment.

Paul: I don’t know what to say…

Paul: There is nothing to say. My mother and I don’t have a close relationship anymore. I now talk to her maybe once a week via email if that. Whenever I do go home to visit we tend to fight often or take cheap shots at each other. I don’t go home much anymore.

 

[Paul Moss]

Satisfaction – The fulfillment or gratification of a need, desire or appetite. Or a pleasure derived from such fulfillment. This is something that I unfortunately can’t ever feel or accept in my improv life (satisfaction). Everyday I hear the words “Paul, you are too hard on yourself.” The reason is I don’t like to settle for anything.

I unfortunately tend to set the improve bar extremely high for myself. I am constantly trying to compare myself to those in the Swarm or individuals like Jack McBrayer and Jon Daly (people who I find the best). I want my scenes to be on the same level as theirs. If my scenes/beats aren’t on the same level as theirs then I consider that a failure. I can’t play up to their potential yet and it beats me up inside. I know most of them have been doing it for ten years plus and I only ten months. They say to be the best, you have to beat the best.

May of 2003 is when I started improv career and since day one whether it be in one of my classes or an actual show I am constantly analyzing myself and beating myself up over it. I drive myself crazy and get so upset at myself that sometimes I allow it to ruin the remainder of my day. I remember after one of my class shows I was so upset with myself that I didn’t bother to say goodbye to my class or stay for notes. I just grabbed my coat and ran for the door. I cuss myself out all the time. I have punched walls in rehearsal due to a scene that I was disappointed with or felt could have been better, even though others said it was perfect. Ridiculously enough, during little warm up games such as “categories” I get upset if I am not happy with my word of choice. I have had shows or scenes where people would come up to me afterwards and say “that was awesome”, but I didn't feel completed or happy with it, so it wasn’t awesome to me.

The other night, my up-and-coming group Filibuster had an amazing second ever show. Dozens of people came up to me afterwards saying how wonderful the show was and all that jazz. It was nice to hear people say they enjoyed the show whether they meant it or not, but I was not satisfied. I again compared myself and group with the Swarm. That is where I set the bar. I want to lower that bar, but then I will feel as though I am just settling. I am not being fare to myself nor my teammates. My high standards are sometimes hurting my confidence and ruining my days. I have discussed this with other improvisers and they just tell me it takes time and patience. They say it’s not fare to compare myself to people who have been performing for ten years. I just can't ever be satisfied!

On a funny side note, I guess I make a grimace with a slight headshake to show frustration that one of my teachers has picked up on and now finds funny. So whenever he sees me do it, he laughs. Even though I am upset with myself at the time it kind of makes me smile inside knowing that he is laughing at me.

 

[Paul Moss]

Soda pop is…….. better than milk, it makes me feel good inside…….,
Soda pop is……...better than milk, it makes me feel good inside……..

or

Ribbit, ribbit, I am a frog.
Ribbit, ribbit, I live in the fog.
Ribbit, ribbit, look there is a toad.
Ribbit, ribbit, I bet he has warts.

and finally

I am an ogre, I live under a bridge.
I am an ogre, look at the ridge,
I am an ogre, I like to eat kids,
I am an ogre going to go sleep with the wife.

Now those are some of the "quality" songs and chorus lines that I have sang during rehearsal in my 4P Musical Improv class (Extravaganza). Top that off with the worst singing voice and somebody who has trouble finding the beat and you get me. When I signed up for the class I honestly didn't think it would be this challenging, but honestly I think it's one of the most challenging things I can recall ever doing. I am used to being and feeling in the top of my improv classes, but for the first time I feel like I am at the very bottom. But it's not over yet. It's only half time and I will come back in the second half.

I used to think that I had a good singing voice. When I sang in the car or at home along with the radio I was good, damn good! This class has proved me wrong. I have four more weeks of rehearsal until our shows in May and I will tell you one thing; I am going to bust my ass in class and rock it out. I may not sing like Pavaroti or Justin Timberlake, but I am going to sing as Paul Moss and have fun and put on a kick ass show. Yeah baby!!!

