a leap in the dark...

Lisa P · May 25, 2004

He looked great for a dead guy.

Yeah, I’m up too damned late. I totally planned to be asleep by now, but I am still wired from the last Incubator practice. We had lots of fun. Many chairs were thrown.

I had an interesting weekend. I went to the Duke Children’s Classic events with my sister again. This points out the fact that I have been keeping this journal for over a year. This is from post #13, dated 5/18/03, and appropriately titled “Life is full of Patterns":

I went to the Friday night pool party and comedy show this year and it was fun. A bunch of comics I had heard of many years ago performed and everyone really enjoyed it, so it was good for the hospital. I don’t quite know what to think about how I feel about stand-up now. I laugh with everyone else, but now I hear the boredom in the performers’ voices. They want to be good, but they’ve said it so many times before.

Celebrity lineup: Jeff Foxworthy, of course; Ken “White Shadow, Crossing Jordan” Howard; James “Hill Street Blues, Doogie Howser” Sikking (who ate all the sushi before I could get any); Arte “Verrry interrresting” Johnson (I thought he was dead); Gary Mule Deer; Henry Cho; Will Shriner; Barney “Seinfeld’s dad” Martin; Matthew “Beverly Hills 90210, St. Elmo’s Fire” Laurance.

Matthew Laurance doesn’t really count, I think. The guy works at Duke now. I saw him on a fairly regular basis, so it’s hard to think of him as a celebrity. Oh, it’s not hard for him, he still thinks of himself that way, but nobody else does.

Saturday night was the dinner and show, and it was as fancy as usual. There was a chocolate fountain that you could dip fruit and cake into. A fucking chocolate fountain. I love Duke functions.

The Saturday night headline singer was Clay Walker. I don’t listen to country and western, so I hadn’t heard of him, but he is apparently famous. He was really good, and sooooo hot. They did something from their new cd, and then they just jammed a little while, which was awesome.

I went from there to Inside Improv for the very first Incubator show. We found the name Sperical Suicide, based on the crazy warmup we do throwing balls around. It was a really good show, and everyone did a great job. I am really, really, really happy with what I did on Saturday night. It was very satisfying, considering my initial response to being placed on this team. I credit my teammates and my coach, but most of all I credit myself. I worked hard, not just on skills, but on attitude and self image. I pat me on the back.

Lisa P · May 25, 2004

An Officer and a Gentleman

You remember the scene: Lou Gossett, Jr. is trying to get Richard Gere to quit the Navy flight school by making him do sit-ups or push-ups or whatever in the driving rain. Lou Gossett, Jr. tells Richard Gere to quit and Richard Gere refuses. Lou Gossett, Jr. then tells Richard Gere that he’ll kick him out. Richard Gere says “Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare do it!” Lou Gossett, Jr. asks Richard Gere why not.

All my life I’ve been mediocre. I try to pretend I’m not, but I know. My schooling, my work, my appearance, everything. Mediocre. At best.

I’ve always passed it off as a result of laziness. I just didn’t try hard enough. I can’t really do that with improv, though. I have really, really tried so hard. I fucking drive to Chapel Hill four or five (or six or seven) days a week. I’m constantly in a class, sometimes multiple classes. I practice and perform with two teams. I bust my ass.

And I am mediocre. Fuck that. I was mediocre when I started, and I didn’t have to work so hard. The sheer futility hit me like a fucking ton of bricks tonight. I really will never be any better than I am right now. I really will never be on a house team. I really will never be more than mediocre. What’s the point?

I know not to bother with any more auditions. I’m stupid, but not that stupid. I have made commitments. The question is, would the people I have committed to rather I just gave up, or are they depending on me? I don’t know, and they would never tell me because they are too wonderful and sweet. So I am left to try to figure it out on my own. What’s the point?

Richard Gere’s answer: “I got nowhere else to go. I got nowhere else to go.”

Edited just to say thanks for the chat, and fuck you for cheating me out of my pity party.

Lisa P · May 28, 2004

Thank God for good friends and good news.

The last week has been really strange for me. Tuesday night I was planning a strategic withdrawal. I take my commitments seriously and I don’t want to leave anyone in the lurch. Wednesday night I went to the Dirty Pictures taping. It took me about 45 minutes and three tries to actually get in the room. I even started my car to go back home once, but it pissed me off that I had driven an hour to get there, so I wasn’t giving up that easily. I’m glad I went, because I had a lot of fun and felt a great deal better when it was done.

