Complete F**king idiots......


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Been too long

I've been sick the last few days. Even went to the doctor.Well, the after hours clinic. I never go to the doctor. Only twice in the last 7 years, one of those for pink eye, the other for sinus infection, which is what I have now. I even left work today after only two hours. My ears are pounding. When I went to the doc, I got a shot in the hip, an anitbiotic, sinus meds, and a script for Lortab should I need it. I needed it today, but, I never got it filled and couldn't find it today to get it filled. Luckily Mel had some stuff around the house. Feeling better after taking it.

Mel is on the mend after a little out-patient surgery to remove some pre-cancerous growths on her cervix. Very,VERY pre-cancerous(as in, if left untreated, in 5-6 years it could become cancer). All went well. I brought her to and from the hospital. She had only some mild discomfort for a couple of days, and has been right as rain since.

On a related note, I had a consultation with a doctor about getting a vasectomy.Of course Mel and I talked about this at length, and decided it would probably be a smart move. I thought about it a lot in the days before going, and am sure I don't want anymore children. Mel doesn't want anymore either, so, we scheduled the appointment after meeting with the doc.
Appointment date: April 1st. There sure as hell better not be any April Fools joking going on.

It's been so easy to settle in over here. It just feels right. I know in my heart how I feel about Mel, and I have intentionally been waiting and thinking and watching and understanding. I don't throw the "L" word around. There are very few people I tell "I love you" to. My son and my grandmother, and that's it.

But I do love Mel. And I am going to tell her that when the time is right. I don't want it to seem forced or cliche'. I want it to be when she knows I am being totally honest, and not swept up in a moment. All in good time.

Now, onto other things.

Hoyden, if you've read the above, you see i haven't been spending ANY time "on" Mel (lol). If it's not too late, I like This One . Although, I have always been a fan of This too

Hmm, I left the computer for a few minutes to talk to my cousin on the phone, and have seemed to lose where I was going with this update. I hate that, as it's actually kind of hard to update here. I won't do it at work anymore, as there has been new security and monitoring software added to our network. It "could" be used to track me back to this website, so I won't even take that risk. Also, I have my pc just a few feet away from Mel's, so there is always someone in here, either on my pc or Mel's at any given time, and I would rather update in privacy. I'll figure out some schedule. I miss updating here, and so much has happened in the last few weeks, I feel like I left something out.

If, I remember anything else, I make another post.

For now, I'm out.


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So much has happened since i last updated. not sure where to start.

This past week has been very long,stressful and exciting at different parts. I'll start witht the bad, get it out of the way.

My sister called me last Saturday to let me know both my dogs had gotten out of the yard and were roaming around. They are good dogs, wouldn't hurt a soul, so I wasn't too worried. They had gotten out before and always came back. Until now. One of them, the younger one (Tyler) came back, but the older one, a full blooded Chow name Chief didn't. He is 12 years old, blind and deaf, but still able to move around very well and just follows Tyler everywhere. Well turns out the Dept. for Animal Control had picked him up. No big deal, only $100 to go get him.
When I got there I found out he had actually been hit by a car and had a broken leg. A vet student from LSU had come by and looked at him. His opinion was that Chief probably would not survive the surgery to mend his leg and if he did, was so old he probably would'nt live more than another 6 months based on his health. Yeah, I had to make a decision I never wanted to make. To make matters worse, I had no place to bury him, so I had them to take care of him. That part is just as bad as acutally having him put to sleep. I hated leaving him there.

anyway, on to better things. amidst all this, we have been trying to buy a house. we have a couple of prospects, but we have to wait until Mel's house sells first. Shouldn't be a problem, two houses have sold in her neighborhood in the past month or so.The hard part was repairing the house where her dog had ripped off the siding and plywood behind it on her house. I mean, it was ripped of all the way to where you could see the studs and sheetrock for the interior of the house. Now, i know cable, i know a little about phone, and i can call my dad or uncle for any elctrical problems.we can call scooter for plumbing, and Mel's dad for landscaping, but we had no one who had any carpentry experience for something like this. Now, it wasn't THAT big a project, but still, if you've never done it, you really don't know where to start. But, after thinking it through, we got it all done in about 6 days. Looks REALLY good too. Mel got a little help from her dad on the last day, but you needed one person to hold the siding (plywood siding) and one to nail it up. I can't beleive how good it came out and how qucik we got it done. Oh, I might add it really only took about 3 days as most of this week one or the other of us two has had something to do after work (Mel on call going to shoot and X-ray or me playing softball).

had to bring Mel's cat to the vet. Was throwing up and not eating. Long story short, he had an obsrtruction, had sugery to remove it, is healing up fine. The funny part is that while they were at it, we had him neutered.
I'm quite sure the cat is going to be like "well that wasn't too bad. stomach feels better, and i'm hungry. oh well, i guess i can always just lick my..........WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?.......WHERE THE HEL ARE MY BALLS?....since when does going to the vet for a stomach ache equal getting my boys cut off?"
I'm sure he going to be pissed at us for a couple of days after getting back,hehe.

What else. Oh yeah, went to see Crossfade at a small bar near LSU. Had Anisette and Strata opening for them. Strata has some good stuff (if you like alternative rock), and Anisette was damn good for a local band. We went to see all those guys on Friday night, and then saw a band one of my co-workers is in last night. I was a little disappointed with that set. I had heard them sound better and there song selection wasn't as good as it had been before. But still fun, playing darts and having a few drinks.

So all in all, a busy, fun, and emotional week for me.

R.I.P. Chief William Blackhawk I. (his registered name)


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i need to post more

well. i'm sitting here with an icepack on my nads. that's right, i had the vasectomy done on Friday. it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it would be, but there were a few uncomfortable moments also. today has actually been the worst day, but still nothing too horrible. i'm not going into too many details, i'm just glad it's over.
well, sort of. gotta go back in 5-6 weeks to give a "sample" to see if i'm shooting blanks yet, lol. i told Mel she is going to have to help me out a little but she is of the opinion that i should be able to take care of all that all by myself.(sorry, it's all pretty funny to me now). the worst part of the whole ordeal was the waiting. we were supposed to be there an hour before the appointment so i could take the valium they prescribed me. well, we ended up waiting an hour and a half PAST my appointment time before the nurse came up and said it was time to take it. well, by that time i was getting pretty pissed. i mean, i wanted to just get in, get out, go home and recover and have it over with. Mel was getting a little tired of my bitching about the wait, but i had to remind her "hey, i'm about to have MY BALLS cut on...the anticipation of this is killing me." she agreed (sort of) and kind of explained to me that most of the other patients there(a room full) only had doctor's appointments, and since i actually had a procedure being done, would probably be done last, right before lunch. OF COURSE i countered with "then why in the hell make my apppointment @ 11:30, have me here for 10:30, and then make me wait until 1:30 if you already knew he went to lunch around 2:30?

the actually cutting and snipping only took about 15 minutes, and as i said wasn't too painful. of course the valium did NOTHING for me, but mixed with the painkillers afterwards made for a nice buzz for a little while.

oh, and another bad part about all the waiting...we were STARVING by the time we got out, so we went to eat right after. needless to say, after all the waiting, the drugs, and a full belly, i slept like a baby for the next few hours. and the dreams i am having are wild (like the one i had where i was able to climb and jump from trees like a squirrel. lol).

so all in all, not as horrible an experience as i thought it could have been (minus the waiting). i just want the soreness to go away. think i'll go lounge in from of the TV for a few.

now where's that cat. he's the only one i know who can sympathize with me.


