Bunched Panties: "You're Not Gonna Read It, So I Might As Well Say It"

[benorbeen]

<b>Acceptance</b>

I must learn how to be more accepting of differences, of others, of people.

Thought in my head goes this way in the last few minutes: The brain is like a field with sheep in it. Sheep are thoughts--sheep like to walk the same, stupid paths, and tend to follow the sheep just before it.

A mind works similarly ... Continued same thoughts carve passageways in the brain, making almost routine connections and associations governed by the rut carved in the brain. These thoughts have relationships with other thoughts, seemingly (by this metaphor) of a spatial kind. If a belief is changed, it interrupts the spatial relationship it has with other thoughts, leaving a part of the network of carved passageways "messed up" (for better or for worse). In some cases, the chain reaction is minute, in other cases, catastrophic. The sheep become discombobulated as they try to find their way in this new, unfamiliar landscape.

My inability to accept some things, or rather my capacity for acceptance, is rigidly related to other thoughts and beliefs I've carved over the years into my brain. And I am trying to break those passageways, those familiar ways of thinking, and make a much more supple, accepting brain. For a person stuck in his way is an ugly person to me (though that comment might be sign and signal of yet another stuck, unaccepting thought I have).

I have trouble saying, "I accept you, All of you, There is nothing you can throw at me that I will reject."

I have done it at times, but I want to, again, increase my potential, my capacity for acceptance. It don't think it has much to do with my own self-acceptance, though some might say "you can't accept others until you accept yourself" ... I'm not accepting myself right now, for my own good ... I'm rejecting part of myself, my badself, the self that gets in the way of my connecting with others.

It's no easy job. I am being patient with myself.

If you're reading this, you don't really need to. It's not very interesting, except maybe for parties with particular interest. I don't want to bore you--I'm not writing for your entertainment. It feels good to get some of this out.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Something Aimée Pointed Out</b>

This is not a person.

This is a person's priority.

A person's taste.

A habit, a preference, a way of doing things.

Where I get stuck is judging those ways of doiing things. Or no?

E.g., What was involved in my accepting her smoking?

First, I acknowledged that I had issues with it. Those issues were that it was unhealthy for me to be around, and it was gross to me. Those issues are with myself, not with the other person.

I felt to continue forward with the motion I wanted, I needed to find acceptance with that, probably not compromising what I felt (because that would lead to demoralizaton), but reaching an understanding about it with which I was okay.

I just said, "Okay." I wanted to be with her, and she didn't smoke packs upon packs that would be a real deterrent for me and affect my health, so I said, "Okay." "Okay." I do that with my roommate, too, who occasionally partakes, esp. during stressful times. I don't want smoking in the apartment, but as long as she closes the door, uses a window, basically keeps it private and unnoticeable in the apartment, I do not ultimately care. I actually feel some sympathy for her.

I am breaking or trying to break down standards I hold. Another one is Aimée's messiness and my cleanliness, a barrier I feel that for the most part, we can work with. She seems to think I have a bigger issue with it than what I let on--I don't have problem with it so much as it's manageable--like, you can be messy in my space, just keep it to this area/your space that I've set aside for you, if you would. That helps me accept, because it's not infringing upon me.

I guess I think way too much about myself, but I can't tell yet if it's too much All-About-Me. I'm leaving that for later, when I can make some breakthroughs and re-evaluate them with hindsight.

But back to the smoking: What helps me accept it? To what degree do I not accept it? I less accept it when it's a) done in rebellion to something I said or did, b) done destructively in reaction to something, rather than perhaps last-straw therpeutically, c) probably, but not in all cases, done in my presence.

Of course, among so many other important things, acceptance is achieved in balance.

It's like I want to open up my heart (which would be hinged in this image) and gobble up something I might take issue with, envelope that thing within my heart, then lock it back up again.

There are times when I'm less accepting and there are times when I am more accepting. I need to look into my outside relationships, too, to see when I am more accepting and less accepting.

Do I only accept those people or things which I can keep at a distance?

Interesting.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>The Opposite of Acceptance</b>

Obviously: Rejection. Am I conditioned to it? Is being rejected just common for me? My career pursuits involve a lot of rejection, and in some respect, sometimes I have no <i>expectation</i> in a situation, so there's neither care for rejection or acceptance. I just do.

Hamster!

What is involved in rejection is something very personal. If I let a person close, rejection has much more to it. It is more intense. If I just meet a person, it's not such a big deal, it may not even be rejection, it might just be taste or choice or going about my day, screening things.

Rejection in the personal sense is about what I choose to include close to me, and what I choose not to have close to me.

What do I want close to me? What do I <i>really</i> want close to me?

I want someone whom I accept fully. I think that's true. I want someone less so who entertains me, more so that makes me feel bright and happy in a deeper sense than just smiling. I suppose that is contentedness. I want to be able to accept fully, which it feels at least right now I have much more limited abilities than I allow myself.

===Knocking==down==heavy==cement==walls.====

Rejection is the practice of kicking someone out. Saying, "GO!" but on a visceral level. When it's visceral, I think it's likely a temporary feeling, one that is involved in the crossing of boundaries that make someone uncomfortable. With time, boundaries are softened to parties, relaxed, made more porous, accessible.

