Bunched Panties: "You're Not Gonna Read It, So I Might As Well Say It"

[benorbeen]

<b>"Why Do I Want To Be Alone"?</b>

Aimée just nailed it on the head. After reading the above journal entry, she called me. She said essentially, "You don't want to be closer to someone. You want to be <i>alone</i>."

I'm in therapy right now. My goal was to find out why it's hard for me to be closer to people. I want to change that goal. I want now to find out

Why Do I Want To Be Alone?



I am already trying to figure it out. And at that question, I am dumbfounded.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>I Keep Flipping Leaves</b>

The more I continue, the more I think There are no answers.

The Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness

The Benefits of Spending Time Alone

Loneliness is the pain of being alone. Solitude is the joy of being alone.

I am not in pain when I am alone. Much of the time, I am relieved or happy to be alone.

The fact of the matter is that the state of “aloneness” is the same whether we are suffering loneliness or enjoying solitude. The only difference is in our attitude toward ourselves. In solitude we enjoy spending time alone, because we know that we are in the best company there is! In loneliness we believe we are alone because nobody wants to be with us.

Loneliness is not simply a matter of being alone, but rather the feeling that no one really cares what happens to you. It is the painful awareness that we lack close and meaningful contact with others, which produces feelings of being cut off from them.

Quotations on Solitude

In Defense of Solitude

*

I am again confused, but still at the same conclusions: 'I am busy, which means I have less time for myself, which means I have less to give of myself until I have time for myself.'

In the time I am less busy, I will have more time for myself, which means I will have more time to give of myself.

At those times, I have fallen in love. I think every. single. time.

What does that say to me? To you, it probably says, "Well, Hell, GET LESS BUSY SO YOU CAN LOVE!!" It's not saying that to me. It's saying, "Once you find love, hope that it weathers the storm." The storm's being busyness. I come back to the desire to find someone who can tolerate my busyness at times--my most recent relationship, I precautioned about my winter auditioning schedule from the start. And in my bout of emergencies over the last few weeks, it didn't make it. And that filled me with despair.

The question Why do I want to be alone? feels incomplete. While I was dumbfounded by the question last night, today I say, "It's because I don't get time for myself."

I took time off from acting earlier this year because I wasn't having time to myself; I was getting up before 5 in the morning to wait in the cold to audition, making it really hard for me to do something for myself (marathon training and proving that my knee was okay). Acting is my career--but I do have interests outside it. While it might seem like ego-worship to audition and promote myself, it's more my chosen job than anything--it does bring me satisfaction when I get to do it, but since I so rarely get to do it, I have to pursue it, which takes lots of time and money. And I do have interests outside acting, as for now was spending time with my girlfriend, reading up on game theory, cleaning my room and apartment, making dinner for myself, and just having unstructured time. I only have so many hours in a day.

My life would be different if my acting career were 9-to-5, or that I was rehearsing during those hours.

I go back and forth thinking I'm a horrible person and a person who is just fine. I have trouble getting close to people. Maybe that is because I don't have enough time to be close to myself.

Some advice I've read has pointed to the simple notion that You Must Love Yourself. I do not know whether I do--I think I do, then I think I must not, so I get confused.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>I'm Not Sure If This Is Accurate, But Here Goes</b>

Ben:
Me -> Love ---> Work ---------------------------> [repeat]


Not:
Me -> Work ---------------------------> Love ---> [repeat]

Which is identical to:
Work ---------------------------> Love ---> Me -> [repeat]

Which is to say, I can't give love until I've gotten time for myself.

It's like that lesson I learned very hard when I was a kid. "Don't bother Dad with things immediately when he walks through the door. You have a better chance of getting his better side once he's had time to settle in."

Sometimes, Sadly:
Work ---------------------------> [repeat] [Where's Love --->? Where's Me ->?]

Or:
Work ---------------------------> Love ---> [repeat] [Where's Me ->?]

Sometimes I just wish I had this, esp. at times like the two examples above:
Me ---------------------------> [repeat until satisfied]

*

I don't think busy is my excuse. I could really change it if I wanted to--I could drop my acting career, or pursue it somewhere else--but I don't want that. I am where I want to be, working toward doing what I want to be doing. It could happen tomorrow, it could never happen.