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just killin time

sitting here at the 'puter. not much going on. Deet's is playing on the PS2 in Mel's son's room.

We hit a little snag trying to buy a house. We found a very nice one we fell in love with immediately. 4 bedrooms, 3 full bathrooms, wood floors in the living room, dark ceramic tile in the kitchen and dining rooms, with granite top for the island/bar area. It has a decent sized backyard(big enough for the kids to run around in) and we have access to the lake in the middle of the neighbor hood. The snag isn't that we can't afford it. We had a buyer for this house, but the poor guy lost his job 2 days after he signed a purchase agreement on this house (we also signed an agreement on the house we want).So, that guy had to back out. All is not lost though.We have a friend of ours we grew up with that works for a realtor, and we have decided to go ahead an list with her company so we can get someone to buy this one quicker.It's only been listed a week and 4 people have come by to take a look. It'll sell, no problem, and we'll still make a good amount on it for profit.
good thing too, because we have been looking at new furniture to put in the new house. Sofa w/matching chair, another chair, bar stools (4) , an HDTV, surround sound, a new bed for Mel's daughter, plus sheets and comforter/quilt for her bed and her old one which will become Deet's. It will be awesome once we get in and fill it up with all that stuff.
Hmmm, thinking a little too far ahead. That's at least a month and a half to two months from now.

What else is going on....hmm, work is the same. Some days rewarding, some days just plain aggrevating. It is getting more balanced though. Now we have a good number of complete f'ing idiots at work that try to delegate what can and can't be done, at the expense of the customer of course. Bah, not even going to get into it.

We went out for Cinco de Mayo last night with a bunch of Mel's friends and their respective husbands. Good food, good drinks, and some hilarious conversation. Particularly on the part of "L", Mel's lesbian coworker (that is not a play on words...her first name starts with L). She is funny as hell with her stories about this and that, stopping mid sentence to answer her phone "Oh, I got a bite!" She's pretty cool to hang out with too. I knew most of the peeps that showed up, the usual crowd if there are ever plans to go out. It was a great time.

Hmm, i didn't shower last night,(planned to this morning, but, woke up late) and i think i can smell a faint whiff of cigarette on me. I hate that. I mean, I smoke, but i can't stand smelling like it. I'm off to shower last night off.


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real quick

ok, haven't posted in a while. here's the quick and dirty version. i will be back later to put in the full details.

we bought the house. the closing almost didn't happen.

we moved. that was not fun AT ALL.

bought big TV and Surround sound for it (sounds great - now)

kids love the house, just got finished with Deet's room.

planted some trees and did the front flower bed. (Minou - how in the hell do you do this everyday?)

got screwed into working when Thanksgiving comes around.

I'm sure there's lots more, and each one of those topics has a whole story behind it. So, i will come back and make another post with the details to each. I gotta head off to work. Buh-bye.


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continued from last post

OK, i finally have time to update those items in my last post.

The house is wonderful. Split floorplan and open for the kitchen and living room. I LOVE it. The backyard is plenty big enough for the kids to play in, if they wanted to. They would rather play on the computer or the PS2. Can't say I blame them, it's too friggen hot.
Anyway, the day off the move, the gameplan was for Mel to do the closing while I got started moving everything out of the moving van (the biggest one they had might I add). I got started aroung 9 AM and just kept chugging along, all the while telling myself "this all be over by next week". I did keep me motivated because i was able tounload everything out of that van in about 2 hours by myself(we were moving on a Wednesday, it wasn't like i was going to get any family or friends to take off work to help me move.) So, i go back to the old house and promptly pass out on the couch for about 30 minutes. somewhere around noon, I decide to call Mel to see how it was going. She tells me "not good" but to keep moving the stuff. She told me our real-estate agent (another person who we grew up with in the neighborhood) would handle it. So I contiinue to pack, get some lunch, drive over to the new house, and start to unpack. Now it should be noted - Mel obvioulsy believes the heavier the furniture, the better it is. And also should be noted - i hope the inventor of the mechanical dolley lives a long, full life and retires early as a millionaire. That thing saved me (or did it create ?) more work than can be imagined.
Anyway, back on subject - the closing. Basically it went like this: the girl selling the house made a big mistake on how much money she was going to walk away with at the closing. When she heard the amount she was getting, she flipped out and said she couldn't do it...Nice.
Our friend the real estate agent basically went outside where the chick went to grab a cigarette and told her this "This can go one of three ways 1. you can go ahead and sell the house and walk away with the amount you just heard; 2. You don't sell the house, and let it get foreclosed on (something we learned about that day,that caused the closing to take much longer, as they were waiting on that paperwork to clear too) and walk away with nothing; or 3. You can walk away with nothing, let it go into foreclosure, and then have my company and these nice people sue the hell out of you."
Needless to say, ten minutes later the papers were signed ( at @ 4:45PM).

This moves me onto moving. All this time, I've been unpacking at one house and going back and packing up the other house. We did do a good bit of packing beforehand, but obviously not all of it. Mel showed up around 6, and we got to it., Finished packing and wer on our way around 7:30. We unpacked until 9:30 and i was completely exhausted. I told her we may need to take another day off work and finish the next day. This is when two angels appeared. Another one of the friends from the neighborhood showed up, along with one of her neighbors to help unpack. Both of these girls had just left Bible study, and whilke they weren't dressed in their Sunday best, weren't exactly dressed to help move furniture. Kelly is our freiend from the old neighbor hood, and the other girl was Kelly's neighbor. They both jumped straight in the truck and started grabbing boxes and small furniture. The highlight of the night was when Kelly grabbed onside of the handmade home entertainment center and told me to get on the other end and "nut up". We grabbed it and brought it in, just the two of us. That thing is over 6 ft. tall,4 ft. wide, 2 1/2 ft. deep, and weighs close to 200 lbs. But she and i got it in the door, no problems. I have never been so happy to see two women in all my life.Without them i would have been unpacking until at least midnight.
But enough of that, it's all done now. Although i did tell Mel that if anything happens to us, she's just going to have to kill me, because i'm not moving again, ever.
My hands are tired from typing, i will try to come back and update the rest in a bit. So long for now.


