** ambition and inspiration **

[RainingStar]

* ambition and inspiration *

After just returning from New York I have been inspired to begin an improv Journal. I had one in the off-topic section but I stopped writing in it. I am Erin Anderson from the SLC Skirts. The blonde one..

The Del Close marathon gave me an entire new look on improv. I met and saw so many phenomenal improvisors during my visit to New York. I am also really looking into moving out of Utah to further my experience in improv among other things.

I realized that the greatest thing about my troupe is the love :love: and the support that we show for each other on and off of the stage. We are there because we want to be there and because we are having fun and loving what we do.

I think that after performing with the SLC Skirts we were all a little hard on ourselves but Jesse, Ryan, Austin, and Ross White really pulled us out of that quick. Well they did for me anyway. The entire trip they were supporting us and encouraging us and I could not have possibly asked for more. :up:

I think that I shared a lot of bonding time with the girls which just makes me want to be on stage with them even more. I love those girls.

On Monday I took a class with Billy Merrit and some of the North Carolina Crew and it was superb. I had never played with anyone from North Carolina before but I think that we jumped into scenes together very well and I took a lot of notes. I would really like to show some of the KYSOFF people what I learned and try some things. But I do not think that our director would give me the time to do that in our rehearsals, so I was thinking that maybe I will organize it on my own time if people are interested. It is very much worth it and I would love to try some things in long form.

This weekend I will be playing Short Form in Clearfield with the Quick Wits. I always love playing with them because they bring such a positive attitude to the improv world which makes my anxiety to get on stage grow more and more. I remember talking to Ryan about how after watching all of this long form and how much you can really do with it all and how entertaining it is, I was not interested in Short Form anymore. Then he told Ross to save Short Form for me and Ross passed on some very helpful advice to me. I love these people.

This past week has given me a whole new outlook on my improv and it also reminded me on why I love it so much. I did not get to meet everyone that I wanted to but I think that there is still plenty of time for all of that in the future.

I do not have a whole lot of time to write more because I am at work. But I just wanted to introduce myself and begin my Improv Journal. And to just reminess on my New York trip. There was nothing bad about it. I even got to see some old friends which was truly a blessing. Thanks everyone. :blush:

 

[RainingStar]

*video killed the improvisor*

Last night the Skirts got together to view the tape of our performance at The Del Close Marathon. I did not like watching it. I kept thinking to myself that I have the potential to have done a better job. :bleagh:

I guess that watching tapes of yourself is good for self criticism and I made a note to myself to talk louder on stage among other things but I really did not enjoy watching that tape at all. I think that it brought me down. I wish that it was not that way but I know that I am capable of doing better work. The other girls did great and Emily complimented me but I just did not feel good about it.

Watching the tape reminded me of the Trolley Brawl. I wanted that show to be one of my best. My team and I prepared for it and had a lot of fun with it. They all dyed their hair blonde and we are were all decked out in fun clothes and we had it down. My team even won which is great (even though other people thought that we were to gimmicky). But my performance was nothing like I wanted it to be. When I was running down the aisle to the stage I somehow twisted my ankle. By the time that I got to the stage I told myself that I was good enough to perform. But I did end up limping a bit and I do not want to blame my ankle for my bad performance but I was in pain and very distracted. I think that the boys I was performing with did a good job helping me out especially Troy and I could not be more thankful but I really wish that it could have been different. My ankle was swollen for 4 days and it was hard to walk on for two weeks after that. I remember watching the tape and just looking at myself perform really bothered me.

Then there was the Comedy Extravaganza in Clearfield. I played in 3 long forms that night. One with Clearfield Quick Wits, one with the SLC Skirts, and on with Knock Your Socks Off. I thought that overall it was a pretty good show. But then when I saw it on tape it just made me feel weird. I have come to the conclusion that I just do not really like seeing myself perform on camera. (Which is kind of funny considering I want to be a New Anchor) But then that worries me that if I do not like watching myself do improv on tape what do other people think?

I think that maybe I am too negative. :nervous:

After we, being the Skirts finished viewing tape we went out for some food and drinks and talked a lot about what our future hopes are for The Skirts. I am really excited to see what will happen with it. Jady is leaving for college soon. I really do not want her to go. She is such a wonderful asset to us. When the five of us are together I am just so happy and we all love being together and we all love performing together. I am really going to miss her. But hopefully we will be able to attend the Chicago improv festival next year and she will play with us.

I think that I am going to ask a few people if they want to get together sometime next week and just do a little scene work. I was telling Lisa and Emily about what I learned from Billy Merrit and they seemed very interested to try it out. I want to try it out as a long form as well. So I think that I will talk to Jesse and Austin and some other KYSOFFERS and see if they would be interested. Maybe I will even build up some courage and ask Joe if I could have a little time in our next rehearsal to share what I learned. :blank: But I am also interested in what Jesse learned in his classes.

I am very tired. I have been tired since I returned from New York. But I do not really have the time to sleep. I am going to be searching for another job to save up some money. I feel like I am behind on things and I do not want to be at all. Oh well.

I have to be going now. But if you just so happen to be reading this have a very nice day.

 

[RainingStar]

* Bitter Sweet Lifestyle *

This weekend was very bitter-sweet for me. :mope:

It all started out on Firday which was pretty good. I worked and went to lunch with my cousin. Then I had some friends call me and ask if I wanted to go and see the movie "Pirates of the Caribbean." So I went and I absolutely loved the movie. I was extremely impressed with the character that Johnny Depp plays. Captain Jack Sparrow. I have always been a big fan of pirates. That is the only thing that I ever wanted to be for Halloween. I remember that one of my child fantasies was to be kidnapped by a pirate and sail around the world... That is kind of funny to think about now. My family must of thought that I was crazy.

Anyway... Next came Saturday. Not a whole lot happened during the day. I did some studying for my ASVAB test and it was really too hot to do anything else. But I performed in Clearfield with Quick Wits that night and it was a lot of fun. I had two very good shows. My teammates for both shows were supportive and accepting and it was a good time. I am so happy that it went well because they were my first two shows since I got back from New York and I could not ask for it to have been better. After the shows a few of us went and hung out but nothing out of the ordinary happened there.

Sunday... We had the Improv Barbeque. Yay... I had been waiting for this for a long time. But before I left my house my roommates left me a letter asking me to move out because they are having some financial problems. Which is fine because I had planned to move out soon anyway but now I just feel the pressure of having to hurry and I have no idea where to go. I cannot live at home with my parents because they live in Oregon (I am not sure that I would do that anyway). So that put me in a very low state of mind. However, the improv barbeque boosted my mood a bit. It was really cool to get everyone together. It is too bad that not all the troupes from Utah were there but it was still a very good turn out and a lot fun. I really love how troupes are beginning to mingle with each other. And I really love those people they are some of the best people that I know and I feel so lucky to know all of them.