 

[Paul Moss]

Confidence is lost!!!

It's gone... I lost all my confidence. I lost all my motivation and I lost all my love for improv after my level 4P class "Extravangza". I got so frustrated that I even quit my Armando Diaz class three weeks into it without even thinking twice. I wanted to quit acting/improv altogether and didn't even care if I ever got back into it. I even wanted to leave my performance group "Filibuster", but ended up taking time off instead. I can't really describe what happened, but as each week past I felt like I kept getting worse and worse. I could not remember anything and I could not think. I felt like a stranger to improv. I haven't been nervous for shows since I graduated level 2, but when my 4P shows began I would feel sick to my stomach the day prior and the day of. I couldn't sleep at night. I would worry about how bad my singing and scenes would be. I didn't admit it at the time, but I have never been so scared in my life as I was in my 4P shows. I never felt like I was on the top of my game anymore and it made me feel bad, cause some of my idols were in the crowd and I wanted to impress them, but I didn't the opposite.

Yesterday was the first time in six weeks that I made a return to improv during rehearsal my with Filibuster. I had a great rehearsal and felt like I was back on top of my game. Most importantly I had confidence. We shall see what happens...

 

[Paul Moss]

I was a Republican before the Iraqi war. Both sides of my family are ridiculously Republican and donate thousands of dollars each year to the Republican party. My family use to make me watch every presidential speech as a child. My grandmother would save newspaper clippings for me. I would hear lectures every sunday at dinner about how I need to pay more attention to the future of my country. I didn't enjoy nor care about politics at all, but I did so to satisfy my family. I never imagined myself getting interested in the whole political scene. Since 9/11 and the Iraqi war I slowly changed political parties and have been debating with my family ever since.

I recently have been having friendly political debates via email with my mother and grandmother. Last night after I saw "Fahrenheit 9/11" I was pissed. I wasn't so much angry during the film, but once I got home and began to digest what I saw the anger kept on rising. I had emails that evening from my mother and grandmother about how great Bush is and how I am young and really don't know any better. I was furious! I had to turn off the computer and go watch tv to calm down, but I couldn't. I got back on the computer and wrote a book to my family saying how horrible Bush was and naming all the things that he has done in the movie on top of other arguments that I have been gathering for myself. I cussed in the email toward my family and told them they had their heads stuck up in the clouds and that they need to wake up and smell reality. I then continued to write more emails, until I had finally written eight emails total stating my feelings toward our current admininstration.

Today at work two of my bosses were joking around with me about Bush, cause they heard that I saw the movie last night. That just lit my torch and I debated with them for half an hour. Both of them being in their early-to-mid 40's were very supportive of Bush and just argued more and more. My passion for politics and economics has grown beyond what I could ever imagine. I now find myself checking out political websites and news sources both liberal and conservative all day long. I go to Barnes and Noble looking for neutral books on the war and terrorism today. I don't know why, but I have become addicted. All I want to do now is debate, even though it just makes me more and more upset. I can't wait until this election is over with, then hopefully the tension will decrease.

 

[Paul Moss]

July 4th Weekend

Saturday night my best friend Fred and I were in the back seat of a car riding back from the bars in Baltimore when for some reason Fred started horsing around by punching me multiple times. I then began bitch slapping him as hard as I could across the chest and face. We then continued exchanging blows back and forth putting welts and bruises on each others bodies. Our friend Amanda in the front seat turned around and smacked me hard across the face trying to join in on the fun. We both told her that we refuse to hit her back, because we can’t hit a woman, but she would have none of it. She reclined her front seat and removed the headrest on her chair and began wailing on both of us. We then began smacking her around on the legs, chests and face. She eventually jumped from the front seat into the back seat and we all beat each other up. It was our own personal fight club in the back seat of a car. We stopped at a diner at four in the morning for some food and as soon as we got back into the car again the fighting continued. I don’t think I ever had so much fun in a car. The next morning we were all sore with bruises and marks on our bodies.