I had a conversation with PT earlier in the day on Wednesday and he sent me a really good email yesterday. This is my response, and writing it helped me sort out things, which is what this journal is for, so I figured I’d save myself the typing.

Seems the stars support PT’s position as well. This was my horoscope yesterday:

I did get out and enjoy myself yesterday evening. Had to celebrate, you see. Throw Like a Girl got into the Del Close Marathon! We were thrilled. I can’t wait, though I’m nervous because of this emotional downturn. I know it will be over by then, especially once I give myself a break.

The weekend is shaping up to be awesome. Melissa/Sugar Snit is visiting from Atlanta and she will be seeing a couple of shows (including my second Incubator show) and attending the O’Bryan bonfire extravaganza. Benorbeen will be here tomorrow, too.

Joanna graduates tomorrow, too. I keep blanking about that. I am in total denial. I want her to un-grow up.

I still plan a strategic withdrawal, but not a complete one. I just have to regroup. I have to figure out what I’m so scared of. I keep hearing “You have to just stop being afraid” Well, no shit, Sherlock! I KNOW that part. It’s the how that’s the problem. You can tell me to fuck my fear, but unless you can tell me how, it doesn't really help. If I knew how, I'd have done it already.

Ok, self-indulgent rant over. Sorry about that, but that’s what this pitiful journal is for. It does a pretty good job if you ask me.

Lisa P · May 31, 2004

I am sublime

This weekend has been one that will change my life. It had all the earmarks, the main one being Joanna’s graduation. Huge. That is so huge. For nearly twenty-eight years I have been responsible for someone’s life besides my own. Everything I have done has had to take into account my children. I have not always been very good at it, but I always tried, and I think I did ok overall.

I sat with Jeremy, the man she loves, during the graduation. I felt sad for her father, whom I knew was somewhere alone in that sea of people. Maybe his fiancé was able to make it after all, I don’t know. I know I was glad for Jeremy’s presence.

When the first notes of Pomp and Circumstance began, Joanna, standing in line with her friends, waiting to walk into her future, nudged the girl next to her and said, “My mom is crying five, four, three, two, now.” Of course, she was right. I was happy and proud. And sad – I will miss her. She is so incredible. I was proud that she did so well for herself, and happy that she has so many opportunities.

This woman will do what she wants with her life. She will find – she is already finding – that what she wants will change many times over the years, but she will not be afraid and she will pursue and achieve all she imagines. I am so blessed to have been chosen to be her mother.

Also on the agenda for the weekend were Melissa’s visit and all the thinking I knew I needed to do about my future as an improviser.

The last Incubator show was really good. We had two really good shows, and they were personal bests for me. I made choices like never before. I can do this. I can do it well. But I have to do it on my own terms.

A number of people have talked to me over the last week about my nosedive, and the one thing they all asked was “Are you having fun?”

I have been struggling so hard that I was stealing the fun away from myself. I don’t get paid to improvise and never will. There is only one reason to do it. Fun. If I am not letting myself have fun, there are only two solutions. One is to quit. The other is to find the fun. I plan to do what I have to do to find the fun, and I plan to eliminate whatever is not fun.

This means I will probably not audition this month. I may decide to do it in the future, but not now. I was not having fun auditioning anymore; I was putting pressure on myself to achieve a goal whose value I can’t even identify. A goal I’m not even certain was my own.

I said before that I didn’t know why being on a house team was important. As I thought about it and talked with people about it, I began to realize that I had confused house team membership with success. I was wrong. Fun is success. That is now my goal. If it won’t give me fun, I won’t do it.

I had such a wonderful time with Melissa. She is a remarkable woman, full of energy and enthusiasm to explore everything around her. She shared her energy and wisdom with me and I am so much more centered right now because of it.

I must confess to having plotted, from the moment I knew she was coming, to get Melissa to teach me something about the energy I talk so much about. It’s something I have been aware of as a very strong force in my life, but it’s like lightning – powerful and uncontrolled.

Yesterday Melissa gave me reiki. She gave me a great gift. I am amazed and inspired by this power I never understood that I had. I thought I was weak. I am not. That wild energy is my own, and I only need to learn how to use it.