Ben, Laine, Troy, and I decided to go to Wendover after the barbeque but first Troy was doing a little stand-up at Wiseguys so we all went there first. But before I went there I went to visit my sister and give her the souveniers that I bought her in New York. It was good to see her. I kind of broke down and told her how stressed I was about moving and how I just felt almost sick over it. She did her best to console me but time was short and I had to get home because Laine came to pick me up before Wiseguys.

Troy was wonderful as usual and we headed out. It was a good time. I had never been gambling so I was a little confused and lost but I played on the quarter and nickel slots most of the time which kept me pretty busy because I would win everything I had lost and it just kept a pattern in that way. Poor Ben lost $140 dollars playing Black Jack. I stopped with that game after $20 dollars. So all together I lost $25 dollars. I consider that pretty good for my first time. Troy did all right I am not really sure what he ended up with and I do not really know if Laine did much gambling or not. She played on the nickel slots with me for a while. We made our way home at about 3:30am. Good times I thought it was good to bond with those guys I have not really seen Ben in a while. :up:

Monday..... Not a good day!!! :exp: I realized that I am not making enough money at work to be able to move out into my own apartment or something and I do not want to move in with family members so I went out and looked for a second job all day. It was hot and I was tired but I filled out a lot of applications so now I just have to wait. I will not ever let myself have to work too much that it will take away from my improv time but I may end up having to miss some rehearsals depending on what I get. I am going to be tired a lot though I wake up at 3:45am every morning to come to my present job and work usually until 9:30 or 1:30 in the afternoon. So that just adds on to my stress. I looked for more places to possibly stay for a little bit until I get on my feet but I was very unlucky with that. So I just feel terrible.

I went to visit my granparents that I have kind of avoided for a little bit. A sad thing to do but it is hard for me to go over there because my grandpa has Alzheimers disease and he thinks that I am my aunt Jackie. He says really weird things and he has lost a lot weight and he is not himself. But I know that my grandma needs us around to keep her going. She has been taking care of him and I just feel akward about the whole situation. I just headed home after that.

I am hoping that today will have a better turnout. I will not be able to attend rehearsal however, because I need to talk to some people about moving and return some of my applications. I also have a great friend in town that I have known since kindergarten who is having a little barbeque and I would really like to see him and just forget about everything for a few hours.

I am sure that things will start looking up soon and I will be a better person because of it. There are a lot of people who are a lot worse off than me. I should just be grateful for the things that I do have. And I am.
I am really looking forward to one thing though actually two things. One is that that I get to go and have lunch with Ben Porter of Laughing Stock tomorrow to talk to him about an idea that the girls of SLC SKirts and I had. So I am way excited to see what his input is. And I also get to play in Clearfield on Friday. I am not sure if I am emceeing or playing but I either way I am happy.
:angel:

 

[RainingStar]

** Choose Life **

Thursday was Pioneer Day in Utah. The day that Utah became a state. :wave: I have this tradition with some friends of going to Liberty Park and watching fireworks. The problem is that these days my old friends are indecisive and busy and some of them I have not even talked to for months or they do not live in Utah anymore. So it was pretty cool that my friend from kindergarten (his name is Zach) was in town. Because he got most of the people from our group of friends together and met me there.

I invited a bunch of improvisors and actually had a pretty good turn out. Which made me happy. It was a lot of fun, we did not even do much except walk around and meet people and then watch fireworks and then some of us went to Villiage Inn afterward. But it made me realize that I really love being with the people that I do improv with. I think that it is really great to be able to go out with people that you see all of the time on stage and just hang out. Getting to know someone in my opinion also really helps you when you are on stage with them.

One night when I was in New York there was a girl that was telling me that she has never seen a troupe that is as close and so happy to be around each other as we are. That made me really happy, but it also made me think of other troupes. How could you not love these people? I mean you choose to see them all of the time. It is your choice to keep showing up and your choice to play or not. So hopefully you enjoy both the people and the improv.

Friday night I played in Clearfield. But getting there was kind of frightening. I left my house and it was raining lightly. And when you drive a long distance you run into all kinds of different weather sometimes. Suddenly it got really dark and rain was pounding down fast and hard. If I would have stopped and gotten out of my vehicle I would have been soaked in a matter of seconds. That is how hard it was raining. Then there was suddenly wind and the lovely smell of The Great Salt Lake. The wind was so strong that it kept pushing me over to the other lane on my right and there were cars in the lane to my left having the same problem. I could not even see out of my windshield it was crazy. But I finally got there and ran inside but was still pretty wet by the time that I got to the door.

I only played in the late show last night because there was some kind of Family reunion at the theatre and Jake had a full cast for that which included some KYSOFF players... Jesse and Larry. I watched the end of their show and it was very good. In the second show I got to play on a team with Joel Hilton and Steve Roland. Two people who I absolutely love to watch and play with and I had not played with either of them for a long time. I wanted to play with Jesse too but my team was put together because we were just sitting next to each other and Steve just said so how about us three against Jesse, Heather, and Dustin. It was really cool though and I had a great time.

During the last game the other team was playing Bad Advice and Jesse came out as Satan and Heather came out as God... Right when that happened there was a penalty called. I guess some religious people were offended even though it was not that bad. The best thing about it is that Heather and Jesse totally stuck to their characters reguardless of what the audience felt. It was pretty cool. My team played Scene with a Soundtrack which was pretty cool. But the emcee had never emceed before and he kept ending everything way to early so I think we only got through two songs and that was it. Oh well. It was still a lof of fun.

Afterward there was a little shin-dig at Josh's House. Which we met up with some of the people who played at Off The Wall. Larry, Austin, and Troy were there. It was pretty fun. Sometimes though Larry brings me down. He just says things that he is oblivious to even know what it means. Before every show he walks around to everyone and says "Don't Suck." I think that is really lame. Have some confidence in your team players. I always say it back to him and he just looks at me like how dare I say such a thing to him. Everyone has room to improve. I think that I have improved a lot. But I guess that some people are never open to pay attention to what other people are doing besides themselves.

I have been trying lately to work on my pantomiming. I am not the greatest at it but I think that the biggest thing that everyone can work on is remembering that something is there. Last night a scene started out with me knocking on Joel's office door. After I went inside later in the scene Steve came out and they just started talking to each other. So I said "Wow, I am impressed that the two of you can speak and see each other through the door. People laughed and it was pretty funny. But I wonder if I maybe should have just left it as it was. I guess that is something to talk about on a forum.