*

Someday, I won't be so busy. (Right?)

(I'm not sure I know the true answer to that.) (How could I?)

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Addendum Re: Prior Entry</b>

Ben:
Me -> Love ---> Work ---------------------------> [repeat]

What this can trace is Happiness.

I am not happy in work if I'm not happy in love. I'm not happy in love if I'm not happy in my time for myself.

When I've been upset in my lovelife, worklife has been pretty damn tough. When I've been unhappy in my worklife, my time to myself has been tough. When I'm lacking in my time to myself, my lovelife has suffered. As well as my worklife. And cycled back on myself, as well as my time to myself again.

These are the three main things going on in my life: Work, Love, Time to Myself. Work likes to push out Love and Time to Myself.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Addendum II Re: Prior Entry</b>
Or, Someone Stop Me! I'm A Paradigmoholic!

... That's a neat word to pronounce ...

Ben:
Me -> Love ---> Work ---------------------------> [repeat]

This can also trace Fear. Simply read it somewhat backwards.

Fear of work breeds avoidance of work, thus spending a lot of time alone, likely in an unhealthy way because it may be motivated out of fear. Solitude can come from simply just lack of work, though, as in joblessness.

Fear of spending time with yourself (fear of solitude) leads to seeking companionship in love, likely in an unhealthy way because it may be motivated out of fear. Fear of solitude is essentially loneliness, although wanting or finding love can come from having too much time to yourself and no people around you. Such may be an entirely healthy reason.

Fear of love leads to working too hard, likely in an unhealthy way because it may be motivated out of fear. Fear of love is essentially workaholism, although being busy does not necessarily a workaholic make--there may be justification behind someone's being busy.

*

Fear of solitude can also lead eventually to workaholism, but before that step it seems there's first a fear of love. The companionship of a relationship might come as a filler for something that ultimately doesn't satisfy being alone, and leads a person to seek that fulfillment in work.

Fear of love can also lead eventually to loneliness, but it seems before that step there's first fear of work. The workaholism might come as some sort of filler that ultimately doesn't satisfy loving, and leads a person to seek that fulfillment in being alone.

Fear of work can also lead eventually to fear of love, but it seems before that step there's first a fear of solitude, a loneliness. The excessive time spent alone might come as a filler for something that ultimately doesn't satisfy work, and leads a person to seek that fulfillment in love.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>I'm Not Sure If This Adds Anything New</b>

What the above paradigm, if accurate, seems to say:

When love is difficult, the natural inclination is to seek refuge in work. And to come back to love again invigorated, before that has to be some time to be alone.

When work is difficult, the natural inclination is to seek some time alone. And to come back to work again invigorated, before that has to be some time in love.

When being alone is difficult, the natural inclination is to seek refuge in love and relationships. And to come back to being alone again invigorated, before that has to be some time at work.

*

When I had a major crush, it came at a time when I was feeling a strong desire for affection. I wanted to sleep next to someone, be hugged and kissed. I had been alone for two years, without a relationship, primarily working and living.

I sought companionship in loving this person, and chased for a long time, not spending time on my acting career, and feeling really down when I was alone without her.

When I found out she did not like me, what immediately followed was a renewed interest in my acting career, and I injected a fervor into it as I'd never injected before. I was an auditioning madman, working by day, and rehearsing by night. I would often get only 4 hours of sleep, 3 nights a week. I had little in the way of time being alone.

When things slowed down auditionwise around June, I had more time alone. I injured my knee, and was forced to be by myself. The lesson I learned was that "Ultimately, I'm the only one who can take care of myself," because I had no one knocking on my door to take care of me when I couldn't walk right.

I can't say that the relationship that followed a few months later came from needing someone to take care of me or fear of being alone, but I was then able to open up to another because I had my need of solitude met.

This isn't bullshit; this is eye-opening to me.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Three Imbalances</b>

Ben:
Me -> Love ---> Work ---------------------------> [repeat]

I've not seen the reality show <i>The Simple Life</i>, but I've heard it described as two people who've never worked in their lives, working.

