a leap in the dark...

[Lisa P]

Waiting for the shooting star wish to pay off...

I was really, really looking forward to improvising today, but no such luck. TLaG was going to practice, but everyone was just too busy. That’s the drawback to having so many talented people on the team – most of us have too many irons in the fire. Everyone is on a couple of teams or in plays or some such.

Everyone but me, since I’m not at ComedyWorx right now. I figure the two concurrent classes will make up for that soon enough. I should really relax and take advantage of the break. I’ve actually had a chance to read lately, something I haven’t done in a while.

Even the book club books were read kamikaze style. Each time, I sat down and read the whole damn book all at once the day before we met to talk about it. That’s no way to enjoy a book, and it’s no wonder I didn’t have anything intelligent to offer to the discussion at the last meeting.


Hmmm…

So is it sad that I’ve run out of things to say and I believe that it is because I’m not improvising right now? Maybe.

There are things I want to chatter about, but I won’t, for a number of reasons. Mainly because I am probably misreading things again and I don’t want to appear silly. I am silly, and don’t think I’m fooling anyone, but I will not babble about it all the same.

Maybe later.

 

[Lisa P]

Home is where the dog is.

Last night I dreamed that I decided I needed to move. I found a place to rent and paid a deposit and got the keys. The day before I was supposed to move in, I looked at the new place, and then I looked around the place where I live now and I realized that I didn’t really want to move at all.

The new place was a gray row house on a street full of gray row houses. There were no trees on the entire street. I looked out the back door of the apartment where I live now and saw all the trees and the people walking along the paths to the lake and I wondered what ever made me think I wanted to leave there.​

The alarm went off right about then, and the dream had been so vivid that my first instinct upon waking was to call the realtor and give back the keys. I was willing to sacrifice the deposit if necessary. I was relieved to realize it had been a dream.

A couple of months ago I had a very similar dream – just as vivid. In the first dream, the place I was moving into was not a really great place for me. It was quirky and colorful, but it wasn’t in a nice neighborhood, and it was too small and kind of run down.

The house in last night’s dream was very nice. It was big and bright and new, but it was cold and plain. I knew it would always look gray, no matter what I did.

This means something. In both dreams I thought I wanted or needed to make a change in my life, and then realized that I really was satisfied and happy where I was.

These dreams (along with the earlier writing exercise that revealed a tendency to cling to things I think I want, even after I realize I don’t want them) make me think.

Today I looked at things (and people) with a new perspective. I am fairly certain I have not misread any signals, but maybe I am placing more importance in them than I should. Or want to.

I am content today to sit back and wait to figure out what I really want before I rush out to try to get it.

 

[Lisa P]

All that and a champagne toast (I bet the booze came from my current employer)

The University at which I was formerly employed just ended its five-year fundraising campaign. The final total: $2,361,205,387. That’s 2.36 billion dollars. Billion. It defies the imagination.

There is always foolish spending in any organization, but overall, the University does good work with its money, and I am proud to have been a small part of that accomplishment. Damn fine organization. The people there work hard to improve the general condition of life in every aspect imaginable.

And our basketball team can kick your basketball team’s ass.

Last night I went to a party celebrating said accomplishment (the successful campaign, not the basketball thing). I went as my sister’s guest, since she works there and I no longer do. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go, but I am so glad I did. It brought some really positive closure to my time at the University.

We had an amazing meal. Filet mignon, done to perfection, sitting atop what we thought was a fried potato patty of some sort (I hate unstacking my food – I would have thought that vertical food fad would have been over years ago).

We tasted the patty and pronounced it delicious, but realized it wasn’t potato at all. It took us a minute, but then someone said “Grits!” Yep, it was a fried grits patty.

Filet mignon and grits. Only in the South.

I saw most of my former coworkers and enjoyed visiting with them. I got the lo-down on who had babies and who changed jobs, etc. Everyone looked great and all were genuinely happy that I am doing well.

And my old boss was there. As one of the leaders of the campaign effort, she was making the rounds of all the tables. When she stopped at ours, she saw my sister first, and then looked at me and did a double take. Her face lit up and she gave me a huge hug. And I returned it just as hugely.

I said before that she is a nice person, and I do like her. I just didn’t like working for her. But she looked like a different person. Leaving the b-school was the best thing for her, I think. It was a very cutthroat kind of place. It brought out the worst in people. I am glad she is happier, too.

She said she still wanted to get together but she lost my number. It’s in her Palm Pilot. I know. I put it there myself – it was part of my job. Still, I think she is sincere. She just needs a good admin to tell her “The number’s in your Palm.” I am not available for the job.

It was good for me to see her under pleasant circumstances. We had a nice conversation and hugged again and she shared some truly wonderful news that made me clap with delight and hug her again. I am happy that I can now remember her fondly. As long as I only remember last night.