Last night I found out that a fellow improvisors brother recently passed away. I did not know the guy but I feel incredibly sorry for his brother and family. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like losing my sister or my mom or dad. I wish that there was some way that I could help but I have learned that in these situations it just takes time. The thing that everyone says are "I am sorry." and "I know how you feel." I hate when people say that. So I think that when I see him next I will just give him a hug and let him know that I am available if he needs anything.

AHHH!!! Don't you hate it when the bottom of your feet itch and it will not stop. And you cannot seem to get the right spot to get it to stop itching... That has been happening the entire time I have been typing this. OH well... ​

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[RainingStar]

*a wish for time*

I really wish that there was more time in the day! Or at least that people were not required to waste so much time with sleep. :loopy: It seems like the past few days have gone so fast and that I have not had really anytime to do much of anything except work and plan for my moving etc...

I went to rehearsal last night but I was unable to stay for the entire thing which is how it has been lately. I sometimes think that 4 hours is too long and wish that we could cut it down but other times I really appreciate the full four hours. I arrived a little bit late because of some traffic issues and our stage manager is pretty strict on calling if you are going to be late or leaving early or not going to show up at all and so I was late and was told to call if that was going to happen. I do not really know how I feel about this rule, it can get a bit annoying at times but then again it is not that big of a deal to just call and say what the deal is. So I have an understanding of it from both prospectives.

We did a little bit of work with Solo Monologues when I got there. Jesse was teaching. I personally really enjoyed this exercise because it made me think of how many scenes you could do with one persons monologue, and it also helped with listening to a person rather than thinking about what you would or could say. We had some good stuff. One of the greatest things that Jesse said was that Charna H. says that your monologues have to be real based on some things in your real life and Jesse disagreed. I mean I think that if you have a story that comes to your mind at the top your head when you hear your suggestion then by all means tell it no matter what it is. But do not be afraid to go off on tangents and if you run out of things to say than start making it up. I realized that I said the word "anyways" 3 times in my monologue which is bad so it is something to work on. But I liked it.

We then proceeded to play some short form games. We started with Super Heroes. Jesse really loves this game. I would not say that it was one of my favorites but we talked about giving each other a super hero maybe in a subject that the person knows a lot about. I think it could work. I have mixed feelings about it and this game to me is just odd. It can be great or it can bomb! :exp:
We moved onto The Dating Game. I like this game it was kind of fun. Jesse was the bachelor and JD played this girl that he had kidnapped and she did some great things with that. I played Jesse's Ex-Wife which was kind of fun and I hate when this happens but I thought of some cool things that I could have done after the game was over. :wishy: Oh well. Then we played Half Life. I like the way that KYSOFF plays this game. I have played it with Clearfield before and they come into a scene way to early and it is just messy and crazy. But it is kind of fun to wait until you here 30 to come in and then 15 and then 7... etc... Last time I played that game in Clarfield I suggested trying to wait before you come out to fast but nobody really listened to me, and some said no, that would not be right. I think that they do that sometimes because I am a girl or they think that I do not know what I am talking about. That is why I do not think that I will be able to show many people what I learned from Billy Merrit in New York is because some people are just afraid to give it a chance. Oh well, not my loss. :blush: I know that the SLC Skirts want to practice it. I love those girls. :love: So we can benefit from it.
I left practice after that. I wanted to do more but I had so much to do last night and I was pretty tired and had to wake up at 3:45am to come to work this morning.

I will be auditioning this weekend for Quick Wits Clearfield. I am really excited. I really like all of the people out there they are all very positive people and I have fun playing with all of them. I always leave the shows happy which is a great feeling. I will be staying with KYSOFF but I just want to broaden my experience with other people and be able to do both Short and Long Form. I am very lucky to have the opportunity to play with Quick Wits Clearfield as often as I do. They really are a very talented and fun group of people to be around. I think that I will be playing there this Friday and I have some new ideas that I want to try out. Yay!!!

As for my moving situation it is still stressful but I may have found something that will work out. I just need a roommate. Which I am working on right now but the place that I found is perfect. It is close to work in a beautiful neighborhood and it is very affordable. So I am just hoping that I will be able to get in there soon before someone else does.

I went to see "The Italian Job" yesterday with Ben and Scottie. It was fun and a pretty good movie. In ways it reminded me of "Ocean's Eleven." It was good to hang with those guys it has been while.

Today is another busy day. I need to study for my ASVAB test everyday this week. I will be taking it on August 8th. I am not completely sure if I am going to join the Coast Guard or not but I want to take it and see from there. ​

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[RainingStar]

* Exhausting Week *

I am glad that last week is over!!! I think that I was on the verge of going crazy!!! :nervous:

I have been looking for a place to move out to and I had two potential roommates who in the end could not move out. Which is fine but it made me have to think of something I could do to be able to afford my own place. I was seriously stressing out so much that I was not sleeping. :tsk:

So Friday night I was scheduled to perform in Clearfield. I was tired and very moody. I even thought about calling Jake and just asking if he could find a replacement for me. But then after thinking about it I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to perform because it would clear my head and put me in a better mood... Boy was I wrong. :mope: When I got there I ended up getting in an arguement with Steve about Bad Advice and how I think that it is played too much. Then of course Larry had to chime in every few minutes to give his opinion. Which did not make matters any better. By the end of both shows which were not that bad I was just tired and I felt like I just needed to be alone. So I drove home and slept the second that my head hit the pillow.

Saturday morning I went to work at Starbucks which by the way is so much fun. I love it there, and I was quite refreshed from my full nights sleep. I was talking to this girl that I work with and I was just telling her how I have been so frustrated because I am stressed about finding an affordable place etc.. Then she said that she is looking for a roommate. Well I went and looked at the place and I loved it so I am going to be painting my room this week and packing my things and finally moving. She is a very sweet and crafty girl I am excited. I performed in Clearfield that night and auditioned for the troupe and made it. Things just started falling into place. Both shows were fun and my friends from Starbucks even came to the later show. It made me happy I think that I am very lucky to have the opportunities that I do. I apologized to Steve and all the Clearfield Troupe about my behavior the previous night but still kept my opionion on that Bad Advice is played to much and that there are a bunch of other character games that could be played. But I am glad to be a part of the troupe. That makes three. KYSOFF, Quick Wits, and SLC Skirts. I think that it is good for me to be able to play with all of these superb people it will help me improve. and learn more.

Sunday was not too eventful. I went to a family barbeque. I realized that when we are around our family my sister is quite the bitch.. But when it is just me and her and maybe her friends she is a peach. It is really weird I do not understand. But oh well. I also tried to pack a few things but I am not really sure where to start and I also think that I have too many clothes and way too many shoes. I have 36 pairs of shoes. :blush: yeah... uhm. I think it is time to get rid of some things. And I also picked out the color of paint for my room. I am going to be painting some texture so it will look awesome. I am excited.

