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I'm not exactly sure why I am writing this. It's been almost a year now since I charged into our room, looked you in the eye and told you to move out. It is probably highly abnormal to still dwell on a relationship that was really over almost two years ago when you first betrayed my trust. I don't really know why some part of me insists on rehashing the same old feelings and frustrations, but I'm hoping that by putting some of these thoughts into words I can finally put everything behind me and move on.
I mean, fuck, it's not even like I still love you or anything. I haven't even talked to you in over a month. Realistically looking back on things, you were never really "good" for me. I was young and inexperienced when I threw away a couple of good friendships to be with you. At the time this seemed like an acceptable loss to be with "the girl of my dreams". However, in my dreams was the only place you were really that perfect girl. I've come to learn that "the girl of my reality" is what I should really be looking for.
We both knew it from the beginning and you said it yourself on a few occasions. You were selfish. A taker. You always made sure that all of your own needs came first. But hey, it takes two to tango, right? Yeah, I was a submissive little bitch. I waited on you hand and foot because I thought that was what a good boyfriend did (again with the inexperience). Looking back on things with a clear head, I can't believe how I acted. You had your own little butler/waiter/chauffeur and all you had to do was fuck me and say "I love you" once in awhile. Pretty sweet deal... no wonder it lasted almost a year the first time.
But hey, I'm not trying to make myself out to look like some kind of angel here or anything. My reasons for acting that way were selfish in a way as well. I did things for you that I didn't want to do because I hoped you would do the same for me. I can't really be pissed off because you used a weakness of mine to get what you wanted. I guess it's only human.
I can, however, be pissed off about you using this weakness to it's ultimate conclusion. Making dinner or driving you to the mall is one thing. Cheating on me and expecting me to take you back when you realized the guy was just using you for sex is another. I mean ultimately it's really my own damn fault for actually taking you back at this point. But in my defense, we were actually dealing with very strong emotional feelings at this point... at least from my side.
You know, that brings up one of the things I always meant to say to you, but was only able to dance around when we were still together for fear of hurting you. I know for a fucking fact that I loved you more than you loved me. Actions speak louder than words. You cheated on me. That act says more than any bullshit words you would have to say about "confusion" or "mistakes". The way I felt, there was no room for any fucking mistakes. God knows I had the opportunities... I was a freshman in college for fuck's sake.
Don't you remember what would happen any time I would bring up any doubts I had about your actually caring as much for me as I did for you? You would act all hurt and offended that I would even say such a thing. "You don't trust me, do you?", you would say with a hurt look on your face. At that point I would always cave and say "Of course I do..." when in my mind I was screaming "NO FUCKING SHIT I DON'T TRUST YOU! YOU HAVE ACTUALLY PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE UNTRUSTWORTHY!" What did you expect? Honestly.
I'm feeling sick just thinking about it right now, so I'm going to stop there for today. I'll just end this letter with this: Fuck you for taking my love for granted and fuck you for throwing it away like it was worth fuckall. Fuck. Fuck fuckcfuckfuckfuck. FUCK. And get out of my godamn head already.
I mean, fuck, it's not even like I still love you or anything. I haven't even talked to you in over a month. Realistically looking back on things, you were never really "good" for me. I was young and inexperienced when I threw away a couple of good friendships to be with you. At the time this seemed like an acceptable loss to be with "the girl of my dreams". However, in my dreams was the only place you were really that perfect girl. I've come to learn that "the girl of my reality" is what I should really be looking for.
We both knew it from the beginning and you said it yourself on a few occasions. You were selfish. A taker. You always made sure that all of your own needs came first. But hey, it takes two to tango, right? Yeah, I was a submissive little bitch. I waited on you hand and foot because I thought that was what a good boyfriend did (again with the inexperience). Looking back on things with a clear head, I can't believe how I acted. You had your own little butler/waiter/chauffeur and all you had to do was fuck me and say "I love you" once in awhile. Pretty sweet deal... no wonder it lasted almost a year the first time.
But hey, I'm not trying to make myself out to look like some kind of angel here or anything. My reasons for acting that way were selfish in a way as well. I did things for you that I didn't want to do because I hoped you would do the same for me. I can't really be pissed off because you used a weakness of mine to get what you wanted. I guess it's only human.
I can, however, be pissed off about you using this weakness to it's ultimate conclusion. Making dinner or driving you to the mall is one thing. Cheating on me and expecting me to take you back when you realized the guy was just using you for sex is another. I mean ultimately it's really my own damn fault for actually taking you back at this point. But in my defense, we were actually dealing with very strong emotional feelings at this point... at least from my side.
You know, that brings up one of the things I always meant to say to you, but was only able to dance around when we were still together for fear of hurting you. I know for a fucking fact that I loved you more than you loved me. Actions speak louder than words. You cheated on me. That act says more than any bullshit words you would have to say about "confusion" or "mistakes". The way I felt, there was no room for any fucking mistakes. God knows I had the opportunities... I was a freshman in college for fuck's sake.
Don't you remember what would happen any time I would bring up any doubts I had about your actually caring as much for me as I did for you? You would act all hurt and offended that I would even say such a thing. "You don't trust me, do you?", you would say with a hurt look on your face. At that point I would always cave and say "Of course I do..." when in my mind I was screaming "NO FUCKING SHIT I DON'T TRUST YOU! YOU HAVE ACTUALLY PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE UNTRUSTWORTHY!" What did you expect? Honestly.
I'm feeling sick just thinking about it right now, so I'm going to stop there for today. I'll just end this letter with this: Fuck you for taking my love for granted and fuck you for throwing it away like it was worth fuckall. Fuck. Fuck fuckcfuckfuckfuck. FUCK. And get out of my godamn head already.