A losers diary

[burns1]

wow

Oh wow!

Just been over to CCFFs where she shaved my hair for me, all I can say is WOW.

Her breath on my neck, her body against me, her warm hands on my neck and shoulders, and when she lent over and gently blew the hair away…

Don’t try to tell me she didn’t know EXACTLY what she was doing.

But…WOW.

 

[burns1]

back in the old bad habits

It had all been going so well, almost a success on the giving up smoking front, and no workday hangovers for weeks, but that’s all gone to hell now. I’m sat here feeling like death, unable to function on any level beyond ‘number 13, extra strong, extra sugar please’ and with a throat the feels like I’ve stuck a lit match directly against my tonsils.

Still, my inability to do any work has given me the chance to check out some new journals – the Darwin one is great. I guess it might just be my evil streak taking great pleasure in other peoples misfortune, but nevertheless it’s a good read.

Anyway, this is just an early warning that today could be one of those many pointless updates day as I struggle with the realities of the world. At least it’s Friday I suppose.

 

[burns1]

American Newspapers - gotta love 'em

Haven’t been around for a while, but this is something I just wanted to record for prosperity:

After Joe Strummer's premature clog-popping the New York Times printed an obituary. Perhaps unsurprisingly for a paper whose forays into youth culture have traditionally tended towards the well-meaning but clueless, the accompanying photo was of erstwhile bandmate Mick Jones. Never a paper to miss the opportunity to snipe at its upmarket competition, the decidedly downmarket tabloid New York Post (unofficial motto: "If it's possible, it must be true") subsequently drew attention to this gaffe with much hilarity, and printed a 'correct' picture. Mick Jones yet again. Mick Jones of Foreigner

 

[burns1]

The worlds shorted album

Tee hee:

I’m sorry Gypsy, I love you hon, you know that, but really, first Phil Collins and now this?

‘While I was doing this little chore of ripping hair out of my body by the root in small patches, I listened to my Billy Joel cd. It's a 4 cd set, and has pretty much every good song he ever did.’

Of course it has pretty much every good song he ever did. So has the rest of this page:







That is all.

 

[burns1]

Missing: One life, if found please return to Burns

I suppose I ought to write something, rather than just bitch about American Newspapers and my friends musical choices. God knows, I am not really in a position to criticise, given my love of bad country music. No offence intended anyway Gypsy, if I caused any I am very sorry.

Not been updating recently as I haven’t had much of a life due to excessive work loads. And the only major event that has happened constitutes bad news on the CCFF front and I am not letting myself dwell on it at the moment. No doubt I will unburden myself here soon enough, but at the moment I’m doing my best ostrich impression.

Dairy of a loser was pretty much a one joke journal too wasn’t it? Still, it kept me amused for an afternoon until my limited creativity run out and I got bored writing it.

Smoking again too, pathetically. I didn’t last long did I? All the psyching myself up for it, and then the slightest hint of a bad day and I end up hooked again. Still, I refuse to be beaten, I’m getting this busy work patch out of the way and then taking a few days off I think, go stay at my parents who don’t know that my giving up hasn’t worked out, so I won’t smoke around them.

That is such a desperate, destined to fail plan isn’t it?

Not a lot else to say for myself at the moment I think.

 

[burns1]

I give up.

I am lacking enthusiasm for this journal at the moment, the CCFF situation is boring even me at the moment. I’m supposed to be taking her out to dinner tomorrow night, and strangely I really am not up for it at all. I think I may have used up all my energy for this one. Shame, I know how good it could have been, there still isn’t a person that either of us know that doesn’t think we are made for each other, but I can only do so much. I’m fed up trying and I just want to have some fun again. Who knows, maybe in the future, but my patience is gone for now.

Anyway, what do I want with a relationship, as WW Renwick almost said:

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and
be miserable,or get a girlfriend and wish you were dead.

What’s the betting that we have a great night tomorrow and I’ll regret writing this?

I read about Oldlady in gypsys journal and thought I’d take a look. I doubt she reads this, but I just wanted to say that I think it’s really really good, and I am so impressed with how brave she is in carrying on in the face of her bitter sister-in-law, so if anyone wants to pass that on to her for me through a journal you know she reads that would be really cool.