I put on some music and lay down with my head in her hands and began to relax. At first I was worried that I should be doing something to help, but I put that out of my mind and just trusted. I had my eyes closed, but I knew when she moved her hands that she was holding them over my head.

I began to feel a sensation in the top of head and my forehead that scared me a little at first. It felt like my skull was open and charged with electricity. I realized that it was not uncomfortable, just unfamiliar, so I relaxed and trusted and allowed myself to really experience this new sensation.

Soon Melissa began moving her hands over other areas of my body and I could feel energy moving. I also began to have a visualization of indigo, first as just swirls of color against a black background, then growing until I felt as if I were in a pool of indigo, swirled with vibrant purple. It looked like liquid in my mind’s eye, and I was floating in it. It was quite beautiful.

She had me turn over on my stomach and began working on my back. She held her hands on my upper back for a long time, then she did something – not even touching me physically – and I felt energy rushing down my spine. It was startling, but really energizing. She worked near my lower back for a long time, and when she moved her hands down to my legs, my cat immediately lay down on my back where Melissa had been working, and I knew it was because she could feel all that energy and wanted to absorb some of it.

I could feel Melissa tiring and was a little worried about her, but this is what she does, so I knew she was ok. After she was finished, she told me it had been an hour and I was stunned. It didn’t feel that long at all. I told her about the sensations and visualizations and she said they confirmed for her that she was accomplishing what she had wanted to in our session.

She said I would feel the effects for days, and I really do still feel it. This afternoon I put on the same music (Delerium’s Semantic Spaces) and I planned to sit down and write about the weekend. Instead, I felt the impulse to stop in the middle of the living room and close my eyes.

I began to sway with the music and then move my arms around. I ran my fingertips along my arms and up and down my legs, not knowing why. As I did this, I began to feel the gathering of energy and started focusing on it. I moved my arms above my head to gather the energy radiating from me, and I started channeling it all around me.

After a little while, I could visualize it flowing from my fingertips. It was the color of sunlight – golden white – and it was beautiful and pure. I spread my fingertips wide and began to form a bubble of energy all around me. Soon the bubble expanded to fill the whole room.

I felt the need to go out on the porch and spread the energy there, too. After that I went into every space in the apartment and filled it with the energy, even the closets and the laundry room. I spread extra energy in my room, to help me with the sleep problems. I also spread a lot in Joanna’s room, so she can take it with her when she moves.

I got tired after a while and felt the energy flagging, so I moved my hands above my head to gather more, and I was able to finish blessing my whole living space with my energy. That was hours ago, and my body is still humming with energy. It is astounding. I never knew I was so powerful. I never loved myself so much as I do right now.

Thank you, my friend, for showing me my power. You have changed my life, in more ways than one.

Lisa P · Jun 3, 2004

It’s kind of hard to tell just yet, but I really am backing off a bit. I made the decision a week ago, but you wouldn’t know it from the past week. I wanted to make sure Melissa got as much DSI fun as possible, so we ran nonstop all weekend. Then I had the last Level 4 class Tuesday (of course I went, you knew I would) and a TLaG practice last night. I have a Level 4 show tomorrow night. So the first week of my break was pretty much like all the weeks before it that burned me out in the first place.

Next week all I should have on the schedule is TLaG practice and the second Level 4 show. And some quilting and some reading and some quality time with my beasts. Perhaps some lounging by the pool. Maybe I’ll take a day trip to the beach next weekend. Ahh, you say. What about Macho Sasquatcho? I’m still working through exactly what to do about that.

The Spherical Suicide show was so much fun that it brought into stark relief something I was not paying attention to before. I love all the DSI folk, but there are one or two, outside of TLaG, that I really enjoy playing with. I feel like if I’m having so much fun, I should do something about that. I’ve got to talk to some folks. We’ll see how that goes.

I’m glad I did go to class Tuesday, because I had a good time. I was pleased with a few things I did and feel much better. That is largely due to the fact that I don’t feel like there’s so much at stake. There never actually was anything at stake, but I was treating every class and practice like there was. I just felt like I HAD to do EVERYTHING right. Duh.

One thing I did Tuesday that pleased me was coming into a scene with a clear initiation in mind. My scene partner, however, did the same thing, and was quicker. Normally, my response would be to drop my thing and politely wait for him to continue. Instead, I accepted his offer by saying what I had planned to initiate with.

