Broken Hearts are for Assholes

A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#1
#1
Stinky Finger in Your Asshole!

Or so they say...

How does one explain their fascination with all things toilet? I'm not sure when I became a full fledged fecalphaliac, but I'd venture to say maybe it was when I was a mere lass in diapers. Grunting in the corner, pushing out that little baby-log-in-my-pants with that satisfying grin on my face. Ah yes, sweet relief.

Now, in my adult years, fecal jokes, toilet humor, and potty talk has been somewhat of an ongoing joke. The facts are, if you can't laugh at poopyhumor, then likely you won't want to hang around me. I've even gone as far as to register URL's with poop themes in them. Why? Maybe because I wanted an email address like track_marks@buttwipes.net. I don't know.

I'd been a reformed toilet humorist for a few years, since I put my former spouse through a rigorous gastrointestinal subjication... it wasn't funny anymore when I wasn't in control of the poopy humor, but subjected to the stench of it. My ex spouse had a nasty habit of blowing off some stinkers that would make the Shah of Iran's clothes melt clean off. Ok, so I found this funny at first. BRrrrrraaapppppppptttttttt. "hahahah". Brrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeoppppppppppptttttttttoooooo... "har har har".

Then it became serious. You knew it was serious when you were woken from a dead sleep to something that sounded like it had just rushed 500 feet upwards at a speed of more than 300 miles per hour, and resembled a sonic boom. Experiencing a dutch oven was not nearly as funny as talking about one.

I sent him to the doctor.

They stuck their finger up his ass.

I laughed.

Just when you think all is well, Cottonelle comes out with these goddamn baby wipes for adults. I'm not sure the actual term, but in our family they are simply known as "buttwipes". My brother is obsessed. He buys them in bulk. He takes them to work. He gives them as gifts.

He might very well have the cleanest ass this side of the Chesapeake Bay. He also promises he will be installing a Bidet in his basement bathroom. I'm not sure whether to giggle, or fear the throngs of his friends who will surely show up at his doorstep in anticipation of hanging their dingleberried assholes over jet of clean water. I wonder if they will use buttwipes afterwards, or if they will become obscure after the Bidet.

I would also note here that my brother is an avid fecalphaliac himself. So, don't single me out. I can recant many stories of his poopy humor. He's used phrases such as "dropping kids off at the pool", "dropping anchor in bomb bay", "laying a lincoln log", "pinching off a loaf", and "brown capping" to describe his favorite past time. Sometimes, he lays a "havana omelette" or a "softserve cone". He is so obsessed with his valuable time in the John, that he has installed a data port for his LAN in his bathroom so that he can compute as he poops.

Let me recount briefly my torture as a child -- by reminiscing briefly about the 'hand towel' incidents. My brother who was always obsessed with having a clean ass (ok, so this isn't necessarily bad) would take it upon himself to give himself a wet wipe down, post poop dropping. Of course, back then there were no disposable, flushable, buttwipes. So what was his weapon of choice? My face cloth.

He wiped his dirty, dingleberry ridden, festering puckerstar on my face cloth.

And no, he didn't tell me.

Now that I am a grown adult, I can laugh about it.


Sometimes.


You say you can't live with what you been through
Well, ladies you can be an asshole too
You might pretend you ain't got one of the bottom of you,
But don't fool yerself, girl
It's lookin' at you
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's winkin' at you
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's blinkin' at you
That's what I say
I'm gonna ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Corn hole
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Fist fuck
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Wrist-watch, Crisco
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Pud!

-- Frank Zappa
 
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A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#3
#3
Be Careful How Yuh Poop (Professor Nuts)

Be careful how yuh poop before di night done
yuh mighta end up with a body come dung
mi seh be careful how yuh poop before the night done
yuh might a end up with a body come dung
Get a check up from yuh doctor Regula
suh yuh body nuh end up in a sick disaster
Mi nyam yam and banana fish and flour, ackee
Porridge fi gi mi body nuff stamina
Diareah guh fi tek mi sake a milk powda
mi nyam 11 Jackfruit and 10 gizzada
mi drink...3 quart a milk a nyam 20 bulla
and den pooooop! Cool nuh maaassa!

