A Hopeless Romantic

I heard this on the radio today, and it totally reminded me of us...

Hey, hey, hey

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moving, the smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
Hey, hey,hey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny
I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna, and I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight

The way you can cut a rug, watching you's the only drug I need
You're so gangsta, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see, I can be myself now finally, in fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you be with me

Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do tonight,
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
Hey, hey,hey

Hey, hey,hey

So even though I "know" guys and get along with guys better than I get along with girls, they are still confusing to me. Especially the commitment-phobe ones. I just don't understand how their actions will scream "yes, I'm in a relationship" but they won't talk about it, and will even go so far as to deny it. I don't get those guys.

So I had already posted, that right at the beginning Matt had told me that I shouldn't expect "coupledom, marriage and the whole shebang" and I was cool with that. I knew he was very independent, a busy guy and seemed like the type to keep his options open, or at least leave himself an "out." I didn't care, I just really really liked him and really wanted to get closer to him. And besides, I knew once he really got to know me, he would think I was just the coolest chick in the world, and that he would eventually change his mind ;)

And I think things are going very well so far... Pretty much ever since we passionately made-out that first weekend of April, we've been gradually getting closer and closer. We've texted each other every single night since then, to the point where we're both in bed under the covers almost falling asleep while still texting each other. We constant flirt over text too. But no talking on the phone though, we actually talk to each other a LOT at work or while hanging out. He's called me a few times to finalize plans for the evening when we go out with friends, but that's about it.

We hang out with each other both Friday and Saturday nights most of the time. Usually with his best friend or our co-workers, but I always see him on the weekends none-the-less. And if his best friend is out on a date with his new girl, Matt will come over and hang out with me. If he has other plans, I don't care, I have other things I can do too.

We work with each other twice a week so we see each other then. Plus he also comes over to my place 1-3 weeknights to watch movies and other "stuff" ;) depending on how busy we are. Now, I'm afraid I might just be a "movie friend" or a friends with benefits type thing, but I don't really know.

We've never been on any dates together, except for a "default" Valentine's Day date to a reptile show a few months back, but we weren't together back then...things were still brewing. And we did go to a bunch of thrift stores one afternoon and had a bunch of fun together which was about a month ago after we had been "sort of" together for a few short weeks. Someone I knew had asked him if he was my boyfriend and he said something along the lines of "Well, I'm sure she would LIKE me to be, but...etc." I think I subconsciously blocked out his response at that point because I didn't like what I was hearing, lol. But lately he has been talking about doing some more things together instead of just watching movies, but we're both just so busy most of the time. The only real time we have is later at night and we're both night owls anyway. We are going to a roller derby match this Saturday, probably just the two of us since no one else has showed any interest. And I had been slightly hinting at doing more than just movie nights, and I think he's been getting the hint...

One thing I do want to point out is that I have made sure not to initiate a lot of this. I make it clear that I really like him and flirt with him, but I don't text him first, or don't ask him to hang out first. I let him do that 75% of the time. I don't want to seem too needy and figure if I pull back a bit, he'll feel free enough to come back for more. And so far it's been working out well. Plus I don't mind taking it super-slow. The last relationship I was in, we jumped right in and took things VERY fast. That one started with a bang and ended with a bang, numerous bangs, lol. So I like that this one has started out as a friendship first and is slowly progressing towards more...

So, being the over-analyzing girl that I am, I am probably thinking too hard into some of the things he has been saying and texting me recently. I mean, I think I have good reason to think that things may be going well, and that maybe he's been thinking about getting more serious? I dunno, that would be nice though. He had made a text comment a few days ago about being "regular soul-mates," and it's funny because I had thought that too. I even read it in an astrology book, our birthdays were each other's soul-mate matches. Anyways, he's also been making a lot of comments lately about family members of his having things in common with me, and how certain family members would probably like me. So I can tell those gears are turning for him. I haven't been over to his house yet, but he said that I will eventually come over there soon, and most likely meet his parents too. Friends with benefits don't usually do this, do they? :wishy:

