A slightly schizophrenic look at Lala Land

[innovative_hate]

coopers, tauregs, phaetons...

He knew when I got home (still feels weird to say/type that) that something was bothering me. He listened patiently as I vented about Gunther - he stroked my hair as I explained how difficult it was. He told me it would be ok and then asked me what I was going to do. And even though I still don't have (even the semblance of) a solution, I feel better.

Did I mention that the Miami trip has been postponed? until the end of May - that's good - let me recuperate a little from the Colorado trip.

Went to price our shirts today - too expensive to be worth it, so we're going to make them ourselves - either online or get that iron-on t-shirt transfer paper.

SB decided we're going to get haircuts before we go - I have been wanting one for about 3 months now - so that's cool.

Not much happened yesterday besides the car stuff.

I still need someone to take me to and from the airport. I still need a library card. Maybe today - I say that everyday.

OH! He gave me closet space...haha! I was just going to use one of the other closets (give me more room) but he wouldn't have it. He moved his clothes over to give me room for my stuff. It's still not enough, but I don't have enough hangers anyway and I just think it's sweet that he WANTS me to use that closet...too bad he can't tell me - patience

He's going to S. Florida this weekend - I think he wants me to go with him - I'm not sure though - he keeps saying, 'you know where this place is right, so we don't have to get directions' almost as if he just assumes I'm going with him. I think this is interesting because when I have to take these long road trips, I never assume he's going with me, but he keeps using 'we' and none of his friends will go. I guess if it comes down to it, I will go with him - though I'm a bit afraid of how it will be with him in a car for 4 hours - if he'll get cranky - but that's a good indicator of who a person is, I think (as if I haven't been living there for the past 3+ months). I guess I should find out if that's what I'm doing this weekend. If not, I think I'll clean - you know, out with the old, in with the new.

*You're the person I never knew I needed*


I don't know if it's the Wellbutrin or not, but my ears keep pounding. It's strange - the ringing, I know is the wellbutrin - but this is new...

I was hearing voices the other day - sounded like the radio but they're getting easier to understand now than they were before. They're pretty mean characters - I don't like it! They remind me that I'm fat and ugly...argh!

10 more? Is that possible?

A final thought before departing...I just got an email from one of our clients - I've decided he's pretty cool - despite how much I despised him in the beginning - I think he's probably a big dork - like me.

*Full is not heavy as empty, not nearly my love, not nearly*

 

[innovative_hate]

highlights and lowlights

I know it might sound superficial, but I had a dream about my hair last night. yep, about my hair - SB told me to get highlights - weird. they looked really good though.

I have too many people with the same initials - so, SCB (the man) will now be known as...Sarcastro! =)

ok, so, this is the email I got from him: This dude was well something was off By the way I hate public bathrooms I almost passed out from the stench is one supposed to use punctuation

Yeah, he's a dork and I still don't fully grasp what he was saying but apparently my response:
punctuation.is.optional.
at least you didn't run all the words together.
let me see if I got this right - This dude thought, "well, something was off by the way I hate public bathrooms. I almost passed out from the stench of punctuation".
Is that right?
=)
I hate public bathrooms too.
was wrong. I can't say for sure - but his response to my happiness about not running all the words together was to, of course:
Noiwasjustrunningallmythoughtstogetherdoyouknowwhatiamtalkingaboutyouarentsupposedtoaddpunctuationtomysentencestoyouunderstandwhatthehelliamtalkinboutbythewayihopeyouarehavingagoodday
run all the words together. *sigh* boys...

Sarcastro started talking yesterday about children's names. I'm not sure what that means to me, if anything. perhaps it doesn't concern me at all, but I don't think that guys usually talk about that type of stuff with their friends, do they?

I talked to my dad today. Apparently my step-brother got married without telling anyone. My stepmom found out and he said the reason he didn't tell was because he was scared. scared? he's 27 years old. He doesn't live at home. He's in the Navy. He was scared. ok.

background: my dad is certifiably insane/unstable actually, he's got a 'certificate' that says he's a sociopath. interesting, huh? heredity much?

of course, my older brother is diagnosed bipolar. i was too, but I just think I was in a rough patch of my life. My real problem is my complete lack of self-worth...but other than that, I'm fine! I feel that as long as I can recognize the intrinisic value of others as more than a means to an end - as an end in and of themselves, then I'm doing well. It's when people forget that that there are problems.

*I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag*

 

[innovative_hate]

grey hair and good friends...

I was just in the bathroom washing my hands, happened to glance into the mirror and there it was - staring at me - and I'm not referring to my own reflection. I'm referring to the grey hair. Just one (that I saw) about 5" long with about 1" of the end still red like the rest of my hair. So, it started growing in normal and then, for some reason, changed it's mind and became grey.

I'm not sure what to do with this infomation. I've found grey hair before - but I was younger then and thought it was cool. Now that I'm approaching 30, I find it difficult to wrap my brain around it. Sarcastro has grey hair - a lot of grey hair - to the point where he would be considered 'salt and pepper' - it's that noticable and he's not 30 yet. He said he's been going grey for quite a few years now. It looks good on him. *mmmmmmm...* Sorry - mental lapse in any direction of this post - just started thinking about him...

*slap, slap*

sorry, I'm back. I woke up at 6am (like usual) and got out of bed. I went to the closet, got a pair of pants and started to walk towards the bathroom. Sarcastro was standing beside the bed asking me, in that half-asleep way, if I heard the doorbell. I said no (because I hadn't). I finished getting ready and woke him at 7 (like usual) and he said that the doorbell was actually in his dream but it sounded so real that it woke him up.

I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats with anticipation: The dream: A guy dressed all in black could walk on ceilings and was chasing us. He wanted to kill us and knew where we lived - he rang the doorbell. Sarcastro is not sure why he rang the doorbell, but we agreed that it was quite nice of him to warn us of his arrival.