That is about it for now. I am really glad that everything seems to just be falling into place. Now I just have to figure out what I want to do with this Coast Guard thing... :up:

This Friday is a Battle Of The Sexes Show in Clearfield. SLC Skirts against the men of Quick Wits. YAY!!! I have been looking forward to this show for a long time. The Skirts are some of my favorite people to be on stage with. I am going have a lot of fun. :inlove:

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[RainingStar]

** I love the skirts **

Last night KYSOFF rehearsal was cancelled. So the SLC Skirts decided to get together to talk about the battle of the sexes show and the Septemberprov.
:love: I LOVE THESE LADIES!!! :love:

I showed them a little bit of what I learned from Billy Merrit but I did not have my notes with me so I just did it from what was on the top of my head but it went really well. We had some great scene work and we tried out some new things that will be fun. In the Septemberprov Jady and Laine will not be there so it will just be me, Emily, and Lisa. We were thinking about doing something similar to WE 3 or even Bassprov but I think that whatever we decide to do will be fun and it will go well. We just need some practice.

I was feeling extremely light headed :bleagh: because I had just gotten off of work from Starbucks and had a lot of coffee but no food so we went to The Pie Pizzeria to eat. But we gave each other characters to play the entire time that we were there.

This was hilarious. I played a character named Amelia :wave: who was raised on a farm but currently attending school at NYU. I wanted to be a city girl more than anything but I was also barely pregnant, I was not sure who the father was and I was trying to keep it secret because I was afraid that I would lose my scholarship, I thought about abortion and adoption. Fun to play and I even gave myself a little southern accent.

Jady played a character named Jessica :angel: who is a beauty Queen. Very girly and genuinly nice to everyone. Everytime a boy would walk by Jessica would assume that they wanted her. She was also very un-sure about showing cleavage. The kind of girl who wears vaseline of her teeth to keep them shining and keep her smiling. She talked about beauty pagents a lot. Jady did a great job with this.

Laine played a character named Roberta. :flip: A huge tom-boy! Loves sports and apparantly has a boyfriend from Germany named Haans that she met at a field Hockey game. But nobody had ever seen or met him. She loved all sports and drank beer and made fun of Jessica and was a tough person all around. Laine was fun to see doing this.

Lisa played a chracter named Madeline. :slurp: She had an accent but I am not really sure what it was I am going to guess French. Madeline is a sex fiend! She is a married woman but claims that her husband does not mind that she still has sex with other men. She talks about it all of the time and has been with every type of man that you can imagine. Kind of has a know it all attitude but encourages other people to go ahead and have sex. Lisa was so hilarious to listen to.

Finally Emily played a character named Jasmine. :tsk: Born into a polygamist family. And married into one as well however she decided to leave her polygamy family and found a new love. Jasmine makes quilts and jams for the farmers market and enters them into contests, she also wants to have a lot of children. She is very crafty and very in love with her fiance. Which is why we are all together because we were having the bridal shower for her. You have to love Emily playing a character like this.

This was a lot of fun. We all kept our characters very well until we got back to place that we were rehearsing. Then we worked on some short form games but we were all in a bit of a goofy mood so we were all giggling at everything and having a good time. :jump: Those four girls are my favorite people to do improv with. We always have tons of fun and we always laugh about everything. We are all friends to not just fellow improvisors that is extremely important to me in improv.

The Battle of the Sexes is going to be a great show. I think that some people are taking it to be too big of a competition. I think that the important thing is to just have fun on stage. It is not really about winning or losing at all. But I know that I am going to love every minute of it.

It maybe one of the last shows that I get to perform with Jady in before she leaves for Chicago. But I know that we will make the best of it.​

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[RainingStar]

affected by absence?

It has been a long time since I last wrote in this journal. But I have recently been inspired. :angel:

I sort of took a month off from improv :nervous: to do this Haunted House thing.

I have my first show tonight with Laughing Stock it is a special show for some students from Westminster College. I am super excited to do it and I get to perform with some of my favortie people to perform with. I get to play with Lisa, Clarence, Ben, Russ, and possibly Dave. These people are so much fun. I will also be performing with Laughing Stock this Saturday November 1st and I am also really looking forward to that show.

I will be returning to the Quick Wits Clearfield :up: show on November 7th and 8th and I have really missed it out there too. I miss the people too. I think that it is such a friendly environment out there and all of the people are great. I cannot wait to see everyone.

It is amazing how much can change in a month. A lot has changed for me. I have lost ten pounds, I have a boyfriend who treats me like a princess and we get along very well. He has never seen an improv show and I think that he may be coming to the show tonight so that should be kind of interesting I think that he will enjoy it.

I am a little bit nervous because I have not done improv for a while and I do not want to be rusty on it. I will practice some warm up games before hand to get myself perpared but I am sure that it will all be fine.

The Haunted House makes job number four for me so I have not really slept at all and I keep getting kind of sick in wierd ways. There was something wrong with my kidneys for a few days I had to get a shot for it. I am going to get my flu shot today because I am scared of getting the flu. But I am doing well at the moment so that makes me happy.

Hopefully I will be able to get in on what is happening at Off The Wall soon. They are really developing very well and I am so proud of the people in charge of it all for actually going out and doing something!!! I wish that I could have helped out but my schedule is the most chaotic in October so I just kind of missed the deadline. I have offered myself for any help or filling in that they may need so we will see what happens. Things will slow down in November and I get to go to Oregon to see my parents for Thanksgiving. I miss them.

Improv is an addiction. I have missed it so much and I know that I would not have missed it as much if it were not for all of the wonderful people that I get the opportunity to perform with and who I have missed so very much. I will see them soon.

I am at work at the moment and unfortunately I have to get back to it.


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[RainingStar]

* improvise a relationship *

I have had something on my mind the past few days that I wanted to write about here.

Are all improvisors pretty much screwed in the dating scene?

My current boyfriend Nathan is a wonderful guy. He is the type of guy that women dream about being with and I am very lucky and I am still trying to figure out why he likes me. And everything is going really well.

However... Nathan does not really like the fact that I will be doing improv on most my weekend nights. :bleagh: I see him everyday and I realize now that people who are not improvisors do not understand.

They do not understand how rewarding it is, how addicting it is, how much it means and how it is an escape and how the people involved are like family.

When I started improv I was with the same boyfriend that I had had for three years and we broke up because of other issues. Since then I have dated two or three fellow improvisors and the advantage of that is that they understand the whole improv scene and most of the time you can see each other because you will both be performing. :up:

The disadvantage of this is that actors, improvisors, comedians, etc... LOVE DRAMA!!! So it seems like unnecessary drama is always happening wether it is because of the two of you or other people. Not to mention in improv, word seems to travel around wether it be the truth or not. Rumors fly. And sometimes improv is an escape from your everyday life and when your significant other is an improvisor it can get a little personal at times. :wishy:

Luckily in my situation those few that I have dated in improv I still remain friends. I had no bad endings with anyone. So I am on good terms as far as I know.

