A state of awe

[Ghoti]

Hi there. I, like many people posting here, have been introduced to this wonderful site by way of a link to Ali Davis' journal, back when she was still writing it.

I've been lurking for quite a while, reading many of the journals here, and even some of the threads in the Improv section of this place. Though I have no personal experience with Improv, nor have I seen it live, it certainly interests me, and some threads have been quite enlightneing indeed.

The idea of starting my own little journal here has been bouncing around my head for the past few months, and finally crystalised into intent a couple days ago.

While it seems that there has been a little bit of hostility toward so-called 'Randoms' of late, I solemnly vow not to post dozens of one-line posts hither and yon all over the place.

I'm going to use this journal to share many things with you, Gentle Reader. Primarily interesting happenings at work.

Ah, work. Here is where we come to the source of the name I have chosen for this journal. Like a few other journal-keepers here, I work at a tech support helpdesk. This particular call center is for a regional telephone company and Internet service provider. Few of you outside the state I live in will have heard of it; this is no big national outfit I work for.

Before I started working here, I'd heard all the joke/stories: The broken cup holer, the guy whose computer isn't working, but can't be looked at too closely because the power is out, so many others. Some are exaggeration, some have basis in fact. The more I work here, the more I'm sure that it's fact- the ability of people to have a selective inability to parse directions given in their native tongue, be it vrebally or in writing, simply astounds me.

And so, I will start off this journal with an excerpt from a call I took yesterday. Naturally, these conversations will be edited to keep any company names and personal information obfuscated properly.

One of the more frustrating elements of the job I have is giving people their passwords. With so many letters of the English alphabet sounding similar (S and F; E, B, D, and V; C and Z, for example), we use the normal method of having a sort of phonetic alphabet (F as in fantastic, for instance). Sometimes, as you will see, this isn't as helpful as it ought to be:

Ghoti: "Your new password will start with the letter 'X', as in, 'Xanadu'."
User: "'Z', got it."
Ghoti: "No, not the letter 'Z'. The letter 'X', as in 'X-Ray'."
User: "Sorry. So 'R' then.."
Ghoti: "No, not the letter 'R'. Not the letter 'Z'. The letter 'X'. 'X', as in 'X Marks the Spot', or 'Xanadu', or 'X-Ray', or 'Xylophone', or 'X-Men', or 'Planet X'. The third-from-the-last letter of the English alphabet. 'X'."
User: "So the password so far is Z, R, P?"

 

[Ghoti]

Public Service Announcement

Being that I work tech support, and have been dealing with this issue all week long, I suppose I should comment a little bit on this MS-Blast worm that's floating around the 'Net for the past several days.

This worm exploits a flaw in versions of Microsoft Windows built upon Windows NT; to wit: Windows NT, Windows 2000, and Windows XP. The flaw had been corrected some time ago by an aptly named 'Critical Update', but many people don't bother to get said updates, thus allowing this little beastie to spread like wildfire.

Because it exploits a networking security hole, this virus (technically a worm, but bear with me) does not need to be attached to a file; it can directly affect or infect your computer through a network (such as the Internet). To use an analogy of actual biological virii, this is more like an airborne virus, as opposed to the less virulent kind that needs body fluids (or, in our analogy, a file) to be transferred.

This kind of debacle is exactly why it's rather important to check the Windows Update web site every week or two. Yes, even if you have Windows XP- It's auto-updater doesn't get all of the updates.

So please, people, keep your operating system up-to-date.

Incidentally, if any of you are having trouble with this worm (or with your computer in general), feel free to PM or email me. I'm really not as angry as I can sometimes sound; I do enjoy helping people- that's why I have the job that I do.

I've seen mentions of computer troubles now and then in some of the journals that I read here, and I've refrained from offering advice mainly because I wasn't sure if advice was wanted. Now that I'm here and y'all can see that I'm here, again, there's an open offer for free computer help.

 

[Ghoti]

Context, people. Context.

Anyone ever get one of those calls through a Voice Relay Service?

It's actually a really nice system set up for the deaf. They connect via a modem to an operator at a computer. They type to the operator, the operator reads the text to the person called, and types the replies back as text to the caller.

Personally, I think this a wonderful thing that allows people who can sometimes be obstructed by the audiocentricity of the world to intreact with people when they need to.

Unless the intermediary providing the service is a moron:

*Ring ring*
Me: "MyISP Tech Support, this is Ghoti, how may I be of assistance today?"

Luser: "This is IP Relay, do you know how to use the relay service for the deaf?"

Me: "Yes."

Operator: "One moment.. 'Hi, my name is Karen, and I'm having trouble getting my email,' go ahead."

Me: "What error messages, if any are you getting?"

Operator: "Operator here, were you talking to me or to the caller?"

Me: "To the caller. It was my understanding that I was to address the caller directly."

Operator: "Operator here: Do not talk directly to me, talk directly to the caller."

Me: "I wa-- *sigh* What error messages, if any are you getting?"

Operator: "'It says there's some sort of password problem, and keeps asking me for my password,' go ahead."

Me: "May I have the username on your account please?"