And he has been using the words "Us, we & our" a lot lately, and usually referring to the future. He's been talking about all sorts of movies and shows we gotta watch together too. I told him that it would take forever to watch all of this stuff at the rate we've been going and suggested a marathon movie day, and he really liked that idea. He's also a jokester and makes silly comments about us starting a Mates of State tribute band together, or us getting our own reality TV show together and doing it way better than the people we're watching. He really wants me to make him my infamous chicken noodler soup, and knows I probably won't get a chance to make it anytime soon, but says "someday, someday." Oh yeah, he has also commented to me a few times about how he's amazed that I haven't gotten sick of him and his crazy antics yet, lol. I really LIKE that part of him!

Matt's best friend Luke is all worried about the girl he's been seeing for the past few weeks. They've only had like 4 dates and already he's having the "What are we" conversation with her. I'm almost afraid to bring that up with Matt because I don't want to scare him away. Plus I feel like I'm holding back so much too.... I hate not knowing where exactly I stand.
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The Roller-Derby was really fun. On the way there Matt was talking about how I should come with him to more things this summer, and on the way home we were having fun singing along to music in my car. We stopped back so he could get his car and before he got out, he leaned over and kissed me for a few minutes. Then we went to a friend's bonfire. Matt and I arrived together, and left for a little bit to get some food together. This was the first time that we were obviously "together" in front of all our friends.

The next day on Sunday he invited me to go with him to visit a graveyard (that's one of his "things," he researches gravestones). That was fun, and I think he was surprised that I liked going. On the way there we got some Jamba Juice, and on the way home we stopped and ate some dinner. When he dropped me off at home, we kissed again.

The last time he came over to my house, after the movie we just held each other the whole time and talked. It was nice. He was actually opening up more to me about himself, and not joking and goofing around so much. I've been noticing him touching me more often too, like absent-mindedly grabbing one of my fingers while we're sitting next to each other talking, or putting his hand on my back when I'm popping in a DVD and setting the sound, etc. Before that, it used to be surprise tickles in the ribs, but now it's a different kind of touching... Then before he left to go home, we made out passionately on the porch for about 15 minutes. But I still don't know what "we" are. But it's only been 2 months though, so time will tell.

We played 20 questions together over text message last night which was fun! Learned a lot about each other. And I learned the best qualities he likes in a girl pretty much described me. And then I ended it "innocently" enough with favorite sexual fantasy. lol, he answered it with "Well I did have one about an older girl...but now it's a reality ;-P " (i'm 4 years older than him).

We're all going camping together this weekend, and Matt has made comments about sleeping in my tent and tickling each other and making goofy noises together to freak everyone out! Hah! So that will be the next time all our friends see us REALLY together. Maybe? As of right now, I'm not even really sure if he's really sleeping in my tent. Luke, his best friend keeps asking what is going on with sleeping arrangements, but I think he should already know who is bunking with who. We're going with another couple; Andy and Whitney, Matt and I, and Luke and Tom. Tom absolutely refuses to bunk with Matt, so I don't know why Luke keeps asking about the sleeping arrangements... Maybe he himself is wondering what Matt and I are? I mean, he must know that Matt and I have been seeing each other for the past 2 months, they must tell each other most things. They joke around that they are each other's hetero-life-partners.

I hate not knowing myself. I've never been "in-between" like this, I've always been officially a "girlfriend" or "single." I mean, Matt and I don't act like a couple in front of our friends, and especially not at work (not sure how work would feel about that) but we definitely have strong feelings for each other when we are together, just us two. And I know his whole hang-up is that he doesn't want to feel "controlled." That's just who he is, but he's gotta know by now that I'm not the type to do that. And as far as I can tell, he's definitely not seeing anyone else, I'm the only one. But he's really farking busy right now trying to finish school and get his degree finally. We haven't seen each other much since the Rollery-Derby weekend, and he even lost his Tuesday night shift at work, so I see him one day less a week. But we've consistently texted every night still and he keeps talking about all these things he wants to do with me soon. So maybe once he gets all that done, we'll start doing more things together. And maybe I'll finally get an answer to my wondering...
"Happy Together" by The Turtles

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together (ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba)
I don't know what to think anymore... Matt hasn't come over for the past 2 weeks since he's been extremely busy finishing a paper he needs to complete in order to graduate college. He's taken this semester off, and has enough credits to graduate if he just finishes this one project from 1 semester ago.