Mek a try memba a when dat happen...
year before last round 10 past 7
mi deh ina mini van weh ram up full a people
si dung ina di back very comfortable
after mi pooop mi did kinda freighten
because mi feel supmen but mi neva too certain
either di seat did wet or a doo mi doo-doo
eh, all mi know mi si dung ina sitten'

One gal weh deh beside mi shi look and seh "phewm!"
Mi look pon her and seh "young lady whappen"
shi seh "somebody poop", mi seh "mind anuh yuh
unu poop all di while and galang like a nuh unu"
Same time mi hear a old man seh "uh uh,
unu can't smell good, unu nose nuh open
poop nuh smell suh yuh a hear mi people
dat somebody weh fart suppose to shit to"

One dread did si dung with a piece a bamboo
hear a man: "search di dread him did a eat mango"
Di dread lick him ina him head and seh " a duppy deh pon yuh?
unu search unu self unu nuh have batty to?"

Everybody get up and start to argue and she
"wi must find a who and kill with beatin"
Mi mek sure bawl out, "naaaaga people,
why dem always a step ina dog doo-doo?"

Now di gal weh deh beside mi shi come in like scout
just a shoob up and a push up and a move all about
Hear mi nuh ina mi mind "I wonder if shi find out"
So say...so thought mi si when shi bow
and look dung pon mi foot and seh "kiss mi blow wow!"
"one stop drive let mi off now,
dis a man ya a sh*t up di bus to bull cow"
Shi look pon mi shoes it's like shi confuse
mi ask her if shi like di style shi bawl "move"
den shi call one man and seh "have mi excuse sah...
look pon dat and tell mi if it's sh*t dat or shoes"
Di man start laugh den mi hear him she
"pheew, man yuh sh*t up yuh self?"
Mi seh "move and guh yuh too faas
a mi dinner mi did have unda deh
and when di bus drop ina pothole mi dinner trow weh"
Di man stop laugh den mi hear him she
"eh, fi yuh dinner smell suh? A mussi cook John Crow"
Mi seh "no anuh mi dinner if yuh s-mell nutten,
then a mussa me step ina di dog doo-doo"
Di gal bawl out "yuh lie yuh know sar...
why yuh sh*t up self and a blame dog
for? A nuh dog doo-doo dat!"
Den mi shout "den a wah?"
SHi get a piece a stick from a piece a ackee limb
A man si her and seh "chuh...a wah dat mi sistrin?"
Shi seh "mi wuk a Public mi do doo-doo cleaning,
and a nuh dog doo-dat and mi a guh prove it to him"
Shi dig and shi dig till shi find something
Shi seh "look pon dat, dog nyam jimbolin?"
Shi neva stop dig till shi find di pumpkin
and di two juju weh mi nyam dis morning
di way mi get mad mi seh "look mi sistrin
weh you a try prove nuh have no meaning"
Mi look pon it and seh "dog nuh nyam dumplin?"
Shi seh "yes dat a true, but wah bout di tambrin'?"
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#4
#4
The years passed by like sweet little days
With babies crying pork chops and beaujolais
When he woke up he was seventeen
The world was angry. The world was mean
Why the man down the street and the kid on the stoop
All agreed that life stank. All the world smelled like poop
Baby poop that is ..the worst kind

-- John Prine
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#6
#6
Poopy Pants

Did I ever tell you about the time I went camping with Khara and Lynn?

We awoke after a chilly night of 'made-up' beer drinking games. we consumed a shit load of crappy beer that night (which I later puked). It was now time to hold a contest to find the best place to shit in the woods.

I went first and found a quaint little area. Shaded from the morning sun, I leaned my ass against a tree and let her rip. The area I had chosen had fresh lilac blooms so the entire area smelled of flowers and now shit. The poop was fine but the the problem was the piss. What do you do with the pee-pee? I successfully avoided my pants and shoes. A moderately clean wiper - only 4 wipes. The on looking judges (Khara and Lynn) were impressed, but eager to find a spot of their own.

Next it was Khara's turn. She led us deeper into the woods to a clearing near the river. Several trees had fallen in this area and Khara was scanning each and every one of these downed trees carefully. She announced she was ready so Lynn and myself prepared ourselves for the judging. Khara let out a comfortable sigh as she sat on a 'v' shaped log to relieve herself. All the weight was off her legs making for an impressive 3 wiper!!! Khara would have sat there the rest of the morning if it hadn't been for Lynn's urgency to go poop.