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Still alive

This is just a quick post. I actually came into work (an hour early) to help wherever needed. The weather was of course horrible. I still vividly remember Andrew and this made that look like "just some wind and rain". The raw power of this storm was amazing.

We lost power @ 8:00 AM yesterday but it came back right before midnight. Much thanks to the linemen working for the local power company. They were out before the storm was acutally showing signs of weakening.

All of my family are ok. My mother and one of my sisters live about 40 miles directly north of New Orleans, and I am about 20 miles NE of that(if you look on a map,they live only a few miles north of the smaller of the two lakes, north of N.O.)

At work, we have some refugees from our sister company in N.O. They seem to be in good spirits and are ready to help as much as possible.

For those of you who don't know, this is the one thing N.O. has been fearing for years, and it finally happened. I am only just now, at work, begininng to see the devastation and destruction left in the wake. I wll try to update more later, maybe a few pics if i can get them uploaded.

For now, back to work. Afterall, there are several hundred people calling wanting their cable back on RIGHT NOW!

All my thoughts and prayers with the people and familes of those that were in the storms path.


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no title

well, it's been a few weeks. time enough to digest all that has happened since the hurricane.

obviously, everyone has seen the devastion, so i hope the people of the Texas gulf coast have done the smart thing and got the hell out.

you know, you see all the incredible stories of people giving until it hurts, lending a helping hand to strangers, volunteering their time,money, and soul to those who have lost anything, and i just wanted to share a story.

my aunt lives in Diamondhead, Miss. She lost everything, as a river behind the home overflowed it banks and flodded her neighborhood. She, her husband, 2 year old daughter, and one of their dogs had to escape to her attic. The water actually started to come into the attic, and then miraculously started to drop. They did however, get plucked from her roof by a group of people doing house to house, scooping up people off their rooves. She had to stay in a shelter for four days, her husband*, with no shoes, for four days. They had to walk back and forth to a store 2 miles away to get the basics to survive while in that shelter. All the while, caring for a 2 year old and a small dog. When my grandmother got news of this, she told the story to her next door neighbor. She's been knowing them for years. One of the neighbors sons lived in Slidell. When he was told the story, he went to p/u my aunt.
He didn't know what shelter she was in.
Didn't know if he would even be allowed into Mississippi.
Didn't really know where to start.
He just went.

He drove to one shelter, and luckily, they had a record of what shelter my aunt and her family were staying in.(Her husband has two boys; 15 and 17 - they were staying with a friend further north). He then drove to that shelter and spotted my aunt walking back from the store, two bags of ice in one hand, and a bag of groceries (as much as she could carry) in the other. He picked her up, went back to the shelter, where she then got her daughter, and had to tell her husband she would be back to get him tomorrow. The neighbors son had a small car and could only bring those two.
The neighbors son then drove, for 5 hours to get he back to my grandmothers home. My grandmother and myself were there waiting. While waiting, the neighbors other son showed up with 3 cases of bottled water and 9 bags of ice. My grandmother's electricity had been out for those past four days. Those two brothers had just missed each other by about 20 minutes.

They wouldn't accept any money, just said a few hellos, and off they went.

My aunt went back the next day and picked up her husband. His two boys are still staying with their friends, and their friends homes had electricity and running water, and more importantly, they had a roof over their heads and bed to sleep in.

I cannot thank the neighbors sons enough for their kindness and generosity.

Thanks again guys.

*my aunt is only about 11 years older than me, so it's hard for me to think of her husband as "my uncle". no disrespect to him, and he doesn't mind that we all just call him by his first name.

edit: i just can't do this story justice, as i am very tired and not remembering the details as well. maybe i'll edit it more tomorrow.


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about time for an update

well, it's beginning to cool off, and it's about time. it seems like summer lasts for 10 months of the year. there really hasn't been muh to update. Me and Mel are doing good, the house is good, we have enough money to pay the bills and a little extra. the L.S.U. football team is doing well. my son is doing wonderful in school. it seems like every aspaect of my life is going well at the moment, and i am really enjoying it.

i am switching departments at my job. my fisrt day will be next monday, doing technical support for our business customers. bigger clients, but less clients. it's actually a demotion for me, but looking into the future, that department will need some form of leadership in the not so distant future, and so far, besides my boss, i am the only one with any experience. so, i'll do this for a while and see how it pans out. should be a lot less stress than what i am dealing with now.

i had Deet over for Halloween for the first time. Normally his mom has him, but this year she had to work late and asked if i wanted to take him. obviously i jumped at the chance, and we had a blast. It was Me and Deet, Mel and her son, and Mel's aunt and a cousin. Deet would go to each door, get his candy, then come and talk with me, he didn't really want to join the other boys. He was quite content to just walk along with me,holding my hand, and talking with me. I really liked that. He just wanted to walk and talk with me. I think i will always remember that night.

I am also going to get him for Christmas this year, and i am getting fired up about that too. I haven't had the chance to play Santa Clause yet. We got Deet and Mel's son a PSP and a couple of games for it. I think Mel may have already got her daughter an Ipod Video (or whatever they are called) and purchased them on my first credit card i have ever owned. We did that in an effort to build my credit back up. I am hoping to buy a new ( or slightly used) full sized truck next year, something with either a quad cab, or at least an extra cab, something with a back seat. I can only put 3 people in my little truck (which wasn't a problem back when i bought was perfect then, lol), but now with 5 people to think of, i need to get something bigger. Mel wants to keep a vehicle with a truck bed, so that ruled an SUV out. Which makes me happy, because to be honest, a nice extra cab truck (V8, pwr windos/locks, CD, etc.) is considered just as good as a caddy. Plus, i like driving a truck like that. I used to borrow Doc's truck, and I have driven my cousin's (he got a few months back) and they are nicer and easier to drive than an SUV.

so, things are on an upswing, and have been for a few months. actually, since i go together with Mel. My life is so much better, and she has told me the same about hers. Neither one of us are living paycheck to payceck. We have plenty of food in the pantry and fridge. If there is something we need, we go and buy it...that just feels good not to have that stress on you, hoping nothing goes wrong until your payday. It's still kind of new to both of us. She pays almost all the bills online, and we look at our budget together, and are suprised every time after paything them all at how much money is left over...not a large some, but not a negative amount or a late fee.

i am re-reading this and i seem a little too wordy today, like i can't get out what i am trying to say. So, i guess i'll wrap this up here. I am going to try to upload som pics of Deet, one of his Halloween costume, and the other, of him on Al Copeland's $1.2 million dollar boat, that was out at the lake where the ex's parents live. He parked it on it's trailer directly across from the old inlaw's house. Now, if you don't kow who he is, he is the owner of all of the Popeye's fried chicken restaurants (which i think are mostly in the south). Why he decided to bring his boat to False River of all places, i don't know. Oh, one more little tidbit: this man is a millionaire in his fifties or sixties...he married a girl that graduated two years after me from my highschool. She was very attractive back then, but i have no idea what she looks like now. What a small world it truly is.