I always saw grey hair as a sign of wisdom - but now that I have one - I don't feel anymore wise. In fact, I'm just as lost as I was before I had it - therefore, I am vetoing anymore grey hairs. I am forbidding anymore from appearing on my head. If they want to contest that matter, a written objection is required and each will be considered on a case by case basis.

I was starting dinner last night and kind of talking to myself. Sarcastro was outside smoking a cigarette, on the phone with his friend. He walked in to hear me having a discussion with myself. He asked, "What?"
I kind of smiled (a bit embarrassed) and said, "oh, I'm just talking to myself. You know, I'm my own best friend".
I turned away to finish preparing everything to be cooked, and he came up behind me, put his arms around my waist - bent down so he could kiss my neck and said, "well, I hope I fit somewhere in there". (was it the last post or the post before that where I said he's my best friend?) we're either on the same page or he reads this...(which I doubt - and pray he doesn't)
"oh yes! you do! I think you're a better friend to me than I am to myself". And I was/am serious about that. I am awful to myself. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be my friend...but it seems I'm stuck with me...and I've also noticed that I treat those outside of myself with much more care and concern than I do myself - because why? Because I don't see the value in myself - see, it all comes back to that.

I understand why people would want me around - I'm very nice! (that sounded terrible, I'm just trying to illustrate a point). I'm nice, even if I'm not particularly useful - I will do anything in my power to help those I care about - and I guess somewhere in there I should be able to identify my value as a human - but I dismiss it or it gets lost in translation - I'm not sure, but this is something I struggle with and will attempt to overcome - especially now that the grey hairs are appearing! It's time to be an adult and respect myself! It's time to foster my wisdom and gain perspective and insight from my past experiences!

isn't it enough that a garden is beautiful without having to believe there are faeries at the bottom of it too? - Douglas Adams​

</HTPDIV>

 

[innovative_hate]

page 4 of 4 and nothing new to report...

except that's not the case. That's not the case at ALL!

It seems so much has happened, but the weekend - though uneventful in the physical sense - was all sorts of enlightening in the spirtual/mental sense.

Where to begin...I didn't get to post on Friday because the boss-man sent us home early - there was really nothing going on and it was so quiet, it was bordering on a cacophany of silence!

I think something happened on Friday, but as that was so long ago, I don't remember and will, at this point, refrain from trying to remember:
alas, I remember too easily! so, here is what happened on Thursday night that I didn't get to write on Friday:
Thursday night, lying in bed, Sarcastro was commenting about how much he loves it when I rub his chest while he's falling asleep. I told him I was glad he liked it - that I like making him happy - he said the sweetest thing, "you make me happy everyday"

I love him.

And no, to answer the *burning* question, I haven't told him yet - he's not told me and we're still in this stalemate of stoicism that we will not be the vulnerable party in this relationship though each day BOTH of us let down our guard a little more.

I'm sure he knows that I'm completely head over heels in love with him. He MUST know...how could he NOT know...but then again, he could be thinking the same thing about me - I don't think he's in love with me...I think he likes me a lot but I don't think he loves me. But I also think that he will love me...or he does love me, but doesn't know it yet.
I did find out that he's not against the idea of marriage - which I found surprising and good. He said, "why did you think I would be, because I've been married before?" To which I said, "yes" (because that is the reason I thought that). The discussion kind of ended after that because I didn't know what to say except my stupid comment about, "but the only basis for comparison I have is my mom who waited 7 years and my brother who waited somewhere around 14 years". Yeah...

I've officially *quit* smoking...Friday...so Saturday I had, I think, 3 cigarettes, 3 on Sunday, 3 so far today, and I think I'll go have another...give me a break - it's been a long day!

He asked me if I wanted ot go on a cruise sometime in May; to which my reply was a definite SURE!

Down to 113 now. That makes me happy. Just a few more! =)

I wrote an entire page about all the things I love about him. I guess I can be a bit obsessive? Throughout the day, I would think of something and add it to the list...it's quite a list.

How do you ask someone how they feel about you? I've tried once before and the response I got was enigmatic at best...something along the lines of, "are you asking me if I know where this is going?" *sigh* I said yes (because I realized that it was much too soon to ask him if he loves me). I guess my whole problem is that I want to be sure that when I tell him I love him, he'll tell me he loves me too (and mean it). his answer was that he didn't know (and I knew that - how could he know?!) But I was too scared of the answer (at that point) to tell him that that's not what I meant at all! That what I meant was: "I love you! I'm in love with you! so, how do you feel about me?!"

I let it go at that and haven't brought it up since.

I'm leaving for Colorado on Thursday. He seems genuinely sad that he'll be alone. I think it will be good for us - we spend so much time together that I think he could use the break. I think it's when we're apart that we truly understand what the person means to us. He said he'd pick me up from the airport but I have a feeling that I will be leaving my car in long-term parking...even though I really don't want to.

nothing new to report has turned into the same old stuff - but much longer than usual.

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I don't know what that means. Perhaps I should consult a dream dictionary? It says I will see a big increase in my income...well, that's good.

Now reading Digital Fortress by Dan Brown. Halfway done - good so far - waiting for the freaky plot twist. Just finished Timeline by Michael Crichton (I'm sure I've spelled that wrong) and I must say, it's the first book I've read by him, but it was good.

And now, I will away with a departing thought:

California then requested me to solve an attitude problem and financial issues in the Finance/MIS Departments and that is solved. - found on a resume

 

[innovative_hate]

each day brings me closer...

closer to realizing and admitting that there is something seriously wrong with me. I hate going out in public. I hate it. I hate knowing that I can be seen. I don't want people to see me...that wasn't in the job description! Not at all! I will procrastinate and procrastinate and justify and find work-arounds so that I don't have to go to a public place. What is wrong with me?!

But, I don't mind going places with other people. I think, really, what it is, is that I don't like driving to these places. I'm usually ok when I'm there, it's just driving there that I don't like. And I don't know if it's because I don't trust my car or because I am a freak and have panic attacks while driving...maybe a little bit of both.