We did have a fun time last weekend when we all went camping together. Hah, he asked if he could sleep in my tent, and we had an extremely passionate make-out session the first night. He even told me he really likes being with me, a lot. He even said he would make it over to my place sometime in the next week since he didn't come over the week prior, but he never did come over. He even told me this past Wednesday that he was contemplating coming over that evening or finishing the last bit of his paper, but never came over. And now he has family in town this weekend, and we won't get to see each other again. He has texted me every single night still, but I mean c'mon... I know he's been busy, but if I guy truly likes you, he'll MAKE time to see you at least once a week. :mad:

I'm starting to get annoyed playing the waiting game. I know there are plenty of guys out there who would like to take me out and hang out with me. I don't need to be wined and dined, I just want someone to spend some time with.

And the thing that really gets me is that I found out he still logs into his OKCupid account numerous times a week. When I saw that, my heart dropped. Even though we aren't serious, we have some freaking awesome chemistry together, do guys really still look around thinking they'll find something better?!?? :confused:

Maybe I'll get my match.com account back up. Or I heard PlentyOFish was decent too... I don't need to be wasting my time waiting around for someone who told me in the first place that I should not expect "coupledom, marriage, and the whole shebang."
Another week went by before Matt came over again last night. It had been 3 weeks total! Luckily his paper is pretty much done, and we'll be seeing each other more often again. He has already talked about us doing a few things together coming up.

After we watched our movie, we pretty much continued where we left off from that night of camping! It had been so long and we were all over each other! All the doubts I had been having were in my head. He even told me he could barely contain himself a few days earlier on Monday the last time we worked together. Hah, same here.

Which reminds me, about 10-11 years earlier, I think I had a dream about him! While I worked at the library at that time, I had a dream that I was passionately making out with someone inside the community room of the library, and the guy had me pinned up against the wall and we were both really into each other. This guy was wearing dark colored clothes, average build, and had dark hair. Which describes Matt! Back then at the time this dream perplexed me because I didn't work with anyone like that at the library. I had 2 guy co-workers, and there was NO WAY I would consider doing that with either of them, LOL. So I just brushed it off at the time, and forgot about the dream until I met Matt...
This weekend I get to see Matt a lot! Friday we're going to watch a free outdoor movie in the park with some of our friends. Then Saturday we're seeing a band that we know at a bar. Then Sunday on my birthday Matt and I were planning on seeing a movie in Chicago, but the movie we wanted to see is not playing anymore. So instead we're just going to grab a bite to eat and watch a movie at my place.

So do guys joke about marriage with girls if its been running across their mind? I mean, it's not like we're anywhere near that stage, we've never even said "I love you" or anything like that yet. But there have been a few times Matt has made jokes about being married to me.

2 months before we starting "dating," he made a few jokes about how if I agreed with him on something, he would marry me, and he even said my first and middle name with his last name. That same night he was asking me if I could make a goatse cake for a friend's birthday coming up and said he would marry someone who would make a goatse cake (which I did a month later!).

Then after we started dating, we were lying in my bed talking about stuff (after making out) and he made a joke about us getting porn as a "marital aid." And a couple nights ago at the library, he came in to work for someone. So him and I were working upstairs together which is very rare. Normally we work together downstairs sitting in the Children's section. But upstairs is different, it's busy, more things to do, more people to deal with. I was on the phone and needed to check something across the counter, so I stretched the phone cord past Matt and he got caught in it a little bit and said his usual "Take it easy!" then added with a smile "You're just lucky we're not married!"