I had a good time with my sister. We danced and gossiped and generally enjoyed each other's company. And, as always, no centerpiece is safe around my sister. I have two lovely, no doubt expensive, flower arrangements gracing my apartment right now.

 

[Lisa P]

Darling, your apartment is just so... YOU!

It seems my subconscious has decided to use my apartment as a metaphor for my self on a regular basis. The very first dream I described in this journal was about me discovering new rooms in my apartment and being adamant about not being forced to leave.

In the two more recent dreams I described the other day, each of the two places I was thinking about moving into represented two specific people. I didn’t make the connection after the first dream, but it was clear as day in the second dream, and that made the first one click. It made perfect sense. In each dream I was learning that I would not be as happy with those people as I already am with myself.

Last night I dreamed that I was staying with my ex temporarily (I don’t know why). I was trying to put some medicine on an insect bite on his leg, but he wouldn’t let me. After a while I got tired of trying to help him and announced that I was going home.

The only thing I had brought with me was the quilt from my bed. When I started to fold it up to take it home, I discovered that he had placed it too close to the fireplace and burned the edge of it. I was furious at his lack of concern for something that was important to me, and I was glad to be going back home.​

Saturday’s Inside Improv was great, as always, but especially interesting to me because somewhere in the middle of Mr. Diplomat, I realized that I was actually following along with the form. I was anticipating different possibilities for the beats as they were initiated.

I thought back and realized that I have been doing that for a little while. I can’t say for sure when it started, but I am very pleased that my understanding has progressed to the point where I can not only comprehend the scenes and connections, but the structure that supports them.

I am so ready to start up classes again. One more week to go! Who knows? Maybe I won’t cry all the way home from half my classes this time.

 

[Lisa P]

You have grown wings, Lisa

Well, it is done. It’s kind of a strange feeling. My champagne friend stopped by my office to chat, and when I said I didn’t know for sure if I was divorced yet, he said “It’s not like you feel a chill pass through your body, or you feel suddenly lighter. I had to call my lawyer and ask ‘Am I divorced?’ ”

I do feel lighter, though. Different. It is not exactly joyful, but it is good. Very good. I have grown in ways I would never have been able to grow in that relationship.

I know that I have thanked everyone sappily in a number of posts already, but it bears repeating.

First and foremost – Ross White, for seeing what I needed, whether you knew that at the time or not, and pushing me into improv – you saved me. You really did. I have said it before, and I will say it till we’re all old and gray – YOU ARE MY HERO.

Also, really first and foremost and only mentioned second because I know you know exactly how I feel about everything – Brian Thacker, because you were the one who was there for me always – I will always remember holding your hand because you were my rock. YOU ARE MY ULTIMATE HERO. I love you, my friend.

Of course I have to thank all my good friends at ComedyWorx and DSI, and Zach and Meljo and all the other amazing people I have encountered in my improv travels, physical and virtual. Thank you IRC.

And of course I couldn’t have a disgustingly sappy thank you post without mentioning my teammates: CeCe, Diana, Lyda, Olivia, and my awesome coach, Jen. You guys are my tribe, my identity. I am a Girl. How wonderful is that?

So how did I spend my first night of freedom, you may ask? I ate tacos and drank champagne and talked deeply with my daughter about the timelessness of Shakespeare. It was perfect.

Tomorrow night I spend with my friends in a celebration of the only me many of you have ever known. You may wonder what the big deal is.

Yes, some of you will remember the frightened thing I was – Pete and Jen, Dave, Eric, and Olivia (all from my 101 class), and Ross & Corey, who have known me since the beginning of my rebirth, but most of you have no idea how far I really have come.

It will be a year on February 4th since I started improvising. It was a year last November 8th since I started learning to be me. I could not have done one without the other.

And I could have done none of it without all of you.

Thank you. I will love all of you always.

 

[Lisa P]

The Ice Storm Cometh

I am supposed to be in Chapel Hill right now, starting the Advanced Scenework class with Scott Jennings. I was really excited about this.

Instead, I am stuck in my apartment, praying that we won’t get the promised freezing rain that threatens to take down power lines. I can hear it sleeting out there now. The snow has stopped completely, and there is no ice on the trees yet, so maybe it won’t be too bad.

I would love to light a fire, but I am afraid to use the few logs I have, just in case I actually need them for heat. I figure I have about ten hours of fuel. I tried to get some more logs, but everyone else beat me to it.

Last year I was lucky. I only lost power for a few hours. My sister lost power for almost two weeks. She and my nephew stayed with us until it was restored. We went out to her place once during that time to pick up some fresh clothes and there was frost on all her furniture. I kid you not.

And to top it off, the cold I caught on Tuesday and was almost over by yesterday (echinacea & zinc is amazing) is back with a vengeance – and a cough. I would have been fine, but there was a private party at the Inside Scoop and we couldn’t get in until well after 11:00, so we all stood out in the cold for an hour.

I could have gone in, since I wasn’t playing last night, but everyone else was outside, and I got lonely inside. So now I am coughing and sneezing and sniffling. But I had fun, and I deem it worthwhile.