Finally it was Lynns turn. Despite the rumors that no one has ever pulled off less than a two-wiper in the woods, Lynn had her mind set on just that: the coveted one-wipe. Several paces up and down the creek proved tiring for all of us. Lynn's look of determination turned to a look of urgency as her colon was feastering up. Lynn asked if I could hold the toilet paper while she picked up a walking stick (not to aid in pooping) but to help herself up a steep-sided embankment up from the river bed. Khara and I stayed down low by the river, watching Lynn feverishly climb the slope while skillfully clenching her buttcheeks. We all knew one tiny slip would mean an awful mess in Lynn's pants but it would also mean an end to this record setting attempt.

Suddenly Lynn stopped. She turned around to look down at us (about 15 feet). Her face was red and covered in beads of sweat. Then, in a frenzy, Lynn dropped the stick and pulled up her shirt holding it with her chin (exposing her protruding gut). She reached for her pants like a blind woman possessed! After pulling and tugging the pants finally released like a stubborn old mule. She fumbled with the button and zipper while Khara and I moved the hell out of the way to avoid being shit on. I knew this was going to be good, but had no idea how she was going to pull this one off. With her pants and boxers around her ankles, Lynn reached up to a branch growing out from the embankment. he leaned back over the ledge suspended by a single branch. She leaned WAY out. All I could see was the side view of her white ass cheeks. Lynn opted for the "sewer pickle's" eye view. the first turd was amazingly solid. after all the beer we drank, I thought for sure it would be running down her leg. But no, Lynn grunted with a cheerful propulsion that damn near hit Khara!! After repositioning her footing, she fired another one out as if she was lead gunner on a battleship. These things were flying out! Khara let out a yelp and a snicker as she started to run towards me. "Was it clean?" I inquired. But Khara was laughing so hard she couldn't breath let alone talk. I offered Lynn the toilet paper, but she replied with a tear in her eye, "Idon't need it." Was it true? Did Lynn really pull off this elite 'no-wiper'?

After crowning Lynn the all mighty-shitter, we packed-up our camping gear and headed for home. (Oh yeah we also made a crude sweat lodge-but that's another story) We didn't talk about what happened that morning.

Now every time I take a crap I'm reminded of the series of events that took place that morning. As I reach for the toilet paper, I think to myself: either Lynn really did pull it off or she just rode home with really poopy pants.
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#7
#7
Enemas, Butt Pills, and Toilets, OH MY!

So, my mom has to go for her first ever Colonoscopy tomorrow morning. Apparently her doctor would like to make an extensive search of her buttpipes to check for Colon Cancer.

Sounds like nothing but a party to me.

The thing is, having recently had the unfortunate need to move back in with my parents for the next few months until I am able to get into the apartment I desire, when mom has to experience things like the Colonoscopy, it means the whole household does.

Good Holy Poop Chute, she has to manage to evacuate her bowels as thoroughly as possible today, in Prep-r-H-tion for tomorrow's anal probe. How is this accomplished you might ask? Enemas, Butt Pills, and Toilets!

Yes, she has been ramming those enemas, shoving those suppositories, and clamping her buttocks onto the porcelain lips of the crapper nonstop today.

Luckily, I am at work during at least 80% of this event.

Unluckily, her and I share the same bathroom.

I hope she didn't eat anything really foul last night for dinner - while I was out stuffing myself silly with Hot Dogs and other fatty substances that are guaranteed to make your ass reak.

On another note, I'm highly miffed that I starved myself all day in anticipation of the wonderful plethora of foods I would have access to at the club level seats at our local ballpark. Goddamn rain had to spoil my food.

Whatever will I poop out now?
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#8
#8
Poop Schedule?

Well I don't normally report my poop schedule, but in the interest of trying to fit in with the popular crowd (or maybe just for shock value!):

Today, I pooped twice so far.

Once at approximately 2:46pm, EST.

And again shortly thereafter at 3:10pm, EST.

You could call the 2nd a repeat fire.
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#11
#11
Excerpts from the Book of Toilet Paper, (Excretial 10:29-38)