Huh? I don't understand why he said that. Then someone started talking to him, and I helped a patron so we just forgot about it. But it did put a smile on my face because I know guys don't say that type of stuff unless it's been on their mind. Actually, that wasn't the end of it. That same work shift, Matt was talking to our coworker about marriage still. Matt was joking about how if he ever got married, his reception would be a big bonfire outdoors. And then he joked that if he ever got married, he would want Andy as his best man just because he would look cooler standing next to him and not to tell Luke (Matt's best friend).
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Haha, so I think people at work are suspecting that Matt and I are dating! On Friday, a co-worker's daughter Lauren, came and hung out with all of us for the first time ever. The guys were trying to set her up with Tom and convinced her to come out with us. Well at some point in the night, Andy's girlfriend Whitney, Lauren and I were all sitting on the trampoline and Lauren asks me "So how long have you and Matt been dating?" I was SO surprised to hear that. I asked her "How did you know?" And she said her mom had told her! Her mom said that Matt and I don't really talk about it, and said that I'm usually pretty quiet, but I'll talk to people if they talk to me, lol. Her mom works with Matt and I at the library, and I've only just barely started talking to her lately since schedules have been shifted around. And I know Matt talks to her all the time.

Then Saturday night I met up with a bunch of different co-workers at a little bar where a band we knew was playing. It was a few of the older ladies we work with from the library. And Matt was there, along with a few different younger people we sometimes hang out with. I had gotten there pretty late, and shortly after, the younger people left. But it was still Matt and me, and a few of the older ladies that like to party and drink. Well, co-worker Margo drunkenly asks Matt and I if we were dating, and another co-worker Jennifer is shushing her and smiling! Matt and I just look at each other and smile and laugh. We didn't answer her question though, and I think she got the point.

We've never really officially told anyone, not even our group of friends. Hell, Matt and I have never really talked about it with each other! But I know our friends have probably already assumed, just by seeing us together. But at work, we don't act like a couple and don't really act any different than we usually do. I know everyone we work with knows all of us are pretty tight and hang out every weekend, but I don't know how they would suspect Matt and I are dating! Maybe it's just basic addition and subtraction. They all know Andy has a girlfriend, and they all know about a girl Luke is dating. And they all know the guys are trying to set up Tom with Lauren. So that pretty much leaves Matt and I.

I guess if people saw us together at work on Mondays, (the only day we work next to each other and we're downstairs together where it isn't very busy), they could probably tell something was up between us. We are always sitting very close to each other looking at stuff on the computer. Or laughing and joking around with each other.

Sunday was a good day too. It was my birthday and Matt came over a lot earlier than he usually does, like at 4pm. We went and got some dinner then came back to my place and watched a movie. He fell asleep on my shoulder which was cute, lol. We always end up holding both of each other's hands, or arms or whatnot. I love watching movies with him. He's such a cuddler!
I am a very patient person especially when I know something is a sure thing. But I can be VERY impatient sometimes when I do not know what the future holds.

So Matt and I have been friends for 6 months and we have been dating for 3 of those months now... Things are really great between us. We always have an awesome time together whether it be at work, hanging with friends, or just us two together. My favorite times are when the two of us are alone together, but it's frustrating at the same time because things are just going SO SLOW! Or maybe I just have a warped sense of what is "normal speed" for dating, because in my last relationship I was living with the person after 3 months!

But I guess I just have to enjoy the moment and enjoy the times we do spend together, especially the alone times. It's good because waiting just makes it that much sweeter when we finally do get to hang out alone together. I mean, the wait really helps to build things up. Whenever we kiss, it's always very intense and passionate. Whenever we watch a movie together, we're always holding and caressing each others hands or arms or something. That, or we're always tickling or touching each other in some way. We're still finding similarities between us, and we just have a really good vibe going with each other.

It sorta sucks though because I'm ready to be with someone 24/7 and be attached at the hip, while Matt is more of a social circle kind of guy who goes out and does different things with different people. I just wish we weren't SO casual and that he would include me in more of his social things. But oh well, I guess all I can do is continue to be an awesome and cool friend. And hope he'll want to spend more and more time with me and eventually officially consider me his girlfriend. He does always mention things we gotta do together, or mention casual plans for the future, but it still seems like I'm constantly playing the waiting game.