There is a more intellectual side to rejection as well, which I think I'm dealing with more, struggling with. There is fear involved with it, fearing that if I accept this or accept that, am I compromising myself? leading myself down a path to unhappiness? making the wrong choice to accept? lying to myself? Such fear takes time to understand and alleviate. Time, Time, Time, Time, Time. The word, to me, is having so much mysterious power. I am enamored by what Time will show. Part of me wants to be impatient and see the results, but that little eager kid is dead for now for the trouble he brought me in trying to "pin down" my future. Instead, for now, is a slower-going kid with a shy, curious eye who's looking to see what's in the other room.

Time, Time, Time, Time, Time.

Time, Time, Time, Time, Time.

I could probably make some beautiful art in a place as this is.

I'm not really good with imagery, but I've been talking a lot in images of late. They're helpful for me.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Tolerance/Acceptance/Appreciation</b>

The word "tolerance" is an interesting one, akin to "acceptance." It seems to mean "acceptance without appreciation." But moreover, it's a word I can look up on Amazon and Google to help me find more insight.

I don't just want to accept. I want to appreciate. Somehow, I think I can get to that step easier than acceptance, which makes no sense!

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Easier</b>

Tolerance is easier
Tolerance is what I'd want

II tthhiinnkk mmoosstt ooff wwhhaatt II''mm tthhiinnkkiinngg aabboouutt ttooddaayy iiss jjuusstt bbaasseedd iinn ffeeaarr,, ffeeaarr tthhaatt II wwiillll bbee iinnttoolleerraanntt oorr uunnaacceeppttiinng ooff ssoommeetthhiinngg uunnkknnoowwnn iinn tthhee ffuuttuurree.. MMuucchh lliikkee mmyy tteerriittoorryy ffeeaarrss ooff llaattee.

I think I'll stop posting in this journal for a bit, take a break, trying to chew this all.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>In Some Light, It's All Very Normal</b>
Understanding Is Everything!

A quote from a Robert Firestone lecture, I believe, quoted in <i>Fear of Intimacy</i>, by Robert W. Firestone & Joyce Catlett:

Psychotherapy has to help the person to recognize his pseudoindependence and his defiance and not act it out. If he acts it out, he cannot get better. If he manipulates and provokes other people and controls their behavior, he ends up merely reliving the past and he doesn't change and he doesn't give up his defenses. He has to learn to give up his defenses and honestly ask for what he wants and honestly take a chance. He has to sweat it out when things get close with other people, and he has to learn to suffer the pain of being loved and not provoke rejection--not get people to attack him and thus get him off the hook. When the relationship is good, when he thinks well of himself, he has got to sweat that out, like an addict who goes cold turkey. He has to take a chance and not damage the relationship. He can feel like damaging it and he can share that he feels like damaging it, but he must not do it. If he does, he ends up back where he started--there's no growth. If he sweats it out, then he does grow.

One interesting take on defense mechanisms the authors have is that <i>they</i> are the "illness," rather than guarding some kind of illness. The removal of such defenses makes a person more straightforward and truthful/honest.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Exploring Anxiety</b>

My biggest theme of late is exploring intermittent anxiety that I feel. I made a discovery of late that my anxiety is related to control.

I notice that my anxiety <b>felt</b> like a grabbing sensation across my chest, like two ghost-white, bony arms suddenly digging into my pecs and restraining me from forward movement.

I translated that sensation to something inside me stopping me from forward movement.

There are lots of ways I'm sure to analyze that. One way I've considered is that there's a child sub-personality inside me that gets afraid when it's forced to grow out of its comfort zone. Its response to growth is to pitch a fit and fight to maintain itself in its current state. The problem is, if I succumb to that current state, I can't grow in a way I want to grow.

I have noticed that when I'm invaded with the sudden, abstract feelings of anxiety, if I see the attack as wanting control over something I naturally have little control over (whatever it is I'm thinking, which is sometimes hard to isolate), ... I ease! That was key: That it's control I want over something I have no control over.

Ultimately, I don't like control, I don't like controlling people, and I recognize the power behind relinquishing control--it's a lesson I learned years and years ago. However, I have residual traces of it in my system, likely hardened by my not having many sincerely close relationships in my life and thus "dreaming" about the perfect-someone, that ideal-who-doesn't-exist, that 2D fantasy.

Sometimes I think such is the conflict between the reality of my relationships and the fantasy I've dreamt up--it's an anxious reaction when I'm suddenly testing what I thought I liked or was holding out for or am not expecting. I'm pushed to deal with the 3D when that wasn't part of my imagining.

One barrier to intimacy I learned the night of October 25th I took care of, and it has been such a great change for my life. I never knew the ramifications of it at all. It just kinda dawned on me. And thus anxiety on that front has been eradicated. Thankfully.

I'm working on it, dear reader, I'm working on it. I still make little breakthroughs everyday, because I'm working on myself everyday.

I'm losing focus writing this... Topic: Anxiety.