Oh thou blessed roll of my undoing,
thou infinitely long sweet sheets of cloud,
like fleets of sheep or flock of cows--
How now?
It's all in the slow
unwinding of the hour,
hour by hour, we tire--
How long shall we sit here unshitted
like people with huge impossible missions,
like walruses or Captain Picard
who, having finally discovered
the one path into the worm hole,
sees how all this unwanted freight
will sink the whole Enterprise.
How hopeless it is to espouse
those simple-minded directives
like Jerry Rubin: Just do it.
Perhaps we would be better off
to Just Say No: Today I will not sit,
I will not shit, I will not sit,
I will not shit, nor sit nor shit,
nor sit nor shit nor sit nor shit, nor shit shit shit!
Thus ends the rousing finale to Puccini's
little known light opera, "The (F)Arse,"
in which Matilda, whose opulent behind
causes untold numbers of broken hearts,
heroically declines to do her daily duty.
"Tutti-fruitti," she snips when the pious Peter asks,
"Fruitti-tutti. I will not do this dirty duty!"
But ah! It is a heavy load to insist
on carrying one's own baggage, regardless how far.
That sort of petty
bourgeois attitude is best consigned
to a competent toitty,
which will take the whole load
off your shoulders (so to speak),
for a minor sum--$200 a week--
Just toss the cash into the can
with all the other shit
(in today's economy, we like to omit
the middleman--that's me, I mean, you).
Phew.
I feel so relieved
to once again have delivered
the cargo to the station
and let this train of thought unroll
to its predictable destination.
It's like having a baby, like soda-pop.
It's like doing the most magnificent wonderful fart.
Are you wondering when this will all
come to an end? Dont'cha know,
shit never stops when it's on a roll,
shit never stop
when it's on a roll,
when it's on a roll...
You too can do it,
just get fluent, get fluid.
It's the easiest thing,
what a rush
what a flush
("This is a bad
direction to be
headed," confided
Alice to the
rabbit as they
vanished
down the
hole (
o
i'm
late
i'm late
for a
very
important
date...)

:up:
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#12
#12
Today, some Poopy Humor

GHOST POOPY: That's the kind where you feel the poopy come out, have poopy on the toilet paper, but there's no poopy in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPY: The kind where you poopy it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPY: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.

SECOND WAVE POOPY: It happens when you're done poopying. You've pulled your pants up to your knees, and then you realize that you have to poopy some more.

BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPY, or POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPY: The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

RICHARD SIMMONS POOPY: The kind of poopy where you poopy so much you lose 30 pounds.

CORN POOPY: Self explanatory.

LINCOLN LOG POOPY: The kind of poopy that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it up into a few dozen chunks.

"Gee, I Wish I Could Poopy" POOPY: It's the kind where you want to poopy, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

BLOODY POOPY: Self explanatory.

SPINAL TAP POOPY: That's the kind that hurts so much coming out that you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPY, or POWER DUMP: That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

LIQUID POOPY: The kind where a yellowish-brown fluid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your anus.

MEXICAN FOOD POOPY: in a class all its own.
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#13
#13
OOhhHH I'm FunnyYY!!!

OOooOOOOooOOH! Look at ME!!! I'm working on my JOURNAL! :)

Like, I thought I'd SHARE that like (shhhh I'm very embarrassed about this) But I umm haven't POOPED ONCE yet today!!!

:p :p :p Something must be WRONG WITH ME!!!

After all, I AM the QUEEN OF POOPIES!!!

I hope I will too, get famous here by writing all about my Fecal Obsessions! I hope that maybe one day, I can do a Scat Skit with Conan O'Brien!!! God, wouldn't that be like, totally COOL???

It's so sad when you are lonely and talking about poop. Sometimes it makes you want to break out into Haiku:

here the poopies come
straight from out of my asshole
smell my excretion

or maybe some limericks

There once was a girl from Katmandu
who was awfully taken with poo
so often she shat
that she'd fill up a hat
and her head would be covered in doo!

:love: :love:

Well, I hope U all Will Stay tuned to my Journal To read all about my FEcal Happenings!!! I am so happy u are reading so far, it makes me feel so important!!
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#15
#15
Today, I wish to rant about...

DRUMROLL PLEASE...

Something NON FECAL!!!!

Ok...so I have a particular pet peeve (no pun intended) that centers around PETA. No, that's not People Eating Tasty Animals.

So keeping that in mind, let me share my brief encounter with one of their minions yesterday. Here I am, riding the bus home from downtown, as I've been doing for 6+ years, minding my business and talking to my boyfriend on my cell phone. I use a hands free kit, so that my arm doesn't become paralyized during the one hour trip home from hell.

Anyways, in the seat in front of me, is this kinda mangy looking lady. She looks like one of those chicks from high school days past, that hasn't brushed her hair in a week, hasn't seen the sun in years, and can't remember the last time she put down her cigarette. Thankfully, the bus is non smoking. So I'm chatting it up on the phone, and keeping my conversation politefully quiet, and not really chatting about anything I'd care much if the surrounding folks hear about. Hence, no phone sex or discussions of my IRA.