I'm just not used to this casual dating thing. I'm used to guys wanting to spend most of their time with me. And when I don't see Matt for nearly a week, and especially when I don't get any text messages from him 2 nights in a row, I start to get really insecure. It just sucks. I start to worry that he's losing interest in me, or that he's hanging out with friends and meeting new chicks or something. And I know he is definitely not the type to cheat, or date more than 1 girl at a time. He just wouldn't hurt someone like that, I know he would be upfront about that. Plus he usually ends up telling me all about the things he does, so I know he isn't going out on dates. But of course that's what my crazy female-mind thinks of! lol.

And I know he's the type who doesn't want to be controlled and values his freedom, so I just let him "be" and do his own thing and he always comes back to me. At the same time I think he does want a relationship... I am afraid of even bringing up the topic of "us" and where we're going, for fear of scaring him off or something. I am leaving it completely on him to initiate the "talk" as to what the status of our relationship is. I'll let him be in control of it all... I almost wonder if I should talk to his best friend Luke about all of this. But then I'd be afraid of his best friend relaying the info back to Matt! But at the same time I do think I could trust in him. At least if I talked to his best friend, I might be able to get some more insight into the situation and stop worrying so much. I work with him one day a week, so maybe I can casually ask him a few things next time we work...
by Matthew Arnold

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam’st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!

Or, as thou never cam’st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth,
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say, My love why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Love and Romantic ((hugs))
You know, when I started dating Matt about 3 months ago, at that time he had told me over text "don't expect coupledom, marriage, and the whole shebang." And I was cool with that at the time because I figured it would be easy to change his mind. But it's turning out to be a bit harder than I thought...

It's complicated because we haven't really told anyone we are seeing each other. But now our friends have definitely caught on, they just sort of assume we're together especially after the camping weekend. Plus other coworkers who aren't even in our close circle of friends are starting to ask us if we are dating. Matt and I both brush it off and don't really answer.

I know he's totally into me, I could tell as soon as we first met each other half a year ago. We have so many similarities it's ridiculous, I never met anyone who was so similar to me. But sometimes he can be so hot and cold. When we're alone, he's really into me, but when we're out with our friends he acts completely different, like we're not together. But he always ends up near me, sitting next to me, and talks to me, etc. I look at our other friends with their girlfriends in their arms and wonder why he doesn't want that. Just about everyone is paired up with someone else, and Matt is even trying to hook up the last single guy with Lauren, the newer person recently added to our group.

This past weekend just sort of pissed me off about the whole situation, and I want him to realize he can't keep on beating around the bush with me. I almost think he's playing hard to get sometimes. There have been a couple times over text where he joked with me about "If you play your cards right...this will happen, etc." Last weekend on my birthday he took me out to eat and we watched a movie at my place, but that was it. No card or little gift or anything. I thought for sure that we would fool around a bit after the movie, or at the very least make-out. But after our movie was over, he even kept me hanging and said we'll have to save the "mattress olympics" for the next time he comes over and he ended up leaving early that night. At least we got to make out on my porch for 15 minutes...

Talking to him is out of the question, he is totally the type who would run after being confronted with the "what are we" conversation. I know he is the type who feels like he needs to be in control, and he would want to be the one to initiate that type of conversation. So that is why I am going to start playing a bit hard to get, make myself not so available. Make him realize he can't just call me 30 minutes before he wants to come over, etc. I won't automatically come out on a Friday night after being asked an hour in advance. I'll start making plans with other guys. I literally have a line of guys waiting to date me on that Plenty of Fish website. Even though I don't really want to, I'll start playing his "card game" and see where that gets me...
So I figured it out! I think...

I talked to his best friend Luke at work today and got some answers. So it turns out Matt has been really hurt in the past with most of his relationships and he is just scared to get into another one just to be burned once again. That is why he's been so hot and cold, and seems like he will distance himself every so often. Luke had even asked him in the past what was going on between Matt and I, and Matt had told him he liked me, but was not calling it a relationship or anything in case it fizzled out someday, then in theory he wouldn't get hurt.