Anxiety is related to fear. There is the fear of inadequacy that is really mucking me up of late, perhaps one of those deep-rooted feelings. I fear I am incapable of loving, so questions that really rattle me are "Do you <i>really</i> love me?" or "Is that how you <i>really</i> feel?" I get defensive inside, sometimes outside, when I'm posed those questions. I fear that I am incapable of that love I want to have for someone. I tend to think that it takes more time to mature than what I've tricked myself into believing with infatuation or sudden outpouring of love, and that sentiment is reflected in the first love I ever had (I took my time). I'm not exactly sure why it takes me time, but there's a good chance it's because I keep to myself or keep distant from people, so I live in a judgmental dreamworld of sorts instead of interacting more often and more closely with real, live, in the flesh, human beings.

But the roots of having anxious reactions I really want to explore with a professional. I want to figure out where it comes from in my past, as I think the answer for it lies in there. I'm not sure if it comes from such a horrible rejection from my first love, or something much earlier in my past.

Aimée pointed out my nice-guy complex, and there's too much truth to it. My playing nice causes a lot of problems for me, and up until last month, it was only building more and more. I don't know if it's perfectionism I suffer with (I see how I could be much more perfectionistic but choose not too--I identified my tendencies in high school and dropped them), but I do try and try and try to do things better than either a) my previous self, or b) other people. Not totally so, but in relationships and in my acting career and in other pursuits, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm learning how to be more human.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Addendum to "Exploring Anxiety"</b>

One thing I think I need to achieve at times when I'm feeling anxious is comfort. Of late, I've tended to dive right into the pain of anxiety rather than just allowing or asking for comfort. Seeking comfort <i>can</i> be a block from working through the issues surrounding anxiety, but it also in moderation can be a nice rest from the grueling aspect of anxiety. I don't know why it took me until this hour to think that comfort is okay and something also to pursue when feeling anxious.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Leadership</b>

Why the current system is fucked is that the leadership is fucked in the head.

I'm not talking about United States politics.

The current leader of it is a horrible person. To get anywhere in this world, people have to pander to this horrible person. Those who befriend this horrible person--likely, other horrible people--reap the rewards.

By "horrible person," I mean, really, someone who does things that are horrible to other people.

A system develops of trying to please the leader, kautauing to the leader, disregarding the group for the interest of the individual, or the group that has all the same horrible interests in mind. The leader holds the privilege, the others do not.

Selfishness has infected this community.

Tiers of relation develop. People are in, out, archived, established, deified, shunned, discredited, shot down, exalted, and ultimately made to think that their worth is dependent on the opinions of others.

The horrible person at the top is not subscribing to a primary tenet of Support.

This is the distinction one easily recognizes in two other, different communities. That the one I'm speaking of lacks support; the other two seem to radiate it.

The opposite of support is chaos. That is, chaos breeds everyone looking out for him- or herself. With support in place, people realize that they have others looking out for them should one go weak, and others who will cheer if another should grow strong.

People do some damn unsupportive things in this community. It's fucking up the community. Until there is a new leader, a person who understands what it means to practice support in interpersonal relations, the community will continue to eat itself and kill itself. The intimacy will die, as it has been doing. People will seek out other places for intimacy, as they have. And that will piss off the leader.

(This is not about the IRC, by the way.)

:love:

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Hurt!</b>

You're hurt!

So now, you know you're hurt, what to do?, what to do??

First thing to do is recognize it, so good job in already uttering "I'm hurt!"

If you don't recognize it, chances are you feel sucky right now! You feel indifferent, removed, distant, unconnected, and overall depressed and you don't know why. Chances are, when you were hurt, you got angry, and you internalized it rather than addressing it, and then the being-angry led to your indifference, removal, distance, disconnection, and depression.

Once the despair of feeling indifferent took over, you needed to cry out. You needed to find those people closest to you, and you needed to listen to their insights and tell what you're feeling (or not feeling!). You deep-down want to get better, and you want to hear about when this will pass, when you will get better, that this is human, and that others have had the same thing happen to them.

Sure, you say you want love and support! THAT's why you want love and support, so you can get better!!

So you're hurt. But you didn't know it, because you didn't feel anything and you were indifferent to it all. When you figured out that you didn't feel anything because you were aaNNggRRyy, you made a breakthough. "I'm angry! (Eureka!)" That anger was symptomatic of your feelings of hurt.

Who hurt you? Make a list now of what has hurt you. Put them in one column.

Once you list those things that hurt you, write another column titled "Angry" and then put the appropriate amount of checkmarks next to the items of hurt to reflect the degree to which they make you angry.

In a third column now, ask yourself, "What would make me happy now?" And then, write what would resolve the issue for you and make you happy. Would it be hearing an apology? Would it be hearing a thank-you? Would it be spending more time with that person? less time with that person? Would it be creating distance? Would it be moving closer?

You now have a concise, concrete, itemized list of your hurts, complete with prioritization and what to do to heal them.

Do you even have control over the situation? That's a good question to ask too. If you're angry at something over which you have no control, you are wasting your energy. You might desire control, but no matter how much you try to have control over something you have no control over, you will fail. And when you fail, you get hurt, and when you get hurt, you get angry, and when you get angry and you don't address that anger, ... well, you spiral back down into the pit of depression.