On Saturday morning, Fred, his girlfriend Chrissie, her sister Jessie and I all drove down to Baltimore for the holiday weekend. Fred and I have some friends who invited us to a BBQ party that afternoon. We arrived around noon and soon began partying after that. We drank, played football, drove a John Deere tractor around the yard, played baci-ball, played volley ball in a pool, then drank some more.

Later that night this cute nine-year-old girl named Hannah (who has a crush on Fred) asked Fred and I to do some improv for her. I didn’t feel comfortable nor confident performing so I made a huge mistake and went into the house leaving Fred all alone to perform for this young girl. I had let my best friend down. I had let Hannah down. I even let myself down. Why was I afraid to perform for a nine-year-old girl? Why did I think she would be judging me? I don’t know. Anyway, friends who have never done improv before decided to join in and help Fred and put on a fantastic show for Hannah. Where was I? What is wrong with me? I am sorry Fred.

The following morning we headed over to Fred’s girlfriends parents house near Chesapeak Bay. They have a large beautiful house located out in the middle of the country surrounded by cornfields. We all enjoyed some clams, followed by Maryland Blue Crab, followed by hot dogs, hamburgers and grilled chicken. I have never seen so much food in my life. I was shocked to find out that the crabs weren’t the main course. We were supposed to go sailing and swimming that afternoon, but unfortunately the weather wasn’t cooperating so we had to cancel that and stay inside which was just as fun. That night the weather cleared up and we went to see the fireworks.

On Monday we headed off to Camden Yards to watch the Orioles play the Devil Rays. I have always wanted to see a game at this park and now I agree that it’s the most beautiful ballpark in baseball. I have been to many stadiums, but nothing compares to Camden Yards. We scalped great seats that were fifteen rows behind home plate and enjoyed our national pastime. After the game we went back to the house picked up our bags and said our goodbyes. It was very hard saying goodbye to this Jack Russell named Scooter who I have become very attached to. One the trip home we all enjoyed discussing ghosts, aliens, esp, the afterlife, etc… The conversation really made the trip home a quick one. This weekend getaway was the most enjoyable time that I have had since I moved to NYC. Thank you to my friends who included me in and shared this wonderful experience with me.

 

[Paul Moss]

Hannah

I got an email last night from my mother telling me that Hannah, my dog, is not doing to well and they are going to take her to the vet on Saturday morning. We all knew Hannah has seisures from time to time, but now she just lies on the bed. When you try to pick her up, she just falls back over. She won't eat or drink. She lies in her own bathroom.

This morning I got a voicemail from my father, crying. Hannah has an enlarged heart and cancer. There is nothing they can do. They are on their way to put her down....

I love you Hannah!!!!
1992 - 2004

 

[Paul Moss]

My last entry ended with my mother taking our dog Hannah to the vet to be put down, but when she got there she didn't have the heart to do it and wanted to try some last possible medication. Unfortunately the drugs aren't helping much and Hannah just lies on a pillow each and everyday. My mother decided she would rather have Hannah spend her last few days in the comfort of their house since she isn't in any pain. Everyday I fear the call from my parents bearing the bad news.

Speaking of Hannah this past weekend I flew back to Cleveland for my sisters high school graduation party where I got to see her for one last time. She looked so frail and weak, but she raised her head and smiled when I walked in the door. I wanted to take pictures of her since I only have one of her, but didn't because I don't want to remember her like this. When I left I kissed her on the head, told her that I loved her and walked out the door without looking back. I couldn't say goodbye any longer.

My very first entry in this journal was about my mother and my relationship. I said some pretty harsh things such as I wouldn't be by her bedside when she develops cancer from smoking or any alcohol related illness. I would like to take back those words. I love my mother and even though I disagree with what she does she is still my mother and I will be by her side. While in Cleveland my mother and I really bonded and connected. We both discussed many personal issues that we have and patched the holes in our relationship. For the first time in decade I finally felt comfortable and at ease around my mother again.

Yesterday I went to the dentist for the first time in ten years. I remember this, because the last time I went was during my sophomore year of high school in 1994 and my mother still had to drive me. I found out I have two tiny cavaties and two wisdom teeth which are growing in sideways. I have to make another appointment to get them filled and pulled. Hooray for benefits!!!