It's really frustrating because that kind of thinking just sets you up for failure no matter what happens! Even if things are working out great and something amazing could come out of it, the fact that someone keeps you at arms length only sets it up for failure! It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Luke said he'll talk to Matt the next time he sees him. Pretty much tell him to "piss or get off the pot" type of thing. I just hope it doesn't scare Matt away...
I know this sounds totally "high school," but it's not. In a way, I'm just content in letting things "be" and run their course naturally. Because I know Matt really likes me, and it's obvious he's just being cautious and taking things really slow so that he won't get hurt. But at the same time, I'm so impatient in all of this that i'm sort of glad that Luke offered to "encourage" Matt about the situation.

So yesterday in passing, Luke had briefly told me that he started talking to Matt and said things were looking good in my favor and that he would talk to him more about it and let me know later. So that made me happy that day. I wonder what he'll have to say to me.

So yesterday Matt asked if I wanted to do something with him tomorrow. I told him of course. So I can't wait for tomorrow. And I'm not sure what's going on tonight since today is his birthday! I'm assuming and hoping all of us will hang out at someone's place, I haven't heard anything yet.
So I had a fun time with Matt on Sunday. Though he cut it short and moved it earlier in the day because something came up for that evening. But he said he would totally make it up to me. I told him I was going to hold him up to it, otherwise I would kidnap him, tie him to my computer chair and tickle him to death and who knows what else...lol. Then he's like "ew syyick, pervo! and ahem... pray tell, what would this other stuff entail?" hah and we flirted back and forth for a bit. He also said we will have our "movie day marathon" soon, sometime before we go on a ghost tour with a bunch of friends at the end of this month which is what he decided to do for his birthday. I suggested a movie marathon day nearly 2 months ago, so maybe it will finally happen...

Hah, then at work tonight, he seemed really eager to work with me and talk to me. We had last Monday off for the holiday, so it had seemed like forever since we last got to sit around and talk. I told him I got the Frontier House DVD that day from the library system and he was really excited! He said that we gotta watch it together, so hopefully that means he'll be coming over a bit more often these next few weeks...

So I know this is probably totally lame, but I put up a Craigslist ad in the strictly platonic section looking for some girl friends. I've gotten a handful of replies, some weird and some seemed really cool. I have been emailing back and forth one girl who has a lot in common with me, and we seem to have the same type of energy in our emails! We grew up in the same town, have similar hobbies and interests and she lives pretty close to me. We're going to meet and do something fun this week, so I hope she turns out to be a cool friend! I hope maybe one or two other girls turn out to be cool too. Because I love my group of library friends and all, but I can't always rely on them to be my only source of entertainment. Some weekends will go by where I'm sitting at home twiddling my thumbs completely bored out of my mind. So I'm determined to change that...

Besides, If things really do start getting serious between Matt and I, I don't want to rely on a boyfriend's friends as my only friends again. Things are going to be different this time around. I want and need my own set of friends so that I have something to do when they're all busy. Plus it's good to give a guy his space, make them miss you a bit. From everything I've been reading about getting a guy to want you is to make yourself "unavailable" a bit of the time. Make it known that you really like them and want to hang out with them, but make it so that they have to PLAN spending time with you in order to catch up with you because you're so busy and in demand. Hah, that is so NOT me, but I can try!
What do you do when you know someone is so perfect for you, almost like they were made for you, and they are not ready for a commitment? You know they want the relationship, want the closeness, but they pull away because they are not ready for it. You want to be with them and talk to them, but they seem to go into hiding?

Matt didn't text me ALL WEEK LONG. I didn't text him either because I don't want to be the one chasing him, he has to want to come to me. Plus I'll give him his space to work things out in his head. He finally texted me Friday night from Kentucky! I was out bowling with his best friends and a few other people from the library, and I got a text from him. I didn't see it until 2 hours after I got it, so I hope he was sweating and worrying about why I wasn't contacting him back right away. Hah, we sent a few goofy texts back and forth and I think he fell asleep because he didn't answer my last text until the next morning and we texted back and forth a few more times. He went down to Kentucky with his parents for a family reunion, so another weekend goes by where I don't get to see him.