You might say this makes no sense, I can't understand, I don't get it, or you might give some other reaction dismissing this. However, humans share and feel very similarly. And in all likelihood, you are more similar to me and your situation is more similar to mine than you may lead yourself to believe.

You want to get better. You may want people closer to you, and you can do that. You first have to heal the hurt inside you, and once you do, friends will flow to you like falls of water.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>More Joy, Less Shame</b>
Trying to get a grip on this anxiety I am feeling

Granted, I'm feeling anxiety less and less, but I have the occasional, short-lived pang.

And it seems less and less about my relationship, and more and more about something more general.

I was on the subway a couple days ago, listening to the TMBG song "AKA Driver," a song I have liked for a long time.

When it started, my liking spiked! For a moment. Then, I felt that before-described "two ghost-white, bony arms suddenly digging into my pecs and restraining me from forward movement" feeling. Just as suddenly.

It was as if I was holding myself back from liking the song.

I can't tell if it's Guilt for being happy or excited, or Shame for being happy or excited, but I feel it's <i>something</i> in the way.

I lately have wondered how such Guilt or Shame trickles down into my behavior. I think it's impacted my sexuality, my drinking habits, my dating habits, and my socializing. I think it affects whether I buy that popular CD everyone's listening to (I don't buy it because I don't want to "give in" to what everyone else likes). I tend to try to go against the grain of culture in significant ways.

Aimée nailed it when she said it seemed as if I'm letting go of late. I'm laughing more deeply. I'm connecting more easily with people. I'm doing this without even realizing that I'm doing it, I just am "being."

I told Aimée a few days ago that I'm open to the idea of partaking in red wine with her intimately. Until then, I was a teetotaler. Admittedly, I'm not all that excited about drinking wine, but I have restricted myself from it in spite of wanting to relax and enjoy something with someone close. What is a margarita and why did her loving that one at Mary Ann's make me want to try? Why not give over to the urge, rather than hold back?

Ghost-White, Bony Arms.

So, I want to look into <i>why</i> I hold back my joy. Why do I have difficulty giving in or letting go, releasing and relaxing. I have built an identity on <u>not</u> doing things, when ultimately identity is not defined by what you do or don't do. Is it defined by what you want, which my acting training seems to describe (Motive --> Character)?

I've felt a strange hum inside me the last few days. Aimée noticed it over the phone even. I feel more centered, calm. I am less a Nice Guy. Not that I'm not nice, but I'm less a manipulative, controlling Nice-Guy bastard. It seems to be a combination of things, but my feeling centered basically has slipped into my body without my knowing exactly why. While it can't last forever, for sure, I hope it sustains for a very, very long time.

It feels nice.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>BINGO</b>

There was a farmer who had a dog
And "Fear of Letting Go" was his name-o

Fear-of-Let-ting-Go
Fear-of-Let-ting-Go
Fear-of-Let-ting-Go

And "Fear of Letting Go" was his name-o

from Amazon.com on <u>The Little Book of Letting Go</u>:

"There are only three things you need to let go of," [Hugh] Prather says, "judging, controlling, and being right. Release these three and you will have the whole mind and twinkly heart of a child."

Aimée, I can't help but think you're really right for me. I don't mean that gooshy at all.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Understanding the Other Anxiety</b>

I got mad last night (angry), and what was interesting about it this morning in hindsight is that I now have a much better idea of another kind of anxiety that I hadn't isolated.

There's an anxiety that builds when I get angry, from being hurt. It is very painful and stalwart, rather hard to melt into immediate forgiveness. Recognizing it, plus forgiveness, is what it takes to help ease it.

It will likely dissipate and I will likely forget, it just takes time. However, I want to be able to deal with anger expediently.

Note that the anger is <u>not you</u>, or necessarily about you. It may have been some way you hurt me, and that's worth considering in your actions, how you might hurt. But the anger and my subsequent emotional process is about me--rather, inside me--and I have to work through that on my own. I'm not sure what that needs--just an attitude shift? some distance? time? more arguing*? the full evolution of an emotional process?

What did I say above in "I'm Hurt!"? (I'm learning from my own writing!) I said write it down, put checkmarks next to it to signify the amount of anger, then write down what would make you happy to resolve the hurt. Then, pursue that. Being able to quantify it with words helps make the anger less vague and more real. That is, it's out of your head and you can gain better perspective, plus have more time for other thoughts now that it's not constantly churning there.



* I don't think that's it. Maybe sometimes, but such turn circular, no?, and are exhausting.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>eP=G, Revisited</b>

I've been teasing in my head more interpretations of the formula eP=G, which I developed to better coach the notion of Game in improv.

To recap, eP=G is:

exacerbation of a Problem equals Game

That is, when you worsen a character's problems in a scene, you are essentially playing a game. The more you exacerbate a problem, the more you are heightening the game.

I've thought about changing the wording of "Problem," which to me is pretty specific yet pretty general at the same time, and it may have not-as-great communicative power as other expressions of Problem.