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yes, i'm still alive

I am in the middle of enjoying a week off from work. the new job is good, with A LOT of stuff I have yet to learn. Stuff like handling/programming the equipment for our direct fiber optic connection customers. Fun stuff. Lucky for me, the guy that does most of that now sits directly in front of me. I am soaking up as much as I can.

I have Deet with me this week too. I cannot wait until Christmas morning to see him open his gifts. Me and Mel went WAY overboard on the presents for the kids. But we don't regret it a bit. It's the first Christmas that either one of us has had money to really go all out.

Speaking of Mel, she brought up something the other night. We were in bed, talking know....and she brought up the fact that we have an anniversary coming up. I said " I know, Dec. 21st". She said, "You're not supposed to remember things like that, your male." Yes, I remembered. What's more, is I have an eveing planned for her and also got her a gift for the occasion. She told me she wanted the "ring of diamonds" (or whatever it's reallly called) necklace for Christmas a while back, but when I went yesterday* everyone was sold out. However, I did find a jewelry store that was planning to get some more in tomorrow. The guy their took my name and cell # and will call me the minute they come in. I liked that so much I decided to buy Mel some earrings for our anniversary while I was there. And of course I got her a card. Now, I just have to have some roses delivered and suprise her by picking her up to take her out to eat tomorrow night. That is my plan. I've been trying to be very low key about all of this, because I know if I think too hard or too much about it, I WILL find a way to either let out the secret or fuck it up. So, on to another subject.

My buddy at work, James, IM'd me at work @ 1:30 on Dec. 2, wanting to know if I wanted to go to the SEC Championship Game (L.S.U. vs. Georgia) and that if it was a yes, I needed to let him know right then (he had a friend back out at the last minute). I told him to hang on while I made some calls. I talked to Mel, I talked to Amber (it was my weekend to have Deet) and I asked to them to give me one half decent reason why I shouldn't go and I would stay home. Not being combative, I just didn't want to screw up other people's weekends because I all of a sudden was changing mine. Everything worked out, and a few hours later we were on the road.Also on the trip was a guy that used to work with me and James, but had changed companies a while back. That guy and his wife. We had a great time, ripping on each other, fighting over what to listen to on the XM radio. The entire trip was great...all except the game. That game was painful to watch. Not only because L.S.U. played like crap, but because Drunk Girl** sat next to me all night. She was a GIGANTIC pain in the ass, and I really think she just wanted to score some ass that night. OBVIOUSLY she did not relize that 1) L.S.U is playing, LIVE, IN FRONT OF ME, and trying to get laid is not the priority...and 2) I would never cheat on my girlfriend, S.O., wife, whatever. Yes, those priorities are in the correct order :D

And wow, all of a sudden, I seem to have run out of things to say. I thought there was much more to catch up on, but either I can't remember it or it just was that important.

Oh yes, I think Mel is a little angry with me, because I told her after the Peach Bowl (L.S.U. vs. Miami) I was was driving out that night (Dec. 30) to the hunting camp, hunting the next morning, then driving back to do whatever we are going to do for New Years***. I don't think she wants me to do all that, but I did skip going this weekend. I wanted to drive out their after my company Christmas party, but she wanted me to choose one or the other, so I decided to go to the party. We had a good time, caught up with some people I normally don't have enough time in the day to even say hello to, and just enjoyed an eveing out. Of course, my cousin has called me 3 times this week to tell me just how fantastic the hunt was on Saturday, rubbing in in all week (I'm suprised he hasn't called yet today). So there is no stopping me that weekend. I haven't gone yet this year, so that will be my first trip this seaon, and that day marks the mid-point of the season. I have already missed half, I won't miss much of the other half.

So there it is, an update. really not that much , but something for me to look back on in a year or so. Just to keep all of the memories straight.

one last thing: Sugar-snit...if I had thought I would have been in Atlanta long enough, I would have tried to get in touch, may get some coffee or something. But, we were there for only about 20 hours, so no site-seeing or visiting. Maybe next year....

*I wanted to wait to go shopping this week when I was off, not trying to be a slacker. I just didn't want to have to rush around during a lunch hour to look, I wanted to be able to take my time

** This chick was EXACTLY like the "drunk girl" from Saturday Night Live a few years back: slurred speach, uncoordinated yelling, and just making an ass out of herself, all the while asking me thing while I was trying to enjoy the game. She leaned over on me a couple of times, and told me and James a number of times that she was going to Jocks and Jills (bar) after the game. I was so glad when that game was over.

*** We normally go to our frineds house, which is just a few minutes away. their party normally turns into a block party of sorts, because all of the neighbors from next door, or just couple doors down know each other. So, it goes from a party of 10-15, to a party of 50-60 in no time. However, these friends of ours are splitting up (again) and going through the motions of getting divorced, and it has more drama than i have time to type out. Let's just say that they are going about it in a really bad, mentally-abusive way, and they both should be well passed the point of trying to bluff each other into a desired reaction from the other. It really is quite pitiful to watch.


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Wow. I hadn't realized it had been so long since I updated. I'm just sitting at home, enjoying a lazy day, surfing the web, watching Deet and Mel's boy. Mel, her daughter and about 20 other girls/women took a trip down to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. It's not really a place for younger people, and I hadn't seen Deet in a couple of weeks, so I decided to stay home and watch the boys. Her son has been bouncing around, going in and out all morning, playing with his friends. Deet has been glued to the Playstation all morning.Typical. I can't drag him outside. All he wants to do is play video games, maybe, MAYBE watch the occasional movie. That's OK, I'm going to drag him around to run some errands tomorrow. I took the day off since I already had Tuesday off and Deet was out of school for the week.

Let's see what I need to catch up on. I got a promotion at work. I am back in leadership, being the Tier II Tech SUpport Lead. It's much different than being a lead where i was before. More supervisor duties instead of babysitting. I am enjoying it though. My supervisor gives me the time and room I need to get done what needs to get done. Plus, he has been promoted to manager of the department, so he is going to hire a supervisor to replace him (which he is not going to do until next year.) I am slowly getting myself in line to really move up and earn a position i hope to be able to stick with. So far, it's been a little hectic, but were making it.

I also got a new truck. A brand new one. It's a Grey Crewcab Silverado. I love it. Power-everything, big V8, AUTOMATIC. You would only have to drive in this traffic for one week to realize just how important that is. All of the traffic we gained from people that have evacuated/fled/been displaced from New Orleans has not gone away. Not even a little.You basically add 20 minutes to every trip that was originally more than 15 minutes, and that's about how long it takes you to get anywhere. My drive to work used to take 25-30 minutes, now it's anywhere from 45-60 minutes. Geez.