My mom volunteered to bring me to JAX on Thursday. =) She doesn't have to work that day (she took off because she has a final that evening) and she said she wants to see me before I go. I love my mom. She's great. And Sarcastro will pick me up from the airport on Saturday. I've even made a copy of my itinerary for him - though he probably doesn't care except for the information on picking me up, but he's getting the whole thing anyway.

I think SB is really excited about going to Denver. I am too, but I really have a lot to get done before then. I'm thinking I'll pick up my stuff from SB's house and then go to Target or something and pick up all the little things I need for my trip. I'll start packing tonight. Sarcastro will probably be busy anyway.

I feel jittery right now, like I should be doing something to get ready but I'm still at work, so I can't...

I have an appointment to get my haircut tomorrow. I hope it doesn't turn out bad. SB said, "so, you're getting a hair cut before we go, right?" I would be offended if it weren't a year ago that I got it cut last (is that grammatically correct?) So, during lunch, haircut. I don't know how expensive it will be but from the look of the place, it will be very...but, as long as it turns out nice, I don't care.

I made the mistake of telling Sarcastro about my list - why do I do such stupid things?! As soon as I started saying it, I wanted to take it back. Now I'm paranoid. FOCK!!!! =) that's the way the German tourist in the Digital Fortress said it. It's really a good book - I'm about 2/3 done.

I seem to be having a problem organizing my thoughts again lately. The voices aren't as loud, but they're more frequent. They're really mean too. And I don't understand what it's all about. I mean, for the most part, I'm feeling better about myself, but the voices are berating me more and more it seems. When will I get to live life? Third person perspective is not so good anymore. I got a resume from a person who wrote on and off in third person. When it wasn't third, it was written in first person which kind of makes me wonder. How would someone not notice they did that? And it was the resume of an executive so it's not as if he's an idiot (theoretically, of course).

We made an offer to the girl we interviewed on Friday. She accepted and will start Monday. That will be good. We'll definitely find stuff to keep her occupied, I think. She stopping by tomorrow to meet the big bosses - she didn't meet them when she interviewed.

I feel so light-headed right now - but it comes and goes.

I'm stylish over the edge
the ink is now
the grinning grin of the toothless man
leaves me grinning a grin much more sympathetic than pleased
tap tap the thumping heart -
inside my chest -
the heart is beating against itself as an insult to the thinning
blood - hair - blood - hair
dribbling down the drains in the plunk, plunk pattern of the rain
on the skylight up ahead -
revealing stars playing in the background of the click clack click of the typing keys wishing they were ink-
free from posted thoughts
criticize
analyze
the failing - falling girl - thud thud
anesthetize
yourself against the whirling, winding way in which she speaks
she's hiding
and you're letting her.

I know, it doesn't make any sense, but does anything I write make sense? I would be surprised if anyone could relate to what I say - and not because it's so off-the-wall...it's quite mundane actually but because I am so horrible at articulating it.

It's 1615 and all I keep thinking about is how much I have to get done before I leave on Thursday. It's not even Wednesday yet and I'm freaking out...I guess I just feel overwhelmed with all the stuff that I have to get done and not knowing where I stand with Sarcastro. And then the argument with myself that I do know where I stand because if I didn't know, I wouldn't be living with him...and what was that? where I said I wouldn't move in with him until he could tell me he loves me? and he said he wouldn't ask me to move in until his divorce was finalized?

That really still kind of bothers me because it's not finalized yet and suddenly he's not concerned about that - but it was a big deal to him before. Maybe that was his way of keeping the option to bail out if he wanted to? The divorce was his safety net? but now he's thrown it away. ugh, look, I don't presume to know at all what he's thinking - I just wish I knew how to ask because it seems like however I ask him to clarify the situation for me, just makes me more confused. I guess I'm not asking in the right way. And this is when people's different ways of thinking and approaching situations causes a miscommunication.which causes confusion.which causes paranoia.which causes distrust and all the terrible things that follow from that. But, I am happy to report that I do indeed trust him. That's not saying much because I pretty much trust everyone until they give me a reason not to and even then, I might still though I've not discovered my motivation behind such a preposterous notion.

Again, I have babbled about unimportant items. BAH! This helps to keep me from thinking and overthinking - it's an outlet. once it's on here, I know that I don't have to think about it if I don't want to and it's ok that there isn't a solution because the problem has been documented. get it.got it.good

found this today: "That's my employment site and it's bursting with information!" - from a resume (of course). I don't know why I found that so funny...

 

[innovative_hate]

I don't have a lot of time

I'm sure you're relieved.

I just had to say this before I left work for the day because I won't be able to update until Monday.

Sarcastro knew something was bothering me. I explained that I'm thinking about stuff that I don't know if he wants to hear, or is ready to hear.

This is the abridged version: He said that he's been trying to let me know through his actions because he doesn't feel it's morally correct to say it while he's still married. He said he knew something like this would come up but that he hoped it would be after the divorce was done in which case it wouldn't be an issue at all.

He said if he didn't feel that way then I wouldn't be there...living there...around all the time...he said (and I almost cried) can't you tell by the way I touch you, or look at you, or kiss you?

So, schizo lala is on cloud 9

I sent him my list - I didn't doctor it or anything - I just sent it. He liked it. I think he was really flattered...it seems no one has ever been so nice to him.

I'm leaving for CO tomorrow. I had so much work to get done for the client we're visiting that now I only have 1/2 hour before I leave - which is good I guess.

The wellbutrin just kicked in and now I am REALLY light-headed.

I still have to go shopping for all the little things I need...

I got my haircut today - I like it.

 

[innovative_hate]

meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Let's see, it's hard to believe it's been almost a week since I updated.

We went to CO - met with the client - he LOVES us! It went splendidly.