That made me realize one, then three imbalances that could happen to the paradigm I thought of today:

"The Simple Life"
Me -----------> Love -----------> [repeat]

This paradigm lacks work, so life is balanced between being by oneself and being in love/companionship. When being alone is too much to handle, love is how to alleviate it. When being in love is too much to handle, being alone is how to alleviate it.

The actual balance of these two elements is up to the individual person.

"The Lost Soul"
Love -----------> Work -----------> [repeat]

This paradigm lacks time to oneself, so life is balanced between being in the company of friends and loved ones and at work. When love is too much to handle, work is how to alleviate it. When work is too much to handle, love is how to alleviate it.

This is dubbed "The Lost Soul" because the person can lose track of him- or herself. If love is removed from life, and work is removed from life, the person is left alone and must deal. If no ability to be alone is developed, the person may feel pained or lost. (I think of my grandmother when my grandfather died--I think she basically lived for him, she may not have even worked other than parented.)

Again, the actual balance of these two elements is up to the individual person.

"The Hardened Heart"
Me -----------> Work -----------> [repeat]

This paradigm lacks love, so life is balanced between being alone and being at work. When being alone is too much to handle, work is how to alleviate it. When work is too much to handle, being alone is how to alleviate it.

This is dubbed "The Hardened Heart" because a life without love can seem and feel emotionless and cold. At those times in my life when it's been about just me and just work, I've felt my coldest and devoid of feeling. Being in a family situation when you have to take care of others can take away time for yourself, and if you're out of work, you're put into a situation of pure reliance on loved ones. That can be truly difficult for the hardened heart. (I imagine; this one's hardest for me to understand.)

The actual balance of these two elements is up to the individual person.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Synonymics</b>

Me, Love, and Work could be more accurately reworded as Myself, My Relationships, and My Obligations.

Work for me really is anything that I feel I must be doing rather than something I simply want to do. As a result, those things are not necessarily enjoyable, even though they may serve my life well (paycheck, career advancement).

Love for me in the sense I've been writing has mostly been That One Special Person I Love in my life, but it's a spectrum more accurately--of my love, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, etc. It's a spectrum of closest person to most distant person, the most distant people being acquaintances whose lives interest me out of obligation (like my boss or something).

Me is time with myself, getting to know me, pleasing me, taking care of me. If I'm out getting groceries, that might be a mix of Work and Me--it might look like Me, but it feels like Work. Working on my acting career is more Work time than Me time, because I have interests outside acting, and I do acting to essentially make money. Sometimes, though, acting can be Me time, usually at a time when it's only important to enjoy the experience of acting to learn about myself.

The thought of curling up and reading a book, or writing an entry--that's what most feels like Me time. Those things I want to do by myself, That's Me Time.

Those things I want to do with another person, That's Love Time.

Those things I want to do to for pay, That's Work Time.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Trying To Answer Some Questions</b>

Watching <i>Secretary</i>. Jesus fucking Christ. It has stunned/awakened me. I'm a little confused right now. Not done with it. I'm seeming to learn from movies these days.

But onto the subject at hand:

Given:
Ben:
Me -> Love ---> Work ---------------------------> [repeat]

(Read the paradigm backwards for the Answers.)

"Why do I want to be alone?"
Answer: Because I have too much work in my life.

"Why do I want to be close to someone?"
Answer: Because I have too much time to myself.

"Why do I want to be working right now?"
Answer: Because I spend too much time with loved ones.

*

Not the only answers, but I'm trying a little harder to see how I might be able to change how I work. Do I <i>really</i> have to work so hard? I have proven by pattern that relationships come into my life after times when I've not been so busy, when I've had a lot of time to myself. I meet with my agent today to talk (hopefully) about where to prioritize my time on my acting career, where to put primary focus. I've thought about just making Thursday nights (<i>Back Stage</i> days) my work-on-my-acting-career time. Not sure how ideal that is, or how much I can either protect that time or delay things until that time. But it's worth exploring. ANYTHING to balance the work/me/love dynamic, so it's not all about work/me.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>The Great Race (Pain)</b>

One tendency I have at work, when I feel out of control because of my boss's incessant blizzard of inane emails trumpeting himself to his friends and his deluge of fear-based busywork when I have nothing to do for him, is to do everything as fast as I can.

