A losers diary

burns1 · Feb 24, 2007

Ccff

Long time readers will obviously know who CCFF is.

The fact that I haven't mentioned her for ages is not a sign that we are no longer friends.

I still spend a lot of time with her, she is still awesome.

It just occured to me that I haven't mentioned her for a very long time.

She is engaged. She is getting married next summer.

Her fiance is a lovely, lovely guy.

I live with Char, CCFF is getting married. We are still best friends.

The story had a happy ending.

burns1 · Mar 1, 2007

My Compooter gone died aginn

Bloody thing.

Am stuck paying £2 an hour in the library todo job hunting stuff.

bloody fucking BT bastards.

Oh well, I'll be back annoying you all eventually. Hope y'all are well.

burns1 · Mar 12, 2007

Sleepy Rider

After much resistance and bargaining, I persuaded Char to come and see Ghost Rider with me on Saturday.
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It cost me big time, I had to pay for the tickets, for dinner afterwards, walk round the shops with her beforehand and agree to go and see Becoming Jane next week in return.<o

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That’s a big sacrifice. Made doubly so by the fact that I promptly fell asleep before it started and didn’t wake up til the closing credits.

burns1 · Mar 13, 2007

Grape Balls of Fire

There’s a guy in the office who has been singing to himself this morning. That in and of itself hasn’t actually been that annoying to me. But something was bugging me about it, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what.

And then finally it dawned on me. The song does not go ‘Hey, Mr Tangerine Man’, does it?

alternative titles for this post:

Papa, Don’t Peach
It’s Grape When You’re Straight, yeah.
Come on peel the noise
Da Do Do Do, Dah Banana
Give Peach a Chance
Raisin to Believe
Me & Bobby Lychee
With or without juice
<O

</O

burns1 · Mar 19, 2007

The most misnamed day, ever.

Friday was Comic Relief Night. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I don’t care if it makes me seem like a heart hearted, cynical old cunt, I detest Comic Relief Night.
<O

It’s not Funny, it provides no relief, and it started about two weeks ago.<O

<O

But I suppose that Unfunny Hell Fortnight wouldn’t be such an attractive name for a charity

burns1 · Mar 24, 2007

2 for 1

I had planned on just posting this:

'Thanks to a friend in the theatre, a Mole was given the chance to interview a fine British luvvie for his college newspaper, way back in 2003, and was promised ten minutes after the show with the great man. But who was it?
Enjoying the play (Ibsen's 'Brand' in Haymarket), the Mole nipped backstage to thank his friend at the interval, to be confronted by the sight of the thespian ushering an usherette urgently into his dressing room during the ten minute break, trousers already tented at an angle.
Surely not? In a ten minute break? With an usherette? When said thesp was already famously involved with a much-older (and willing to turn a blind eye to her priapic beau) actress?
He managed to do the deed with five minutes to spare, emerging from the room with a grin on his face and actually zipping up his fly like a cad in a seventies porno. The play resumed and the Mole enjoyed the second act greatly, laughing continuously.
Laughing at the famously grim Ibsen. During a play about a man witnessing the death of his wife and child... But what could be so funny?<SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","\u003c/p\>\n\n\u003cp\>The Mole, from his seat on the front row, could see copious amounts of spunk littering the front of the great man's trousers and glowing heartily in the spotlights, like slug trails on a sunbaked patio.\u003c/p\>\n\u003chr\>\n\u003cp\>\u003cspan\>Gary Lightweight \u003c/span\>\u003c/p\>\n\n\u003cp\>A Mole had the misfortune to meet Snow Patrol's leading man Gary Lightbody (light of body, light of tunes) at a Cuckoo Club Brit Awards after-show party (unfortunately the rest of the band had to go home as they were at a particularly difficult junction in their cross-stitch tour blanket, the crazy rebels!). \u003c/p\>\n\n\u003cp\>Despite the media stories that Gary is steering clear of drugs and booze for fear of polluting the crystal-clear pool that is his musical genius, he seemed pretty ripped to the tits to all and sundry, grabbing any female in reach in a fumbling attempt to reveal his musical prowess through the international language of dick.\u003c/p\> \n\n \u003cp\>He was so out of it when he arrived that he even showed up with Edith Bowman and her entourage.\u003c/p\>\n\n\u003cp\>Somehow the (female) Mole resisted Gary's best chat up lines ("Ah, now yer lovely you are, come and sit on me knee!&quot