For the rest of Friday, we just kind of hung out and then I left on Saturday. Sarcastro picked me up from the airport - I expected to meet him outside and wasn't paying attention at all as he walked up behind me whilst I made my way to baggage claim. =)

Sunday was a normal day - laundry

Monday - I was driving to work and my car flipped out on me again - he wouldn't shift into gear...I got him to a gas station and there, I cried, called my mommy, watched the rain, and wallowed in self-pity...

My mom rescued me - we left Gunther there - my brother said he would take a look after work but couldn't promise anything because he's not particularly familiar with VWs - especially their transmissions. After he got off of work, him, me, my mom, and his wife all went to my car. After a debate with the gas station attendant about the fact that my car's transmission does NOT have a dipstick, brother found the plug to add fluid - even though we couldn't see how much it had. We put in 3 bottles of power steering fluid (same thing as transmission fluid - but considerably more expensive) and Gunther was working again. I drove him home (with brother in the car).

Let the bosses know I would miss work on Tuesday because I had to get him checked out - they said ok - dropped Gunther off at brother's friend's garage.

Still haven't heard word on his health - but, I rented a car for a week so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Now, I'm sporting a silver Neon -

Got the invitation for my sister's graduation today - dad will be thrilled to know that I am going to try to make it...it's the 28th of May - in Texas - which means another trip for me! I'm really going to try. I invited Sarcastro, but I doubt he'd come.

Little brother's graduation in the 22nd of May. Wow, I feel old...I can't believe it's been 8 years since I graduated from high school. I will go to Andrew's graduation for sure, it's at the Ocean Center in Daytona - so, not far at all and I'll try to make Sarcastro come for that one...that's more likely than Heather's.

So, yeah, this is my first day back to work since last Thursday. I really missed it! I was super busy today - but it was nice!

We got the signed contract from one of our clients and we were contacted by another HUGE company for assistance in filling some positions.

I'm quite excited!

I cooked a real dinner for Sarcastro last night - mistake - I did too well - he now has decided (we voted - but my vote didn't count) that I should cook dinner every night. The thing is, I know he won't make me cook every night - he just likes to pretend. I think...

AH!! Paranoia rears its ugly head!!

I melted. I almost cried. I wanted to tell him. We were laying there...he was touching my face like he was afraid he might break me...looking at every portion of me as if he wanted to emblazon my image on his mind...he looked me in the eyes, his eyes got bigger almost like he was afraid - but excited - and said, "You are so beautiful, *L*". It was the conviction in his voice - he really believed it...and so, for a moment, I believed too.

But I am getting ahead of myself - he always says to me, "You're the greatest". And I just thought that meant he was happy I was massaging him or whatever...but we were sitting in the garage; we were talking about something (can't recall) and he looked at me, quite suddenly, and told me again that I am the greatest. But, it was at that moment that I realized that when he says, "you're the greatest", that he's really saying, "I love you". I got butterflies in my stomach and almost blurted out, "I love you too!!" but I was able to maintain my composure. I'm sure my eyes turned into saucers as I registered this tidbit of information...I smiled and looked down...

He still doesn't know that when I say *smoosh* I mean "I love you". He'll figure it out...he said he thought it mean *kiss*. Someday soon, he will figure it out...

That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you." - from "The Princess Bride"​

 

[innovative_hate]

we came and went with a whimper

no, it doesn't have anything to do with what I'm going to type...and as a matter of fact, I don't know what I'm going to type.

I dropped off my shirts to get embroidered...decided that I'm definitely going to Texas for Heather's graduation

Today went fairly quickly. We managed to get a few more interviews lined up.

I got my flat iron - yes, I'm that vain.

gained a few more; lost a few more; same as I ever was. Feeling kind of down about myself lately but today was much better, I actually feel - dare I say/type it? - sexy...yes, I feel sexy...

I will go tomorrow before work - I want to get the boss flowers for Mother's Day...

I have an appt. tomorrow for more meds...woohoo!

Still sporting the Neon and Sarcastro was kind enough to say, "now you're pimpin'" what an ass...hehe. We're getting along famously lately and I'm so afraid I'm going to jinx it - it's been over 5 months now and he still curls my toes - as LB would say...

Hopefully they will know something about Gunther today and hopefully it's not something ridiculous. I'm afraid - but I have no choice. I will just await their diagnosis and hope for the best. I'll call her after work

Almost time to go for the day and I didn't get to update as much as I wanted to, but all is not lost and tomorrow is another day.

I am all over the map today! My thoughts are all jumbled and mumbled together - I'm a fruitcake!!




"No, ask me".
"But if I know you're going to say no, it's just going to make you feel obligated and then you'll feel bad telling me no".
"No, ask me. I might surpise you".



"you better call the fruit patrol and have yourself arrested for being a fruitcake" - from an SNL skit featuring eminem...yeah, just thought it was funny...geez...don't judge me...=)

 

[innovative_hate]

uh oh...

So...um, yeah...this time, a lot really did happen since the last time I wrote on Thursday...

I got an email from the client I visited. Apparently he was impressed with me. He has invited me back for a more...social.visit. Made the mistake of telling Sarcastro. Now he won't leave me alone about it. But I didn't think the client was serious, I thought he was just trying to be funny. I mean, he invited me for lunch - it's a 5 hour plane ride - it couldn't happen. So, I played along - how was I supposed to know? I told him no snow the next trip though. I have now been invited for lunch.an extended stay during the summer months to escape the rising temps here. I am now in too deep. I've been saying this since Friday (not that long - but it's just as true now as it was then): This can only end badly.

Anyway, this not-so-professional banter has been occurring for I think, a total of 5 or 6 emails. and now, I'm afraid. But, I did reread my email and it doesn't seem bad - actually, it's more harmless than the ones before it! unless he felt embarassed because I mentioned that SB would come too - so that made it a little less OOOOO!! one-on-one with the client...tsk tsk...

But the worst part is, I think he would be cool to hang out with - not date - and to go to lunch with, etc. - not sleep with! and I know it probably wouldn't happen anyway because of the distance, it's nice to think that one of your clients could be a friend - instead of that you offended or upset them and now, they'll never be your friend...