Conversation turns to my upcoming purchase of a house, and my need for some furry companions. I'm no animal nut, but I'm fond of cats. Fond. That's it. Not crazy, not obsessed, not nutty. Just fond. I don't act like they are my actual children, though I treat them as an equal opportunity member of my household. This time around, I briefly contemplate purchasing (*gasp!!!*) a PUREBRED kitten. Dum dum dum!!!! (evil background music plays...). My discussion centers around the choice between a Maine Coon and a Ragdoll, the possibility of 2 of one breed, and the possibility of one purebred, and 1 shelter kitty. Now, EVERY kitten I"ve owned in the past has been rescued from a shelter, and that's been, in my past about 6-10 kittens over the past 15 years. So, I figure, I owe it to myself to contemplate a purebred since I have this thing for larger cats. Maine Coon seemed perfect. Boyfriend and I discuss the logistics, the price, the pros and cons.

Little do I know that Ms. Smoked-Too-Much-Pasty-Face-Skank is hanging on my every word. She is fervently salivating at the chance to put in her two cents in regards to purchasing a pure bred vs. "rescuing" a shelter kitten. Of course at this particular moment, all I see is a nosy bitch. Now, it seems Ms. Pasty Face Skank has enlisted the charms of her friend, who happens to be sitting directly adjacent to me, and tehy both begin a sort of lip synced conversation with frequent glances in my direction. Ms. Pasty Face even becomes bold enough to glance directly at me like she is planning on interrupting my phone conversation.

By this time, I figure it must be something I've said. Naturally my OCD mind is racing over my whole recent conversation, and finally focuses in on the fact that it's been wholly about kittens. Now being the PETA hater that I am, I've had plenty of experience with cat obsessed freaks, and I know all about how they hate people who buy pure breds when there are all these great "homeless kitties" that need rescuing. So, I make the connection.

Bingo. I've got her number now.

And boy is she DYING to get her 2 cents in.

I decide to have fun, because I KNOW she wants to butt in my conversation. I know this for a FACT because finally she pulls (conveniently) out of her work bag, the Holy Grail of PETA Persuasion... a pamphlet with an article titled "With so many Homeless kittens, why would anyone buy a PureBred".

Jesus H. Christ, they are STALKING me!! They are on the net, on the phone, in the SPCA, and even on the BUS!!!

So in the spirit of being a bitch, I decide to aggrivate her a bit. I turn my conversation back to purchasing a purebred. I start talking about how maybe, I'll just buy 2. Hey, $500 bucks per cat isn't so bad!! Then, just for fun, I add in how maybe I'll get a boy and a girl, and BREED them!!! (cardinal PETA sin). By this time, Ms. Skanky Face is having a coronary. She's DYING to get in on my conversation. She's shooting me glances. I'm not giving her the chance to interrupt, and I'm just smiling back at her, like I"m oblivious to her attempts.

Inside, I'm laughing.

My boyfriend, however is kinda confused. I kept this up until it was time to get off the bus, and made a special point to keep the phone in my ear so that Ms. Skanky can't confront me on our way off the bus. Of course, she is getting off at my stop.

No surprise there. PETA hates me. They send their minions after me at all turns. God help us all. And especially help those who don't comply with the mother ship.

Sorry to dissapoint with a lack of fecal matter at this point. I will return to my regularly scheduled poop briefly.
 
A

apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#16
#16
constipation!

And now, without further ado, on with the show... Grab a drink, sit back and relax, and be prepared to hear more about poop than you probably would ever want to hear in your entire lifetime. As a nurse, let it be known that I have some amazing stories related to constipation in store for you!

First of all, I'm going to assume that we ALL know what constipation is. (For those that don't, uh, please stop reading now. If you are one of those people that have had a daily bowel movement every day or your life, always, then I can assure you that anything I have to say will not be even remotely close to being funny to you.) For technicalities sake, constipation can be defined as abnormally delayed or infrequent passage of dry hardened feces. There. Now that we all know what this condition consists of, we can move on. Shall we??