It had absolutely nothing to do with the initiation, and it resulted in fun as we decided how to make the two ideas work together. I don’t know how long it will take me to be able to do that more consistently, but it feels good to know I can do it.

Someone contacted me after seeing my profile on the online dating thing. I cancelled the subscription ages ago, but the profile is still up. I emailed him back. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It’s funny – his name is Jack. Can he live up to it, I wonder?

Lisa P · Jun 7, 2004

There is such a thing as too much weekend.

I guess I’m not very good at this break thing. I just can’t stand the idea that I might miss something. I went to both nights of Inside Improv, even though I was only planning to go on Friday, and only then because I was playing with the Level 4 Harold class, Catfish.

We had a good show. I wasn’t especially excited about my play, but I got some decent notes. I didn’t have outrageous fun, but it wasn’t awful, either. We did have exploding lab rats. Hopefully our second show this Friday will be better for me. I hope everyone else enjoyed themselves. Mr. Diplomat rocked, though there were so many video game references that I was lost a great deal of the time.

Afterward, we all went to Ham’s for the twenty minutes before last call, and then we went to the Training Center to hang out and party. Zach is back in town and led that charge. About twenty-five of us hung out and played “Murder”, where everyone closes their eyes and the host chooses several murderers and an informant and then we try to guess who the murderers are. As we guess wrong, the wrongly accused die and then the murderers get to choose someone else to kill. The goal is to catch all the murderers before all the innocents die.

It was great fun. Scott Jennings always knew who the murderers were because of his expertise at reading poker faces. Unfortunately, it took us a while to trust his judgement, and once we did, the murderers usually killed him quickly because of it. We played until about 4:30 a.m. Zach was kind enough to let a couple of us crash at the training center because we just didn’t feel good about driving all the way home.

To answer the burning question on everyone’s mind: I had my own blanket in the car. And no, we were a perfect lady and gentleman. And if I snored, Richard was too polite to complain.

Saturday night I was not planning to go to II at all, but I was sitting around wishing I could, which was stupid. I im’d PT and essentially asked his permission to break my break. He pointed out that I wasn’t putting pressure on myself by going to see shows if I really wanted to see shows. That was excuse enough for me, so off to Chapel Hill I went.

I do want to capture some of my weekend back by staying home or doing something else on Friday or Saturday, but then when I look at the lineup and see who’s performing I want to a) support them because they are my friends, b) learn from them because I have a lot to learn and they have a lot to teach or c) all of the above.

I was very glad I went to the show, because it was loads of fun. Kit stole the Level 3S show, but everyone was good. It was just a really fun show. And the Code and Natural Selection were good, too.

Again we went to the TC for some more murders. It was hilarious watching Ross and Zach each try to convince PT that the other one was the murderer at the end of one game, only to discover that PT was the murderer. The look on their faces was priceless.

We wound it up a little earlier, and I was more temperate because I didn’t want to sleep on the floor again. But it was still pretty late, and I slept away the second day of my weekend (having gone home Saturday morning and gone back to bed).

Yesterday was Lydapalooza, the party CeCe and Diana organized to welcome Lyda home from Jamaica. All the Girls were there except Lauren, who is home for the summer. A bunch of DSI folk came and we had a really nice time. I do love those Girls.

Scott appointed himself Grillmaster and cooked everybody’s burgers, hot dogs, sausages, etc. After all the meat was cooked, Erik began experimenting. He grilled Krispy Kreme doughnuts, cake and fruit. All of them were well received. I had sworn off wheat products mid-week, so I just nibbled a little cake and had a grilled strawberry. Very tasty.

We started playing Truth or Dare, and it was a typical example of how the game usually goes. Everyone has fun at first, and then people start getting uncomfortable. I got pretty uncomfortable with the whole direction the game eventually took and decided it was time to go home.

I think too much hanging out together will strain even the closest of groups. Some people get insensitive, others get hypersensitive (guess which category I fall into). I am much happier today, after reminding myself of some positive things that have happened in my life. I’m not upset with anybody; so if you approached me last night trying to figure out if I was ok and if it was you who did it, don’t worry about it. I was just tired.