New (bad) jokes:

 Absolutely wasted on anyone that doesn’t know the Geordie accent but hey ho:

A Geordie walked into a hairdressers and says ‘Can I have a perm?’

The hairdresser replies ‘Certainly – ‘I wandered lonely as a cloud…’


 What do you call a gay ape?

A Chimp Pansy

That’s all for now.


PS: I have no idea who WW Renwick is by the way!

 

[burns1]

you learn something new everyday

My first previously undiscovered gem of the new year: Calvin & Hobbes. I’d always thought it looked pretty stupid and childish and never paid any attention before, but my flatmate was at home last weekend and he found all his old compendiums, so I had a quick flick through when he brought them back to the flat and I am stunned. I had no idea it was so clever, so funny and so touching, it is absolute class. I swear, I can’t stop reading them at the moment.

Other discoveries of the year so far:

 Giving up smoking is impossible
 People give me a headache
 If you have a vivid dream about having sex with someone you work with, it is very embarrassing looking them in the eye the next morning.
 And you can’t help wonder what it would really be like
 Bowling for Columbine is actually really not very good when compared to ‘Roger and Me’ which I have finally got round to seeing
 Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers is actually really boring except for the last hour
 But if you say that to anyone they think you’re mad or just being deliberately provocative – I’m not, it was dull dull dull.
 Legolas is very cool, however.
 24 is the most ridiculous, insane, far fetched, unrealistic, over the top, unbelievable and generally stupid show ever to have been created.
 It is fucking brilliant.

 

[burns1]

You learn something new everyday - addendum

 I am being read by a girl in New Zealand (or a New Zealander living somewhere else possibly) who thinks I am weird.

I’d like to be offended, but it’s difficult to argue with the truth.

Apart from that she was actually very nice about this journal, so thanks to Tango

 

[burns1]

I can't believe I ate the whole thing

Boy oh boy do I feel sick now. Had hungover salt and fat cravings, so I went to Burger King, Which is bad idea at the best of time, but my strongly held principles go out the window when the hangover lord takes over. But I do have some advice for you all now, never ever eat an ‘XL Double Whopper with Cheese meal gone large’ in one sitting. I think I am going to spend the afternoon being sick.

Still, I love hangover days occasionally, my inability to do anything constructive leaves me with plenty of time to look out new journals and catch up on some old faves. Seamonkey, you have definitely joined the reading list. Although that could be partly because a 42 year old south floridian divorcee reminds me of my ex in Miami, right down to the glove compartment bit actually!) I only hope this doesn’t jinx it, as all the ones I like reading except Gypsys seem to have dried up. No Gordy or Scottyb for ages, even longer since minx or julie falco. Still, we have deez, oldlady and brown_eyed_girl now at least. Anyone got any other recommendations for me?

I have also managed to track down pages and pages of libelous gossip about people from Reese Witherspoon to Bob Hope today. Hours and hours of evil fun...so many stories that I’d love to post here in one of my ‘things I learnt today’ type lists, but I think that would put me on dangerous ground if I did.

 

[burns1]

brain dump

Things that make no sense to me:

 CCFF: ‘nuff said
 Phil Collins
 How the outer edge of a record travels faster than the inner edge but does the same RPM.
 How, in the days of CGI, is it still impossible to get the wheels on a car to not revolve in the wrong direction when filmed.
 Why do so many people call it ‘an internet’, is there another one that no one has told me about?
 Why anyone reads this journal of my crap, let alone writes to tell me they enjoy it
 The fact that I chose to be single and pine over CCFF instead of move in with Miami ex like I should have done.
 How contact lenses work
 Long division
 Women in general
 How space works. Surely it can’t really be infinite
 Why someone, in the recesses of history, thought that it would be a good idea to taste oysters for the first time
 Sushi
 French
 The French
 The rules of American football
 People who watch reality TV shows
 Racism
 Homophobia
 This joke: What king had the most children? Jonathan.
 How Alexander Graham Bell knew that the telephone worked before he’d invented the second one, and convinced someone else to answer it when he phoned.
 Why people like Andy Warhol
 Dubya
 Life


D’oh. The Jonathan King joke just fell into place. I can be so slow sometimes.

 

[burns1]

do you believe in reading minds?