I clip my speech. I type fast, not relaxed. I make sharp turns, measured movements. I tend to avoid eye contact. I do not connect with callers, with my co-worker, and certainly not with my boss.

These movements are hyper-controlled.

Why do I do it?

The speed is so that I can get the work done fast enough, so I can have time to myself. So I can have peace. So I can read the IRC, or do some internet research, reply to my pressing emails, or read a book. It's a race against the next wave of asininity to wash across my desk in the form of a "memo."

This controlling, I know, is unpleasant. It's a fight, though, because I feel powerless and out of control when I'm battered with things of no importance to me, when I have things in MY life to deal with that are important, to ME. The remedy, it seems, is to take control where I have no control.

It's ugly behavior when I do it at work. Not always am I this way. I think when I'm content with the amount of time I have for myself, this is not the case. And my guess is that when I have enough time for love, work is not an issue for me to go to. (I'm not so sure of that yet; it's just a hypothesis.)

"I don't want to work. I just want to bang on the drum all day."

"The boss is a jerk
And I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss's head."

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Spectrum, Draft 1</b>

Me -> Love -> Work -> [repeat]
(or Myself -> My Relationships -> My Obligations -> [repeat])

The softened spectrum from Me, to Love, to Work, back to Me, could be something like this:

Time with myself with no one around
Time with myself with a few people around but no connection
Time with myself with my lover in my company but no connection
Time with myself with my lover in my company with some connection
Time with my lover
Time with my lover and doing something
Time with my lover and doing something with my family
Time with my family
Time with my family and doing something
Time with my family and doing something with my friends
Time with my friends
Time with my friends and doing something
Time with my friends and doing something with good acquaintances
Time with good acquaintances
Time with good acquaintances doing something
Time with good acquaintances doing something with obligatory friends (like co-workers in whom you've no interest, business contacts, etc.)
Time with obligatory friends
Time with obligatory friends doing something
Time with obligatory friends doing something at work
Time on the phone with clients/co-workers
Time on the phone with clients/co-workers arranging logistics
Time meeting with clients/co-workers
Time filling obligations to clients/co-workers doing something with clients/co-workers
Time filling obligations to clients/co-workers doing something by myself
Time filling obligations to myself in my career (things to work way up)
Time filling obligations to myself in my family life (childcare, managing money, etc.)
Time filling obligations to myself in my life (personal chores, errands, etc.)
Time working out logistics for vacation time/days off
Time working on outside interests (sports, classes, etc.)
Time working on personal interests (spirituality, hobbies, etc.)
Time entertaining myself (reading, watching a movie, listening to music, thinking, writing, shopping, etc.)
Time for personal care (grooming, healthcare, exercise, sleep, etc.)
Time with myself with no one around
[repeat cycle]

This is just an estimate. That the Time spent with a loved one seems so small in comparison to family, friends, acquaintances, etc., is not accurate as this does not reflect (to me) the divvying of the time. The time spent with a lover, in my mind, would be much more than with friends, and in all likelihood much more time than with family (at maturity). Some of these steps may be skipped; some of these steps I may have treated with more scrutiny than necessary (thus imbalancing the seeming "preference" for one phase); there are probably infinite tiers to these all. The spectrum tries to show the sequential nature of preference in the cycle--that if there's unhappiness in a step, it may come from a step prior to it. Operative word is "may"; this spectrum is hypothetical right now, something to just get out of my head.

I mainly wanted to write this:

Time with myself with no one around
Time with my lover
Time with family
Time with friends
Time with acquaintances
Time at work
Time doing career
Time running errands
Time grooming and taking care of self
Time with myself with no one around

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Cf.</b>

http://enotalone.com/article/1093.html

If you've thought what I've written about in the last few entries has been interesting . . .

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Just Wondering</b>

I was really clingy to my mother when I was younger. I remember needing to be near her; I was afraid to be alone on my own in public places. When I was a child, it was a need to be grocery shopping with her, or just at her side when shopping in general. I felt embarrassment and terror when I was out on my own.

When I was in high school, it developed into something slightly different. I needed to go to the mall with her; I was afraid to go to the mall by myself. I thought I was "doing something" (posturing) if I was there by myself, "picking up chicks" (even if that was not my intention). I was terrified at the notion of seeing a girl at the mall who might like me; I was terrified at the notion of seeing a guy at the mall who might think I was a baby being there with my mom.