Oh, and about Jack. Really sweet guy, but it’s just not gonna’ happen. I had dinner with him Friday night and we talked about ourselves and our expectations. I think the guy was really interested. No, I know he was, but he kept talking about his church, and when I pushed on that, he said he’s a Southern Baptist and goes to church several times a week for various activities. I used to be a Southern Baptist, so I know a little about that.

I agreed to see a movie with him on Saturday, but as I was driving home from Chapel Hill on Saturday morning (having slept on the floor of the Training Center after partying all night, you will recall) I realized that this was just not going to work. I told him he should look for a nice girl in his church. He took it well.

Then I went home and hid my dating service profile. I have some thinking to do anyway, before I look for any kind of relationship. I know less now about what I am looking for than I did a few weeks ago. Or more, depending on how you look at it.

Lisa P · Jun 9, 2004

Fol lol the doh fol the day

I’ve spent the last three evenings doing some wonderful non-improv related things. Monday I went to dinner with Brian. We’ve both been so busy with our respective improv troupes, and in Brian’s case, domestic bliss, that we haven’t had any time together in ages. It was good to sit and chat and dish and laugh, and then we went window-shopping.

Afterward we went over to his new place and sat on his new porch swing while he and John shared a cigar. Then we went out and got me a new porch swing (I have always wanted one). Last night I put it together and rearranged my tiny deck to accommodate it. Then I just sat out there and relaxed.

Tonight I fixed dinner and took it out there and did absofuckinlutely nothing for about an hour and a half. I’m really happy with my deck. It is just about perfect now that I have the swing. It has mosquito netting and plants and cherubs and candles. I got some silk wisteria garland to drape over the frame of the swing. It’s really too much, and I love it that way.

Night before last I had a really scary dream. I don’t often have bad dreams, and when I do, they’re rarely frightening, usually just kind of unpleasant. The few that have really frightened me as an adult have always had the same theme – an attack by demons. These dreams always come at a time of spiritual growth, and I believe they represent a very real spiritual battle.

Thankfully, I know wherein my salvation lies, and the dreams are lucid – I pray in them and tell the demons that Jesus is my Savior and they are not welcome here. The demons always retreat and I wake up. This battle was won over two millennia ago. I don’t know why they keep trying.

I am really feeling the sensation of change coming. It is natural and obvious, since Joanna is moving out and I face the challenge of learning who I am outside the role of someone’s daughter, wife, mother. Now I just have me. It is good, I think, that I will be learning to take care of myself, after so many years of nurturing others. Women must be made of pretty strong stuff, to be able to do it backwards like that.

I want to learn reiki, and I have talked to Melissa about her coming back to teach me. Brian wants to learn as well, and I am glad that we will be sharing that. It came to me yesterday that I have a stronger purpose in learning reiki than I originally thought. A dear loved one may be coming to North Carolina to live out his last days. If I can help him have peace, that would be a great blessing.

Lisa P · Jun 13, 2004

It was the lark, the herald of the morn,

Catfish, the Level 4 class, had another great show Friday night. My sister came to watch, which delighted me. The only shows she has seen me in were my ComedyWorx trainee show and my DSI Level 2 show. She wasn’t crazy about either one, I don’t think, although she was very sweet and supportive.

She came to a show with me after the Duke Children’s Classic party last month, and seemed to enjoy it, but I didn’t really think she cared much for improv. She surprised me by telling me she’d like to come to the DCM with me this year, and then by coming to my show. She also hung out at Laine’s after the show last night. Could there be a sister team in DSI’s future? It would be fun if she started improvising. I love my sister.

I am sitting here editing the journal post I wrote all about debating whether or not I should go to the show last night. It was Richard’s last night in Chapel Hill, and the Level 2 class played. I felt compelled to honor my break the same way some others who took breaks did and not go to shows, but I really wanted to go to support them.

I was feeling like a failure at this break thing. The only thing I have done successfully so far is skip one Macho practice. I asked PT’s permission to go to II last week (the young man is wiser than he lets on). This week he refused to participate. Said it was my decision. See how smart he is?

So I asked Melissa instead. And she asked me why I thought I needed to stay away. I do admit that I was defining the parameters of my break based on the needs of others and not myself. I am much clearer now.

I did go, and I am so glad, because I had a really good time. There were more murders at the Training Center afterward. I did not commit any of them, though Zach accused me once. I was the informant once, and successfully identified two murderers, but because I am a strategic moron, I was killed too quickly to be of much help.