I told Nathan that improv comes before everything else right now. Especially because I am just now coming off of my hiatus from the haunted house. I tried to explain to him how much I love it and how much it means to me, :inlove: how it is my passion, how I look forward to it every week, how much I love the people who are involved. I have traveled doing this and I have had some of the greatest opportunities presented to me because of improv. But it still seems like he does not understand and it frustrates him and it frustrates me.

I am hoping that with time he will start to understand. He has a lot of things going on in his own life that I would never even think about asking him not to do them. That should not be what a relationship is about. But I am sort of torn between two men at the moment. :tsk:

But one of the men has been on my mind for over 6 years and it has been a little over a year since I have seen him. He is on a mission and will not return for another ten months or so. But we have been keeping in touch with letters and in the last few we have come to an understanding that we will need to have a long talk when he returns.

That is going way off of the subject though so I will get back to it.

In all of the improv relationships that I have seen with my fellow improvisors it just seems a little unbalanced. I am so confused on the entire situation.

Nathan has still never seen an improv show so maybe when he sees how much I love it and how much fun I have doing it and even when he meets the people I work with he will start to understand. :jump:

On another note. The show at Laughing Stock last weekend was everything that I wanted it to be. The audience was almost sold out and the entire show was high energy and everyone was doing well.

After the show to my surprise someone from Boston came up to me and told me that he had seen me and the SLC Skirts perform at the Del Close Marathon. He said that he knew me right away and I have not yet had a chance to tell my fellow skirts about it but it made me really happy to know that he recognized me from that. What a small world we live in.

I am going to Yellowstone this weekend so I will not be able to perform like I wanted to but there is always next weekend.

And also Off The Wall is opening up there new venue in Bountiful and there are a lot of KYSOFFERS that will be performing there I am really looking forward to playing with these people again. There is a lot going on and I cannot wait to get up on stage and improvise again. Especially doing Long Form. I love the dedication and the drive of everyone involved. It is amazing what they can do. :love:

Well that is all that I am going to write for now because that is all that I have to say. And I have to get back to work. :wave:



​

 

[RainingStar]

* Good Times *

This past weekend I had some really good shows.

On Friday I emceed the first show and had a really good time with that. Joe Beatty was playing up there with us and Jesse as well. All of the cast members that night gave me compliments on my emceeing which made me happy because the very first time I emceed the notes were not as positive. I am glad that Jake gave me another chance I really enjoy doing it.

The audience was a fun group. We had a pretty decent crowd size as well which is always good. The second show was a little different because of the long form and we did not start out with any music which was odd because it was so quiet. :nervous: I think that they should have used something. Anything would have done that was high energy. The long form was fun the edits went a little to quick but Joe Beatty, Ronny, and I had a fun continuous scene.

Saturday night was also fun. Steve Uribe did not want to emcee the first show so he asked me to do it and I accepted. :up: I had a great time. It was Emily's last show in Utah and I really wanted to play with her in the second show but everyone decided that they did not want two girls on the same team and that it would be more even that way. So I did not get to play with her. But it was really good to see her and Laine, I wish that Lisa and Jady could be there. I miss playing with all of those girls and now with two of the skirts gone it makes things a little hard.

I found out some things on Saturday that I pretty much wish that I would have never known about. I was pretty disturbed for a few days but I am trying to just forget it but it makes me realize that I need to be careful when it comes to trusting people.

This week has gone by a little slow. But I got a raise at work and I maybe going full time there after December. Which means that I would quit Starbucks and one of the great things about KSL is that if you are a full time employee they pay for school. I could get the best of both worlds. Now I just have to figure out if Broadcast Journalism is what I really want to do. I am good at it, I have been doing it for five years now but I think that since I am already here that I can do something even bigger. Traveling would be great!!! I also kind of like the thought of learning more on Public Relations and Advertising... It has caught my interest for some reason.

Yesterday was Nathan's birthday. We had a lot of fun. It was a good day and I think that he was pretty happy which is good becaue that is what I wanted. He told me to make plans so I did and I am glad that it went so well. :angel: I have felt a little strange lately because Nathan's good friend started dating my cousin which is a little odd and a bit disturbing but she seems really happy so I am not anyone to step in and take that away. I am happy for her and in time I think that the weird part of it will fade away.

I had a family party for my grandpa's birthday and they wanted me to bring Nathan so I did and when he met my cousin he thought that she would get along really well with his friend so we all went bowling and they apparently hit it off very well. But it is still strange. My sister complimented me on how cute Nathan is as if I had something to do with it. She is hilarious. :loopy:

I am leaving for Oregon with my sister on Tuesday for Thanksgiving and I am so excited. I miss my parents so much and I cannot wait to get out there and just relax. It is so comfortable there you know how it is to be home.

Shows this weekend should be fun. I am playing both shows on Friday at Clearfield and then Laughing Stock for the early Saturday show and Quick Wits again for the late Saturday show. I am going to miss another weekend while I am in Oregon so I am trying to get as much as I can.

I have been thinking about auditioning for Quick Wits Salt Lake. I would just do some solo improv but then again I am just not sure about it. I was talking with Andrew about it the other day and I think that I would have fun with it but at the same time I just don't know.

Geez! I am tired. I need to sleep more. I just don't have time. I am really looking forward to Christmas. Nathan and I were at the mall the other day and it made me so anxious to start Christmas shopping. I love the decorations and the smells and it is just a nice time of year. My mom and dad will be in town too that is always a plus.

I have to get going... Working again. As usual. :wave:

​

 

[RainingStar]

* What am I doing? *

I don't really feel like myself lately. At all!!! :mope:

Not mentally not physically not anything. There are times when I realize that I am doing or saying something that I would usually not do or not say and I cannot stop it. It is so weird.

I have had no appetite for any kind of food for at least a week and a half, I have had a headache for two days, and I cannot sleep even though I am so tired. :bleagh:

My life in improv is odd too, but I put myself there. It goes back to the part when I wish I would just shut up. :tsk: I want to perform more and then again I don't. I perform every weekend with either Quick Wits or Laughing Stock and I love it, I love the people but I am so exhausted.

I exercise regularly I try to drink enough water, my eating habits are terrible! I don't eat bad food but I eat it at the wrong time and it is either too much or too little. I had a blood test taken to find out what kind of foods I am allergic to so I stop eating them. I have been reading a book about what foods you should be eating for your blood type to try and get my energy and metabolism back up.