In therapy, we've touched a little on my caretaking tendencies, which I'm not totally convinced yet I have, but my therapist seems really interested in exploring.

My first girlfriend was my senior year of high school. I insisted with a passion that she was not my "girlfriend"--SHE WAS MY "FRIEND" AND YOU SHOULD CALL HER THAT. Even with my second girlfriend, I was so nastily insistent.

When it came to my third girlfriend (I had been away at college for 2 years), I wasn't as guarded--I've since relaxed.

But what just dawned on me, at least what I just started wondering about, was "Do I date people to please myself? Could I possibly date people to please my mom, and not myself?"

That's not COMPLETELY true that I would date people to please my mom, because I do date to please myself, but I <i>have</i> wanted to meet someone I'd be proud to bring home to my mom. I don't know why--it's like I want to give her a friend. (Our family is 3 men, 1 woman, and I sometimes think she's lonely.) (Oh my god, this is starting to seem significant. Do I really need a therapist??)

I called to talk to my mom last night about my feelings for my recent girlfriend, and her advice is the advice I want to hear of anyone's in the family.

But why do I want her advice?

Why don't I just act on the feelings I have, without her regard?

Welllllll, I mean, let's not undermine that I wanted guidance, but Why my mom's guidance? Could I be seeking her approval to be or not be with someone, as in finding the "right person" to bring home to my mom? Aimée feels like that person to me--it's odd that's one of the stronger feelings I've had about wanting to be back together, and something I said to my mom when I called her to say we'd just broken up--"I wished you could have met her."

My therapist has wondered Do I "caretake" my mom? It's been a puzzling question, to which I'd only been able to say that, Well, I hung around her a lot. My dad wasn't around much, so maybe as a young child I developed the role of being her male companion, in which case, that would seem pretty much like caretaking to me.

Is this deeply Oedipal? Jesus. I don't want to make love to my mom, but ...

In other news, here's my "Barriers to Intimacy" list:

Porn
Overwork

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Still More Wondering</b>

Attachment issues? Perhaps this is what I learned: Care for my mom in being her "partner." Her being the major female in my life for years as a child, I thus adjust to women in the way of being their "partner." What that entails is a desire to please them, make them happier, fill their need for a male companion by "being there." What suffers is that the relationship is malaligned--I relate with them to please them, rather than relating with them to please me. For my enjoyment. I perhaps feel an obligation to make the female feel better, I take on that obligation.

My clinginess as a child has importance, I'm sure. <b>What</b> is that importance, and how might it have affected my development?

I've read a little about attachment issues, and the situations and outcomes don't really parallel my life. There are some things that do, though:

On the outside, children with attachment disturbance often appear charming and self-sufficient*. Inside, they may teem with insecurity and self-hate. "I'm unlovable," the child thinks, and goes about behaving in a manner that reinforces that thought. These children have difficulty giving and receiving affection on their parents' terms. They can be overly demanding, clingy, and annoying with endless chatter.

One of the shocking feelings when I had my first kiss and told the girl that I loved her was the AMAZEMENT and pretty much the SURPRISE that anyone could love me. <b>That surprise feeling was initimately associated with my first feelings of love.</b> Is that evidence that I have trouble loving myself? What does it mean to love yourself?

Again, (I really want to know), what does it mean to love yourself? How will I know if and when I do? I just don't know whether I do. I don't go around hating myself, but maybe there is telltale behavior of the self-hater or the unloved self. Does suffering mean I don't love myself? Does denying myself certain things that will make me happy? Does avoiding people or playing around?

*I googled my therapist yesterday and found she has presented a paper on "self-sufficiency." Is that luck? Is that why she's interested in my potentially being caretaking?

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Okay, Let's Be Honest, I Don't Have A History Of Pleasing Myself</b>

I was an excellent student. I "played the game" in school. I was a great test-taker, but so what?, I didn't necessarily have the best retention of information. (I was good at retaining things with math, and I <i>was</i> a gifted student, but it was more at "being a good student" than "getting to be a more learned person for my own sake.")