I've thought about Problem simply being a character's Issues ... Issues are things like "I hate it when people bump into me," "I am deathly afraid of spiders," "I love quiet music," "I'm sick and tired of you kids destroying things," etc. They are in some sense "rules" by which people live, ways they define themselves and their identities.

Identity for a lot of people is determined by what they do and by what they don't do.

When you challenge a character's identity, so is my current thought, you have created Game. So, pushing people's Issues, or maybe better put, "pushing people's Buttons," equals Game.

It's still exacerbation of a Problem, just with different wording.

Another way I've thought about putting eP=G is to say Find out what bugs a character, then KEEP BUGGING THEM ABOUT IT!! Therein lies Game. Simply another way of seeing exacerbation of Problem, or pushing people's Buttons and Issues.

E.g., Someone loves quiet music? BLAST YOUR BOOMBOX. Someone hates being bumped into? PUT HIM AT THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS. Someone is deathly afraid of spiders? SHE FINDS HERSELF STUCK TO HER CHAIR WITH GUM, IN THE WRONG MOVIE THEATER, WHERE ARACHNOPHOBIA IS TRIPLE-BILLED WITH SPIDER-MAN AND SPIDER-MAN 2.

See what happens.

If you're the exacerbater, you also have issues, problems, buttons, etc. They will become known if they aren't known first. And the other person in the scene can go after your issues, problems, buttons, and bug the hell out of you, too. It's not a one-way street.

The full Game is when all appropriate Problematic elements are being exacerbated. There can be Games inside the bigger Game.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>So, What Are You Working on, Ben Hauck, Ben Hauck?</b>

Here's a sketch:

Influential books of late: <i>No More Mr. Nice Guy</i> by Dr. Robert Glover, <i>The Art of Happiness</i> by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler.

Priorities:
1. Make my needs a priority in my life.
2. What I am pursuing ultimately is my happiness.

Happiness is different than pleasure. Pleasure is great and all, but fleeting--happiness is something that lasts. I'm working inside myself to assure that I am pursuing happiness in my life and in my relationship.

This relationship I think has a lot of potential for forever-success. I want it to work, and I want to work with it.

I accept that a trait of mine is that I enjoy time to myself, despite my tendency to stay away from people and stay to myself. I am more actively recognizing when my wanting personal space and personal time is need-based vs. fear-based.

I need my loved one to realize that because I need personal space, it does not mean I am rejecting her. That is not an easy task, nor is it all within my ability to convince. Ultimately, I need to stick with what I feel is right for me and assert my needs.

Control is an ugly thing in relationships. Taking control is different than wanting to control. Taking control is like, "I'll buy the tickets," "I'll drive us there," "I'll figure out this mess." Wanting to control is "I want you to be a different person," "I want you to live this way, not this way," "I want you to take my advice." Wanting to control is the uglier. I want to relinquish wanting to control, and I want to let go, esp. in my relationship. Therein lies happiness.

Compassion for others may be a ticket to feeling closer to other people. By "compassion," I mean recognizing we all are alike in that we are all human beings.

I have finally been able to isolate two breeds of my anxiety. I have noticed anxiety arises when I am

• Not recognizing my needs and wants
• Wanting to control

At these times, I feel those Ghost-White, Bony Arms grip across my chest. These last few weeks, the sensation has not been nearly as strong or as scary as in October. I feel the anxiety is understandable and traceable.

Anxiety often comes from guilt about something I may experience. The guilt may be the intermediary step between the ignoring my needs/wanting to control step and the feeling of anxiety step.

Depression is the result of anger and frustration. It usually results only when that anger and frustration has not been addressed. It may be the result of not taking control in a situation, and resolving to powerlessness.

I have been making a lot of breakthroughs and changes and I am proud of those changes in myself. My roommate is excited for me as well.

I do not want to seek the approval of others. I want to seek my own personal satisfaction.

I do not always want to explain what changes I have been going through. If I want to talk about them with precision, I will when I want to, and with appropriate people.

I need a new Mission Statement (which is detailed earlier in this journal), something that likely incorporates happiness and satisfying my own needs, rather than "garnering and maintaining Respect," which was noble in intention but ultimately evidence that I care more about what other people think about me than what I think about myself. Or rather, feel about myself.

I have issues with my father that need exploration. Primarily, I feel he was not in my life much as a child because of working long hours, and I wanted him in my life more. What happened somewhat as a result was a lot of difficulty in relating to (particularly straight) men.

I need to go out with men more exclusively, and be very careful about the dynamic of having basically only female friends. The result of going out with men more often is unknown to me, but it might help me seek less the approval of women--a strong strain inside me, I have come to understand.

At times I need reinforcement that I am okay just as I am and I am a man, and I need positive male role models.

I fit the Nice Guy profile nearly to a T.

I am doing a lot about it.

I have learned how I shortchange my getting what I want, and how I manipulate, etc., to get what I want.

I have a session this week.

I may be not-nice for a while, for a long time, forever. That does not mean I lack kindness. That does not mean I will always be cruel. It means I am learning how to stand up for myself. That may hurt you, but you will need to understand that a) yes, I understand that may hurt you, b) I am working on overcoming shortfalls in my personality which may make me awkward to you, c) things take time to stabilize and work out. And d) you may like me or love me more, as I try to live to a much fuller potential.