This game makes me rethink the whole Survivor thing. I really can’t lie convincingly. Or even tell the truth, for that matter. I would be the first voted off. How humiliating would that be?

I spent the better part of yesterday making myself some mix cd’s. I’ve been planning them in my head for ages, and I’m glad I finally got around to it. I did three, and I like them, though I’m not sure if anybody else I know would. The first one, which I’m listening to right now, is the one I like best.

It starts with some wonderful Gaelic music, and then segues nicely into some Middle Eastern music, thanks to Loreena McKennitt. Delerium eases it from Middle Eastern into strings, and it finishes with Barber’s Adagio for Strings – previously mentioned as one of my favorites. Oh, I am happy with this.

I went to dinner with my mom and step-dad, who are in town trying to decide if they want to move here, and my sister and brother. It was very nice. I did kind of bore them with the improv talk. My brother did some stand-up a few years ago, and wondered if I had a set together yet. I had to explain that I really just like improv for the sake of improv. I don’t think he feels like I’m using my time wisely.

Speaking of which, it is so very late now. Or early, depending on how you look at it. I guess I should go to bed. I haven’t had so much trouble sleeping lately, but I did get myself worked up over the break/show thing. Wish me luck. Actually, you’re all sleeping now. Oh, well. Wish me luck anyway. Hopefully I’ll be catching up on my sleep when you all wake up.

Lisa P · Jun 16, 2004

It's just time, is all

Well, I have been pondering it for a little while, and I finally decided that it is just time to go ahead and make a move to a regular blog type blog. http://lisap.blogspot.com.

Oh, it’s all still Complete and Utter Nonsense, rest assured.

It’s not personal, nothing against the IRC. I love this place, and this journal has helped me make some incredible changes just by giving me a place to sort things out. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve written and deleted. Just by the act of writing some troubles out, I rendered them powerless and irrelevant.

I plan to follow a friend's example and mirror my posts in both places for a little while until whoever wants to follow me has a chance to take note of the address.

Reading the first posts of this old journal was interesting. I realized how much I have grown over the year, and yet how much I am the same. I still dwell on some of the same things - hell, a year is not that long, really - but I don't think I dwell on them quite the same way. I really do feel a strong sense of forward motion. This makes me happy.

One thing that stood out to me was the use of the word improv as a verb. Please forgive me. I didn't know any better. I don't think I used that way for more than a month or so. God, I hope not. It's embarrassing.

But that was then, this is now.

Today Joanna called me from South Carolina to tell me she was stuck on Parris Island because there were waterspouts that were expected to make landfall and become tornados, so they had shut down the base. She told me she was in the credit union, so I told her to get in the vault. I could hear the warning sirens going off in the background.

It's my job to protect her from this stuff, and I couldn't. I protected her from the last tornado. It's MY JOB! This was a really hard reality to face. I know she was safe. She was with Jeremy, who managed to survive a war. He can take care of her. And, shit, she can take care of herself. But it's supposed to be my job. It's always been my job.

I spent the rest of the day totally distracted, even after I called Joanna back to make sure she hadn't been blown to Oz. She called me again later and left a voicemail complaining that two boys (Jeremy and a friend, I assume) had played a practical joke on her.

Seriously, can he really be trusted to take over my job?

Lisa P · Jun 20, 2004

There be monsters in the deep

I can’t escape the feeling that I’m supposed to be somewhere. The auditions are today, and I did not break down and ask for a spot at the last minute. I know it’s not good for me just now. That still doesn’t help with that feeling of “Something’s going on right now and I’m missing it”. I will need to keep myself busy today to distract myself from that.

After last weekend’s confusion about whether or not to go to shows, I woke up Sunday morning with a fairly well defined plan for this break. It’s funny, because I hadn’t really thought about it. It was just there when I woke up. I felt better immediately. I don’t know exactly when I’ll be ready to start back up again, but I do know when I plan to think about it, and I have a clear idea of what the first thing I want to do will be, schedules allowing. Now I can just relax and rest my pretty little head.

It was fun going to the shows this weekend without that odd conflicted feeling I’d had the two previous weekends. I did have a moment of it when they passed slips of paper around to draw names of improvisers in the audience to play. TLaG is all I’m doing for now. No other practice groups or performances. Them’s the rules.