I had a good time in Oregon with my family. My parents will be coming home for Christmas on December 19. I love it when they are here. For some reason it just makes everything better.

Things with Nathan are fine. I am comfortable with him but I miss Shawn. I will always be missing Shawn until he comes back and we figure out what is going to happen. Nathan knows. He is sweet to me, he does things that boyfriends do and I had forgotten about so many. He is chivalrous, and has his downfalls but they are the things that keep it from being too perfect and every relationship needs those.

I think that I am going to try and attend more rehearsals for improv. I would like to go and practice with some of the people at Off The Wall. My schedule has not allowed me too much time to do the things I would like. I miss the members of KYSOFF there is talk about a Christmas party to get together and have fun and catch up with the group I hope it happens. We were such a close group at one time I don't feel that closeness with Quick Wits or Laughing Stock. I mean of course there is a connection and we are close but these troupes have different people playing all of the time. KYSOFF was strictly KYSOFF I love that group. We had some problems but we were always able to work it out. I want everyone who was a part of it to get together, like I said we were awesome friends on stage and off. :blush:

Laine brought up an idea. Some troupes are doing head to head long form and she wants some girls to get together and do one. I would love it. I do not think that it will be the SLC Skirts because two of the members are not there. I think the SLC Skirts will always us five me, Laine, Jady, Lisa, and Emily. I cannot see it with anything else. It will just be a girl group which maybe will develop into something, but I love doing that because it shows people that we are just as good as the guys. Jen Weeks will be off her mission soon and I hope that she is still interested in improv when she gets here because she would be so much fun to play with in an all girl group. :up:

Oh I am so tired of my co-workers. My bosses highlight of the day is to look up dirty pictures on rotten.com and show them to everyone in the control room. :nervous: He laughs as if it is the most hilarious thing. It is just sick and lame I think that there maybe something wrong with him.

If I were to write a sketch about the people that I work with I would probably cover just about every type of personality that there is. There is one guy that I would love to throw something at every morning that I get here. He is a 35 year old who loves to use phrases such as " Well Spank You very much..." rather than Thank You and "Wow, are you serial?" Rather than serious and "Oh Grassy Ass," rather than Gracias. He has some sort of problem because he seriously snorts really loud every 5 minutes and smells bad and insists on being very close to your face when he speaks to you. That is just to name a few. :exp:

I should really turn him into an improv character. If I were to do some solo improv about work I bet it would be pretty entertaining. Ha ha.

All right well speaking of work I need to get back to it. Bye :wave:



​

 

[RainingStar]

* The Relationship verses The Hobby *

It is amazing how much finding someone to share your time and affection with can change your way of thinking. :bleagh:

First you want to stay close to your comfort zone because that is where you are safe. Then you start wanting to spend a lot of time with this person then you start to put this person over other things, and people that before were a lot more important to you.

It is almost scary how much it changes your way of thinking. Or maybe it is just a phase. Obviously you go through certain levels of commitment. The whole getting to know you period and wanting to spend all your time with that person, but it has been a while and I cannot remember what comes after that. I guess that I will find out.

I got my blood test back about the foods that my body reacts to. It is amazing what I never knew. People eat food everyday that is causing them to have allergic reactions that they may never know about. :tsk:
Since I have stopped eating those foods I do feel better but I still have no appetite and I just feel a little odd at times.

I did not perform on Friday night. I went out with some old friends and had a good time. It was nice to get away from everything for a few hours.

Saturday night I performed. I had a good time but there was something about it all that just did not feel right. I emceed the first show which I always like, Nathan even came to see it and brought his friend Jeremy who loved it. The second show I played on the team with Steve and Heather those two are both strong players and I think that we did fine. Our last game was Helping Hands which I personally do not like but oh well I guess it is all right on some occasion.

Jesse is putting together the KYSOFF Christmas Party which I am really looking forward to. I hope that everyone can make it. It is one of the highlights of my holiday. :up:

Laine is putting together the show for the head to head long form. 7 girls who are all strong players,oh we are going to have some FUN!!! It makes me happy when all of us girls can get up on stage and play together. Girls have this bad habit of tearing each other down which I am not innocent of but I am much better now than I used to be. It is just kind of a sad thing but when we get together and bond it amazing what we can do.

I am so grateful to have my very dear friend Abby. She is such a sweetheart and sometimes I do not know what I would do without her. She is a stress relief to me and I know that if I ever needed anything she would be right there and I would do the same for her. We laugh at everything, she has the same sense of humor as I do so it just makes everything really funny sometimes.

Anyway... I have to get going. Bye. ​

 

[RainingStar]

* Breaking it off *

I have changed. Things have changed. My way of thinking is different.

I am not happy. I have thought about this for a while and I have decided that the right thing for me to do right now is be single.

Nathan is a great person but he is not for me. I haven't told him yet but I have to. It is really hard with the holidays being so close.

The theatre in Clearfield is closing down. Everything seems to be changing all at once and I feel like a big decision is coming my way.

Happy Holidays everyone. KYSOFF had the holiday party last night and I was so happy to see everyone. I miss people. I did not feel right about Nathan being there and I was uncomfortable introducing him to everyone. He was being really odd. I have to end this.

I think that I am going to actually have some real New Resolutions this year that I can follow. ​

 

[RainingStar]

** Sudden Improvement **

Okay I am a little upset because I just took about half an hour and typed out what a good weekend I had and then it got deleted somehow.

So I am going to just try and sum it all up quick.

My situation with Nathan suddenly got better. Things seem to be going really well now and I do not know what changed but he seems happier and I am happier and everything is going really well. I went into detail about this on my deleted post but I don't have time so oh well. But I am still with him and things are great!

I played at OBT with Laughing Stock on Saturday and got hurt pretty bad playing half life but it was still pretty funny. I like playing there it is a lot of fun. The scene was about the Headless Horseman and somehow I ended up running straight into the horseman and we all fell to the ground of the stage. But we hit HARD!!! I have a bump on my forehead and huge bruise on my right thigh above my knee and another bruise on my left knee. But I am all right and the audience liked it.

My parents came into town and they brought me a very nice surprise that my dad built. A night stand and a bookshelf. I have been needing these things for a long time. So I am happy about that. I love my parents and I am so lucky to have them.

Everything else has been going really well I am finished Christmas shopping so yeah... I wish that my other post would not have been deleted but what can you do.

Have a Happy Holiday Everyone! :up:


​

 

[RainingStar]

* Trust No One *

For some odd reason it seems like every time I type out this nice long entry full of detail and great things it gets deleted or the power goes out or whatever.

Yes it has happened again. Sad isn't it. This was not today though it was last week. I haven't been able to get back to it.