Being constipated is serious business for some, especially the elderly. It's a BIG DEAL, and I mean that literally, if some do not have a bowel movement every single day of their life. Now for some, poops come like clockwork. Hmmm. It's eight o'clock. I've had my breakfast. OMG! Where's the bathroom???? But for others, a daily bowel movement can only be part of some erotic dream. I work with lots of elderly people in the hospital, so I can tell you with confidence that having a daily bowel movement ranks right up there with having enough super poli-grip on hand and eating corn bread with buttermilk. When they DON'T have that daily bowel movement, we nurses are the first ones to hear about it. Over and over (and over) again.

So...my patient in room 307 has not pooped today. Just what are we going to do about it? Some prefer a good dose of Milk of Magnesia (how totally gross!), but others prefer that we go the rectal route with our treatment and get right to the butt, er, I mean source of the problem. So, with my trusty glove and lubricant in one hand, I enter the room with the ordered suppository in the other. With a quick thrust of my finger, the suppository is put into place, and with any luck, we'll have poop again in no time. The sick part is that some people actually seem to ENJOY this! Ok. Fine with me. Whatever floats your boat.

But now...what am I gonna do if that suppository doesn't work? Why, pass the buck, of course! Let the next shift handle it. (I really should, shouldn't I?) Naaahhh. Being the GOOD Charge Nurse that I am (I swear I'm not conceited), I call the physician and get an order for a good "HHH cleansing enema". HHH?? What the heck is that? It's high, hot, and a hell of alot. My poor patient has no clue what's in store for them! Hee, hee, hee. Now I ask one of my peons, er, I mean nurses to carry out the doctor's orders. I just DARE them to complain of constipation again during this admission! That'll teach 'em.

For, let's face it. NOT having a daily bowel movement is NOT the end of the world! It's perfectly normal to go two, even three days, without having a good poop. That's just the way some people are. In my naive, younger days as a fresh, new nurse right out of nursing school, I often wondered just what people DID do to relieve constipation in the "olden" days when medications, suppositories, and enemas were unheard of? Soon, I was introduced to a patient who very successfully gave me the answer to my question.

Meet Charlie (not his real name). Charlie was a good old fashioned man in his 50's with multiple other health problems who frequented the floor I work on at least one a month. Charlie loved the nurses and flirted with every one that walked into his room. Charlie had no idea what a "hat" was either. He preferred other methods of providing stool samples for the nurses. For when Charlie got constipated, Charlie would manually relieve himself of the offending obstructive materials ALL on his own with no outside help. No MOM, suppository, or enema required. When entering the room, we'd find little chocolate balls, much like chocolate covered raisins, neatly placed onto the chair beside his bed. Charlie was such a giving patient. How I miss him so now. Sigh. (WARNING: Be it hereby known that I will not be responsible for loss of computer function if that drink you've been sipping on is suddenly sputtered into your keyboard about now.)

OK....it's a full moon and it's "hell night" at work. We are getting admissions and surgery patients out the ying yang (aehm...out the rectum if you want to get technical about it), when suddenly, I get a call from my nursing supervisor informing me that we will be receiving a "Code Brown" on our floor. I hang my head and immediately begin to sob tears of uncontrollable grief. "Why is this happening to me?" I cry. Why now? I love my job. Really, I do. But times like this makes becoming a vacuum cleaner salesperson look pretty darn good!

A Code Brown? So what's the big deal? Better than a Code Blue or a Code Red any day of the week, right? This is the endearing terminology we use for those people that come to the hospital for the sole purpose of having their colon's cleaned out by the nursing staff! Because our lovely ER staff does not want the offending foul odor typically produced by those "HHH enema's in their department, we get crapped on, er, I mean chosen to do the dirty work. Who cares if we actually have SICK people to take care of? Gotta take care of this Code Brown first! Priorities, you know.

Now...if it were ME, I think I'd LEARN how to give myself an enema before I waited one or two WEEKS to come to the hospital with the pain and agony that much stool is bound to place a person into. Wouldn't that be just a tad bit embarrassing to be known as the local Code Brown? Who cares if anyone sees my dimpled butt cheeks once a week? Give me a paper bag for my HEAD as Dr_Steph so eloquently suggested in her write-off submission! Better yet: I think I'd rather just explode, thank you very much. News at 11: Woman full of crap spontaneously combusts. Yep. That'll be me.

So now that we've talked about some fun ways to relieve constipation, how do we prevent this condition from occurring in the first place? Although constipation seems to be a chronic condition for some, others are plagued with the sluggish feelings of fullness that this condition produces only occasionally. In all seriousness, prevention is key. Consuming a high fiber diet, drinking plenty of water, and getting plenty of exercise are three of the best ways to keep things "regular" down there. But(t), of course, there are times that all of these things just don't do the trick. (I'm straining, but it won't come out!) What other alternatives are available that are worth a try?