Not much else going on. Went shopping yesterday with Mel to get her some new tennis shoes and a hooded sweatshirt to wear to N.O., and ended up getting myself 3 pairs of slacks, pair of jeans, 3 T-shirts*, socks and some cargo shorts. Not a bad little score for me. Plus, we noticed when we got home that the cashier forgot to charge us for the jeans. I felt sort of bad about that, but we did just drop @ $200 there so, a $25 pair of jeans wasn't too bad of a discount. Although, we found and only bought things that were on sale or on the clearance racks, so, we got tons of stuff. For me, Mel, her kids. All in all, we spent about $300 yesterday. But now I won't have to buy anything except maybe a new pair of dress shoes anytime soon. (My 5 year old Doc Martins are beginning to show their age, plus I need something a little nicer.)

Oh, something that happened the other night. I knew Deet has been doing well in school, but the other night he truly surprised me. We went to a restaurant to eat, one of those Bar and Grill type places. The menu was written in chalk on these huge chalkboards over the counter. Well, we were deciding what to eat when Deet tells me he wanted a hot dog. I told him that I didn't think hot dogs were served there, but he said, "they do, look RIGHT THERE!" So I look, and sure enough, there it was on the board. You see, this is the first time he has ever really read something to me. We really never have to do school work when he is with me, nor does he have ANY intrest in reading a book, and he has never really made his own decision when it comes to ordering food. Normally, I have to give him his options and then he gets kind of flustered trying to remember what he just heard.
It got a little better. He went on to say he did NOT want the chili dog (listed right below the hot dog) nor did he want the corn dog (listed above it).
So, basically, he looked over the menu, made his decision, and informed me of it. He has NEVER done that around me. I need to ask his mom how long he has been doing this for her.
I can't say I am surprised. He has been doing extremely well in school and making A's on most of his tests. I couldn't be more proud of him. Now if I could just get him to enjoy something other than video games, lol.

Well, that's about it. Nothing real exciting, but some nice things going on in my life. Things are good. We have enough money to go shopping once in a while. All our bills are getting paid before they are due. We both have nice cars, and this wonderful house. The kids are great, everyone is healthy, no ailments. All in all, life is good.(Well, except for the damn cat that keeps wailing, trying to get outside. I swear, he sounds like a female cat in heat!**). I am in a good place in life right now, really happy with how things are going. Almost content. I'll always want to do better than I did the year before, but right now, it feels good to sit back and enjoy it a little.

* I have more long sleeve button up shirts than I need, I just have a problem with not wanting to iron them so I can wear them. I would rather just throw on a pull-over, which i have tons of also. I do not have very many T-shirts that I would wear anywhere in public. Most of them have some hole or stain on them somewhere, so if I just want to wear T-shirt and jeans, I didn't have much choice.

** That little fucker is going to get his in a couple of weeks. First we got his balls clipped, next we are going to get his claws removed. I just wish there was something we could do about that " meeeowwROOOWWWRRRRR" that he does when he walks up to the front or back door. "NO, you little shit, you are not going outside, and if you do, you know I am going to catch you 30 seconds after you get out the door. So, KNOCK IT OFF!"
OMG, I cannot believe what just happened (and if I'm lying, may the lord strike me down) I literally just finished typing that rant above about the cat, when I looked out the window, there he was....OUT-FUCKING-SIDE!!! Mel's son had run across the street a few minutes before and didn't close the front door all the way.

The irony is overwhelming. :bleagh:


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anybody out there?

Well, I was sitting here, about to go to bed when I thought, "hey, I haven't updated the journal in a while." so here it is.

I had a birthday party for Deet this weekend. He turned 8 yrs. old. He does't look any different than he did last weekend, but I know he is older. It just seems a little different. My little boy is growing up. Oh, and he did great this year in school. No special classes and he passed! On to second grade. I can't tell you how proud I am of him

Mel and I are still trucking along, same as always. It's so easy just to be here and everything is just so laid back. Now I need to start making some serious plans for our future. Still not sure where I am going to come up with money for an engagement ring (the size she wants, lol) without here knowing about it. I guess I am going to have to put it on a credit card or something, then pay it off after I pop the question.

The question is, when do I do it? We had a little "discussion" (read-arguement) the other day, but nothing major. The thing is, she seems perfectly fine with how things are now, ring or no ring, but I want to do what is right. It's weird, it just seems like there would be some sense of timing that would be building up and there's just not. It's like we'll just live together forever. I have no problem with that either...I know if I am patient enough, and answer will reveal always does.

On to other things. My boss will be out all this week, so I'll be in charge. There isn't really anything that may come up that I can't handle, I just don't like surprises. Like people calling in sick, or an irate customer wanting out of his contract for whatever reason, or widespread outages of our services. I know those are things that are going to come up anyway and you have to deal with them ( and I can), I just don't like them.

Well, I all of a sudden ran out of things to say. Well the only other thing worht noting is that I quit smoking last weekend. I had a couple during me and Mel's "discussion", then a while after that, I had a headache, so i started smoking one then. Mel gave me some cold and flu meds , so i didn't even get one good drag of that last ciggy. And, I haven't touched one since.
It really hasn't been that hard, but i was only smoking about half a pack a day. Not really a hardcore smoker. I will say that I am not going to be a hypocrite, I know I will smoke if I go out to have some drinks. I just wanted to get rid of all the cigarettes in between. I got tired of my mouth constantly being dry, me smelling like cigarette, my clothes smelling like cigarette, and waking up with my chest feeling tight. I just wish I could get Mel to slow down and/or stop also. I already told her I am NOT going to wheel her around in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank when she gets something. I WILL NOT lead my life like that. I may love you, but if you don't love YOURSELF enough to stop destroying yourself, how can I be expected to help you deal with the aftermath?
Cruel? Maybe. But everyone only gets one turn on this ride, and I intend to enjoy every second of it, not sit on the sidelines caring for someone who didn't care for themselves.

Wow. Um, nice little rant I went off on there. Sorry 'bout that.

Anywho, it's late, and I need sleepy. Goodnight for now.


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World Cup FEVAH!!!

I have the house to myself this weekend. Mel went with some friends to Florida and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon. I have Deet with me because I thought it would be cool to have a weekend together for just him and I. We just got back from seeing Cars. It was cool and it was fun seeing the movie incorporate some true life things into the movie. Like Richard Petty's Superbird
He was my favorite driver before NASCAR was "NASCAR". Back when I liked it (more) it was known just as "Stock Car Racing." I may watch the ocassional race or bits and pieces of a race here and there, but I'm just not a diehard fan like I used to be. I much prefer drag racing (hey, I gotta get my redneck fix from something!) I found it funny that I had just read a review on the movie from some writer in our local paper who basically didn't like it except for the actual realism of the animation of it. I thought the movie was pretty good and was a lot funnier than that writer had made it out to be. No matter, I was going one way or another since Deet has been talking about it for weeks now.