This entry is about trust. I have always been a very trusting person. I trust people because they are my friends because we grow close because I would expect to recieve the same amount of respect from them that I have for them.

I am wrong. Oddly enough by the same group of people. The same three people to be exact. It is like they have a little circle between them that they only really see themselves in and their trust, friendship, and love for people can change with the snap of a finger.

Why are people like this? Seriously. What good does it do for anyone to be a liar. Or to hide who they really are and bring it out when you think it matters the most.

People act like children to make themselves feel better about themselves. I think that the word loyalty needs to be re-introduced to some people because they have forgotten the meaning to it or got the wrong idea from it.

That is all that I am going to say about that. These people might know who they are but if they don't I really don't care. I have given them enough of my attention. I am done with that.

New Years was a blast. I performed some shows with Laughing Stock all of which were sold out. I had such a good time. Getting to know all of these guys has been so much fun so far and I am still feel very lucky and so pleased to be a part of it all. After I performed I went to a little party that was going on and it was so fun. We all had a glass of Champagne to toast with at the stroke of New Years. It was fun but I was really tired.

Christmas was a lot of fun to. It was great. My parents are so wonderful. They are my greatest inspiration and I could not be happier. I just wish that they lived closer. I see so many peoples relationships to their family and they are all of course different. But I really cannot complain at all. I love them and though I am on my own now I would be lost without them.

The snow is beginning to drive me crazy. It has a peaceful sound and look but when you try to drive in it, it becomes a nightmare. I need to learn how to ski. Ha Ha... I have lived here all my life and still do not know.

I never wanted to know. But now I do. I have known one friend and one family member who were killed skiing. It always scared me. But it has to be an exhilerating experience or otherwise they would not have been up there. That is my drive to learn.

I have been thinking a lot lately about moving. To the coast east most likely but I do like the sound of Seattle. On the east I was thinking Boston, New York, or North Carolina. If I went to North Carolina I would know the first place to go to do improv. I love those guys. Had my class with Billy Merrit with them in New York I had a great time. I still keep in touch with some. I hope to see you guys this year though.

My best friend Yvonne is getting married for her second time. They have not set their date yet but I will be her maid of honor. She is such a sweet person. She will also be in my wedding if I ever get married. At the moment she is living in South Carolina so I told her that I would be there whenever she wanted. I have not seen her in over a year but I love her and I miss her so much. I would do anything for that girl. She is a person that I know I could trust with my life and she has proved it.

Well. I am registered to go back to school. That's right. I am going to finish. I will get a better job and be happier... Hopefully.

I have to get going. But I will write more when I can.​

 

[RainingStar]

* So, this is winter *

I am tired a lot lately. My work schedule isn't exactly sleep savvy. But what can you do. If all goes well I will soon have a full time positon and not have to wake up so early and can quit my other job and get my school schedule worked out and graduate.

I do have a good job but they are kind of cheap here which is odd because they make a lot of money daily. But they will schedule me 38 hours a week so they don't have to insure me. And they do that to everyone who is not full time it is really lame. I will start saving up to move away. Yay!

So I am in The Salt City Improv Troupe. I like the idea of this troupe because it is all for charity. I do not mind doing improv and not getting paid for it. It is a hobby I should be thankful that I get paid for it at all, and if I never did I would still be doing it. If anyone is in it for the money or gets mad that they don't get paid then they should not be doing improv.

There were quite a few people chosen for this troupe but some I have played with before which is awesome and others I now have the great opportunity of getting to know. I had a great time at the audition and I am sure that this is going to be a wonderful experience.

So I saw two movies this past weekend. "Lost In Translation," and "Big Fish." They were both superb movies. They were both exactly what I wanted them to be and what I needed to see at that time. Have you ever been to a movie hoping to get something out of it and you do. Yeah... Well, I did.

I went out with Abby the other night and I had a lot of fun. We talked about a lot of things and laughed about people who take things way to seriously especially improvisors we had fun though.

I also attended the Quick Wits workshop and I am so glad that I did. I got to hang out with Andrew who is such a great person to be friends with, he just has a light around him and it makes you feel important and good to be there. I also got to see Troy, Laine, Ben, Jon, Bobbie, Heather, Skaughtie, Alex, and also met some new people. It was fun.

I will be going to the second class tonight for Salt City Improv we will be talking about a lot things tonight and hopefully just playing some games.

Nathan and I are doing pretty well. When my truck broke down and I did not have it for a few days he was so sweet about it. He helped me out so much when that happened and if it hadn't have been for him I have no idea what I would have done. Abby also helped out quite a bit. So did Trax.

Nathan really surprises me sometimes. I think he likes it that way. He does a lot of little sweet gesstures that come from no where and it just makes me realize that I am a lucky person to have so many great people in my life.

Shawn wrote me an e-mail that made my day. There are so many things that I miss about him and I cannot wait until he comes back. I have been worried about it but I know that I shouldn't he has been my best friend and probably the closest person to me besides family ever. What ever is supposed to happen will.

I am at work and have to get back to it but this morning we did some pretty funny stories. One was about this woman in California who was at a restaurant eating some clam chowder and found a condom in it. Sick... She was going to sue but apparantly did not I am not sure why I wasn't paying attention.

I am very proud of myself though I have kept my New Year's Resolution so far of going to the gym three times a week and four if I can. I do weight training for about 45 minutes Cardio for about 30 minutes and then usually a pilates, yoga, or spinning class of some kind. It feels good to do that. And I am starting to see the changes in my body.

Okay I will write more soon. :wave: ​

 

[RainingStar]

* I hate goodbyes *

I had to say good bye to another friend last night. I cried.

In the past two and a half years the people I am closest to and love very much have left.

I said good bye last night to Jose. He actually left Utah to Venezuela a little while ago. But I am so thankful for Troy as well if it weren't for him I would not have been able to talk to Jose.

In the past few months Jose has called me three times. I missed all three calls. All times I saw my phone ringing and could not answer it. Either because I was at work or it was just out of my reach. We e-mail each other but a phone call is different.

Last night I was kind of avoiding all calls just because I didn't feel like talking to anyone. When Jose calls it comes up and uknown number, so I did not answer and then I got his message which said that he was about three hours away from leaving to the mission field and that he hoped I was well and than he would see me in a few years. I hurried and called Troy because I had a feeling that Jose would call him. I told Troy to have Jose call me back and sure enough with in ten minutes I got the call.

We didn't get to talk long and Jose sounded tired, but it was exactly what I needed and wanted. I have known Jose for about 5 years now. I have done both social and comedy improv with him and he is one of the most inspirational people that I know and he has a great way of cheering people up when they are down. He is honest, and has never judged anyone. He is one of my best friends, and I love him and I miss him. I hope that I can see him again in a few years I have a feeling that he is really going to do something amazing with his life. He has already changed mine and so many other peoples for the better just from knowing him.