Operator: "'Comdel,' go ahead."

Now, I checked for a user, 'comdel'. No such user. Nor is there a 'comdell', or 'commdel', or 'commdell'.

Me: "Could you spell that for me please?"

Operator: "Operator here. Please do not talk to me; please address the caller directly."

Now, I remind you, it's already spelled out, as the Operator is getting the information form Karen in text form. If I sent you an email asking you to add me to your AIM Buddy List saying "Add me; my screen name is 'NotMyScreenName'!", would you reply asking me how to spell it?

Didn't think so. Now back to our regularly scheduled inanity:

Me: "Could. You. Spell. That. For. Me. Please?"

Operator: "'Comdell,' go ahead."

Me: "Operator, I need the exact spelling of that username. Spell it for me please."

Operator: "Operator here. Please do not talk to me; please address the caller directly."

Me: "I did, and you are not transliterating correctly. I asked for a spelling. Spell it please."

Operator: "Operator here. Please do not talk to me; please address the caller directly."

Me: "I'm sorry, Karen, but the imtermediary on this call is not spelling the username you have spelled for me, and I cannot decipher the spelling from what she is saying. Perhaps, by typing this to you, she may gain a sense of context and realise that when I ask for a spelling, I need the word spelled, letter by letter. May I have the spelling of your username one more time, please?"

Operator: "Operator here. Please do not talk to me; please address the caller directly."

Me: "I was."

Operator: "One moment.. 'Comdell', go ahead."

Me: "How thick are you?"

Then, I unmuted the phone. Ultimately, I was able to get the username and help the person, whose username absolutely nothing like 'comdell', spelling-wise, or phonetically, even if spoken like a word.

Obviously, I cannot give the whole username, but it started with the letter 'R', which, last I checked, sounded nothing like 'C' or 'K'.

 

[Ghoti]

How in the...

Okay, so a user calls in, and I look up their account. Here's one of the notes in the account history:

Madien name changed 1/19/02

Is this possible?

 

[Ghoti]

Swinging large objects

I have a coworker who's really starting to annoy me. Let's call him Tourette's Guy.

(I don't wish to offend anyone by using the name of a neurological disorder as a not-exactly-complimentary name for a coworker, but to be perfectly honest, it's the most apropos monicker I could come up with)

Actually, let me take a step back here, and set the scene a little bit.

The office we work in is not exactly huge, and we share the room with Sales and Accounts. There are two sets of half-cubes, which means that sound actually carries rather well. This is great when asking questions of coworkers, but rather a pain in other cases. I'll get to that.

Most of us, as do (I imagine) most people that have talk-on-the-phone-all-day jobs, use headsets rather than handsets for our telephones. One of the nifty features of these is the 'mute' button, which prevents the person on the other end from hearing anything the mic picks up.

I use this when I'm going to put someone on hold for two seconds so that I can sneeze, clear my throat, and that sort of thing, and I also use it as my 'hold' button when a customer complains about our (admittedly terrifyingly horrid) hold queue music. I have a feeling that some of you Gentle Readers can see where this is going.

Tourette's Guy (TG) loves his mute botton. I've never seen him not use it over the course of a call. He uses it in mid-sentence quite often. Like this:

Double-click the 'My Computer' icon you f*cking moron and open up 'Dial-up Networking'.

The text in that quote which is in bold is where he mutes his phone, and shouts.

Yes, shouts. Well, not shouts as such. More of a really loud talk. Such that can be heard from the opposite corner of the room quite clearly, over all the ambient conversations in the room.

And since I sit right next to him, guess who isn't supposed to hear that, and does?

That's right: the people whom I am trying to help. "What did you just say?" "Er, sorry, that wasn't me; a co-worker's computer just crashed. Heh heh. Anyway.."

I'm getting tired of covering for this tripe. And when asked to kindly knock it off, he agrees and immediately forgets the agreement.

He's developed a new habit over the past few weeks, though, and I'm not sure if it's better or worse than the cursing. Now he hits things. With other things. For example, his desk, with a large, hard plastic wrist-rest attachment for a keyboard. WHAP! :exp:

Other coworkers and I routinely raid his work area for things that would be rather loud when hititng a desk, and confiscate them.

 

[Ghoti]

Some names have been changed to protect the incompetent.

Sometimes, I have the honor of handling our tech-support email queue rather than the phones. This can be a good thing and a bad thing:

If they're emailing me, that's good because they have internet access, and I can send them step-by-step directions, or links to utilities they may need (foe example, Windows Updates, or virus removal tools).

I also don't have to talk to them.