I suck. That's really all there is to it. I screwed up...hardcore...and there is no way to get back to where I was...am I being overly-dramatic? possibly - I have got to find some candidates for him - that would make it better, I think. And, believe it or not, I think I'm actually pretty close to finding one or two!

Still haven't bought the tickets for the trip to Texas. Had to get my car fixed. Gunther is all better now. Dropping off the rental car today...good thing I get paid on Friday! Or I'd be hurting!! As it is, it's going to be rough - I'm waiting way too long to buy the plane tickets. Or maybe if the flights aren't getting filled, the price will decrease - ugh - who knows?!

It's 20 to 5 and I feel like I did a lot of work today. I went to lunch with the boss and her brother (it was his birthday) and felt like a third wheel. I made myself feel better by concentrating solely on the people standing at the cash register and focusing on their facial structure.

I was looking at SCB yesterday and realizing that he is classically handsome as well as cute in a contemporary way. He completely bowled me over yesterday...I get butterflies just thinking about it...He said he was going to take a shower so I settled in on the couch and picked up my book. I had no sooner removed the receipt I was using for a bookmark when he was suddenly standing before me, "what are you doing?"
"I'm reading while you take your shower".
"No," he said and he slid the book out of my hand. He placed it on the coffee table and took my hands. With one swift motion, he sat himself down and me on his lap, straddling him - face-to-face. He stared at me so intently I thought I would melt! He brushed the hair away from my face and kissed me with more passion than I have ever experienced...

Fireworks!

But, alas, it's 'that time of the month' so...no nookie for me, but I always make sure he's taken care of...that sounds terrible..."I take care of my man, bitch!!" HAHAHAHA!!!

And regarding the client - que sera, sera, ne?


"But this time, it's not allowed to snow! My Florida blood can't handle that!"

 

[innovative_hate]

burning bridges before they're built

don't have enough time for a real update today...around 2 pm, I thought the day would never end...then a co-worker and I decided to go to Dairy Queen at 347. Since then, the day has flown! Must have been the peanut butter cup blizzard that just made the time blissful.

I got Gunther back but he started acting kind of weird when he was idling. I guess I shouldn't be concerned because he didn't stop or anything, just me being paranoid, I hope.

Still no email from the client...still working on finding candidates...well, I found a bunch, now I just have to make them interested in the job...

10 minutes 'til go time.

I feel like I did a lot of work today, but I spent a good portion of my time updating things and writing poems...weird...

Sarcastro is still having issues at work - he's not a happy puppy these days and unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to make it better...short of physically assaulting his co-workers. I think he probably just feels like he's stuck in a rut and the person that he is under is a complete moron. I think he feels that if he had that position, he would be able to do a lot more with it. He doesn't feel challenged anymore and that is something that he really needs. He's smart and ambitious and the fact that there is little to no upward mobility in his current position is frustrating him, I think.

I bought hot fudge sundae pop-tarts, I just had to try them...I don't know why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Definitely not a breakfast food - a dessert - but, oddly enough, they have less calories than the strawberry (frosted) ones do.

Ok, time to wrap it up, 5 minutes to go...got some other things to take care of.

 

[innovative_hate]

it really is that look

Can you believe we were talking about marriage last night? Not our marriage to each other; just marriage in the broader sense - marriage of us but not necessarily to each other. I was very careful not to say something like, "well, we...blah, blah, blah" BUT we also started talking about kids and he said something along the lines of "we'll be more in touch though" (he was talking about how him and his dad don't really have anything in common because his dad was older when he was born). not the point...yes, he said 'WE' and yes, of course I caught it - I'm a girl - it's my job - though he probably didn't catch it...or maybe he did but didn't say anything because he had already said it and just hoped I didn't catch it or maybe he just didn't care if I caught it or not (kind of the same situation when he kept calling his place my home...)

Apparently, one of the main problems in his marriage was that she didn't want to have kids but he did not become aware of this until after they were married, and all along he was under the impression that she did...she (he feels) deceived him in that regard.

I had a dream last night. I was sitting on the couch and Sarcastro was laying down with his head in my lap and one of his ex-girlfriends came over. She sat at the other end of the couch (by his feet) and he sat up and they were talking and flirting as if I wasn't even there. I got up and went into the bedroom and he followed me and she was still in the living room saying something about "did you tell her about the bag?"

So, he follows me into the bedroom and I'm really upset: hurt more than angry and he doesn't seem to care or think there's anything wrong with it. So, I tell him I'm leaving and he says, "ok". That was a bad dream...I told him about it this morning and he just looked at me...with that look and said, "that would never happen". And I knew it to be true.
What is that? What is that strange thing? honesty? sincerity? but it amazes me everytime...

He's started calling me schnookums (among his other pet names for me - which really aren't all that cute and fluffy like they should be).

His dad was in an accident today, but he's ok - broken wrist and some road rash, and in a bit of pain (of course) but all in all, still breathing...and well enough to be pissed that his Harley got a bit beat up.

Anyway...it's 430pm, 77 degrees and winds are out of the A/C vent at some insanely cold temperature...

12 minutes until it's time to leave.



Try a new system or different approach. Lucky numbers 2, 18, 24, 27, 37, 46

 

[innovative_hate]

caffeine and cigarettes

two things that I could use right about now.

He said, "I did get some good news today". And for some reason, I could just tell that it was about his divorce. "The papers are done. Now they just have to be notarized, filed, and then we go to court, and that should be it".

He was talking to me about marriage again. I don't know if I should be concerned. I mean, he's talking about it a lot and he was talking about how he wants to start a family, etc...
He asked me what kind of wedding I would want...He asked about the wedding dress I had bought for the wedding I was supposed to have...(thank God I didn't!). He asked how many people I would have to invite. He wanted to know how big the wedding would be and how I felt about Vegas

I think that's fine, but now that I think about it, I'd rather wear my wedding dress and get married on the beach - simple - only close friends and family - that's what I want...