There is some wonderful bonding that comes with shared misfortune. Bad luck can really be good for group dynamics. I had never met a lot of the people in the just graduated 202 class, so it was fun hanging out with them.

I should backtrack a little and say how great the John Doe Project and T.J. Monkey’s shows at Duke were. I got an extra helping of improv on my special freedom night out, with some awesome sketch on the side.

In spite of the late start, Inside Improv was lots of fun. Some of the people from the private party stayed, though not for the whole show – their loss, but it was getting pretty late. It would be cool if some of them decide to take classes because they accidentally wound up at an improv show.

By the time we got to Ham’s it was 1:00, an hour till closing time. Now, mind you, I had arranged for a designated driver (thank you, Ethan) and planned on partying. There was not so much time for that, but I had fun anyway, and managed to proposition a couple of the usual guys. I’m not sure what I would do if one of them ever actually took me seriously.

I’m going to play Playstation with Joanna now. Stay warm.

 

[Lisa P]

What the hell am I doing on page three, for fuck's sake?!

What a difference a few months can make. At the end of July, I journaled about how unfamiliar all the car stuff was – registration, inspection, etc. I managed just fine, but it was intimidating.

Today my ex called me to say he was taking care of getting the title to my car transferred to me, and he started telling me the things I needed to do, where to go, etc. to get the paperwork done. He really was very nice about it, and was being as helpful as he could.

Unbeknownst to him, at that moment I was sorting through several hundred registration renewal cards for cars, vans, delivery trucks, tractors and trailers. I also had to get a title today for one of the nine refrigerated trucks I had ordered in December, and distribute the keys, insurance cards and gas cards for several of the nine passenger cars I had factory ordered online.

He was explaining to me where I needed to go, but I already knew, since I am there once or twice a month. They know me by name. I tried to tell him not to worry about it because I know how to do that stuff now, but he didn’t hear me. I don’t blame him. It would be the last thing he should expect. I was always intimidated by the car stuff. Not anymore. I am a Fleet Manager.

I stand in awe of me sometimes.

We had our last Throw Like a Girl practice with Lyda for a while last night. Tomorrow will be the last show before she goes off to Jamaica for a semester. She’ll be back, but we’ll miss her till then.

Last night also marked our first practice without our beloved coach, Jen, who is way busy and taking a break from improv to pay attention to her schooling and the all important day job. We’ll miss her, too.

We are talking about interim solutions to both situations, and more news will be forthcoming. Last night we just worked sans coach. We ran through the form a couple of times and then just talked about how we felt about it. See, that’s what’s so cool about being all female. We talk to each other.

I wouldn’t want to go for long without someone coaching us, though. I'm sure we can find someone to help us out until Jen gets back.

And we will be looking for a couple of new Girls as well. We need someone to take Lyda’s place (yeah, right, like anyone could ever take Lyda’s place, no way!) and we just need some more bodies. So far we’ve been lucky and everyone has always been able to make it to shows, but we’re pretty busy people, and that lucky streak may not hold.

Last night’s practice was incredible, as usual. The first run through felt a little slow, but the second one – oh my God. If that had been in front of an audience, they would have been falling off their chairs. We rocked so hard!

It's a shame that those amazing practices are never seen by anyone. That is the sad part of improv. The happy part is that they’re just as satisfying as if they had been seen. The improv is its own reward.

Tomorrow night we play at the Inside Scoop. All the cool people will be there. We will make them fall off their chairs. Maybe even swallow their gum.

 

[Lisa P]

We always have choices.

This was going to be an entry for my DSI improv journal - the one where I actually talk about improv. But after I wrote it I realized that it really belongs here, where I write about how improv helps me live.

It has been a difficult week, and my mind has been occupied with family troubles. I got some very bad news Wednesday afternoon that has been taking up most of my energy ever since. Someone I love dearly may be gravely ill, and there is not a damned thing anybody can do about it.

I very briefly considered skipping my Wednesday Level 3 class, but I know firsthand how beneficial improv is for the aching soul, so I pulled myself together and went, vowing to leave the problem outside the classroom. It would not stay outside, but I was much better off being with my improv family than if I had been alone somewhere dwelling on the situation.

Our focus Wednesday was Game. Finding the game and playing the hell out of it has been one of the things I have a problem with thinking too much about. Oh, is this it? No, maybe not, that could be it. Wait, oh, shit, I think that was it and I missed it.

I overthink everything. I’ve been that way since I was a child. I think the overthinking has caused me more problems than just about anything else in my life. I think and think and think until someone else says “Hey, this is what we’re going to do” and I wind up following along on somebody else’s thing instead of doing what I want or need to do.

Sound familiar? Yeah, I got reamed for waiting for my scene partner to initiate and tell me who I was, etc. Ross kept making Kit and me start over until I stopped waiting for Kit to initiate. In the end, he initiated by flinging himself across the room and landing on the floor at my feet.