By the way, did I ever mention that I am a HUGE soccer fan? (I'm sure I have). I am LOVING the Digital Video Recorder! I have not and will not miss a game. I am strongly considering skipping work Monday so I can watch the U.S.A. vs. Czech Republic live. It was horrible trying not to look at or when I had a few spare minutes on Friday. Those are normally the first two I look at! I can't begin to know exactly how excited Burns is, but I know I can hardly wait until the next game comes on after one ends. By the way Burns, if you read this, I am really looking for England to go all the way. I think Rooney's foot is going to be just fine and he will be fit enough to go for significant playing time.

Well, not much else going on, been doing some chores and putting off cutting the grass until tomorrow. Just hanging around watching TV and surfing the web.

Oh, I have been doing really well on the smoking thing. I had ZERO cigarettes for one solid week. I realized that I know I won't quit 100%, but I have cut back significantly. I made a whole pack last a week this past week and have had 1 in the last 2 days. Could have something to do with Mel not being here, I guess I just don't think about it as much when I don't see her

Anywho, think I am going to look for something to eat. I made some breakfast this morning, 2 eggs (scrambled) 3 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of toast, and coffee. I DID have a cigarette after that, so actually, that makes 2 I have had this weekend. Still not bad. It's normally 8-12 a day.

Alright, now I am rambling, going now.


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my god, has it been that long since i last updated?

time has been just flying by. the whole quitting smoking thing lasted about a week. i just wanted to smoke, not realy needing to smoke (yeah, that sounds like an addict to me too).

i went on vacation with Mel and all the kids. We had some other friends go to, it was a group of about 15. It was great. We went to Schlitterbahn Water Park and Six Flags in New Braunfels, Tx. It was a blast. The waterpark was HUGE, lots of people, and unfortunately for us, that meant long lines to get on the water rides. The Plus side of this is that i now know that compared to the general population, i will never be embarrassed to walk around in swimming attire. I would say that almost EVERY other guy there was either in worse shape than myself (and i'm not in shape) or had way more body hair than should be seen. Word to the guys out there...keep that shit trimmed up. No one wants to see Chewbacca in a swim suit. Also, mix in a little excercise. I don't have the body of the Solo-flex guy, but geez, i felt a lot better about my spare tire after seeing all that.

Also in the news...I almost did the unthinkable and broke up with Mel. We have had several talks in the past year about how our relationship was going and how she seemed to never want to be around just me, but always wanted our friends over for a visit. We never speant time alone, just me and her, for very long. Also, the sex was almost non-existent. She would either go to bed real early, or would stay up and fall asleep on the sofa. And it's not the lack of sex. I have said for a long time that when a couple stops having sex, there are bigger problems with the relationship. When you don't want to have sex with someone, you two have some problems. So, I acted like a complete dick for a week, trying to get a reaction. And I finally did after 8 days. We had a talk, and basically I told her I was done. She could have the house, everything in it, I would give her some money for the next few months to help with the bills, and I would go find somewhere to live until I got everything sorted out.
I told her I didn't feel like we had a connection with one another. I told her I felt like I was her roommate. I could have the same relationship with a female roommate as what i had with her. I told her we had no chemistry, no spark, and it was starting to make me miserable to come home.
She finally said something that made me stop (and actually made me angry when she said it*). She said, "If I give you what you want, you have to promise not to abuse it." I told her (after I calmed down) that, that was all I ever wanted. She admitted that she was being guarded b/c it was the best way not to get hurt. I was angry that I was giving her everything, trying my best to have and show enough love for two people. I was tired of being the only one that acted like they were in love. I asked her why she couldn't give me any affection, come and kiss me when she is on her way out somewhere. How come she never rubbed my back or ran her fingers through my hair, yet anytime she cam anywhere near me, I would rub her shoulders, massage her feet, or when she put her head in my lap, I would run my fingers through her hair. I wanted that, and I never got it.
Even after she said what she said, I still almost walked out. I couldn't beleive that she actually admitted to not trying.
This was the first time I had ever broke up with someone and not just walked away, which is what I have done in the past. When I make up my mind it's done, it's done. I am not going to linger around or call to see how you are doing, ponder what could have been.
So, we talked more. And talked. And talked. I told her this was not a bluff, and I was furious that it took me walking out to get her to open up. There was a little crying, some hand-holding. But in the end, there was a look in her eyes I had only seen once or twice in our whole relationship.
Since then, it has been nothing short of perfect. She has been more open, more affectionate.She has been more fun to be around, and our friends have noticed it too. She has even been sending my dirty text messages to my phone while I'm at work. Oh and the sex? Let's just say that my hips have been sore all week. :up: :banana:

Enough of that. I'm a lot happier and so is she. I want it to stay just like this forever. I know there will still be some tough times, but as long as we are on the same page with our relationship and what we want out of it, I know we will be just fine.

Me and Deet are going to the L.S.U. vs. Arizona game in a little bit. I am fired up that he can go with me. He seems to be getting a little ansy right now, and we aren't leaving for another hour and a half. I need to get us something to eat before we go, but I just thought I would check in.

*I was so hurt to know I had been banging my head up against a wall that she was intentionally putting up to keep me out. I would have thought that after 18 months she could trust me not to hurt her. This part of our talk actually brought tears to my eyes, because I was still certain at this point that I could not stay.


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kind of a quick post, even though i have not posted in so long and so much has changed.

i changed jobs. i no longer work with or talk to "complete fucking idiots". my old job was working for the only local cable company in Baton Rouge (a quick search would give you the name). I got a job offer from a friend to become a 'Steel Detailer'. Yeah, I know. What the hell is a 'steel detailer'? Basically, a job comes in for a steel company. Said steel company has to produce the columns,beams and braces for the job. They turn the plans over to my company. We use a program that makes a 3-D model of the project so we can construct it in the virtual world. This ensures all the pieces fit together, all the holes are marked correctly, and the connections of the beams,columns, and braces are correct. It also makes sure that those connections are strong enough. The program makes all those calculations, but we still have to build it correctly in the model.
So far, all i have done is build the handrails (safety rails) that go on platforms and walking areas that are on those jobs.
I really had no business jumping into this business without knowing anything about it. I feel like the idiot now. Every job is different, every piece and part is different. And the program is extremely difficult to use. Especially with NO training. I would like for someone, namely my friend who talked me into coming over to sit with me one day to help out.
Oh, and i made this change at the end of January. So it's been almost 5 months and i still feel so out of place and lost. I went from being in a leadership position where i was well respected at a large company, in a large building to the bottom of the totem pole in a small building that has 10 total employees.
Why? because the friend that talked me into coming over is the head man in charge when the boss is out and is making a 6 figure salary. I know it will take many years before i make that much, but with a little oveime, i am making more now than i was at the cable company.
Our ultimate goal is to open our own steel detailing company in 5-7 years. This is what i am working for. This is why i decided to make this leap of faith, and damnit, i WILL make it work.