Oh my god, I can't believe he has me thinking about weddings...my wedding...!!!!! Usually, it's supposed to be the girl who thinks silently about her wedding to the man she's dating...but, now, it's him, asking me...about weddings...but before I get ahead of myself, I need to understand that he's not asking me to marry him...

I think I'm going to throw up...I seriously feel very ill...maybe it's because I've probably burned a hole in my esophagus? There was no blood though...strange, after so much, there was none.

And I did - and no blood but a really sore throat - not as if anyone wanted/needed to hear that.

it's 430 - yes, 1630.
It may seem trite to many - but it still kind of surprises me - I have to go shopping after work today - for dinner. Yeah, me, being all domestic - cooking dinner - going to the store to pick up food to make for dinner. It just really surprises me that I am so willing to cook him dinner when I never have been before.

Is this it?


"It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for"

 

[innovative_hate]

what do you do when everything you thought

turns out to be completely wrong? All this time, I thought she was quiet, demure, reserved...turns out she's quiet, but that's about it. Through random ways, I have found out that she writes a lot of very erotic fiction...I never would have thought that...don't know why - not like people who do write erotic fiction conform to some stereotype, but I guess, I don't know, I guess, in my own preconceived little world where everyone and everything fits nicely into a rubbermaid container, people who write that type of stuff (and don't get offended if you write it because I absolutely love reading it) are deviants. Why did I think that? I'm not really sure. Perhaps I should blame it on whoever it is that also makes us feel like sex is something dirty and bad and that the human body is something that we should be ashamed of...don't get me wrong - I'm ashamed of mine, but that's for different reasons than the fact that I have breasts and a vagina...does typing those words turn this into a rated R posting? I don't know the criteria...

Anyway - I finally received a response after almost an entire week:
*************************************************
Dude you make it happen and I'll be sure you get the good homestyle mexican food. The summer weather is usally beatiful. It'll get a little hot in late july and August and might get to the upper 90's but there is no humidity and we usually get a gentle sprinckle in the afternon that cools everythig off nicely.
You guys brought some crappy weather wth you is all I know!
**************************************************

Not quite sure what to make of it, so, my response (which took me from Friday morning until today to write was:
**********************************************
Actually, I think the weather was all MY fault, when I left, *boss lady* said it was absolutely beautiful there (She stayed 2 more days than I did).
So, that's ok, I'll take the blame for it - this time.
No humidity sounds perfect! It has been so humid here the past few days!
I don't know if you're really serious or if you're just trying to be nice (though it's still appreciated).
Hope your week is going well!
********************************************

That's that.

Um, Sarcastro received a phone call from a friend of his (she happens to be married to one of his other REALLY good friends) and she told him that he asked her for a divorce. :nervous: that's not good and it's unexpected. Sarcastro said that she said, "well, maybe he sees the way you and Lala are..." While that is flattering that people perceive us as a wonderfully happy couple (as do I), I don't want to be blamed for others who don't have the same relationship that Sarcastro and I do - ours is an anomaly and I'm sure, isn't right for everyone. See, this is a problem with my cousin and her husband also...but I don't think it's really an issue for any of them - just something that's been brought up...always by the woman though...strange...we're strange creatures.

I have a really bad sweet tooth today - I want cupcakes for dinner, but I know Sarcastro won't let me have them - well, not for dinner...though he did tell me to gain 5 pounds...I'm going to try to lose 5 lbs...don't know if that will happen...but i'm going to try...

Oh! I made him a card and I was looking at it today (he put it on the entertainment center) and there was a baby spider on it and I got scared and dropped it behind the entertainment center. I walked to the side to see if I would be able to reach it and sitting there, were videos...not those kind of videos - well, not that I could tell...but there was one there that said, "Wife and Sarcastro" I can only assume it's a wedding video...I want it to go away. I'm sure he doesn't even remember that it's there...buuuuuuuuuuut I did tell him before we left this morning that I threw the card behind the entertainment center (I didn't throw it, but it seemed so much more comical to say I threw it...it makes for a funnier visual) and that I didn't get it because I couldn't reach it, sooooooo maybe, just maybe, he'll remember that it fell back there and go to the same side I did and get the same picture I did of the video and promptly remove it. Or, maybe he'll retrieve the card and see the video but not move it...or he'll retrieve the card and not realize that the video is staring at him...or he won't even remember that the card fell back there and therefore will not realize that the video is there and hence, will not remove it.

JH (dba Minnie Mouse) wrote up a job description for me. It's for a 'crotch rocker operations instructor' because her husband's trying to find someone to teach me how to ride. She posted it on our site too...it's pretty funny - but there are not links anywhere on our site to get to it...I think I can post it...hmmm

HAHA!! I am such a dork!! Bear in mind that when it was on our site, it looked, obviously, much more official as it had our header and template and stuff...but this is pretty cool too and if anyone actually reads this they can get an idea of how it was. All of the contact info. has been removed (of course), but here's the link: http://www.geocities.com/evilplxle//CRO_Instructor.html

yeah, so that's how I spend my time at work - ok, I'm a big slacker - but I worked hard today and I started the day with a headache I thought would be the death of me...I don't really remember anything that happened today though - feel kind of out of sorts...I guess I had a weird dream last night? I don't know, I'm having the feeling of out of body - could it be what I'm doing to myself? maybe it's the wellbutrin?


"its far too hard to hide you"- The Cure

 

[innovative_hate]

crisis averted and replaced by another...

So, we got the contract and PowerPoint proposal out...now, we wait.

There is a big issue with Sarcastro and Wonderboy (a friend of his - they happen to work at the same place). I don't really want to get into specifics because it's not my place and as he is the husband of my cousin (the one who set us up) I feel a certain sense of loyalty to him (and the fact that I've known his family forever - about 10 years). Anyway, it has put Sarcastro in an extremely awkward position and I truly do not envy him. The only reason I mention it at all is because I don't really know how to react. I know I can't make the situation any better and I really don't have any advice to give him...