That startled me so much that I wound up breaking the fourth wall by looking at the “audience” (the class members who weren’t playing) and almost saying, “I can’t believe he just did that!” I did wind up saying something that made sense, though, and felt ok about it.

I stood on the back wall through an entire Armando. Again.

I really can’t blame that on the thing that was weighing on my mind. In improv, as in life, we have to make decisions, regardless of what else is going on. We have to just keep moving forward. Life will drag us along whether we like it or not, so we might as well make strong choices to determine what direction we’re going, even if we can’t control the future.

 

[Lisa P]

<hearing the pathetic, but insistent tapping at the door, she answers>

Well, hello there, depressed me! Haven’t seen you around for a while. No, don’t make yourself comfortable. You’re not welcome to stay. I have outgrown your pity parties.

I am feeling overwhelmed and overcome. I am sure the main problem is just worry about my sick loved one. We will not know anything until Thursday, and even then, it may not be certain.

Having done some research, I am expecting the worst. And if the tests are negative, then we will all be worried about what the hell is wrong. Sorry to be cryptic, but I just can’t put someone else’s medical specifics on a message board.

As there is nothing to be done but pray, I am doing that as hard as I can. I believe strongly in the power of prayer, and I spend a lot of time talking with God. He often answers me, in the form of Words of knowledge or signs.

I’m like an onion. We just keep peeling back layer after pungent layer, don’t we?

I am overwhelmed because, once again, I have stuffed my schedule with too many things and I stay busy all the time. I really need to specifically schedule nights home. Thursday night is pretty well protected now that Survivor is back on and I’m not at ComedyWorx for the time being.

Monday was supposed to be another night off, but I find myself wanting to go over to UNC and take some free dance lessons. I always secretly wanted to learn ballroom dancing. Without a partner there’s not much point, but it’s time I made that list of things I always wanted to do and started crossing them off as I do them.

The first thing I will put on that list is Hot Air Ballooning. I will put that first because I have already done it, so I can cross it off immediately. It sounds silly, but I bet every one of you list makers have done that very thing. There is a great satisfaction in crossing something off a list. It is evidence, right there on paper, that you are not wasting your life after all.

 

[Lisa P]

Out of the mouths of Building Maintenance guys comes truth

I was telling someone recently about how I am afraid everyone will realize that I am a fraud. They will see that I don’t know anything about improv and I suck and they will point and laugh and tell me to stop wasting their time. They will look at me and think, “How can she possibly be on a team?”

They will see that when I am on the stage, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just faking it. I have no idea what’s going to happen or what I’m going to say…

umm…

Oh. Right.

Never mind.

There was no definitive news from the doctor today. He wants to do some research to see if he can find a different diagnosis that fits the symptoms. I think he just can’t bear to tell them that there is no hope. I don’t blame him. I can’t bear to think about it.

I had an odd day. I spent most of it on the verge of tears over my loved one’s illness. I was incredibly busy, and it didn’t seem to matter how hard I worked, I just couldn’t get anything done.

But then the… I still don’t know what to call him – his title is Building Maintenance or something like that, but he does just about everything imaginable. Anyway, he brought little flower arrangements around and put them on all the women’s desks – I guess the company bought them for Valentine’s Day. That is so sweet.

And I asked for DSIF Friday off and it was no problem. I knew it wouldn’t be. Nothing I have ever seen from my boss would ever indicate that it would be a problem, but still, the first time you ask for a day off at a job is kind of scary.

I am so glad I’m off that day. Meljo is coming to stay with me for the weekend, so now we can have some fun! I am really excited about this festival. I didn’t go last year because I didn’t know anything about it. I was literally only a couple of weeks into my first ComedyWorx workshop at the time. I think I would just have been confused if I had gone.

I am really looking forward to this festival (I know, I just said that. I started to edit, but I really am excited enough to say it twice). TLaG is not playing, but I will be doing workshops and going to all the shows. I didn’t save the email I sent indicating which workshops I wanted, and now I don’t remember. I’m sure I could recall if I look at the list, but I’d rather it be a surprise.

I can be pretty simpleminded at times. Some might call it charming. Most just roll their eyes. Building Maintenance guy says "Lisa, you ain't right."

 

[Lisa P]

I know when you've been idle, I know when you're away

I downloaded an AIM upgrade Friday, and now I find that I am unintentionally stalking all my friends. I’m sitting here trying to mind my own business (well, not exactly, since I’m reading people’s journals and blogs, but you know what I mean) and now I get these slow, creepy little pop-ups that say “Dave is no longer idle” or “Katy has signed on”.

I am not trying to stalk people, but it is really kind of fascinating. This morning I sat here and watched as all my friends started waking up and going on line - everyone woke up about 1:00 it seems. One of my buddies apparently couldn’t decide on an away message, and was away, then returned from away, then went away, then returned from away, then went away. All these pop-ups were just stacking up along the side of my screen.