, unlike a certain media girl who led him by the mickey into a darkened corner, no doubt much to the amusement of his long-term girlfriend (who wasn't present, but probably knows now. Oops!)\u003c/p\>\n\n\n\u003chr\>\n\n\n \u003ca href\u003d\"http://click.holymolymailout.co.uk/?ffcb10-fe311572736c077f701473-fdf716777460017576137076-fef91679756300-fec91c747266047c-fe1a137970630d78751d72\" target\u003d\"_blank\" onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\"\>\u003cimg src\u003d\"http://image.holymolymailout.co.uk/2381833583630.jpg\" border\u003d\"0\"\>\u003c/a\> \n \u003chr\>\n\n\n\u003cp\>\u003cspan\>Football Boot-y Call\u003c/span\>\u003c/p\>\n\n\u003cp\>What's that popping into Kate Moss' mobile phone inbox?\u003c/p\> \n\n\u003cp\>Why, it's yet another text message from saviour of football David Beckham, keen to "repeat the events of last summer". \u003c/p\>\n\n \u003cp\>Oh dear David, have you seen where she's been?\u003c/p\>\n\n\u003cp\>\u003ca href\u003d\"http://click.holymolymailout.co.uk/?ffcb10-fe2f1572736c077f701475-fdf716777460017576137076-fef91679756300-fec91c747266047c-fe1a137970630d78751d72\" target\u003d\"_blank\" onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\"\>",1]);//--></SCRIPT>
The Mole, from his seat on the front row, could see copious amounts of spunk littering the front of the great man's trousers and glowing heartily in the spotlights, like slug trails on a sunbaked patio.'

And then saying 'I am determined to find out who this |Peter O'Toole is'

Sorry, I mean 'I am determined to find out who this Peter O'Toole is'

Damn...

Third times a charm...

I am determined to find out who this actor is.

But now I have a second post: What the fuck is going on with my fonts?

I post from work.

Why has it gone all funny?

burns1 · Mar 27, 2007

I am reliably informed by two independent sources that the aforementioned dirty pervert is actually Ralph Fiennes.

I trust the IRC to know about this stuff more than my other source, (and am actualy quite relieved that it's not the good Mr O'toole)

I stand corrected.

burns1 · Mar 31, 2007

Thank God it wasn't Peter...

Oh no, "Rayf" is not just a one trick pony...

"You may remember the story last week about a certain fine British actor who was so obsessed with sex that he took advantage of a ten minute theatre interval to indulge himself, before returning to the stage with semen caked on his trousers.
Further tales have reached us about the gland young man of British theatre. Earlier in his career he was renowned for being difficult to work with. That is until he had spilled his seed, after which he was as playful as a pussycat. Unfortunately, said milking was required at least three times a day or he would descend into a black rage and be a nightmare to work for, or with.
At the opening night of one show it became clear to those in the know that the actor was somewhat backed-up in the trouser region, hence his snarling responses to questions from journalists. And it was plain to see that this would, without doubt, adversely influence the tone of the reviews the following day.
His PR woman did the decent thing and took one on the chin for the troupe, taking the actor into a nearby cupboard and administering a soothing massage.<SCRIPT></SCRIPT>
Within five minutes the thespian was charm personified, his personality as dainty as a Persian cat pissing on silk. The actor enthralled the waiting critics with his measured views of the performance and his wonderful bonhomie. With the added bonus that the PR woman had ensured that the front of his trousers did not appear to be covered in 'greasepaint'."

Holy

Moly

Dot

Com

burns1 · Apr 10, 2007

Truth in Slapstick

There are comedy cliches that you never see in day to day life.