If you criticize self-help books, you are missing the point. I feel I am learning a vocabulary for understanding and talking about what I am feeling, and also feeling less like a case. While the books are not necessarily good at prescribing methods for recovery, the books do serve as a starting place for recovery. Without them right now, I don't know where I would be. They have not cured me, but such was not my expectation. I was hoping to learn, and learning I have done.

It will continue.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Improv Notes</b>

Had <a href="http://devilsdancebelt.benhauck.com">Devil's Dancebelt</a> rehearsal today and it was out of this world!

I joined the group in improvising scenes! I usually don't do this unless I have the urge or I think I may be able to teach something by joining. But I was frustrated as much as the group seemed to be with the first part of rehearsal, so I just did it, and lo and behold, a breakthrough awaited me.

The first half of rehearsal was spent considering the <i>opposite</i> ramifications of eP=G ... that is, instead of exacerbating problems in scenes, what would happen if we just solved the problems immediately as they came up?

My hypothesis was that we'd get shorter scenes (because the game would be ended before it could start), or essentially solving a problem would be the game. Neither of my hypotheses were exactly correct.

What happened was not really anything different than their other scenes. At first, I thought one scene was a good example of what I was aiming for in having them "solve" their problems--it made for a seemingly different dynamic that looked "interesting." However, when I asked the two people to now redo the scene, only this time exacerbating the problem, the scene turned into a vicious argument unlike any denial/argument I'd ever seen. Which was surprising and a little disconcerting.

We talked a little about the approach by solving, and it seemed that the group was getting caught up in understanding what it meant to solve vs. exacerbate. They seemed to naturally exacerbate problems in scenes when I wanted them to solve those problems!

We eventually took a break, when I then joined them for hot seat (a montage of scenes with one person in a battery of scenes). I had just before break been touching on my new little pithy reminder to the improviser:

What does this person want? WHEN do I give it to him?​

:when I took my own advice and approached my scene with simple wants ... "I want to keep this person in the commode next to mine for company" ... "No, I <i>want</i> to be a samurai despite my apparent incompetency" ... "I'm dead, just let me be like this!" Suddenly, the scenes were hella fun! The group agreed, the scenes were fun, they just didn't know why ... I attributed my personal excellence (like, the best long-form I think I've ever done at one time) to simply having something I want in a scene, and GOING AFTER IT. Of course you must listen to what the other person has to say, but if you're strong enough in your want, those things are but midget hurdles in the steamroll progression of your character toward his want.

So

I am curious if we'll/I'll be able to tap into this energy next time. Was it a fluke that I had so much fun today at rehearsal? Was it a fluke that the scenework was so entertaining and enjoyable? I didn't want it to stop, it was going so well--even the scenes that lacked some focus. A lot of things were clicking today, and I can't wait until next time.

NOTE: Yes, I feel. I tend to write rather maticulously. But, yes, underneath all this thought and rationale and figuring out, there is a feeling person. And maybe not underneath (which is but a metaphor of placement), maybe at the surface, it's there. But it's very much there. And what the hell should I do when I'm in emotional turmoil--that is, should I <i>NOT</i> try to figure it out? Are you saying I should live in the turmoil? Is figuring out thereby rationalizing, thereby not-feeling? Essentially, when it comes down to it, you are getting a screened version of me. Some of your assertions may be apropos, but a lot are not always the case if you have not met me and interacted with me on a regular basis. I'm proud of what I've been able to unravel about myself--it's hurtful and maddening to shoot it down like that, as if I'm a "hopeless case" and "look out, loved ones." You may not think this, but be forewarned: It Could Happen To You. I will likely have a helluva lotta sympathy/empathy for your situation, more than before all this happened to me. And I don't like explaining everything I'm going through all the time. Enough.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Oooooooo... Ya Think Someday?</b>

http://lib.allconet.org/jfk/

 

[benorbeen]

<b>The Strategy of Conflict</b>
by Thomas C. Schelling

I started reading this for game-theory reasons. A co-worker lent me the book when I inquired whether he knew any game theory. I'm interested in what game theory can offer to teaching and doing long-form improvisation.

The book seems a little dense, but there are passages here and there that really jump out at me. My co-worker said it was a very important book during the Cold War or something; it was published in 1960. The back cover has the question (posed in the chapter, "An Essay on Bargaining") "When two dynamite trucks meet on a road wide enough for one, who backs up?"

*

To pull from something I already posted in the Improvisation Forum on this site,

Pure conflict, in which the interests of two antagonists are completely opposed, is a special case; it would arise in a war of complete extermination, otherwise not even in war. For this reason, "winning" in a conflict does not have a strictly competitive meaning; it is not winning relative to one's adversary. It means gaining relative to one's own value system; and this may be done by bargaining, by mutual accommodation, and by the avoidance of mutually damaging behavior. If war to the finish has become inevitable, there is nothing left but pure conflict; but if there is any possibility of avoiding a mutually damaging war, of conducting warfare in a way that minimizes damage, or of coercing an adversary by threatening war rather than waging it, the possibility of mutual accommodation is as important and dramatic as the element of conflict. [...]