I have to find out how to shut the thing off, because it is really creeping me out.

Valentines Day was not awful at all for me. I don’t know if I expected it would be, but it wouldn’t have surprised me to feel lonesome. I didn’t. I spent the day cleaning the apartment and chatting with friends online. And I wrote out valentines for everyone I thought I’d see at I.I. I managed not to forget anyone. Well, almost, but I brought a couple of spares, so I was covered. I got lots of hugs and felt loved.

I did a shortform show at Inside Improv last night that was a lot of fun. Larry, from ComedyWorx played with us, and it was really nice to see him again. I miss a bunch of people over there.

We did a boys vs. girls thing for Valentine’s Day, and we didn’t really have time for but two games per team. The boys were hilarious. One of the games the girls chose was Blind Line, and I was looking forward to it. As I stood on the stage getting ready to play, I realized that I had forgotten my fucking glasses and I can’t read a damned thing without them. That’s the second time I’ve screwed myself like that during a show.

Afterward we went over to Austin and Scott’s new casa, where we danced to Corey’s phone for a little while. A poker game broke out in one corner and then an O’Bryan inspired dance circle turned into a spontaneous sound and movement session, with Scott complaining “This is what happens when I have a party” and then yelling “Bigger, bigger! Watch each other! This is a free fucking lesson, appreciate it!”

I think it is so wonderful that we all were having so much fun doing what anyone else would think is just completely weird and lame. I loved that it was not at all strange for two dozen people to just start dancing to someone’s phone ringing and not think anything of it.

 

[Lisa P]

Oh my, is that old lady holding a...? Yes, she is!

mul ti·task ·ing n.
The concurrent operation by one central processing unit of two or more processes.
Right now I am writing two different journal entries, eating pizza, drinking a beer and watching an awesome old lady talk very graphically about sex on TV.

I should be sleeping, but I can’t. Too much improv. Last night after Level 3L class I was so wound up that I didn’t sleep well till after 3:00. I would doze off and then jerk awake because there was so much energy stored in my body.

Throw Like a Girl had a practice tonight that was very rewarding. We are still practicing commando – no coach – because Jen is still on hiatus. We would much rather not go without a coach, but we don’t really have much choice right now, so we have to figure out ways to practice without actually coaching ourselves.

CeCe and Diana are on a team, Tony’s Pony, that Scott Jennings is coaching, and I am in Scott’s Advanced Scenework class, so we are all kind of learning some of the same things right now. We decided to try the exercises Scott has been teaching us – repeating words and phrases again and again. Olivia was, of course, right there with us all the way, in a really hot black and white striped mini-skirt with matching watch (didn't think I noticed, did you?)

Then we tried the exercise from Sunday's class. We did scenes where we only responded to the last thing our scene partner said to us. This unlocked a whole new world of and for us. We became very excited about all the information that came out of those scenes and about how they kept organically cycling around to the beginning.

Holy shit! I am actually learning stuff in these classes.

Afterward a couple of us, and I ain’t sayin’ who, went to Linda’s to get wings. I don’t know how long it has been since I’ve been to Linda’s. We used to go there all the time after classes when we were on UNC campus, but now that we’re in Carrboro it’s just closer to go to the Armadillo Grill. I love me some Armadillo Grill fajitas, but I've really missed Linda’s wings.

We talked about the upcoming auditions and how excited we are about them. We talked about how excited we are about our web page. We talked about how excited we are about each other and how that really affects people’s perception of us.

We really love being with each other, playing with each other. I don’t know if other teams are as lucky as we are, but I sure hope so. This is wonderful.

We also talked about that peculiar tendency our blogging friends have of linking only to other bloggers and never to perfectly wonderful journals such as those found on the IRC. An amusing little conceit, that.

 

[Lisa P]

light up the trenches where my heart lies

I came home tonight expecting the usual pitiful Friday night haunting of the IRC and DSI boards, but instead I wound up having two wonderfully rewarding conversations over IM.

The first was with my old, old boss from Philadelphia. She is one of my favorite people ever. She is rarely on IM, and I had actually forgotten that she was on my buddy list, it has been so long, but we had that instant connection of long years knowing each other. We met in 1989, when our children were both three, and we shared ten amazing years of our lives selling oriental carpets.

I remember well her divorce, and she gave me words of support at the very beginning of mine. Tonight, even knowing much of the history, her very second question was how was my ex. She is a classy lady and I love her.

She invited me to Turkey to visit her, as she will be spending more time there in the future. It has been a desire of mine since I began working at Woven Legends to visit Turkey, but I had never actually thought it was a possibility. Tonight, when she said it, I thought, “Why the hell not?” So I will be going to Turkey. Oh, yes, I will. Shit, I can do whatever the fuck I want to do!

The second conversation was with a friend whom I love and trust and it was just a really honest and fun conversation, and it made my night. Thanks!