1) No body ever, ever really slips over on a Banana skin

2) No body ever, ever really walks under a ladder only to have a bucket of soapy water land upside down on their head

3) No body ever, ever really stands behind the wheel of a car that is stuck in the mud only to have the wheel spin and spray muddy water all up their front and over their face so that they have to take their glasses to clean them and leaving them with comedy white panda eyes.

Well, we can actually now scratch number three off that list.

Yup, I am a walking, talking, living comedy cliche thanks to a complete collapse in common sense that led me to stand directly in line with the wheel of the car while trying to help push Char out of the mud she drove us into when we went to a car boot sale on Saturday.

So, so embarassing.

burns1 · Apr 13, 2007

Say it fast.

I just found out that there is a guy that works here called Mike Hammel<O

</O

<O

</O

I want to make a joke about his name, but I’m scared it will give him the hump…

burns1 · Apr 13, 2007

Mike Hammel, a joke in Haiku form

Where is Mike Hammel?
I don't know where it is mate
where did you leave it?

burns1 · Apr 26, 2007

What, where, how....WHICH?

I have another new job.

That’s me…always on the move…

Oh no, wait. That’s nothing like me at all, normally, is it?

I am really excited for this one, I had the interview last week, got the call saying they wanted me at the start of this week, quit the job I am doing (although I don’t leave til tomorrow) and start the new one Monday.

The money is great, the job is exactly what I want to do, and for a really high profile well respected company. I am going to become a defender of consumer rights…

After years of working for an evil insurance company, I am now going to jump the fence and throw stones in from the outside.

And, best of all, I will be back in Central London. I will be easily be able to meet friends, go to shows, go to midweek classes, and generally have a life outside boring small town.

It’s not all good news, Char has to move away because of where her career is taking her, so that is going to be tough to deal with, but I won’t dwell on that here.

I will just share the good news that I am going to be doing a job I love, for a company I believe in, for the sort of money I deserve back in my much missed bright lights and excitement of dat dere Lahndan Tawn

Yay Me!

burns1 · May 5, 2007

That was the week, that was. (or TW3)

So, it's been over a week since I even logged on to the IRC.

Partly because I still have no laptop at home, and partly because of my new job.

I LOVE my new job. (I don't want to post any links to their website directly, cos I don't want the IT bods to be able to link back, but if you want to see who I work for, remove all the spaces from this: www. wit ch. co. uk )

Also, if you add my (shortened) name.surname before the @ you can email me if you haven't been able to recently.

I wish I could say more about my contract, but the magazine really is very influential* in the UK and I don't want to do anything that may risk me not getting an extension at the end of my 4 month contract.

*seriously, SO influential that Gordon Brown is speaking at the 'Which?' Awards event. That's GORDON BROWN, the guy that is 99% certain to replace Tony Blair as PM in a few weeks time...

I am going to meet Gordon Brown! (Back in about 1997, just before the election, he was one of my political heroes. He has been a cunt as Chancellor, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I am stupidly excited that I finally have a job that allows this sort of thing to happen)

So, yeah...

That's it. I love my new job.

burns1 · May 25, 2007

Well, that’s the last time I de-hair my pair.

I just received our daily ‘consumer news update’.
It’s basically just a list of links to articles.

The first link reads ‘Consumers care about the taste of nuts, not their appearance’

I refuse to click on it, because the reality can only be disappointing.

burns1 · Jun 1, 2007

‘Information itself is no longer enough!’

Wherever my next job takes me, I am not putting Improv on my resume ever again.

They are filming some corporate video here today, and we all had to do some weird bits just going about our daily business, but then they said they wanted someone to do it, but taking it really seriously, like it was a scene in ‘24’ or something.

At which point I tried to remain as innocuous as possible. Until a colleague piped up ‘Sam, don’t you do stand up comedy?’ (to which the obvious answer would have been ‘no’, but this didn’t feel like the right moment to have *that* conversation).

And then I was doomed.