Of course I wrote my name down and dropped it in the hat. What am I, stupid? It didn’t get drawn, so I was saved from my own weakness by fate, or possibly the intervention of the patron saint of improv (who is that, I wonder?).

Most everyone went home after the show instead of going out, but a few of us went out and managed to get in a couple of beers in the twenty minutes before last call. I hate that. There’s just no time to hang out and talk or goof off and run bits anymore. Laine and I went to her place and we talked late into the night.

Well, I talked. And it was more like early into the morning, since the sun was rising when we finally called it a night and I crashed on her couch (again, preferable to crashing on 40). I really like Laine and I’m so glad she’s here. I talked to her about some stuff I haven’t talked about in years, and trusted her with some thoughts I haven’t ever shared with anyone else.

Part of my weekly horoscope this morning said “It may seem as though the leviathans of your unconscious being are creating major disturbances, and bringing you gifts and insights galore from the hidden parts of your being.” Sounds about right. Leviathans. Good description.

My boss plans to give me my review this week. I hate reviews, but I hate even worse not getting them. I am anxious about it, although I have been told that if he were unhappy with me I’d know it already. I am constantly struggling with the workload and feel like I’m always behind in getting things done, but the fact is, I don’t know that anyone could ever get all that work done, so I don’t think it’s me. I hope he agrees. I do like this job, in spite of the overload.

I think I’ll take a stab at cleaning up around here, and maybe even starting to move into the sewing room. I’ve missed having a sewing room. I’ve been blessed to have one for many years, and I think the lack of a place to spread out and work has been part of the reason I haven’t done any sewing.

My bedroom for the last year and a half has been awkwardly stuffed with everything from my old sewing room, so it will be nice to have a bedroom that’s just a bedroom, too. The feng shui is all wrong in there right now. The sewing room shelves loom over my bed. That may even be contributing to my sleep issues, now that I think of it.

That and the leviathans.

http://lisap.blogspot.com

Lisa P · Jun 21, 2004

The aliens are trying to communicate with me

There is something beeping somewhere near my office that sounds exactly like the first note of my phone's ring tone, and it's driving me crazy. Even though I know it's not my phone when the ring doesn't continue, it still distracts me. I've walked up and down the hallway, but it only seems to beep when I am sitting at my desk, and nobody else can hear it.

I suppose that might be an indication that I was already crazy before the beeping started.

I had only marginal success distracting myself from thinking about the fact that there was improv activity that I was not involved in yesterday. I did get some things done around my place, but I didn't start the sewing room yet. Joanna still has a lot of stuff in there. It was kind of spread out, so I tidied it up. I think I will take home some boxes and pack it for her.

Before you comment on the fact that this seems like I am eager for her to finish moving, just STFU. I just prefer ripping off the bandaid as opposed to easing it off, and I like to dive into cold water instead of wading in gradually. I want to get the pain over and done with and move on.

And I want a sewing room.

They're coming in to do a unit inspection of my apartment this week, so I did want to make the place look halfway decent. I know they're really looking for people who are tearing out walls or leaving bodies on the carpet, but I have an undeclared cat and I'd kind of like to be able to convince them to overlook the additional deposit because I am one of the few tenants who pick up after their dogs and I keep the place clean. They don't have to know there is usually a thick layer of dog hair on the carpet.

Lisa P · Jun 21, 2004

I like the blogging thing

I'm still mirroring my blog posts because there are still a few folks reading here, but I really am moving completely to the new blog soon. I did a little multiple posting today, and I kind of like it. Come visit me at http://lisap.blogspot.com if you are so inclined.

Monday, June 21, 2004
I think I'll go looking for the aliens myself
A lot of people think I’m foolish to list space flight as one of my lifetime goals. Today that goal is a little bit closer. I will, if I save my pennies (many, many pennies), be able to fly into space, probably in the not too distant future. Pretty cool when you consider that the very first artificial satellite was launched less than a year before I was born and cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the human in space just a few months before I turned three. This is very cool.

posted by Lisa P @ 9:25 PM 0 comments

HaHA!
It's safe to remove my tinfoil hat now. The beeping is coming from some of the 150 new pagers that are in my office waiting to be distributed. It is still annoying, but at least I know I'm not crazy.