Today I went to the doctor for a physical. I had some blood tests run and an EKG and other than my extremely high cholesterol I am in fantastic health. I will get my cholesterol results by the end of the week. Last year when I had it check it was a whooping 365 (which is better than 424 when I was younger). Let's keep our fingers crossed and hope the Lipitor has helped.

 

[Paul Moss]

My biological father passed away of a heart attack at the age of 43. My grandmother on my mother’s side has been battling high cholesterol her whole life. So I was very anxious to get my latest cholesterol results back last Tuesday afternoon. I was told I had a total cholesterol of 404 (higher than a year ago), an LSD level of 353 and an HSD level of 44. Basically I will be on death’s doorstep unless I make a drastic change for the better.

I have known all my life about my problem, but I never took it as serious as others have. I had the “that will never happen to me” attitude. When I tell people about my numbers, they get all excited and start giving me all this uncalled and unwanted sympathy. Then everybody has to advise me on all these healthy foods that I need to eat, when to eat and how to prepare.

It has only been a week now, but I have gone on an extremely strict diet. I now have the pleasure to eat fake food for the rest of my life. Fat free and cholesterol free; cheese, milk, butter, and mayo. Yum!!! Tastes just like plastic. No more oils or fried foods. Goodbye pizza, wings, grilled cheeses, calzones, fast food, ice cream, etc… At least I can still eat my Honey Nut Cheerios. I think the hardest part is not giving into temptation. So far I have beaten that battle, but it has only been a week.

I am going in for more blood work this Friday which I am not really looking forward to. I have a fear of needles and tend to get light headed, nauseous and often ask to hold the nurses hand. I remember when I was 19 in college and getting my ear pierced that I was so scared I had to hold the woman’s hand. My friends laughed at me, but that is the only way I could go through with it.

Hopefully with a vastly improved diet, regular exercise and my lipitor things will improve. I plan to get physicals every three months or so just to keep an eye on things. On that note, enjoy your pizza and fast food while I eat my plastic flavorless food.

 

[Paul Moss]

I just finished yet another game of scattergories with my roommate Fred. I was wide awake from the intense competition, yet needed to be up in six hours for work. I popped an ambien into my mouth before heading off into the bathroom to do my nightly rituals. Five minutes later I disrobed, locked my bedroom door, turned on the air conditioner and my sports talk radio then lied down on the bed. I closed my eyes briefly when I suddenly felt the presence of somebody or something standing over me. I quickly opened my eyes to see a hooded, dwarf woman standing next to bed. Scared to death of this three foot woman I ran towards the door to escape the room. Realizing that I didn’t have any clothes on I quickly grabbed my shorts pulling them on as quickly as possible. While putting on my shorts two more dwarfed women appeared blocking my exit into the living room. Realizing that I had to escape I closed my eyes before reaching for the door to unlock it and then swung the door open. To my surprise the women disappeared as Fred sat on the couch watching Sportscenter unaware of my encounter. I stood in the archway shocked and scared out of my mind door staring at Fred for what felt like minutes. Fred stared back asking what was wrong with me telling me I look as though I just say a ghost. I took a seat on the couch telling him about the dwarf women. As I was explaining my story I noticed a black bird, possibly a crow stood at the base of our television stand. Finding this rather peculiar, but not trying to scare it away I quietly informed Fred of the bird’s presence. Suddenly a giant rat joined the bird, just standing there as if it weren’t being watched. I watched in amazement as the bird and rat stood there obliviously. Again I quietly announced to Fred what was going on, but he refused to believe me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw somebody slyly enter Fred’s bedroom. I was afraid that somebody else was in the house and told Fred to go check it out. I being 6’3” and 200lbs sent 5’5” Fred to go see if we had an intruder. Fred went into his room to investigate coming out five seconds later saying that nobody else was in the room. I built up enough courage to enter his room as well to satisfy my own curiosity. Upon entering his room I did not see anybody else in the room; however I did see the walls waving back and forth like the waves of an ocean. Slowly, but surely evil red faces would appear on his walls making me quickly exit from the room. I went back into the living having no idea what is happening. I sat on the couch watching the bird and rat again when these 3-D tape worms with dragon heads started fluttering in front of my face. I tried reaching out and touching them, but they were transparent. Fred came out and kept trying to convince me that nothing was there, but I still didn’t believe him. I had seen all these spectacles with my own eyes; therefore they must be real and must actually exist. I noticed the blinds in the living room started to move and a shape of a face appeared within the blinds staring right at me paralyzing me with fear. I do not remember what happened after that. I don’t recall how I got back in bed. I just remember seeing all the imagines that night. The following morning I could not tell whether or not what had happened was a dream or reality. I called Fred during my lunch break to confirm my suspicion. He confirmed that I indeed was tripping, tripping on sleeping pills. I did not drink that night before I took the pills. I have taken them twice before that night and had no problems. It was a couple weeks until I built up enough confidence to take them again. I have yet to have the same experience again.