It's not so good though, when I need to decipher what's apparently been translated from English to German to Martian to Esperanto, back to English at the Babelfish:

Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2003 22:17:54 -0800
From: [articulate user] <[Username]@[myisp].net>
To: support@[myisp].net
Subject: UP SET WITH THIS

I WANT TO KNOW WAY I HAVE THREE DIFFERENT THING TURNING UP ON MY SCREEN? #1 I HAVE [Username] # 2 I HAVE [Another username]@[Other ISP's incomplete domain] pop3 #3 [A third username] pop3 AND THEN THERE IS # 4 . CONNECTION EVERY TIME I TRY TO GO ON LINE I GET THEM ALL TO SING IN. THERE ARE ONLY TWO THAT I NEED [Username] AND [Third username] SO HOW DO I GET THE OTHERS OUT IT IS VERY MADING TO HAVE TO SING IN EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND. ONCS I GET ON LINE ONE OR MORE SHOW UP AND I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE THING ALL OVER AGAINAND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I'M A LITTLE SICK OF IT THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP, SINCERLEY [Username]

Wow. Just.. wow.

 

[Ghoti]

We do phones, too.

I'm not just internet tech support. I do phones, too. A customer called a couple minutes ago asking "How do I know if a number I'm dialing is long-distance or not?"

I actually had to think about that for a second. It's one of those things that just makes so much sense you can't figure it out sometimes, I guess.

"Do you have to dial one and an area code first, sir?"

"No."

"Well, it must be a local area number then."

"Oh, okay, thanks!"'

On another note, Tourette's Guy is being unusually calm today. At least so far. ... Hmm, as I typed that, he just busted out with "You're full of sh*t." I didn't know that the 'speak of the devil' thing worked for typing as well.

Guess you learn something every day.

 

[Ghoti]

The most bizarre call of all time.

Well, this doesn't happen every day:

*ring ring*
Ghoti: "MyISP Tech Support, this is Ghoti, how may I be of assistance this afternoon?"
Caller: "I'm having trouble connecting to the Internet."
Ghoti: "What error messages, if any, are you getting?"
Caller: "I don't remeber, I think it.. "

I then heard retching sounds, and a splashing sound, and some explosive coughing. After a moment, another retching and splash/splat sound, and some more coughing.

uke:

Caller: "I'll, eh... callyaback"*click*

Made my day, that call did. No one in the office believed me until htey called back and apologized. (!)

 

[Ghoti]

For your own protection

We here at [My ISP] have something in our account notes called a Challenge Question. This is a question that we can ask our users to verify over the phone, because presumably only the user and we know the answer to it. The most common Challenge Question is 'What is your mother's maiden name?", because that is the example our Accounts people give when folks are creating accounts.

The Challenge Question is the only way we're allowed to verify the identity of a caller over the telephone. If they can't give the answer on file, or they don't have one, I cannot, for example, give out a password over the phone.

For the accounts that do not use "Mother's maiden name", we have a fairly bipolar smattering of very good and very bad Challenge Questions.

For example, here are some very good Challenge Questions (with some edits, just to be on the safe side):

Q- What is your mother's maiden name?
A- April 5, 1863

Q- How many people have you killed?
A- Four

Q- What is 2+2?
A- Why does it matter?

And here are some very bad ones that I've seen:

Q- What is your name?
A- John Smith*

Q- What is H2S04?
A- Sulfuric acid

Q- What is your username?
A- username*

Q- What is 2+2?
A- Four.

The ones with the answer marked with a * are the user's actual name/username.

Seems fairly straightforward, right? Not to this guy:

*ring ring*
Ghoti: MyISP Tech Support, how may I assist you this morning?
User: I forgot my password, can you give it to me?
Ghoti: I may be able to; can I have your username please?
User: Uhhh, it was something@myisp.net.
Ghoti: Well, that's part of your email address, but you're missing the part that I need. What is the 'something'?
User: Oh, it's [username].
Ghoti: Thank you. Hold on one moment while I look up your account.. Okay, sir, I can give you your password, but only if you can answer the Challenge Question, which is: Where did you learn Esperanto?"
User: I don't know Esperanto.
Ghoti: That's not the answer I have on file. Without the correct answer, I cannot give you your password over the phone.
User: But I don't know Esperanto, I just need my password! Why can't you give it to me?
Ghoti: Because you are unable to answer the Challenge Question that you selected when you set the account up. The Challenge Question is the only way that I am authorized to give out passwords over the telephone, and--
User: But I don't care about your quesiton, I just want my password!
Ghoti: I understand this, sir. Let me ask you this--
User: I told you, I don't know Esperanto!
Ghoti: I wasn't going to ask you that.
User: Oh.
Ghoti: How would you feel if someone esle called, gave me your username, and no other information (which is what you have done), and I have them your password?
User: That would be absolutely unacceptable! You're not giving my password out to anyone that calls, are you?
Ghoti: Exactly my point. No, I am not; I can only give passwords to people that can answer their Challenge Question, and you have not.
User: But I'm not someone else, I'm me, and I just need my password!
Ghoti: Then you have to either answer the Challenge Question, or I can mail the welcome letter, which includes your password, to the address we have on file for your account.
User: Hmm. Okay, do that please.
Ghoti: Do you still live at 123 Maple Street?
User: No, I moved 4 months ago. Can you send it to my new address?
Ghoti: You didn't update your address information with our Accounts department when you moved? I can only send the mailing to the address we have on file, for the same reason that I can only give the password to someone that's answered the Challenge Question.
User: Fine, I'll call back later, when there's someone helpful that I can talk to. *click*