I was an excellent student because I listened to what the "right thing" was to do. The "right thing" to do was to be the best student possible, so you look the best to get into college and get the best benefits. But the sad thing I discovered/realized upon graduation as valedictorian at my high school, <b>the best students weren't the ones getting all the scholarships</b>. That is, I was the best student, and because I was the best student, I wasn't reaping free-ride after free-ride. I reaped nary a free-ride, and don't think I got any extremely remarkable scholarship based on my grades (I got a great scholarship to my college, but that was talent-based, not grade-based).

Those who <i>did</i> get the scholarships and accolades were the ones who were well-connected. I moved into the school near the end of my freshman year of high school, making nary a friend in my pursuit to be the most awesome and amazing student. (Pleasing and wowing others.) (If I didn't please or wow others, my self-esteem dropped, or maybe I feared that subconsciously. Maybe that's normal?)

I never hit on girls because "they don't want to be bothered with male attention because they get hit on all the time." (I was in effect saying, "I'm not worthy of getting affection.") Instead, I would befriend girls--"playing the nice guy"--but would shy down from getting what I wanted, which was a kiss or a relationship or some kind of connection or special attention.

My acting career at times can feel like I'm trying to be the best marketer/promoter of my career, to "prove something" to anyone who should come along and say, "You're not doing this" or "You should be doing this." Hey, (when I'm busy working hard at marketing), I have insurance because I can say to such a critic, "But I do, do that!" That's more to please the other person than to please myself when that's the motive behind my doing it.

I failed at connecting with people because I was indoors doing lots of homework. I failed at connecting with people because I was indoors doing lots of homework, trying to please my teachers.

Not so much trying to please my parents, because they didn't seem to keep tabs on my schoolwork so much. I never asked them for help; I could do it on my own.

I would attend friends' shows in college or NYC, not because I wanted to, but because I felt that was the thing I needed to do. It was to please them. So I eventually could get what I wanted (them to see my show some rainy day in the future).

(I think I've spoken on a lot of this before.)

How does my not knowing how to meet my needs fit into all this? Do I try to love myself by getting love for me rather than just starting with, "I love myself, fuck 'em all!"?

I'm writing a lot because I have a lot on my mind (again). In these last three months, I think my mind was this active last when I was in high school or maybe early college.

*

I became more aware of how my way of studenting wasn't necessarily the "right way" when Aimée told me about how she was when she was in school. In Canada, she didn't have perfect attendance. She did what she wanted, she skipped lots of classes. And hell, she turned out pretty damn amazing. And hell, I've learned a damn much from her. And we think very much alike, even though our studenting was much different, and had I had no interest in her, I would have judged that she was a bad student thus "invalid" or "dumb" or something (never thought she was dumb, <i>ever!</i>).

I never realized when I was a student that there were things more important in life than being a student. The object was to be the best student I could be. Why? To get into college ...

Well, cavemen never had to get into college, so that pretty much refutes the organic nature of my childhood pursuits.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>And...</b>

When I'm forced to please myself and no one else, does that mean it's automatically threatening to me?

There are probably a few realms where pleasing myself is easy, but others in which pleasing myself is painful or hard.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Self-Worth</b>

I need to be able to say consistently "I am worthy of this thing I want" and "I am worthy to feel this and want it."

Feeling that I'm inadequate and thus need to be better is a race with no finish line that I run with satisfaction in some sense (for what I don't have to deal with by being ahead), but dissatisfaction in another sense (I don't stop racing).

"Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest [post] of all"

 

[benorbeen]

<b>This Time It's Personal
Or, A Duel to the End</b>

My anxiety returned yesterday. It may have been returning over the last few days, I'm not sure, but I had it in check a lot of yesterday.

I was committed even more to figuring out what the fuck it was.

What I had determined a month ago was that it was "my desire to control when control was not something that I really wanted/my desire to control at a time when I was vulnerable and needed to stay vulnerable."

I think I got it part-right.

However, I think it is much simpler.

Yesterday, I realized that the anxiety is simply the reaction of myself saying <b>"I'm scared."</b>

It's bleeding over into my family life, though--the anxiety. I'm feeling it here, too. (I'm in NC with my family.)

I'm rather afflicted. Something happened to me that has upset my balance. I'm wrestling with something. Therapy, I hope, will help strengthen me, and help me build a new foundation.