So, what else? Oh, i did split up with Mel. We had a fight, went 5 days without saying a word - not one - to each other. Until she blew up at me for "almost" overdrawing the bank account. We had another fight, she told me to get out. So i did. Made arrangements to stay with the same friend i am now working with. Had it all settled.
It finally dawned on Mel that i was NOT coming back, so she asked, pleaded for another chance with whatever stipulations i set. I had her go see a therapist. I had her agree to NEVER go to bed mad again. There would be no more spats with no discussion after (which was the norm - just wait for whatever the problem was to fade away until we both cooled off).
Things are MUCH improved now. BOTH of us are much happier now. I guess we'll ride this thing out.

My son's birthday is tomorrow. Going to get him for a few hours (it's his mother's weekend) and go to a friends house to go swimming and B-B-Q. Should be fun.

Well, I am in the middle of doing chores. Mel got called out to go shoot an X-ray (her week on-call) so i am trying to do some things before she gets back. I need to go swap the clothes in the washer and dryer (and fold - ugh!), and finish picking up around the house. So i need to get going.

I hope everyone will start posting again. I still check this site almost everyday when i get home from work to see what has been going on.

Congrats on your wedding Snit!
I have to work Monday, but i hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend!

Later peeps.


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it's been a while

Yes, I love Aaron Lewis and Staind.

I don't feel any older...yet.

New Orleans is still the best place to party , especially after seeing Van Halen in concert. How fucking cool is it to be Wolfgang Van Halen right about now?
David Lee Roth can still kick, stretch, and kick. Amazing.
Eddie is a god.

I am updating, but not feeling all that chatty.

Oh, I swithced jobs again. Now working for Jacobs Engineering. That other place sucked ass. The only thing that kept me from going crazy was listening to the comedy channel on satellite radio in my office. I miss working with Brandon, but damn that place was depressing. I can't complain too much though. It gave me the experience to go to Jacobs, for much more money and MUCH better benefits. I do miss working with my friend though.

Hmmm. Trying to get in touch with the ex to see about getting Deet for a few hours today. I want him to go with me to my sisters house and then here for my birthday. I picked up a few things for him in New Orleans including a print of Tiffany, the Blue Dog, a snow globe (which he collects) and a couple of Pete the Cat stickers.

One day I will get a copy of the Blue Dog picture Deet colored when he was about 5. It is AMAZING how well it came out.

Anywho, gonna get. Got stuff to do round the house before I leave.

Oldlady, where are you?


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Me and Mel are over. We are done. This is a reply to an email she sent me a few days ago.

Ok, I'm not sure where to begin so I'll just start. First and most important of all I AM SORRY. For everything I have put you through. I in no way ever thought it would ever come to this. I NEVER planned this, I didn't willingly seek this out. It just happened. I know that may not now, nor ever bring you any comfort and you may never believe me, but it IS the truth.

It WAS wrong to keep inviting * over after knowing that she had said she had feelings for me, but I honestly did NOT let that affect OUR relationship. Again, you may never believe that but it is the truth. I know that I can honestly say I never looked at our relationship with a jaded eye. I took it for what it was without any outside influence. The decision I made was made by me and only me.

I gave this so much thought until it hurt when I came to the realization that we were not going to work. I did give us an honest chance, but in the end, I honestly cannot see how we would ever get any better. That really does hurt. It makes me nauseous, everyday, all day. I have no idea where my life is going next. But I know that while I wish to God (I did pray about this) that it would have, I just can't see how it will get better or even be repaired.

You say to come back and give it an honest chance, but I think that a year is plenty enough time to realize that neither one of us is going to change who we are or how we act towards each other. I'm sorry if you don't believe this, but I really do feel like I am only a paycheck, and that I am only as close to you as a roommate. You say you tried, but I just didn't see it. And you did do better for a while. But then, slowly but surely, things went back to the way they were. And I just cannot do that anymore.

You need to KNOW that my decision was based on MY feelings, and not the words of other people. You can deny the things that I tell you they told me, but there is just too much information that points to the contrary. Specific times, specific things said that were hurtful and should have never been said, even as a joke. You cannot believe I STILL get mad when I think about you calling me your B.O.A.T.**That was so disrespectful, and yet you got mad when I told you I was not that person anymore. You were quite happy to embrace that and run with it, never once thinking of how it made me feel. Calling me that once, twice a hundred times was funny. That last hundred were not. And I can't believe that anyone would actually want to refer to someone they say they care about in that way. For the record, I am NOBODY'S bitch.

I still have a MAJOR problem with you even mentioning Deet's name (either by mouth or by text) after your email. You knew I was a package deal, all the way until I die. I just talked to (Deet's Mom) a few minutes ago, and even she remembers me telling her about my future plans for Deet. So for you to take issue with me "stating" that he could come stay with me when he wants is an insult to me.

I also get so tired of fighting with you all the time. Your answer is that "couples have their ups and downs and have arguments...they get through them." While I agree that is true, I don't think that a healthy relationship takes THAT much effort. I refuse to believe that almost once a month couples have a knock down, drag out fight to the point that they don't speak to each other for a day or three. You know how I feel about that, but since you have never lost an argument, then I am the one to have to comply with whatever the fight was about. You have NEVER once said you were wrong, EXCEPT when I have left. So obviously, there is some conflict there. I just can't bring myself to get into ANOTHER fight where I am left wondering afterwards "what could I have done better?" You NEVER concede that you have any fault in a fight and that you could have done something to prevent it. Compromise is NOT something you know how to do.

NONE of this is new. These are the exact same problems we have had since the very first fight. And now, the fights have elevated to the point that we don't even care to not do it in front of friends or even in public. And they are getting more vicious every time. More anger, meaner, and lower. It's a downward spiral I am NOT going to get sucked into. I cannot do this anymore.

I have heard Kelly and now also Laura tell me about how much hurt you are going through. That you are not eating, not doing well at work. I really wish that I had never caused that much pain. But then EVRYONE needs to step back and ask "what about Rich?" Everyone can clearly see the pain and suffering you are going through, but what about what I have felt all those times that I lie in bed wondering "what part of me is not good enough?" When is it MY turn to be felt and understood? There were two people in this relationship, but apparently I always came in second.

You say you have a problem communicating your emotions, yet you have NO trouble letting me know when you are mad. And also, now seems to be the only time that you seem to be able to tell me that you really love me and that I am the most important thing in the world to you. But if that were really true, I would already know it. You wouldn't have to tell me in this way. You know I can read you when you are having a bad day or keeping something bottled up inside. I can also tell when you are not even bothered to wonder how I feel. You see I keep talking about how I feel. Because I am now in self defense mode. Now, I am making sure that if you can't show me you can love me, then you can't show me when you're mad either.