Shhh. Don't tell her I told you this, but my mother SWEARS by drinking her prune juice. Ewww, yuk, you say? Me too! But for many, it works wonders. Stand back when Mom tells you that it's "prune juice night." More than once she's spoken of the extra loads of laundry as well as the extra toilet cleaning sessions she's been forced to endure because of her every other day "bowel cleansing" ritual. You certainly won't catch Mom in the ER anytime soon asking for the three H's. I've taught her better than that.

What about laxatives? You know....Correctol, Ex-lax, and the like? I must tell you from personal experience that once your body gets used to these chemical stimulants, it's VERY hard to get yourself weaned off them again, so they AREN'T recommended. For years, I relied on such products to stay "regular" after pregnancy (more on pregnancy poops later) took it's toll on my system. Stimulant laxatives can easily make you a prisoner in your own home. For that "urge" is bound to hit you suddenly at the most unexpectant of times. It's certainly no fun to be in the middle of the grocery store and out of nowhere have to RACE for those nasty restrooms in a frantic search for an empty stall. Women's bathroom full? No problem! The men's room will do just as nicely. Just remember: take that brown paper grocery sac inside with you.

Is it just me, or do you have trouble having a bowel movement in a public restroom? Perhaps this "fear" is the culprit for many cases of constipation and we just won't admit it? Now, my husband has no problem pooping in public bathrooms, mind you. He can poop whenever and where ever the mood strikes him. And then BRAG about the size of his poop!! (OMG...Honey! Come look! It's THIS long!) Pu--lease! What is it with men and size? Bigger MUST truly be better! Anyway, I had a co-worker that honestly could NOT poop anyplace but in her own home. If she went on vacation, she'd HOLD it for a WEEK and then relieve herself when she got home. We then asked her: "What are you going to do when you move out of your parents' home? Go home to poop?" Oh no! She hadn't thought about that. Big dilemma, huh?

And now, onto those beloved pregnancy poops. You mothers out there know exactly what I'm talking about, so don't even try to deny it! Being the good patients that we are, we take our prenatal vitamins with iron faithfully, only to be rewarded with black, tarry, icky stools in return. We strain. We turn beet red. And what do we get for our efforts other than painful hemorrhoids and blood shot eyeballs? Two tiny and hardened black poops that go "plip plop." That's it? Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be better. We wipe. Then we wipe again. And again. SH*T! This stuff won't come off! I've used half a roll of toilet paper and I'm still not clean. Sigh. Forget about it. I'm the only one that does my laundry anyway.

In conclusion, I think most of us now know more than we'd possibly ever want to know about constipation. While I tried to focus on the more humorous side of the signs, symptoms, and treatments, be forewarned that constipation can be serious business if it's not taken care of in a timely manner. If left untreated, it can lead to complications such as bowel obstruction or even rupture, so never ignore constipation and think it will just go away on it's own eventually. Thankfully, this condition isn't usually serious, but sometimes constipation can be a symptom of a more dangerous underlying condition. So always check with your physician and take care of this problem promptly. And pray that I'm not on duty if you need to seek professional assistance! Don't forget to pack your paper bag....
 
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apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#17
#17
Scoop On Poop

Today, I give you, the The Scoop on Poop!!

What is poop made of?

About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be.
Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.

Why does poop stink?

Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur- or nitrogen-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.

Why is poop brown?

The color comes mainly from bilirubin, a pigment that arises from the breakdown of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. The actual metabolic pathway of bilirubin and its byproducts in the body is very complicated, so we will simply say that a lot of it ends up in the intestine, where it is further modified by bacterial action. But the color itself comes from iron. Iron in hemoglobin in red blood cells gives blood its red color, and iron in the waste product bilirubin gives rise to its brown color.
 
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apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#18
#18
A change in Direction...

I'm going to rant here. I'm sure none of you are reading it anyways, so I figure, why not???

I've always been a big fan of improv. No, not all the cheesy stuff that the average person thinks of, but the local shows in Baltimore. Long form, short form, whatever... it all has its variety. Even though Baltimore doesn't have a huge Improv crowd, it does have some spots.

Having studied Art (and Theatre) in College, I have a wide appreciation for a variety of entertainment. I've studied drawing, painting, graphic arts, theatre, dancing, photography, web design, and the list goes on. Jack of all trade (master of a few).