So, I determined it's that I'm reacting with an "I'm scared" response. I mean, anxiety in some sense is a "fight or flight" response. I started to think to myself, "Well, you're feeling anxiety... Why not flee right now??" As if there was somewhere to flee to. Well, there was: I was sulking in the anxiety trying to figure it out, when I could have thought to myself, You know what, I'm leaving this thought.

I'm not sure how I determined it was that I was scared. I think it was on the plane.

<b>But what is there to be scared of?</b>

I don't know!!! I don't know exactly why I have these seemingly random reactions of fear. It's probably a fear of intimacy of some sort, a fear of being close with someone. Oddly, I <i>want</i> to be close with someone; Sanely, I <i>want</i> to be free of having anxiety when I'm close to someone. That is, please don't yell at me or hate me or leave me for feeling this way. It's my body's saying, out of fear, "I want to be alone right now!!!!" but in response to what, the Bogeyman?

The thing is, there's no Bogeyman.

I am going to try combating the anxiety, the "I'm scared," with <b>"What is there to be scared of here, Ben??"</b> And I'll think I'll find that a) the person I'm scared of wants me around, b) the person I'm scared of will have no idea what there is to fear about that person, c) I can relax and be myself and not have to "do something" (like leave or distract myself) to get away from the fear response, d) it's actually very, very safe.

It <i>would</i> be nice to just be doing nothing in the company of another person I love. The look-up from a book to see another person who is interested in hearing what I just learned. And just letting me return to that book to find another thing interesting.

*

I'm improvising tonight in Chapel Hill! The first time onstage improvising since about September or October 2001.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Self-Esteem</b>

This may be (simply) what I've been looking for.

One thing my therapist noted somewhat offhandedly that stuck with me was how negatively I spoke of myself, how many negative things I'd talk about in therapy. I was, to myself, like, "Yeah, So??" because, Hey, I had a lot of negative feelings inside, negative feelings about myself.

The comment and my tendency to dwell on the more negative things in therapy has come back to me. These last few months, actually probably in some respect half this year, I've focused on how I'm such a "faulted" person, how I have "problems," how I feel at times "broken," how I feel "unworthy" at times, among other similar feelings.

The first time I fell in love, the revelation of my low self-esteem shot to the forefront without my even knowing. Up until that first kiss (which was after two kisses on my cheek that I ignored because ... well, guess!), I was just flabbergasted that anyone could love me. And be so insistent about it in pursuing me. Even after I dissed two obvious kisses as inadvertant and unknown liptocheek brushings.

You can't love someone until you love yourself.

What does that mean? I think it's like saying to myself, "Good job, Ben." "You did that really well, Ben."

Praise is a little reward. I can reward myself for my accomplishments. I went out to a nice, big sushi dinner after the marathon. I shot heroin for 4 days straight after getting straight A's.

(Joke.)

I watched <i>Happiness</i> at work today. It's another miserable Todd Solondz film--that is, another Todd Solondz on misery. There's something horribly captivating about his films. (I've only seen <i>Storytelling</i> outside of this film; <i>Welcome to the Dollhouse</i> is in my Netflix queue.) The films show people in their lowest points, sometimes "making it" in the face of their lows, and then slamming them with even more low points, sometimes ones that make you gutturally MOAN for their misery.

In watching <i>Happiness</i> today, I noticed how a man, who seemed to "have it all," slumped deeper and deeper into a hellhole of masturbating to teen cute-boy mags, child rape, despair, and family destruction. The man didn't seem all that bad to me, he seemed like a decent enough man, only, he was afflicted with impulses he couldn't understand. He was trying to understand, he was trying to reach out for help (oddly, I think he was a pscyhotherapist, who was even seeing a psychotherapist), yet nothing seemed to help. His wife, who seemed happy yet oblivious to it all, was rather normal, and not in my opinion portrayed as an idiot in her happiness.

Then there was the masturbating prank-call guy, who was so disempowered in life that he took to calling people in the phone book, telling them he'd pump them until cum came out of their ears, and then slamming the phone down. Sometimes he'd cum while doing this, other times he just seemed miserable.