To mention all the other people who have left to make a life for themselves else where or are just taking an adventure for a couple of years who I love and miss so much. My parents, Yvonne, Shawn, Zach, Jose, Emily, Jady, Ryan, Austin, Jen, and Luke.

It is always hard to say goodbye to people. It is harder to say goodbye to people that you are used to seeing everyday. But hopefully if all goes well I will be able to keep in touch with everyone. I have been doing a pretty good job of it so far.

Okay enough about that.

I have some tickets to some Sundance Film Festival shows this year. I am really looking forward to seeing them. I love Sundance it is a lot of fun to head up to Park City for a few days and just enjoy the sites and company.

That is really all that I have to say for now. More later. :wave:
-Erin ​

 

[RainingStar]

* My Shadow *

My New Year hasn't been what I would call great!

I had a terrible week two weeks ago, everything just went wrong and it didn't get better. But this isn't about that, it doesn't even matter anymore.

My Grandpa passed away yesterday morning. I was not prepared for that. But who is ever prepared. He has had alzheimers for about two years and hasn't been himself. A week and a half ago he had a stroke which only made things worse. He couldn't remember anything.

I guess that it is better this way because he is not suffering anymore. I have never lost any of my grandparents until now. I feel terrible. I feel sick, I feel extremely bad for my family. My dad, my grandma, aunts uncles. It has been a hard few years for all of them. It has not even been a year since my uncle was killed in an avalanche while skiing.

My parents are driving here from Oregon as I type this. I love seeing them but not for the reason.

Yesterday I stayed in bed all day. Except for 4 hours that I went to visit my sister. But other than that I really stayed in bed all day. I am not feeling like myself or real well but I just don't feel like doing anything at all! I had to come to work this morning and I am meeting with my Trolley Brawl 2 team tonight to talk about what we will be doing but I almost feel numb to everything.

I hate being lazy more than anything! But right now I just can't help it, and for the first time in a long time I just don't care. It feels weird. I can't even think of anything that I want to do. Usually I can always find something to pass the time but right now I just can't.

It will be a tough week to get through and in time I am sure things will get back to normal but when things like this happen at first it almost seems like the pain will never go away. I hate funerals and I will never understand an open casket funeral. I don't want to remember the last time for me seeing a person I love in a casket not even looking like themselves. I think that you can pay your respects without an open casket. It is traumatizing.

I also will never understand people who video tape funerals. Why would you do that?

Changing the subject. I have a lot of ideas running through my head for Trolley Brawl 2. I am not even sure if my team will be selected. But I hope so. I have my hopes high and things just keep coming to me. It gives me something to look forward to anyway.

I feel terrible for this but Bobbie has asked me to play in Improv Idol. At first I said yes then I thought about it and I didn't want to play so I said no. Then Heather called to try and talk me into it again and she did. I am very flattered by some of the things she said and the things that Bobbie has said to. But after this weekend, I just don't think I can do it. So I told him no once again. I will be in the audience, I just don't feel right about playing. Improv is about team work, not who the best is.

I don't really have anything else that I want to say for now.​

 

[RainingStar]

* Feeling Lost *

I am sad.

My parents went back to Oregon this morning. I stayed with them all week. I haven't really seen anyone else. I am so scared of losing them. Nothing seems well.

My Grandpa was one of the greatest men I knew. He had a sense of humor right up until the end. The service was beautiful. I just feel terrible. I learned a lot about my family history this week and it is nice because there was a lot that I never knew. I wish I would have known sooner.

I have never thought about not doing improv. It makes me happy. I have never had any doubts about it even when I did bad. Even when people tried to place restrictions on how often I played. I never wanted to quit. I love all the people my friends. I was asked to play at a few places this week and I turned them all down. I turned down improv idol. I am not feeling like myself. I am really excited to hear if my Trolley Brawl team gets selected I was really on top of it last week. But this week I am not. I have no desire to do anything at this moment. I hope that after the weekend I will be back on my feet again.

Work is not going well. My boss is a bad man. I have never met anyone like him. I have never met anyone who does everything only to benefit himself, who is always right even when he is wrong. I can't see him having many friends that actually respect him. He makes it hard to come to work sometimes. Especially lately. Maybe a better opportunity will come my way.

I can usually hide the way that I am feeling really well. I guess that is good sometimes because it makes me stronger. I haven't been able to really do that the past few days. I see that there is such importance and love in a family. We really came together this week. Why did it take losing a loved one to do that?

I am not sure what it will be like from here on out. Something is missing. In the past three years I have been to a lot of funerals. This one was too much. The last straw. I am so worried about everything and everyone. I keep telling everyone that I talk to to be careful and safe.

I keep wanting to sleep and dream so I don't have to be sad anymore but I can't even sleep lately. I know that things will get better. I know that I will be fine. I just need some time.

Sorry if you read this and feel sorry that was not my intention. I just wanted to write it down. Sometimes that helps. ​

 

[RainingStar]

* When it Rains it Pours! *

Nothing has gotten better since I last wrote.

For a minute I thought that it might but then it just got worse! Nathan and I broke up. It wasn't a bad break-up but it still happened. I didn't get the job that I have been waiting to hear about for 4 months, and an underqualified person got it because my boss gets favors from her dad. The worst part of it is that there is nothing that I can do about it.

I don't hate people I really don't, I really try hard to see the good in everyone but I am having a lot of troubles doing that lately with my boss. My friends have been so wonderful to me, I could never ask for more. I feel alone but when someone calls me to do something I turn them down, I just feel like staying home or being alone, that doesn't make much sense.

I try to sleep all the time, I can't get any sleep! I try to exercise everyday and end up doing half of it every other day. I am sad. I will not let myself fall into depression. I have been through worse before.

I am hoping that all of this is happening because there is something better that is waiting for me but I have to find it.

I want to do improv but I feel like I have to push myself to do it, I have never had to do that before. I can get through this I have to. This little rain cloud will pass by, and soon I hope!

I miss my mom and dad, I miss Shawn, I miss Yvonne, and Zach. These are my best friends, I have been through so much with them. Shawn comes back in 6 months but that scares me too.

This is a sad and sappy journal entry but I had to type it out.

I am feeling more ambition to get myself going to find something else but it is just really hard. I didn't really realize that Nathan helped me feel important in his life, he cared. Maybe it wasn't the healthiest realationship and he may have had some anger issues with the world (not towards me) but at the same time he made me feel important and needed. I guess that is a positive thing about having a relationship with someone.

Things will work out. They always do. But I don't want to feel like my life is passing by. I think I need to move or make a big change! There is a positive side to everything! ​