It's too late to tell me how you really feel. I am past that. I am sure that you do love me, and I do love you. But I also am tired of feeling like I will never get through the wall around you. I really, honestly did try to get through. I used different tactics. I tried doing the opposite of what I thought was right. But in the end, whatever effort I put forth was acknowledged briefly, then tossed to the side. I deserve better than that. I made an effort. I made numerous efforts. I out and out kissed your ass for a time. And when you were fragile, when we got back to gather last time, I could have been cruel. I could have made you walk on eggshells. But as you know, I'm not like that. I needed you to relax and open up to me. You tell me you opened up more to me than anyone else. I have to tell you, you didn't. I know there is much more than what you shared with me. I would have it briefly, but then it would disappear. Someone that has known you for so long should not have to fight so hard to get in. Even friends are closer than that after so long.

Something else that has been bothering me. You have repeated over and over in your text messages and emails that you know you have a problem with expressing your emotions. So, have you even bothered to think about going back to a doctor? A real one this time. Not that 2 trip bullshit and you're done. That to me was not even an effort. And I KNOW I told you that in one of our previous fights (before this weekend).

JESUS CHRIST THIS HURTS!!!! You are not the only one hurting here. To know my efforts and my emotions were wasted. I have not had the opportunity to break down yet. It's going to be the mother of all meltdowns too. And will anyone think of that? Will anyone remember there were two people in this relationship that got so bad that one of them had to get out? I WAS MISERABLE!!! And you never stopped to ask or wonder why or how I was feeling. Don't tell me that I hide my emotions that well, because if you loved me the way you say you do, YOU STILL WOULD HAVE NOTICED! If you really felt that close to me, you would have known how I felt without even needing to ask. And no, that doesn't mean you should have been able to read my mind. But you would have had some clue. There were days when I went to the bathroom to calm myself down because I knew I came through the door acting like a prick. But never a word is said. Just going through the motions. Again.

I know I will never be forgiven for what I have done. I know I mortgaged my credibility and my self esteem. My integrity. I know I gave all that up to anyone who hears and sees what you have seen. But I know that I can honestly say to myself that I tried. I gave this an honest try. And now I can't do it anymore. And I can't believe that it takes something like this to get you to open up.

Oh one more thing, something that has burned my ass for that past few days. All this emotion, all this caring, all this openness with how much you love me. The why in FUCK did you waste so much time worrying about someone else's relationship? Because I/me/Rich was NOT the most important thing to you. Your love?

I'm not sure what else to say. I know I will think of a million other things to say once this has been sent. I know you see this as me just walking away. I gave it a real chance. You got something no one else has ever got. A second chance. If you didn't care enough to keep up what you were doing the first few months this time around, I know it will get easier to become more complacent the more chances I give. I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT. I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR COMPLACENTCY OR INDIFFERENCE.

This is all. I want you to know that I typed all this without opening your letter you just left me on my truck so that I would not get distracted/sidetracked/go off on a rant.

These are my words and my feelings. If you can't feel my pain now, you never will.

*one day soon I'll get around to explaining her.

*B.O.A.T. = Bitch Of All Trades - for dealing with everything as if i were her bitch.


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That's my nickname for her.

The other woman.

The "home wrecker".

The "scandalous hooker".

If you've seen Tombstone or Wyatt Earp, then you know who Josie is. She is the person that helped Wyatt escape from a demoralizing relationship and became his partner in life.

And that's who she is to me.

For the record I know I AM NOT Wyatt Earp. This isn't some fairy tale, and I know it's not a movie. This is my life.

Josie has been there for me during everything I have been through with Mel in the past couple of years.She pushed me back towards Mel when I left last time. She helped me when I felt doubt about me and Mel. Putting her own feelings for me aside.

She and Mel have been friends just as long as me and Mel have been friends, actually longer. They knew each other and were friends before I ever met Mel.

Josie and I started talking about the possibilities of a relationship a couple of months ago, if things didn't work out between me and Mel. I had started griping and complaining about the direction the relationship was going. We sent a few squirrely emails and text messages, but never acted on anything. I never cheated on Mel. I had to get out before I did. I always said that it's better to just leave instead of cheating and lying to someone. In a way I did have an affair, but never cheated.

That doesn't make it ok. That doesn't justify anything. I will never forgive myself for putting someone through so much pain. I have to carry that around forever. And I know I will. It's hard to look anyone in the eye right now, people that have no idea or even the slightest bit of care as to what I've done. I just feel so ashamed of myself right now.

But then there's Josie. Someone who compliments me and my ideas. Someone who genuinely acts like she is happy just to hear my voice. Someone who shares the same ideas about where I want to be in 10,20, 50 years from now. She wants the same things out of life as I do. She gets me. And she likes it.
She has no problem with me going hunting ( a fight me and Mel had SEVERAL times ).
She doesn't think soccer is gay. ( I tried to watch it often. I love watching soccer, but Mel's exact words every time she would see it is "Soccer is gay.")
She thinks that it's just fine to travel the country in an RV once we're retired. (something Mel would adamantly argue about).
She thinks that it's a waste of a perfectly good man if you fall asleep anywhere but in his arms at night.

It's hard to believe this (and anyone who is depising me right now will just roll their eyes in disgust, thinking I am making this up) but I have felt closer to Josie in the past few days, talking to her and being with her, than I ever have with Mel.

I have seen more passion and romance from her in a week than I have seen from Mel EVER. TOTAL. COMBINED.

I feel like I am truly with someone who appreciates me for who I am, not someone she wants me to be.

I have made it perfectly clear to Josie that I have no idea where I am going, much less where we are going. She knows that I can't even concentrate on a relationship right now. She knows she is getting only a little part of me right now.

But she is perfectly willing to wait until I can.

I really see hope for the things I want out of life and my goals and expectations now. And think that Josie will be with me the rest of the way, either holding my hand, or cheering me on.

It feels really good.


insert witty comment here
where to begin?

my life has been great. Deet is doing great in school, Josie is wonderful, and we are in fact, in love.
It feels like it should. Everything with Mel was strained, or we were too cool to be all mushy and sweet. I have since discovered that there are times for that, and they come quite naturally. It's amazing.

I didn't realize just how bad my relationship with Mel had gotten until i removed myself from it and entered a new, better relationship.I actually feel happy instead of saying over and over to myself trying to convince myself that i was.

I have plenty more to say, but i am about to walk out the door (yeah i know..."then why in the hell did you stop to post this drivel?")

Will update again soon. just know "it's friday, i'm in love!" (and i really am not a fan of The Cure)