I stopped on the way home from work tonight and picked up Sarah McLachlan’s latest cd, “Afterglow”. As usual, she has somehow reached into my psyche and ripped out my most private feelings. She had to have rooted through the ashes of the O’Bryan bonfire and found my journal, impossibly intact. I was a basket case listening to it.

I love it, of course.

'Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all

 

[Lisa P]

I used to feel alone, even among a group. Now I feel the group, even when I am alone

Yesterday was a difficult day, but a good one. The animals let me sleep late. They only played a little in the bed (you’d be surprised at the ruckus a five pound cat and a ninety-five pound dog can raise when they’re trying to play quietly).

Ginnie and I took a long walk along the lake, enjoying a wonderful North Carolina February day – beautiful and sunny and mild. She met several other happy, silly dogs and there was much panting and slobbering and waving of tails. I had to untangle leashes a couple of times.

I had an email when I got back. The diagnosis is confirmed. Someone I love dearly will rapidly decline and pass away in a manner completely offensive to his vital, active, creative nature. I can do no more than weep and pray, neither of which will stop the cruel progress of the disease. But I will pray nonetheless. It is all I can do, and it is important.

I went to see Jen and Heidi in the Vagina Monologues. I had never seen it before and was unprepared for the impact it would have on me. The focus on rape and family violence was expected, as was the humor. The connections I made to myself and my personal history took me completely by surprise. This was a good and healthy experience, which I plan to repeat.

Afterward I went to Inside Improv for some much needed laughs. I got a couple of hugs as well – very needed and welcome, and a really nice massage. The show was funny and the camaraderie was healing. Improv as therapy – one does not have to be performing it to benefit from it. I was loved.

The camaraderie moved over to Ham’s, where we wished Diana and her new jeans a Happy Birthday, praised Kirk for his first Mr. Diplomat performance and generally gushed over Zach – here to visit us for DSIF.

We played telephone, but there was a problem of some sort in the lines at the end of the tables – we suspected there was some corrosion in the Lil’G connection.

We also played caricature tag, where someone draws a caricature of someone else and then passes it along to that person to draw someone else. I know for a fact that someone drew me, but it never got to me. This was possibly because I kept saying “Don’t pass it to me, I can’t draw. I am a textile artist.”

Kit astounded us all by twirling a glass around in a manner that has to be seen to be understood. He taught me how. Smoke and mirrors, it was, but very cool. Then he said I was over the hill and a frog. Not really, but I pretended to be offended, and I laughed all the way home at his predicament.

I thank God every day for these people. What would I do without them?

 

[Lisa P]

I fasted today. I guess my blood sugar is just low.

I just need to face the fact that no matter where I am and what I do, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, funnier, thinner, younger and just all around better than me. No point in imagining anything different.

It’s a funny thing, imagination. I piss away more time daydreaming (and by that I mean daydreaming [that is an inside joke for one person only, who may not even read this, but will laugh his ass off if he does, and that thought alone makes me feel better somehow]). Anyway, I piss away so much time daydreaming that I let the things I should be doing slide.

Granted, I have been working on reprioritizing my list of “shoulds” and getting rid of the ones that other people have imposed on me, but I am still letting some important stuff fall by the wayside.

Instead, I find myself engaged in foolish flights of fancy. These imaginings are rich and colorful and feature me as the beautiful star, loved and admired by all. Those foolish people (men) who took me for granted stand in the background and sigh, wishing they had seen my value and won my love, but alas, it is too late. Oh, I am gracious and kind to them, but they have missed their chance and they know it.

You’d think I could use some of that imagination for some worthwhile scenework, but that would be the job of those smarter, prettier ones. Actually, even I wouldn’t want to see that scene. It’s kind of a Streisand movie from hell, really.

 

[Lisa P]

I learned to french kiss at Girl Scout camp

I don’t even know how to begin describing the kaleidoscope of experience that was DSIF4.

Three nights, six shows, twenty-four groups. Three workshops with three teachers who blew my mind. One harrowing drive home through a blinding snowstorm. Late night girl talk complete with champagne just because we felt like it. Two binges. The Bat. One awesome house party. Kissed by a girl and by a friend (and passed up a potentially awesome make-out session due to his intoxication and my sobriety, damn my responsible nature). Felt up once. Not just one, but two shooting stars with accompanying wishes (please see “felt up once”, above). The discovery that I am a “Mystery Woman”. Silly pictures on the internet of a pillow fight and my boobs.

That just about covers it. Not.

Now I am left trying to process an incredible amount of information. I will eventually try to post something in my DSI journal about what I learned about improv, but it is all swirling around so fiercely right now that I don’t know how to sort it out.

I hope to be able to do it tomorrow at lunch, because tomorrow we have Throw Like a Girl auditions and then Wednesday I have the final Level 3 Harold class, and I haven’t even written my notes from last week.

