No way to live a life
‘T’/’L’ then, for anyone who is interested.
‘L’ was great, funny, pretty, intelligent.
And Insecure, needy, overbearing, demanding and far too much like hard work for me to deal with at that time. Absolutely wonderful when it was just the two of us, unbearably critical and demeaning too me as soon as any of my female friends were around. Nearly 3 years together and I still don’t really understand why, or how.
‘T’ was gorgeous, sexy, beautiful and, again, intelligent (I don’t generally do ‘dumb’).
And Bulimic, left a boyfriend of 7 years to be with me, adored me. Wanted to marry me. Gave up a lot to be with me in fact, a home, about £7k that she leant her ex and wrote off when she moved out. I crumbled under the pressure, I didn’t believe that I could, or was ready to, give her what she needed.
Which is kind of why I stayed with ‘L’ so long too – couldn’t be brave enough, wasn’t a man enough, to leap either way. I was a coward, a horrible, two-timing weak willed pathetic coward. I promise you, I am a different person now, I would never behave like this again.
I was at a meeting. Sat with my green haired friend. Joking around, asking each other who else in the room we fancied etc. I said no one, no one here is even vaguely attractive to me. And then ‘T’ walked in. I swear, from across a room of about 60 people, she stood out a mile. I’d never seen her before, didn’t know who she was, but I knew I had to find out. We talked about this months later and she said the same, she just walked in, her first day in a new job and saw me and knew she wanted to know me. It really does happen and I’ve been lucky enough to have it happen twice now. We were together within 2 days.
‘L’ knew something was wrong almost instantly, she took to overeating for comfort when I was out of contact for days on end. She ended up miserable, depressed and weighing 14 stone. Our sex life disappeared. I’m not a shallow person, I don’t judge people on how they look, I really don’t. But if you don’t find someone sexually attractive, then you don’t find them sexually attractive, you can’t change how these things work, and to be blunt, I was impotent when I was with her. Fine when I was with ‘T’ but physically could not have sex with ‘L’, I couldn’t even bear her to kiss me. So I ended it, and then got guilted in to trying again, which was stupid of me, stupid beyond belief as I carried on seeing ‘T’ too.
Days with ‘L’ felt like weeks, weekends with ‘T’ felt like days. I was head over heels, and yet so terrified too, I’d never felt such strength of feeling, never received it either. I’m not sure I have since, not in both directions at the same time, I don’t think Illinois loved me as much as ‘T’ did, and I’m not sure I loved her that much either. I can’t compare it to CCFF as I haven’t had the chance to find out yet, but I guess that’s the closest I can relate it too anyway.
‘L’ didn’t know about ‘T’, ‘T’ didn’t know about ‘L’. Until that day I have referred to before when I was with ‘T’ and my mother phoned the friend I’d claimed to be seeing and then ‘L’ when she started to worry because said friend didn’t know what she was talking about. And still we stayed together, and still we weren’t having sex, and still she undermined me and criticised me, when all ‘T’ ever did was love me and support me. And still I felt too guilty to end it.
‘T’ knew something was wrong, and became depressed and drank too much and started to seek solace with her ex.
I finally ended it with ‘L’, about two years after I should have done. Things went well with ‘T’,, she stopped seeing her ex, she stopped drinking too much, she stopped taking Prozac. Things were, briefly, as close to perfection as I have ever experienced, as close as I am ever likely to again. And then I confessed…
I don’t know why, I don’t know what I was thinking. I wanted to make a clean start I think, maybe. Who knows. Obviously she left me.
Last I heard, ‘L’ was settled and happy, and ‘T’ is married and living in Canada and had a baby.
And I am moping around after CCFF single and destined to stay that way.
I guess you get what you deserve.
‘T’/’L’ then, for anyone who is interested.
‘L’ was great, funny, pretty, intelligent.
And Insecure, needy, overbearing, demanding and far too much like hard work for me to deal with at that time. Absolutely wonderful when it was just the two of us, unbearably critical and demeaning too me as soon as any of my female friends were around. Nearly 3 years together and I still don’t really understand why, or how.
‘T’ was gorgeous, sexy, beautiful and, again, intelligent (I don’t generally do ‘dumb’).
And Bulimic, left a boyfriend of 7 years to be with me, adored me. Wanted to marry me. Gave up a lot to be with me in fact, a home, about £7k that she leant her ex and wrote off when she moved out. I crumbled under the pressure, I didn’t believe that I could, or was ready to, give her what she needed.
Which is kind of why I stayed with ‘L’ so long too – couldn’t be brave enough, wasn’t a man enough, to leap either way. I was a coward, a horrible, two-timing weak willed pathetic coward. I promise you, I am a different person now, I would never behave like this again.
I was at a meeting. Sat with my green haired friend. Joking around, asking each other who else in the room we fancied etc. I said no one, no one here is even vaguely attractive to me. And then ‘T’ walked in. I swear, from across a room of about 60 people, she stood out a mile. I’d never seen her before, didn’t know who she was, but I knew I had to find out. We talked about this months later and she said the same, she just walked in, her first day in a new job and saw me and knew she wanted to know me. It really does happen and I’ve been lucky enough to have it happen twice now. We were together within 2 days.
‘L’ knew something was wrong almost instantly, she took to overeating for comfort when I was out of contact for days on end. She ended up miserable, depressed and weighing 14 stone. Our sex life disappeared. I’m not a shallow person, I don’t judge people on how they look, I really don’t. But if you don’t find someone sexually attractive, then you don’t find them sexually attractive, you can’t change how these things work, and to be blunt, I was impotent when I was with her. Fine when I was with ‘T’ but physically could not have sex with ‘L’, I couldn’t even bear her to kiss me. So I ended it, and then got guilted in to trying again, which was stupid of me, stupid beyond belief as I carried on seeing ‘T’ too.
Days with ‘L’ felt like weeks, weekends with ‘T’ felt like days. I was head over heels, and yet so terrified too, I’d never felt such strength of feeling, never received it either. I’m not sure I have since, not in both directions at the same time, I don’t think Illinois loved me as much as ‘T’ did, and I’m not sure I loved her that much either. I can’t compare it to CCFF as I haven’t had the chance to find out yet, but I guess that’s the closest I can relate it too anyway.
‘L’ didn’t know about ‘T’, ‘T’ didn’t know about ‘L’. Until that day I have referred to before when I was with ‘T’ and my mother phoned the friend I’d claimed to be seeing and then ‘L’ when she started to worry because said friend didn’t know what she was talking about. And still we stayed together, and still we weren’t having sex, and still she undermined me and criticised me, when all ‘T’ ever did was love me and support me. And still I felt too guilty to end it.
‘T’ knew something was wrong, and became depressed and drank too much and started to seek solace with her ex.
I finally ended it with ‘L’, about two years after I should have done. Things went well with ‘T’,, she stopped seeing her ex, she stopped drinking too much, she stopped taking Prozac. Things were, briefly, as close to perfection as I have ever experienced, as close as I am ever likely to again. And then I confessed…
I don’t know why, I don’t know what I was thinking. I wanted to make a clean start I think, maybe. Who knows. Obviously she left me.
Last I heard, ‘L’ was settled and happy, and ‘T’ is married and living in Canada and had a baby.
And I am moping around after CCFF single and destined to stay that way.
I guess you get what you deserve.