Must add to my resume here - high level of technical pc skills, programming, web design, troubleshooting, building pcs, and the internet. I've been on the web since before it was the web. My first pc was a commodore 64, and I learned how to do that wonderful program - 10 print "*", 20 print goto 10, 30 run or something like that. And the little * would repeat itself across the screen. Then I got an IBM 8080, with a 1200 baud modem (heck maybe it was slower) and I connected to the library thru gopher. It was all text. Found out about BBS's. Hung out on a few, played some games, met some friends. Heck made lots of friends.

And no, I didn't talk about poop.

Anyways, eventually the WWW came about. Graphics, tons of things to do, plenty of places to go. Plenty of people to meet.
I made a huge swarm of friends (both local and afar) due to an obsession I had with exercise. Some of these people have become dear friends and confidents. Heck, I even met my current boyfriend of over a year on the net.

Ok, so getting to the point. Some of you may think I'm this pesky gnat that won't go away. Some of you get my point, and get my 'humor'. Hmm... humor you say? Potty mouth, poopy talk, 12 year old humor? Oh yes, it has a message, and it *is* funny. (not all the time).

I guess the message is "damn, lighten up". Or maybe its "I'm sorry I don't live in NYC or Chicago" or maybe it's just "hey, I'm wacky, I'm different, and sometimes, I am even funny! (or boring)". It's always been a wild ride for my friends, they never know what to expect from me. Sometimes I break out into song about absolutely nothing. Sometimes I'm deviant and spend time pranking people.

Sometimes, I even hold down a job, own a home, and hang out at comedy clubs to watch improv!!! *gasp*.

I came here because of Ali's journal. I read it with interest, and read it compeltely. It was humorous, funny, interesting, witty, and most of all, true to life (or as close to as I can figure). Insightful.

Naturally after reading her journal, I thought "wow, an improv board...cool". Then, I thought "wonder if there's more like this". So, I read.

While I must admit there are several interesting journals on here (yes Terry, even though I make jokes about you being hot, it's really your Beverage Journal I like most...sorry) and Dyna Moe's journal is fun to read.... there are also many just plain goofy journals. Mine included. It's goofy, it's weird, it's annoying, it's pissing you off. Hey, it makes you look, doesn't it? You all have looked at least *once* I bet...

Like I said, I looked around here a bit before I posted. I found the journals section, and noted it was not solely about Improv... but seemed to be a variety of Improv, rantings, babblings, and just uncategorized things like Beverage of the Day. So I decided to have some fun, shake things up. But alas, not everyone likes change.

In all the time I've been on the net, and in all the newsgroups, clubs, message boards, and BBS's I've frequented, all of these - to different degrees have a sense of 'community'. Some are just 'virtual', and some are both virtual, and in real life, or a combination thereof. But all have welcomed newcomers (ones not blatently blasting other members) with open arms, no matter how unconventional or unorthodox they may seem.

Maybe you don't like poop. I figure, most people don't. I don't either, really. But, it's funny... at least worth a chuckle sometimes.

I find it a bit strange at times, that on a place as large as the web, that such a tight clique can be formed. It is refreshing in some senses. Afterall, this is the "World Wide Web". But I figure if the outsiders aren't wanted... why park your home right in the middle of the mall? It's like having free samples of Bourbon Chicken and telling the passersby that only certain people can have them. The rest of you just need to pretend you didn't see it... (or smell it).

Usually message boards attract a variety of people. Those that are 'in the field' so to speak. Those that are fans of 'the field'. Those that perhaps, just have a passing interest.

Don't they all bring some value..? Of course, if you hang a brightly colored, wet rug out to dry, eventually all the drops of water will fall off and it will dry out. But, it'll take alot of the color with it.
 
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apathy_girl

Land of the Lost
#19
#19
ok so I'm bored of poop for now

Here i sit on my er-go-nom-ic work chair...

Test test test analyize test! Failover, data flow failover!

Here is the DDA.PR.INR.PG.FNB.CTRLDISB file from today's DDA110PG job that ran late.

The system is down, woop woop sound the alarm!
call in the technician!! No one can do any work like this!! woop woop!

The big vulture like matronly boss-bird swoops in with her save all attitude and screeches, "make it work, make it work!"

Unplug the router, reboot the system!

"Hey, does anyone need any graphic arts/web design done? I'm really good at that..."

:loopy:
 
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