After the Fire

[Hollywood]

Dear You-Know-Who,

It has been nearly 3 years since you lived here and I feel as though you could walk back in at any moment. I dream about you. Crazy dreams, dreams about impossible situations. I don't think you'll ever know how much I loved you and still love you. I hope you find someone who will love you as much, but I doubt that's possible.

When you left, you told me that I deserved someone who loves me as much as I love you. I think I might have found that someone. She is wonderful. I only hope that I can be worthy of her love. I only hope that the enormous loss that I feel can be forgotten at some point.

What we had was very special. I know that you will figure that out too at some point in your life.

I don't want you to come back.

I don't want you to read this.

I just need to get it out of my system.

I hope you're able to find whatever happiness you are looking for.

I miss you.

Love,
Your Ex-Husband

 

[Hollywood]

Consider this.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy.

If we're happy, then all we'll do is sit on our contented asses and nothing will ever get accomplished.

I seem to operate on rage these days. I'm not as sad as I am angry.

I feel like the Talking Heads song. This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful car. This is not my beautiful wife... etc. etc. etc.

I am a male in my late 30's who had my life taken from me and am currently being forced to rebuild.

I titled this journal "After the Fire" because of the Roger Daltrey song of the same name. I have experienced the fire and I want it back.

I once had a job that I loved. I was the Director of Technical Operations for a small business. Small business owner sold company to much larger company, much larger company decided to consolidate (READ: CLOSE MY OFFICE) and in the process of using me to help them CLOSE MY OFFICE, I decided they could take my job away from me but I would be damned rather than helping them, so I quit.

Turns out being damned is a sucky way to be.

First, I spent 7 months unemployed. Nevermind that I've been in the computer industry for nearly 20 years. Nevermind that everywhere I've ever worked, I've ALWAYS moved up. I don't have any certification. These days, people want a piece of paper that says you know what you're doing. I never worried about it because I never had to.

When I finally did get a job, I got a job that pays barely enough to pay the bills and could be done by a lobotomized monkey. Let me clarify on the salary: I make a little over $38K per year, which by itself isn't bad, but I inherited all of the debt from my marriage and I am barely floating on that money. I have about $250/month to feed me and 5 dogs and come through with any emergency needs that may (and do) arise.

*NOTE* I'll talk about the dogs in a post soon, I promise.

I went from Director of Technical Operations to a job whose greatest challenge is installing Microsoft Office on 40 computers in a day.

I hate it with a passion.

There is no chance for advancement. My title is Assistant Network Administrator but it might as well be Chief Surgeon because neither is the truth. The Network Administrator is a fucking type A control freak who refuses to share information because of his theory on job security. And unfortunately, he's right. I would take his job if he gave me the opportunity. No one in my workplace has a nice opinion of him except his wife and I sometimes wonder about her.

Meanwhile, I am loved by all.

*pats self on back*

I am Assistant Network Administrator and the only Adminstrator passwords that I have are those for computers that I personally have setup. The main servers are off-limits to me. I have no idea what damage I would do to them, seeing as how I passed all of the security clearances to get this piece of shit job in the first place, but somehow I'm a threat.

So I'm ready to quit again.

This time I'm going to be prepared. I've made an arrangement with my Dad to loan me the money for the MCSE (Microsoft Certified System Engineer) Exam. In order to be certified, you have to pass 7 tests at $125 per test. $875 to get a better job is not a bad deal at all.

I don't have to do any coursework simply because with my experience comes loads of knowledge. I'm CLEPPING the MCSE.

But at the same time, I'm still aggravated that I have to go in deeper debt to get a piece of paper that should just be given to me out of experience, but whatever.

The problem is I hate my job still and I am finding it increasingly difficult to show up. I called in sick Tuesday and Wednesday. I am really sick, stress-related though it may be. But I look at all the 'troopers' out there doing jobs that are much more demeaning than mine and I know they have to hate it, yet they still show up.

So I'm having this hate thing with myself because I'm a prima donna. And I don't know how to just buckle down and do what has to be done to pay my fucking bills. It's real easy to say "Just do it" and know that I'm one day closer to a new job each day, but every morning is a fight for me.

Part of it is the lack of hope.

Even though I have goals here, I am consciously aware that I am undertaking a huge risk by putting myself back into the job market again. What if I get that dream job again and it's swept out from under me again? The first time it happened, my marriage disintegrated and I came within a hair of killing myself, spent two months in intensive group therapy and now spend some time daily questioning my very sanity.

Can I survive that twice? Do I even want to risk it?

My job sucks but it's cushy and secure. Short of a military takeover of the country, I have a job no matter what. And even though it's not even remotely stimulating to me, do I want to risk losing that kind of security? How hard is it to install software on computers all fucking day? I tell myself that it could be a lot worse, but it doesn't help. I know what I'm capable of doing and I apparently won't be satisfied until I'm doing it.

Fucking Prima Donna.

So are we supposed to be happy?