How bizarre, the girl I referred to somewhere above, that I work with and had that dream about just freaked me out completely. I said ‘Gorgeous Blonde (OK, so that’s not her real name, but it should be) have you got a second’ and she said ‘No, I won’t have your babies, although we can practice if you want’.

Now, I know really that is just a co-incidence, but she has never said anything like that before and I went bright red, because all that ran through my head was that dream.

 

[burns1]

A brief update about nothing

OK, work is still insane and eating up most of my time, the rest is being spent either with CCFF (wow, what a surprise) or trying desperately to make sure I’ve watched all 24 episodes of 24 before next Saturday when I have to give the DVD back. I know have the last 13 hours to fit in between now and then. Although technically they are not hours, as each episode lasts 40 minutes with the ad breaks removed. (which kind of blows a hole in the ‘the following events take place in real time’ claim, but there you go). Actually, I guess that means that theoretically at least the programme should have been called 16, but that’s not quite as catchy is it?

Dinner with CCFF on Saturday night was really good, we had a great night. Marred slightly by an unexpected phone call from Miami ex in the early hours, which threw me a bit. Still, it was nice to catch up, and she seems perfectly sorted and happy these days, which is always good to know.

That aside, as you can no doubt tell, it really has been basically work, work, work, so I don’t have a lot to say for myself at the moment. No doubt I’ll be able to find some crap to write about in the absence of a life when I put my mind to it, but at the moment work is beckoning again, so I’ll have to be off for now.

 

[burns1]

on the breadline

Life just gets better and better – I have just been hit by a ton of bills and unexpected expense and as at 9 o’clock this morning had just £23 to last me the best part of a month…of which I have just spent £3 on a magazine and £2.50 on 10 marloboro lights, so actually I now have £18.50.

This is going to be a very tough month to get through.

Funnily enough this has not put me in a good mood and has already meant that I have had to cancel plans I had for Saturday, although that in itself is not really a bad thing as for some reason I had agreed to accompany a friend to see ‘Erasure’ at G.A.Y.E as no one else would go with her. And I can think of a million and one things I’d rather do than have to see Erasure play live I have to say. Pushing red hot needles under my finger nails for one.

Can you seriously imagine how depressing this is though? Knowing that I can afford to do precisely nothing between now and late February? No Friday or Saturday nights out, no being able to order Pizza or Indian or anything if I can’t be bothered to cook, having to bring my own sandwiches to work with me everyday…and, above all else, not even being able to afford to go out with CCFF between now and when she gets back from her ski-ing holiday. From spending three weeks with me here with no money, to suddenly being with single, drunken, horny blokes who can afford ski-ing in Colarado – a comparison I am so glad she is going to have in mind…arse.

Oh well, we are where we are, as they say, not a lot I can do about it.

 

[burns1]

on the breadline

Life just gets better and better – I have just been hit by a ton of bills and unexpected expense and as at 9 o’clock this morning had just £23 to last me the best part of a month…of which I have just spent £3 on a magazine and £2.50 on 10 marloboro lights, so actually I now have £18.50.

This is going to be a very tough month to get through.

Funnily enough this has not put me in a good mood and has already meant that I have had to cancel plans I had for Saturday, although that in itself is not really a bad thing as for some reason I had agreed to accompany a friend to see ‘Erasure’ at G.A.Y.E as no one else would go with her. And I can think of a million and one things I’d rather do than have to see Erasure play live I have to say. Pushing red hot needles under my finger nails for one.

Can you seriously imagine how depressing this is though? Knowing that I can afford to do precisely nothing between now and late February? No Friday or Saturday nights out, no being able to order Pizza or Indian or anything if I can’t be bothered to cook, having to bring my own sandwiches to work with me everyday…and, above all else, not even being able to afford to go out with CCFF between now and when she gets back from her ski-ing holiday. From spending three weeks with me here with no money, to suddenly being with single, drunken, horny blokes who can afford ski-ing in Colarado – a comparison I am so glad she is going to have in mind…arse.

Oh well, we are where we are, as they say, not a lot I can do about it.