Found out during pillow talk that two women, on two different occassions, have told Sarcastro's brother that they want to have a threesome with them...slightly strange I think to have a threesome with a sibling, but whatever...made me feel kind of weird because, well, it just further illustrates my point that he is incredibly desirable - why he doesn't see it, I don't know...

111 today. not that it matters - but it makes me happy...I did say that I was going to lose 5 lbs. just to make a point to boss lady - only 3 more. And why, why do I do this? As aforementioned - just to make a point. Ridiculous, I know, and quite juvenile, but, it's a coping thing for me, and I have no other recourse because I'm tired of her saying stuff like that - no matter how funny she thinks it is...I'm very sensitive about it but no one seems to know or care, except Sarcastro. hmmm...I say that a lot...

"except Sarcastro" - he truly is an exception to many things in my life. What a breath of fresh air. I look forward to seeing him every morning - and every evening. God, I don't even mind cooking for him...what is wrong with me?!

Minnie Mouse made me a CD of Lucy Kaplansky. It's good stuff...gotta learn the words so I can sing in the shower. Yes, I sing in the shower. It's my 'thing'. And Sarcastro is so cute - he tells me not to stop singing when I hear him in the hallway or something...he'll stand at the door and listen...he's so great.

OH!!! I can't believe I almost forgot (and it's almost time to leave) - Thursday - the wife is coming over to drop off the paperwork and pick up the fish tank. Paperwork!!!! YAY!!! So, maybe soon he can tell me...

ACK!! Again the day has slipped away -

and I leave with this:
Has knowledge of basic shop safety procedures needed to work in a small arms environment - job description for a Gun Handler

 

[innovative_hate]

puffs to go

There is a high likelihood that someone will find me - a porcelain doll
be wary of breaking me - sliding and slipping on my fault lines

*eep*

Already 1636. I don't get to go straight home today. As I mentioned yesterday, Sarcastro's wife will be there picking up the fish tank cabinet thing. So, I have to wait until he calls to tell me it's safe to go home. I don't mind - I would rather not run into her - but at the same time I feel like I have to hide out or something. We went to the grocery store the other day and we were going to the checkout and he said we couldn't go in queue #7 because he knew the person and it was an in-law (guessing, brother in law or cousin in law...whatever). So, I said fine...but the only one that was open that wasn't express was the one right next to him. Sarcastro was noticably uncomfortable. I told him he could wait outside. He jumped at the chance to do so. And then, I was upset. I know that he's not even divorced yet and that it's kind of immoral in a sense to be with me when his divorce isn't even finalized, but it hurt my feelings. Then, I let rationality kick in. What would I have done in that situation? I would have either acted distant and cold so as to not let on to the in-law that there was anything romantic between us...I wish I could say that I would point out that we couldn't go in a specific queue, but I think I would have been too embarrassed to say anything. So, I commend him for being honest about being uncomfortable with the situation - I just got my feelings hurt (and he later apologized obsessively). I think he actually handled the situation quite well - better than I could and as a matter of fact - he handles pretty much every awkward situation with grace and confidence...

11


I really don't know where this is from, but I thought it was REALLY cool:
"... intimidated by any change... in a brief moment there might be too much vulnerability and I'll be left wide open to really hurt...
all these things hanging over me, weighing me down... What will it take to make the darkness not so dark? "

 

[innovative_hate]

9 brings bittersweet reality

this is not sustainable. Whatever I may think right now, there was a brief moment of clarity when I realized that there is no way to maintain this for any length of time. I'm actually quite amazed that I was able to go on for the 2 or 3 months that I have!

I was questioned - and despite the practicing I had done in anticipation of this event - I froze. The only thing I could muster was, "no". Unfortunately that left little credibility and even more guilt. But it ended at that. It ended with me saying no and it being left there. I had all these plans about what to say in that situation. All these things that I could use to explain myself - and it all left me when he looked at me like that. It all left me when I realized the difficulty he had in asking. I thought that he would just come right out and ask as soon as he thought something disturbing, but he didn't. He has waited, probably longer than he wanted to, before confronting me. And, I told him what he wanted to hear. What he needed to hear and the only thing I could hear myself saying. And that was that.

But the pain is still there. There is an undeniable distance now - at least in my perception. The distance is my deception. But what could I do? Would he really expect me to say anything other than no? Would I admit to my weakness? Of course not. And it almost feels adulterous - because there is something that occupies half of my mind (and body) and he's gets whatever is leftover. The pain is intense. It radiates from my joints - from the balls of my feet - from my hands - from my head. The voices screaming incessantly - the urge overpowering - but I haven't given in to that yet.

*sigh* enigmatic for anyone who cares - no one.

Friday - went to Daytona with (his) friends - to the Olive Garden for dinner - it was a beautiful night for a ride.
Saturday - he went alone. We went to my younger (he's not little) brother's high school graduation.
Sunday - we went to my mom's for a graduation party. then, he went alone. We had dinner. The fateful question - which has left me at a loss - and I'm sure he's not even thinking anything else about it. I, however, am left with the feeling of guilt for lying and the stress of figuring out how to either hide it better (I know, I know - that's REALLY messed up) or stop. But, like any addiction, it's not as easy as stopping. There is so much more to it. Half the time I don't even do it consciously - it's just methodic - it's what one does. And yet, I know it's wrong - in the sense that it's wrong for me. It doesn't really affect anyone else, I get that - except that people care about me and hate to see me do this...

Oddly enough, since I started, he's the only one who has had the guts to ask me. Before - everyone thought it was appropriate to ask me - and (I'm sure) not believe me. I don't know how long it's been. I wish I had kept a log - I'm sure it's a lot longer than it should be and I'm sure that my body has gotten to the point of either completely rejecting me or just shutting down.

The feelings of light-headedness come more frequently and the voices are louder. They're still saying the same mean things - even though I've tried to appease them.