Shut up.

posted by Lisa P @ 5:24 PM 0 comments

Lisa P · Jun 22, 2004

Blogitty blog.

Someone entertain me, please.
Seriously. I am just not used to sitting home. I miss all my people.

I did get a lot done tonight, though. My files are in complete disarray. As in, I haven't filed anything since I moved here a year and a half ago. Can you imagine? My COD (Compulsive Organizing Disorder - less serious but more annoying than OCD) is obviously in remission, at least when I'm at home.

I went through all the bills on my desk. I pay everything on line now, so I had a bunch of loose bills and payment printouts all over the place. They're still not filed, but they're stacked much more tidily. And I finally got around to getting rid of the bazillion receipts I've been hanging on to because I wanted to check them so I could shred the ones with my whole account number on them.

To my great delight, I found my Ham's "Fucking Bastards" table receipt. I'll let you read Kit FitzSimons's account of that adventure. It's a long entry, but there really is something about the receipt further down there somewhere.

posted by Lisa P @ 11:38 PM 0 comments

Ahhhhh
Shhhhh. Hear that beeping? NO, YOU DON'T! It's blessedly quiet in my office now. No, I didn't drown the pagers like so many kittens in a burlap sack. I sent them all off to bother other people with their beeping.

And, no, I wouldn't drown kittens in a burlap sack.

posted by Lisa P @ 5:57 PM 0 comments

Lisa P · Jun 25, 2004

A few more thoughts before I go...

Friday, June 25, 2004
Slightly more tolerable beeping
I had envisioned this blog being made up of shorter posts during the day as I thought about things, but I don’t know if that is realistic, mainly because I just don’t usually find the time during the day to compose a decent entry, even a short one. I tried several times, but I was always distracted by the day-to-day reality of my job.

Oh, by the way, after receiving their new pagers, everyone has begun turning in their old ones to me. I have the thirty-five or so that came from the Greensboro branch. Oh joy. At least they don’t beep with the same sound as my phone.

So anyway, I am still working out my blog identity. Bear with me. Thanks.

I had some pretty interesting dreams about my job the last few nights. In the past, dreams about previous jobs have always been stressful. These are the first dreams I have had about this job, and they were not stressful at all.

Tuesday night I dreamt that Building Maintenance Guy (who is one of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure to know) was filling my office with plants. There were so many plants that it was hard to see me sitting at my desk, and he was still bringing in more.

It took a couple of days for me to figure out what that meant, but it suddenly came to me yesterday. Plants mean growth to me. I feel myself growing, not just in my job, but also in my whole life. I am growing to the point where the old me is difficult to see anymore.

Wednesday night I dreamt that I was having to get to work so early that I had decided I would join the other two dozen or so people who camped out in the parking lot. I was happy to do so, and was actually having fun. I got up in the morning and went inside and changed and put on my makeup and started my day as usual.

Now I should clarify here that no one camps out in the parking lot of my job. In addition, I don’t have to be at work until 9:00 am. I have no idea what this dream means, but it was quite vivid, and so I need to pay attention.

I am already ready to end my improv break. It’s not so much the improv I miss. It’s the social interaction. I am bored silly sitting at home alone. Not that I’ve done it all that much. Monday I called Brian and invited him and John to go for Chinese food. Wednesday I called Brian and asked him to come over for ice cream after work. After he left I puttered around a bit and then went to bed at 9:30, if you can imagine that.

Yesterday I answered the call for Scott Jennings’s Emergency Cook-out. Hey, if you can’t help a friend break in a new charcoal grill, you’re not much good, are ya’? Ethan was the only other responder, but I think we managed to mitigate the emergency fairly well.

Tonight has already been a fulfilling night, with some very rich communication with my friend Melissa. She is dear to me, though we only physically met a month ago. I feel a precious spiritual connection to her that has enriched my life beyond my imagination.

Now I head out for Chapel Hill to begin a weekend of improv gluttony. And before you ask, Dirty Picture shoots are not included in the break. This is going to be good.

posted by Lisa P @ 9:31 PM 0 comments

Lisa P · Jun 28, 2004

The improv community that goes to the porn store together stays together.

Wow, that's an interesting title, isn't it? Go read it. http://lisap.blogspot.com

a leap in the dark...

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.

Lisa P

Improviser in exile.