On Friday night our class will perform a Harold at Inside Improv. We did two in class last week, but I am hugely intimidated by the prospect of performing Harold in front of an audience. It’s funny that I would rather perform for Ross, who would yell at us (with love, of course) than an audience who will doubtless be kind and laugh, even if we aren’t hilarious. I know that we will rock out, though, because my teammates are brilliant and talented.

And now I’m nursing a new crush that is completely impractical and will not likely amount to anything at all (please see “felt up once” and “shooting stars with accompanying wishes”, above). Well, ok, it’s more like a lust than a crush. Nothing innocent about it at all.

And, no, it’s not Callie.

 

[Lisa P]

In improv, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

As near as I can count, I have made fourteen appearances on the Inside Improv stage. In addition, Throw Like a Girl played once on the 24Live stage as a troupe and once in a jam, and we did a benefit at UNC. I also did more ComedyWorx performances than I feel like counting – sometimes two or three in a weekend. Oh, and I can’t forget the jam with Dillinger.

In my last post I wrote that I was intimidated by the prospect of performing Harold in front of an audience, but that feeling actually faded after the last Level 3L class and was replaced by a sense of anticipation. We did some good work in that class and I knew we would play well and joyfully. I felt good about the class and about Harold in general.

Last night when the class, The Battleaxe of Dark Justice, began its first show, I looked at my teammates and realized that: a) there were too many of us (ten) for everyone to be able to play and be satisfied and b) we were all really excited about our first Harold, but I have had more stage time than all of them put together.

I made a conscious decision to let them play and only jump in if I had something that just absolutely had to be said. I knew I would get to play the group games, after all. And the group games were really, really fun.

I realize that my light participation was conspicuous, and some may disagree with my decision, but I stand by it. It was a joy to watch them play and I was there with them, even if I didn’t say anything. I respect the opinion of anyone who feels differently, but I would make the same decision again, given the opportunity.

Next week it’s every improviser for himself.

On Tuesday TLaG had our auditions. When I walked in I was really excited to see five women there to audition . We were a little disorganized, in spite of the fact that we had met online to discuss the audition format. We even had a written agenda, but we reshaped it once we got started.

Everyone was so good and we really had fun being with them all, which was actually one of our most important criteria. We saw a lot of potential talent and with more training, every one of them will be awesome.

Afterwards, TLaG went to Linda’s to discuss and CeCe, Diana and I each won a free Bass Ale (CeCe gave hers to Diana). We ate wings and fries and talked about the audition and other stuff and it was good to be together and to be us, though Lyda’s absence was keenly felt as we made our decision.

We chose Callie Peck and Lauren Watson. They are wonderful and I look forward to playing with them, but I can’t help but feel that something has passed. We will grow and get better and better, but I fear we may lose that special intimacy that was a result of our small size and the fact that we created this thing from nothing and nurtured it until it became something truly special. I will treasure it always.

 

[Lisa P]

I could really use a break, but I don't know what for.

Just hanging around. Nothing much to do. No TLaG practice because almost everybody is on Spring break. PT and I bitched about that on IM a little while. We wished we got a Spring break. I said the only thing that makes me feel better is the thought of them all out in the real world someday saying, “What do you mean I don’t get any days off between New Year’s and Memorial Day?!”

I bugged Scott for a little while.

DrScottJennings: just in case you needed an anonymous reminder, with no assumptions, american idol is on.
LCPalmi: don't watch it
LCPalmi: just survivor
LCPalmi: it's real
DrScottJennings: uh huh. they're all real, lisa palmisano. all of them.
LCPalmi: only survivor is real
LCPalmi: those poor people stranded all alone
DrScottJennings: ok, bye.
LCPalmi: haha
LCPalmi: how could american idol be real if clay didn't win?
DrScottJennings: hush.
LCPalmi: oh, sorry, was i making too much noise?
DrScottJennings: i'm trying to watch american idol.
LCPalmi: no, pay attention to ME!
DrScottJennings: nope. not happening.
LCPalmi: umm, i beg to differ
LCPalmi: i love you, scott, go watch your show now
DrScottJennings: shhhhh.
LCPalmi: ok. i'll just sit over here and be very, very quiet. you don't have to tell me to be quiet. i'll just sit here and not type a peep.

Ahhh. That was fun.

*sigh*

*sigh*

All my classes are done. No practice group till Spring break is over. I have no idea what to do with myself. I have forgotten how to entertain myself when I don’t have improv.

Building Maintenance Guy was surprised when I told him I didn’t have to drive out to Chapel Hill. He is very sweet and worries about me driving so much. I think he feels like he should, since I don’t have anyone else to worry about me.

Work was really draining last week, and this week doesn’t seem to have started off any better. As if I don’t have enough work to do, people keep coming in with all kinds of additional, fleet related stuff. I do love my job, but the last week and a half I’ve really felt like I’m treading water in very rough seas. I will catch up eventually.