About a year before hand I did have another encounter with in medicine, this time it was Nyquil. I had this nasty, son-of-a-bitch cold this first month that I moved into New York City. For the life of me I could not stop coughing every five seconds. The coughing would be so bad that my chest began to hurt. I was unable to sleep for days and just lay in my bed watching television and listening to the radio while I endured this never ending saga. I was trying pill after pill, orange juice and just about everything else people do to get rid of a cold. I was tired, achy and wanted to get out of my room. I bought some Nyquil about the fourth day into the cold hoping that it would help me sleep. It didn’t seem to do much, but I thought I would give it another shot. The next day I went to the store and bought two bottles of the formula. I drank the prescribed dosage and waited the allotted four hours, but nothing happened. Dazed, impatient and frustrated I decided to drink the whole bottle of Nyquil. Then after another half hour I still did not feel a difference to I drank a second bottle of Nyquil. About a half hour to an hour later I found myself sitting on the computer trying to distract myself from the cold. I felt a warm sensation between my legs when I looked down to see that I had lost complete control of my bowel movements and had explosive diarrhea all over my roommate’s chair. I stood up scared about what had just happened and noticed that I was pissing myself at that moment. I tried to hold it in, but I had no control. My ass and bladder had a mind of their own. There wasn’t anything I could do. Fearing that my roommate would be home any minute I quickly took off my clothes and through them in the sink to let them soak. I then put on a fresh pair of shorts and ran to grab his diarrhea covered chair. Worried about how I was going to clean the chair I quickly through it into the shower and proceeded to give it a shower. I rinsed it off and then grabbed some detergent and proceeded to scrub away on the soiled cushion. When the appearance of the stain had disappeared I sprayed a bottle of potpourri onto the chair and put the chair outside onto the fire escape to air dry along with my soiled clothes. Four hours passed before my roommate finally returned unaware of what happened. My stupid cold would last for two more days.

 

[Paul Moss]

FINALLY... Paul Moss has come back with confidence. Three girls in three days. I have had a date with three different girls on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Talk about a confidence builder. I am also in the running for a new position at my firm where I could be making $12.5K more w/ benefits and stock options. The best part is this salary is even higher than I expected. The bad part is that it's between me and two other people. Then again I am the only one of the three of us already within the firm so maybe that will help my chances. I am trying not to get too excited and then walk away disappointed, but I am very excited. Keep your fingers crossed.

With my new found attitude, confidence and self-esteem I have found myself getting out of the apartment a lot more often. I am also really pumped about doing improv again (thanks Shannon). I have rehearsal tonight and don't feel as though I will just be going through the motions to make my fellow teammates happy. I am going to rock this bitch out and have a blast. Life is all about confidence, keep your head high and tell yourself there is no such word as "can't". Sounds kind of corny, but I am finally seeing that when one actually believes in themselves anything can happen.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

[Paul Moss]

I was just offered a position within my firm to jump to a different department and make $12,000 more and stock options. I quickly accepted.

I have gone on seven dates in the past twenty days.

Can life get any better?