 

[burns1]

Obscure (sorta) death notices Nos 2-4

 Who: George Roy Hill

When: 27/12/03

Famous as: The director of ‘The Sting’ and ‘Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid’


 Who: Conrad L. Hall

When: 4/1/03

Famous as: Cinematographer on ‘Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid’

 Who: Paul Monash

When: 14/1/03

Famous as: Executive Producer on...er... ‘Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid’


It’s kind of like a ‘Final Destination’ for old people. I would claim the film was jinxed if they weren’t 81, 76 and 85 respectively

 

[burns1]

poor misguided fool

It’s a bit weird here at the moment, I’m sure you’ll understand that Space travel doesn’t have quite the same hold over British life as it does in The States. Largely because we are so crap at it I guess. But it’s really strange, all the papers seem to be making a huge effort at saying what a tragedy it is and how brave and heroic all the astronauts were, but they don’t seem to really quite make it believable, it kind of seems like something they can’t quite understand, can’t quite get their heads round. I suppose it’s just not a very ‘british’ type of event, if it had been 7 people killed in a caravan accident or something they’d probably understand it a bit more.

I don’t mean to belittle what is obviously a major loss and has clearly had such an impact on the American people, but from our side of the pond it’s just beyond our reality I guess.

It does remind me of what a disturbed child I must have been though. The year of ‘Challenger’ was the same year the York Minster, one of our most impressive gothic cathedral type buildings burnt down, losing hundreds of medieval ‘bosses’ in the process (they are kind of like decorative ceiling ornaments that provide the junction and security for all the beams on the ceiling, sort of). As part of the rebuilding a kids TV programme, Blue Peter, held a competition for kids to design replacements that would be used. I decided that it wasn’t in bad taste at all, oh no, not at all, to send in a design that was a circle with a diagonal line across the middle that read ‘Challenger’ and then the date of the disaster written across it. In one hemisphere I drew the shuttle taking off, and on the other…and I still have trouble believing that I actually thought this was a good idea (or that my parents let me send it indeed) that famous cloud of smoke with the two vapour trails shooting off.

I must have been a sick little boy. Surprisingly enough I never heard back. Although I would imagine that somewhere along the line there must have been a discussion as to whether to get a child shrink to contact my family.

 

[burns1]

Picture this

Pinned to the wall by my desk I have this:

http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/italktomyself.html

People think I’m weird, but I like it.

At least it’s cheerier than this one:

http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/brokenthingstaybroken.html

Which is what I used to have.

And this:

http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/ipromised.html

Which is the one I really wanted, but I thought that would start people really worrying about me.

 

[burns1]

cheap can be fun after all

Clearly, given my money situation this month, I had a very dull weekend, Friday night was fairly cool, hanging with CCFF, eating Pizza, a couple of cold Stella’s and trashy Friday night teev and lots of flirting and a tense sexual undercurrent that neither of us act on still, after all this time. But apart from that, reasonably dull, although I did have the flat to myself on Saturday night, so a nice long evening of listening to whatever music I wanted, drinking a few more cold Stellas and just basically shutting off the outside world for a good solid 8 hours of ‘me time’. And by God I needed it, I didn’t realise how much I missed having an evening to myself. A double bill of ‘The Handsome Family’ (‘Twilight’ and ‘In The Air’, followed up by a selection of Tom Waits (a chunk of ‘Rain Dogs’ and the first half of ‘Alice’) some Ryan Adams, and finished up with a good dose of cheesy country (Kenny, Dolly, and a back to back replay of The Band’s ‘Long Black Veil’ – I am pathetically in love with that song) before falling asleep on the settee with Gram playing away quietly in the background. God I was in a good mood yesterday – I love my flatmates, but I really hadn’t realised that part of my recent restlessness and irritability had been purely because I hadn’t had any decent amount of time to myself if weeks, if not months.

Ten years ago, on a cold dark night
Someone was killed, 'neath the town hall light
There were few at the scene, but they all did agree
That the man who ran, looked a lot like me
The judge said son, what is your alibi
If you were somewhere else, then you won't have to die
I spoke not a word, thou it meant my life
For I'd been in the arms of my best friend's wife

 

[burns1]

Tug one thread and the whole thing starts to unravel

I’m not sure why, but I’ve been in quite a reflective mood recently. I think partially because I’m trying to figure out if the way I am about CCFF is the real deal after all, or if it’s just become a focus in my life to stop me regretting too much about my past. To avoid any slight hint of suspense that may now be in the air (why on earth would I want to make this journal interesting for you?!) I can safely say that yes, it is very much real, I am definitely, unarguably and hopelessly in love with this woman. Which would go some way towards explaining why, despite one of my very early claims, I have offered no evidence since I started this journal that I am the ‘habitual womaniser’ that I have been at times.