In the terminology of game theory, most interesting international conflicts are not "constant-sum games" but "variable-sum games": the sum of the gains of the participants involved is not fixed so that more for one inexorably means less for the other. There is a common interest in reaching outcomes that are mutually advantageous.

He goes on to say, "Viewing conflict behavior as a bargaining process is useful in keeping us from becoming exclusively preoccupied either with the conflict or with the common interest."

What struck me was seeing conflict in a scene as <b>bargaining</b>. I did what felt like some really great scenework earlier in the week, and when it was on, that's what it felt as if I was doing--negotiating through a scene with my partner. We were incrementally "agreeing" about the circumstances of a scene, eventually throwing wrenches at each other to throw off our characters, only to eventually bargain and then move on. We each wanted things in our scenes, and we could not fully block the wants else the scenes would stop, yet would could not fully allow the wants else the scenes would be undramatic. We "bargained" by giving and taking little bits of each other's and our own wants.

I just read something else that may seem stupid and simple, but put in these words, it was really exciting and magical to me:

How does one person make another believe something? The answer depends importantly on the factual question, "Is it true?" It is easier to prove the truth of something that is true than of something false. To prove the truth about our health we can call on a reputable doctor; to prove the truth about our costs or income we may let the person look at books that have been audited by a reputable firm or the Bureau of Internal Revenue. But to persuade him of something false we may have no such convincing evidence.

When one wishes to persuade someone that he would not pay more than $16,000 for a house that is really worth $20,000 to him [Note: Ahem, in 1960...], what can he do to take advantage of the usually superior credibility of the truth over a false assertion? Answer: make it true. How can a buyer make it true? If he likes the house because it is near his business, he might move his business, persuading the seller that the house is really now worth only $16,000 to him. This would be unprofitable; he is no better off than if he had paid the higher price.

Why is this passage exciting to me? It's because it sounds like a great scene in long-form ("bring in the reputable doctor"; "move the business closer"). It sounds like the role of backline support, and supporting choices in general. It's the definition of endowing. The question in improv is "How can I make this true?"

You're told to play honestly, and then you see someone make a crazy choice, something wild and bonkers and seemingly not-honest, but it gets raves and cheers and applause and laughter, and you find yourself saying to yourself, "See, <i>that</i> craziness was <u>justified</u>, that's why it works." You aren't able to pull off the same craziness in your own scenework ... and my suspicion is that it's not "justified" in the scene, that's why.

But what's "justified" exactly, and how does this "justification" unfold? I think it is justified in that it is <b>made true</b>. Someone's crazy move, made true in a scene through support, makes something work. The backline comes in and adds a tidbit of info, or you add a tidbit of info, or the other person adds a tidbit of info, thereby establishing and justifying a characteristic or trait or whatever--an unjustified tidbit. Thus, (ideally), no information is wasted in a scene because it is all justified, and thus is all true!

 

[benorbeen]

<b>Self-Talk</b>

This will totally piss you off!

These passages are from <i>Discipline without Shouting or Spanking</i> by Jerry Wyckoff, Ph.D. and Barbara C. Unell.

The Role of Self-Talk

We encourage parents to use what we call self-talk to help them avoid falling into the habit of saying irrational things to themselves. Self-talk is best defined as what people say to themselves that governs their behavior. For example, if a parent says, "I can't stand it when my child whines!" then the parent's level of tolerance for the whining will be greatly diminished. However, if that parent says, "I don't like it when my child whines, but I can survive it," then not only will that parent be able to tolerate the whining longer, he or she will also be more likely to plan effective ways of changing the behavior.

Self-talk should be used to set ourselves up for success rather than failure. What we say to ourselves constitutes the most important messages we receive, so self-talk is a great tool for parents of preschoolers. If parents can calm themselves in times of stress by using helpful self-talk, then they will be more likely to follow through with reasonable and responsible actions.

Actually, that probably didn't piss you off.

I loved the advice. I saw value in it, and I actually employed it in waiting for a big audition. To quell my nerves, I said to myself, "I may be nervous, but I can still have fun." I was able to have fun!

The advice doesn't have to be for parents as it can be employed in just living life. What I see its doing is this: Self-talk helps a person acknowledge a negative feeling, while giving permission to feel or do something that may seemingly contrast or contradict the negative feeling. Self-talk allows the simultaneous presence of emotions that may seem to conflict if present at the same time, with more likely the negative emotion prevailing.

That's all.

 

[benorbeen]

<b>I Am Not As Protected As I Used To Be</b>

The issue regarding my most recent relationship, when it came down to it, was that I could not get the space I needed.

That was nearly the same issue of the relationship before it.

Those two relationships, as well as a major crush I had had while in NYC, shared a feature that was not a feature in my first three relationships.

*

Back then, I had protections that I do not have today. Back then, there was no such thing as email, or at least back then, I was not as much a slave to it as I am now.

Back then, time spent together was negotiated over the phone. Back then, long distance rates were a factor, and a limiter to conversation. Back then, correspondence was limited to pen and paper when far apart, with days separating the receipt of each letter.