 

[Paul Moss]

They say in every man's (or woman's) life when one door closes another door opens up leading them to opportunity. I ask myself if things happen for a reason? I do realize that our life is based on decisions that we have made in the past with each new decision creating a new fork in the road of life. After meeting with my talented improv team last night we all decided that it would be best if they moved in one direction and I move in another to explore other opportunities. I wish them the best of luck and know they will be successful.

As for me, I am now a free agent and ready to grow... :up:

 

[Paul Moss]

Can't buy me love...

I live in the greatest city...
I have good health...
I have a great salary w/ benefits...
I have quality friends who motivate me...
I have all the material possessions that I want and need...
I have a grandfather who is so proud of me that he cries...
I am going back to college for shits and giggles...
I am a great athlete...

but there is one piece of the my life that is missing...
I want to be loved again...
I am tired of being single...
I haven't been single for five consecutive months in about five years...
I miss that special connection...
I hate coming home and being alone...
I hate being the third wheel with my friends...
I would trade away all of the above to feel and be loved once more...

 

[Paul Moss]

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months or so and
decided that I am going to retire from Improv and the comedy world so I
can clearly focus on my career and studies. I am going back to college
to focus on investment banking and do real estate investing on the side.
I have enjoyed my experiences and challenges that I have taken on.
However, unfortunately, I have lost my love for the game and haven't
been able to get it back for the past year. I would like to take this
opportunity to thank everybody who has supported me and encouraged me. I
have made many good friends and memories over the past year. I would
like to wish everybody the best of success and to continue following
your dreams.

Paul H. Moss

 

[Paul Moss]

It's the damnest thing... ever since my unfortunate retirement from Improv I have been extremely angry, hurt and disappointed by how my improv career ended. I have not gone to one improv show since, I have not spoken with any improv people and even tried to stay away from this message board, but was unsuccesful. I know I could have continued doing improv and joined a new team and took more classes, but I have too much pride to let that happen. Much like Barry Sanders and Ricky Williams walked away from football (which they loved), because they "didn't want to give in" I walked away from Improv. Or for you wresting fanatics we can say I was Bret Hart during his last day in the WWF. However what is done is done and I can only move on and learn from the past. I know life is all about making choices and you are responsible for every direction your life takes you on. However the more I look back the more I am convinced that it has been for the best.

My life has changed in many ways for the better. With my new free time I have been going back to the gym on a consistent basis and I have put on 12 pounds of muscle. I have joined a book club and have been reading about 2 novels per month. In January I plan to invest in some mutual funds. I will also be moving into a wonderful co-op apartment w/ elevator and all in the Upper East Side. On top it all I am back in school and about a year away from getting a degree in finance. I am truly starting the believe the saying "when one door closes, another door opens".

 

[Paul Moss]

I miss it, I really fucking miss improv. I miss my performance team. I have tried to not like it, tried to turn away from it, but I just can't. My pride stands in my way from returning. I am not ashamed of how I left. I have nothing to hide. Basically during most of 2004 I was going through some tough times in my life. I was battling with some inner demons of the present and the past. I was depressed, I was an emotional rollercoaster. During this tough time I was also doing a musical improv show which combined with everything else made me lose all my confidence. My frustrations and sadness caught up with me and I started getting moody within my group. I would not entirely commit myself to the group and just go through the motions. I began not to trust my teammates and this is what lead to them kicking me out of the group.

I have never been kicked out of anything in my life. I was hurt, angry and very sad. I acted like it wasn't a big deal when I spoke with these former teammates in the future, however it was. I was crushed. I missed improv. I then decided that I was going to hate improv. I decided not to go to any more shows, I wasn't going to associate myself with that crowd anymore. I was simply and purely trying to erase that chapter out of my life, but I can't.

I was at the UCB New Years Party briefly, but I didn't talk to anybody. I did see some people I remembered and respected, but felt ashamed of who I have become and didn't speak to anybody. I want to get back into improv, but I just can't. I would feel like I would give in if I go back. I want to be asked back. As crazy as it sounds, my pride gets in the way. I am healthy again, my depression is gone, I can feel the love for improv is still within me and has never left. I miss improv.

 

[Paul Moss]

oops, double post.