Put it this way, I’m 28 years old, I first had sex on my 17th birthday, (yes, I was a relatively late starter). In 11 years I have been single for roughly 18 months in total, including the last 7 since I ended things with Miami ex because of CCFF. And I have had sex once in those 7 months.

That leaves roughly 11 months of proper, single tarting about time.

 I was with ‘C’ from the age of 16-19, and I cheated on her once – right at the end.
 I was with ‘N’ from 20-22 and I cheated on her twice, once before we really got started and once right at the end
 I was with ‘L’ from 22-25 and I cheated on her constantly – twice during the first year and then with ‘T’ for nearly 2 years. I never loved ‘L’, I adored ‘T’ but got cold feet and couldn’t commit – something I regret to this day. If I met her now I know I’d spend my life with her if she’d have me. In fact, I’ll write about that soon, because it is an event that changed me in a big way.
 I was with ‘K’ for 9 months when I was 26. I never cheated on her, although I did sleep with someone else in between our first and second dates.
 Then I met Illinois farm gal, from 26 – 27, as soon as I met her I split up with K because as I’ve said before, it was love at first sight, but technically there was no cheating as I never slept with K again once I’d met Illinois.
 I was with Miami-ex from not long after Illinois until CCFF convinced me to end it 7 months ago.

So that, above is a grand total of 13 people. In the remaining 11 months single time that is spread across that period I have slept with a further 27 people, give or take, I am ashamed to admit that I actually can't be sure.

Now I know that’s not many spread over 11 years and change But it’s a hell of a lot more spread over 11 months.

The purpose of this isn’t actually to brag, or because I think this is something to be proud of, it’s to show how different I thought I was since CCFF came along, but then when I came to think about it properly, I realise it was actually the ‘T’/’L’ situation that was the change point I think. And this is why I started to wonder if I really felt for CCFF what I thought I did. Because man alive, do I regret losing T. Even more so than Illinois farm gal, even though I thought I was ready to marry her. Scratch that, I WAS ready to marry her, but the difference is, I had no control over what happened to her and to us, so I have no regrets about my behaviour, but ‘T’…well. I have no one to blame but myself for that, and that haunts me.

I’ll return to this another time, as I have just realised that it’s taken me a while to get this far and I’m bored now, even if you aren’t.

 

[burns1]

A slight imbalance?

So, I woke up this morning thinking I’d had another one of my weird dreams that can’t be true – like the one about Mike Oldfield being dead, or the one I had once where a famous footballer had been murdered by two other famous footballers (Jamie Redknapp by Robbie Fowler and Steve McMannaman, for anyone who knows the names) or the one where Jamie Redknapp took over as the lead singer of New Order (Jamie Redknapps Dad is a close friend of my best friends father in law, so it’s not totally random that he cropped up twice). This time I thought I’d dreamt that Phil Spector had been charged with murder, and then I woke up…

I know I touched upon this yesterday, and I truly do appreciate the level of feeling this generates in The States, but I do sometimes wonder how we can justify the priority we give to one human life over another.

Saturday 1 Feb 2003:

 Texas: 7 people die in a space shuttle disaster – average press coverage – 10-12 pages

 Nairobi: Train Crash – 30+ people die – average press coverage – virtually zero

 Nigeria: Bomb destroys block of flats – 40+ people die - average press coverage – half a page if lucky.

Tell me that’s not fucked up?

Now, I am completely pro space exploration, I am totally in favour of anything that can be used to the benefit of this planet and all its inhabitants, and I have so much respect for anyone willing to risk their lives to further this, but that is also kind of the point – it is a risk, and they know that, and to sacrifice themselves is hugely heroic, but they know the dangers, they know that there is a chance, however small, that something could go wrong. Elsewhere in the world, 70 people going about what should be there perfectly safe daily lives barely get a mention – that really not right. Let me guess – because they are not westerners? Because they are not white?

Or maybe I’m just being an oversensitive lefty again, I do have that tendency.