There are only so many ways you can say the phrase ‘Information itself is no longer enough*’ without starting to feel like a complete dick with the entire office staring at you. Although I do think my ‘pushing my chair away from my desk and leaping to my feet was a tour de force of intensity, if I do say so myself.

*in truth, its not actually possible to say it even once without sounding like a complete dick. Who scripted this thing? I demand to see the writers.

burns1 · Jun 21, 2007

Lewis Hamilton, boy genius.

I don’t know how much impact Lewis Hamilton has had in the US, given that Formula 1 racing is a distant second to Indy Car, but the boy has been amazing. He’s certainly the most exciting British driver of my lifetime (although that’s not saying much). Hell, he’s got me to sit up and show interest in Formula 1, which normally I find interminably dull (although not as dull as Indy Car. At least in Formula 1 the drivers turn the steering wheel both left AND right – it’s a novel concept, I know… ).

In his rookie season, Hamilton has finished on the podium in each of the seven races so far, he leads the World Championship by 10 points already and has just won twice in succession, at the Canadian and US Grand Prix (how do you pluralise that?). Next up is the French Grand Prix where he could make it a hat-trick of wins, before his run off success comes to a juddering halt here in Britain at the British Grand Prix in July.

At least, his run will come to a juddering halt unless the British Police break the habit of a lifetime and don’t pull him over for being a young black man driving an expensive car.

burns1 · Jun 25, 2007

Tales from the lakes

I just got back from a wonderful weekend in The Lake District. It’s a part of the country that has inspired great poets and artists and storytellers. Beatrix Potter wrote some her timeless children’s books there, Wordsworth, Samuel Coleridge Taylor, John Ruskin wrote epic poetry. The landscape has inspired artists of all kinds for hundreds of years.

Now, far be it for me to liken myself to these greats, but I have to say, I too found the muse of the lakes to be irresistible and found the desire, nay, the compulsion, to put nib to parchment and compose a line or two of my own.

So, forgive my indulgence and let me spread my artistic wings with my ode to lakelands.

Lake Coniston is fucking neat,
I went for a paddle and I got wet feet.
Lake Windermere is as smooth as glass
I fell in and I soaked my arse.

Thank you for your time.

burns1 · Jul 5, 2007

George Melly, you old rapscallion, you...

George Melly, one of the truly great British eccentrics died today and left one of the greatest obituaries I have ever read.

Among the many highlights:

‘(Melly) was educated at the liberal, arts-orientated public school at Stowe, where he was introduced to two things which had a profound effect on him - jazz and homosexuality’

‘At school, Melly wrote, he once seduced the future Sunday Telegraph editor Sir Peregrine Worsthorne on a sofa, but he said that he found a 78rpm record by Bessie Smith was far more satisfying. ‘

‘He joined the navy as the war ended and travelled the world, experimenting with both jazz and sex in a series of escapades which he hilariously recounted in his book Rum, Bum And Concertina.’

‘The band toured Britain aboard tatty buses, drinking, smoking and having sexual adventures.’

‘He also gave up being gay’

George Melly, Sexual Adventurer, RIP.

burns1 · Jul 10, 2007

Bad Uncle Sam.

I made my lovely niece cry for the best part of an hour.

I swear, it wasn’t my fault.

Her mum went to bed for a nap, and I was holding her (the little ‘un, not her Mum, that would have been weird) and she seemed perfectly happy.

Then my brother left the room, and she looked up at me, looked around, looked back at me and her face crumpled…

God, what a racket.

I felt horrible. The poor little thing, stuck with my ugly mug trying to soothe her.

burns1 · Jul 16, 2007

Smells like fish, tastes like chicken...

Went to a Mongolian Barbeque on Saturday.

Big help yourself buffet type thing in the middle of floor.

Get your own ingredients, make your own dinner, take it to barbeque, get it cooked, sit, eat, repeat as often as you like.

Simple concept, no?

Not if you're the guy at the table next to me and Char who missed out a key step.

Got ingredients, made dinner, sat, ate.

How was the frozen raw chicken mate? Thanks for the laugh, hope your not dead.

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