There was another rainbow around the moon last night. Since they were calling for light snow today, I wasn’t really surprised, but it was still very magical. I wondered if anyone else had seen it. Maybe it was just for me.

I used to assume that everyone saw things in cloud formations. Eventually I became aware that it was a talent only the dreamiest and most creative of us are blessed with. Driving home Sunday I saw a cloud formation that looked like a hand pouring something out. Not kind of like a hand. Exactly like a hand. I know when God is talking to me.

 

[Lisa P]

It's true, there really is no such thing

I ate my boss’s lunch today.

He was in a big Manager’s meeting where they ordered in lunch and then he was unexpectedly called to the Greensboro branch. He called from his car and told me to go get his lunch and eat it if I wanted to. I did have the option of giving it to Building Maintenance Guy, but hey, it isn’t often in life that you get a free lunch.

It wasn't the case today, either. As soon as I finished eating I had to work on settling an insurance claim that should have been settled two weeks ago, but the insurance company (I won’t name it, but it rhymes with Plate Arm) is being especially difficult. Plate Arm is not my company’s insurance carrier. The other driver was at fault and totaled our car. I am shocked at how passive-aggressively uncooperative they are being.

Maybe this is just the claim where everything went wrong. I doubt it, though. One thing I learned while collecting insurance claims for Duke Hospital is that the job of the claims rep is to steadfastly avoid paying any claims. Obviously, auto claims are no different.

So, yeah, I was pretty stressed out by the end of the day. Even Building Maintenance Guy said I need some improv. But that I should be careful driving and not stay out too late tomorrow night. It’s nice to have somebody who worries about me.

Joanna’s boyfriend is here visiting. He came for dinner, but he got here late, so it wasn’t a sit down dinner (we don’t have too many of those here, anyway) He went into the kitchen and asked Joanna “Where are the plates at?” she replied “You know where they’re at.” And then she yelled at him for making her dangle a participle. That cracked me up. I called him a bastard. Fortunately, he knew I was kidding. Either that or he doesn’t care what I think.

I can’t believe I completely forgot to mention the coolest thing in my last post! Saturday night my name was drawn (again!) for Natural Selection. Last time I was picked I had a whole week to work up a good worry. Now they do it a little differently. Now the Selectee just jumps right on stage and plays right then and there.

I had so much fun! I had two scenes with Porter Mason that were delightful to play. In one of them, where we were a couple afraid to take a hot air balloon flight, we had this most sublime moment. It was a thing of perfect timing. Absolutely accidental, but it was wonderful. Those are the moments we live for, we improvisers. Those perfectly timed moments of accidental pure genius.

Ahhhh, it was good.

 

[Lisa P]

Cheaper than therapy, and way more fun.

I just wrote up my class notes from the last Advanced Scenework class and I mentioned how I had not cried on the way home from any of them. In fact, I didn’t cry on the way home from any of Ross’s Harold classes, either. Ross used to make me cry on a regular basis. Not because he was mean, but because he challenged me so much.

I was no less challenged in these classes. Ross pushed us hard and yelled in that endearing crackpot style of his, and if Scott Jennings doesn’t challenge you whenever you’re around him then you must be in a coma.

It’s just that I have grown strong and confident and I no longer worry that I am letting everyone down. There are several reasons for this. One reason is that I no longer believe it and the other is that I just plain don’t worry so much about it. Oh, I always will to some degree I suppose. I think it comes from being raised during the feminist movement.

Most of my generation grew up watching our moms in the traditional stay at home wife/mother roles, and we thought that was what we were supposed to be, but there was an undercurrent we weren’t really aware of.

Our moms were the daughters of Rosie the Riveter. American women during WWII went to work because all the men were at war, and they learned that there was more to life than making sure dinner was on the table when hubby got home. After the war was over, they were pushed back into those traditional roles, but they had outgrown them. They were no longer satisfied to stay in the house.

Their daughters, our mothers, sensed their frustration and translated it into a movement that changed American culture forever. But it didn’t happen all at once. We were still taught by society that good girls stayed at home and took care of everyone, and even though we know now that we can do anything we want, there is still this sense that we aren’t doing what we’re supposed to be doing. We’re afraid to let anyone down about anything. That’s where that Super Soccer Mom thing comes from. So many of us still try to be all things to all people, including ourselves.

I was fortunate to have been raised by the daughter/niece of women who did not accept traditional roles. My grandmother and my great-aunt both owned their own businesses. In fact, now that I think of it, my dad’s mom and aunt did, too. How awesome.

All that to say that I am still stuck with an unreasonable need to please, but that I am learning to overcome it.

In my notes I linked to my post about rage. That was almost a year ago. Re-reading it made me realize how far I have really come. At my core I am the same person I have always been, but I am no longer afraid to be myself. I am still shy, but I am not afraid to take a chance and get to know people, and I am not afraid to let them know me.

Improv as therapy was a complete success. I am cured. Will I stop? Fuck no. Now it’s all about having fun.