I actually thought of trying to tell someone - but it's embarrassing. completely shameful - and I'm not ready yet.

I want to be ready. But if I were ready now, he would know I lied. I'll have to wait a bit now. I feel lost.

two more days until the trip to Texas. I'm excited about that and I think it will be a good break for me and Sarcastro. Not to mention the fact that I'll be going to Boca two days after I get back from Texas.

Maybe someday - maybe, just maybe, Sarcastro will have all of his divorce papers finalized...should I hold my breath?




The sickness that you are
A plague that made me starve
Do you think you can show me
How I come this far?
"Metaphor" - In Flames

 

[innovative_hate]

that accusatory look -

has successfully made me doubt everything I've believed I could hide. Everything, now, seems like a deception of his trust. But there were no more questions.

And this morning - as I suspected - there is no change - 9 is still here and unfortunately, I doubt it will be going away without some drastic change.

I finally got up the courage to write two poems - it's been so long that I was beginning to think I would never write again - and then, there they were - sitting in my head; raping all my thoughts until I gave them a voice.

I don't think I've done anything productive today. I leave late tomorrow night for Texas. And then, the trip to Boca. I will only spend about 6 hours at *home* before leaving for two more days. And in that 6 hours, I have to pack again.

I feel sick.nauseous.and maybe a little sad. I feel like bursting out of my body. I feel like kicking and screaming and yelling and pouting and bleeding and bending and breaking - and finally feeling.

out of body

detached from the events with which I find myself surrounded.

cope.by not coping.ingenious.pathetic.and utterly frivolous

I feel overwhelmed with the things I need to do. and underwhelmed with the expectations placed on me.

I'm scared of the consequences of my actions - which, one would think, would make me think twice about my actions before they're enacted - but, I'm an idiot. I can't stop. I was going to stop last night - but it was too easy not to. I swear, he encouraged it! I know he didn't think he was - because I told him I'm not - but when he told me - it made me think it was ok. I know, that's really juvenile justification - but the action itself is pretty juvenile. Am I just not mature enough to accept this? I'm afraid that my dad will say something when I see him. I'm afraid my stepmother will catch me. I'm afraid. and why? What right do I have to be afraid? NONE!! because it's my own fault! If something happens because of this - it's my own fault and I can only blame myself.

1630 - I just want to go *home* and feel overwhelmed there instead of here. And I still don't know if boss lady will pay me early. I sent her an email yesterday but she didn't come into work today so she didn't get the email and I don't want to ask her over the phone because it's something that I don't want the other girls to hear. I'm sure she won't have a problem with it, but, I don't know, it's just weird.

And once again, I'm not sure what's going on with...I never gave him a name...Guy...that will be his alias. Yeah, the client that's trying to get me to visit him this summer. He wrote telling me he'll be the personal tour guide. I explained that boss lady wouldn't be able to go on another trip. He said he was serious, he'll be MY personal tour guide. Yeah, not the response I expected - but that's the response I got. So, I wrote back saying I'm already taking a vacation at the end of May - OH...I just realized that might have hurt his ego - but I don't think it could have...I didn't say it meanly...ugh...the semantics of being a good vendor... and would I have bothered going this far with this if he wasn't a client? I can't honestly say. Knowing me and my gluttony for attention, I probably would have - just because he makes me feel wanted.

That's right - I have a problem - I feel completely unlikeable so when someone shows me any sort of attention, I go nuts...it's pathetic - and I don't know from where it stems - it doesn't make any sense. I always got plenty of attention and affection as a child. Could it really be my complete lack of any self-worth?

I can't take it anymore - I'm getting really frustrated.



"Texas Cries" - Element Eighty

"Why did you leave me?
I thought you said you loved me
I thought you said you needed me
I guess I was wrong
Texas cries inside
but I feel you
Texas cries inside
I still feel you
I don't know why you run away when I need you
and I don't know why you run away"

 

[innovative_hate]

actually - leavin' on a B737-300 (http://www.npl.com/~tkrell/planes/b737-300.jpg) (BAH!! I wanna fly in one of the NGs (http://www.darling.net.cn/img/b737-700.jpg)! But, I don't think my flight really warrants something of that magnitude) and returning on an MD-80 (http://www.fs2000.org/alitalia/md80.jpg); though, I think, if I really had my choice, I'd fly in one of the prototypes of the new 7E7 (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/photos/photo.asp?PhotoID=42122).

The destination is Texas (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/elementeighty/texascries.html). I'll be there until Memorial Day (http://bigspringvietnammemorial.org/images/memhnr.jpg).

 

[innovative_hate]

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack

and the world mourned...

=)

back to old grind

work is pretty busy which is good. Still coming up with interesting ways to tell Sarcastro how I feel. I'm cooking more and more often and getting more and more creative...grrr...=)

other than that - life is normal - oh, and I don't have enough money to support my wellbutrin habit because I had to buy new car insurance -


I have no clever quotes today - oh, well, there is this one from some lifetime movie: "just tell him brownish-green, female sheep"

 

[innovative_hate]

I told him

I have tried to say it 3 different ways so far - and he still doesn't get it. Today's was: type of oil, breakfast drink
yesterday's was: pizza topping, gin's sidekick
and of course, Monday's: brownish-green, female sheep

He's still asking what the hell I'm talking about - but I'm not going to tell him - because, well, that defeats the purpose.

I hope he finalizes his divorce soon!! This is killing me - I feel like he's never fully mine...it makes me sad, but I can't force him to finish it. I don't even know if there's a reason this thing hasn't gone through yet. I mean, maybe there's something I don't know about the situation.

I had a dream he had 3 kids with his wife - two girls and a boy - they all had blond hair

Anyway, it's time already to go - I've been so busy lately, I haven't gotten a chance to give a real update...someday soon - but we just keep getting new requirements...




so today (to put me back in my place) I will end with, "don't look a gift horse in the mouth"

What is a gift horse anyway?