Since I've moved to NYC, I've become wired to the world. The advantage to that is that I have nearly everyone at my fingertips. The disadvantage is the same thing. And I have developed a hard habit to break in being on-call and available at a moment's notice, through my fast replying and my fast return calls.

I have ePrompter to tell me every minute when I have new email, alerting me with an icon in my system tray when I have a new message, and giving a little noise, too, so I can be notified while in another room. I have a voicemail service that has been upgraded to a pager, so that when I get a message on my service, I get an email sent to my email account as well as my cell phone (in case one is slower in notifying me). As for the cell phone, yes, I have that too, yet I've been much more cautious with it, as I refuse to give the number out except under certain circumstances--I have my number blocked from caller ID for added insurance.

I post on the IRC a lot, or visit it a lot, where there is an online conversation or 60 going on all the time. I visit it, my email, and Yahoo! for breaking news in a circle pretty much.

My computer has DSL and I've configured my computer to log onto the internet as soon as it boots up. I check my email nearly first thing in the morning. I sometimes set priority in my life in any given moment to hearing what message has just come into my service, and responding.

I noticed with the relationship before my recent one the guilt I'd feel when I couldn't reply back ASAP to my girlfriend. The guilt came from expectations inside myself to (a jumble of something like this) make her the priority, always reply immediately, keep up the pace for ~FEAR~ of her thinking something was wrong or she did or said something wrong, etc. I eventually recognized this pressure I put on myself, but it left an imbalance inside me after readjusting. If I was replying immediately and I wasn't busy, I was fine; If I was replying immediately and I was busy, I was "keeping up a facade" but building resentment; If I wasn't replying immediately and I was busy, I was perfectly healthy; If I wasn't replying immediately and I wasn't busy, "SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME." I couldn't reconcile the last thing--the perfectly healthy inclination not to reply to all emails, to any emails, and instead, just let them be less of a priority in my life.

For the most part, with my recent relationship, I had reconciled that issue--at least insofar as I didn't pressure myself to reply. She didn't reply to all my emails at the beginning, nor did I to hers, and I took my time. Sometimes, I never replied, and simply because I didn't feel like it, and it didn't, I thought, really matter whether I did. It wasn't out of meanness, it was just freedom I afforded myself, which to me felt like a good step.

*

These NYC relationships had what my first three relationships didn't have in that these NYC relationships had communications technology interwoven in them. And communications technology has shown to be a threat to my way of life.

Back then, I had time to work on my projects, my schoolwork, my yardwork, all these things, because I wasn't wired to the other person, easily accessible at a moment's notice. Back then, long distance charges served a buffer, the postal service speed served a buffer, 45-minute drives to see each other served a buffer. It wasn't always that I didn't want to see the person or I rejoiced about the distance, but I was able to have protection in a way that communications technology no longer lets me.

You can see I'm online because I elect to show that I'm on the IRC. You can usually see I'm online when I use my instant messaging software because I rarely go invisible. You can then tell when I'm at home. I have a webcam at my computer that is tied in with the instant messaging software, to show you what I look like and almost every little expression. If you page me, I will likely get the message a minute or less later. If you call my cell phone, you are essentially reaching me where I'd never been accessible back then. You can send me an email when I can't talk to you, you can buy a calling card and talk to me affordably over long distances.

I am no longer unreachable some of the time but instead highly reachable a lot of the time. Instead of expecting to wait for a return call maybe tomorrow, you can usually expect a return call from me in minutes.

And it's killing me.

Essentially, how I've behaved with communications technology and auctioned off my private time has threatened my way of life. Essentially, it erodes my boundaries, making it seem less intrusive than it really can be when jumping into my life.

I say it's my behavior because I don't have to check email every minute, but I choose to, and thus I've created a habit which has led to a personal expectation and somewhat of an addiction, and also a certain "guarantee" that I'll get back and likely soon.

Sometimes, I do not want to be reached. Sometimes, I just can't handle being reached. And it is getting harder and harder to protect that.

*

What I have to do is again learn and relearn how to resist the temptation to communicate when I don't want to communicate.

That means understanding that ePrompter feeds my feelings of violation, because just because someone emails me, a) I do not have to reply immediately, and b) I do not have to have read it immediately.

That means that having my DSL connected all the time feeds my addiction to check for correspondence, or change on the message board, and violates my boundaries when I don't want anyone contacting me.

That means stop trying to please by replying immediately to emails or returning calls.

That means reducing the priority of email communication in my life. Part of that step is weening myself from email, and checking it at different times of the day rather than essentially every minute with ePrompter.

That means outlining that I have issues with letting people cross my boundaries, or rather protecting my boundaries, and being more proactive about protecting them.

*

I am a busy person. I am working a job, maintaining a career, trying to make ends meet, trying to get ahead, trying to stay healthy, and trying to keep my sanity. I am also searching for intimacy. And I am not easy to love for that very reason--that I am busy and that I have little time. I hope to find someone who can give me the respect for boundaries I need, and if it proves I'm not deserving of that kind of person because of my busyness, I will probably remain very, very sad.