The film showed some people, in essence, who were normal, but like me were having trouble connecting with people. They felt like horrible people, and despite their misery and sometimes their attempts to get better or seek help, they didn't get better.

I don't know where I pulled self-esteem from but I pulled it from somewhere and just told myself, "Ben, reward yourself with 'Good job, Ben' every once and awhile. You do good things. NOTE THEM. Do something good for yourself when you do something good, and when something goes not so well, well, you're still good, and maybe you won't feel so badly about yourself when these bad things happen."

What is a sign of low self esteem?

1. You think about yourself a lot and analyze why you are the way you are.
2. You are stressful and fearful of adversity. You may be alienated from and in opposition with parents, caregivers, and authority figures. in general.
3. You do not smile easily. You may have a negative, hopeless view of yourself, your family and society.
4. You are tired a lot. You may be unwilling or unable to set and achieve your goals.
5. You stay to yourself. You prefer being alone to meeting new people or being with others.
6. You keep people away. You have trouble making and keeping friends.
7. You avoid looking into the eyes of others. You have difficulty with genuine trust, intimacy, and affection.
8. You refuse to take risks. You are needy and may have a tendency to cling or to fake intimacy and affection.
9. You create negative effects. And in extreme cases you can be antisocial and perhaps violent.
10. Things others cannot observe include: You talk to yourself negatively, you do not tell the truth or keep your word, you do not forgive yourself or others. You may lack empathy, compassion and remorse.
Raising self-esteem takes changes in behavior. Behavior will change with practice and intention. Self-esteem is an achievement -- a process that empowers, energizes and motivates. It is not something that we have, but the experience of things that we do. Self-esteem is he experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness.

Is it possible to build one's self esteem?

Yes, it is, and here's how:

1. Be on time for everything. You show respect for others and they will trust you. Those who respect others do not cheat, deceive or steal and are trusted.
2. Be clean. Consistently groom your body, organize your space and donate to others. Nurture your body and your relationships and you will be confident.
3. Say only supportive things to yourself. Convert negative thoughts to think positively about yourself and others. You will be loyal.
4. Keep your conscience clean. Talk to someone you trust. To confess is to heal. Have courage to do the right things and you will build a good reputation.
5. Take responsibility for your actions and choices -- forgive yourself and others. Forgive and forget the incident and you will be tranquil.
6. Put your desires in writing. You must know what you want to have it. Clarity makes one powerful.
7. Be aware and appreciate the good in your life daily. This keeps you in the present and you will be gracious.
8. Share your knowledge with those who wish to know. Contribute and participate and you will be joyful.
9. Do what you love to do where you want to be. You will be happy.
10. Do what you say you will do, when you say you will do it, whether you feel like it or not. Keep your word and you will be reliable.
11. Tell your truth in the moment. Don't wait for the "right" time. You will be accountable for your choices.
12. Be calm and alone for at least 24 minutes daily (one minute for every hour of the day). Pray, meditate or experience nature and you will be peaceful.

What are the best measures or scales to use in assessing self-esteem?

1. You are generally not thinking about yourself and don't analyze yourself.
2. You feel good most of the time. When you feel bad, it doesn't last long. You are resilient in the face of diversity.
3. You smile a lot. You have positive belief systems.
4. You have lots of energy. You are able to see and accomplish most of your goals.
5. You are friendly. You enjoy meeting and being with others.
6. You draw people to you. You make long-term friendships.
7. You look others in the eye. You are trustworthy and able to be intimate and affectionate.
8. You take risks. You are independent and autonomous.
9. You have positive effects. You have behavioral and academic success in school.
10. Things others can't observe include: You talk to yourself positively, tell the truth, keep your word, are grateful to be alive, forgive yourself and others. You are empathetic, compassionate and you have a conscience.

So, we'll see.

When you're identifying with Dwight Yoakam's character in <i>Sling Blade</i>, you know there's something up with your self-image.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Oh, I Almost Forgot!</b>

The revelation of wondering whether it might be self-esteem was because I've been biting my bottom lip for about a week, and I've been destroying my cuticles.

I was thinking, If I'm destroying my body like this, I must not be liking myself and cultivating a culture of misery inside me.

And <i>Voila!</i>, self-esteem.