I had a dream a few nights ago where Matt and I were kissing and he told me he loved me. I did not say anything back in my dream for fear that he would run away and pull back again. I also had another dream about him last night where I was giving him a head massage and scratching his scalp and kissing his forehead. My dreams are very prophetic and have consistently been right about future events, so I'm hoping this means that he will stop resisting his feelings and be with me more. I remember about a week or two before him and I hung out alone and made out for the first time, I had a dream where he playfully touched my shoulder and breast. That was the first time I had a dream like that about him and it came true soon after! Before that, I would have a few dreams about him, but they were more innocent like where he was too busy to be with me, or distracted by other things. I could go on and on about other dreams I have had that have come true but they are about unrelated topics.

Anyway, Matt has not come over to my house since my birthday 3 weeks ago. We have not kissed since then, and I really really hope he comes over sometime during this next week. He sure knows how to test a girl's patience! At least I get to work with him tonight, so I look forward to talking with him for 3 hours later...
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Hah, so later that night after Matt and I worked together at the library, he sent me a text message saying how the timing of the golf outing the next day couldn't be worse because he really wanted to come over and watch a movie with me that night. Man, that really sucks because it's been like 3 weeks! And that was the only night he had free since he is going to be busy the rest of the week. So somehow we got onto a hot texting conversation full of sexual innuendos, it was pretty hot. Hehe, after we ended the conversation around 1am, I "tried" to go to bed right away since we had to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn. I think I only got like 2 hours of sleep, my mind kept me up all night ;-)

Then the next morning Matt and I met at Luke's house at 7am to help his dad at a police golf outing that day. We were keg security. I am so surprised that Matt came since apparently he always says he will help out each year, but he always backs out at the last minute since he has a really hard time waking up early. Like really hard time. I think the only reason why he came was because I was going. He doesn't drink either, so it's not like he went to enjoy the free beer! So we all spent the whole day together, ate lunch together, drove the golf carts together, then ate dinner together. I sat next to Matt, it was the first time we had a sit down "dinner" like that together, it was nice even if we shared it with 100 other people. For some reason someone squeezed an extra chair next to me that stayed empty during dinner, so I was RIGHTnext to him, bumping elbows, knees and shoulders.

So Matt and I have a few things planned. He invited a bunch of people to come with him on a Chicago Ghost Tour at the end of this month, but me and another girl were the only people who bought tickets before they sold out. Then Matt and I have plans to watch the Perseids Meteor shower in mid August. I can't wait for that! Then in mid October him and I are going on an overnight ghost investigation at a haunted house in Joliet. I can't wait for that too!
So Matt finally came over this past Monday night to watch a movie. It's been a whole month! And let's just say we both didn't make it through the night without numerous hickies, lol. We always end up giving each other at least one major one in a noticeable spot, yet never remember doing it!

So this Friday we're watching a free movie in the park with the library friends. Then Saturday him and I are going on the ghost tour. He has one of his "Beatles" friends coming too, and she's another chick. They're strictly platonic friends, and I know he's not into her. I even met her once during the 4th of July, and she seemed like a girl I'd get along with. So I'm really curious if he'll sit next to me on the bus, or if he'll sit next to her as a friend and still pretend like he's not with me... hmmmm
So this weekend has been really fun even though my dad passed away a few days ago. Everyone has been inviting me out and keeping me busy. I've seen Matt a lot this week too!

Wednesday I picked up a shift at the library and worked with Matt for half of it.

Then Friday all of us went to eat at Pepe's, and Matt gave me 2 hugs when I got there since that was the first time I saw him after the news about my Dad. Then afterwards we went back to Luke's and watched Beavis and Butthead. I sat next to Matt on the couch and we were touching shoulders and arms a bit, but he still isn't comfortable with us being a "couple" in front of everyone yet, so he was keeping his distance. Then as we left, we were alone by our cars and he gave me another hug and a kiss on the cheek which was new. We've never done any type of contact while saying goodbye after just "hanging out" with our friends. But it's probably because my dad died recently...

Then Saturday was the ghost tour. I had an hour to kill before the library closed and Matt got off work, so I stopped at the library to print directions. Then I went downstairs to talk to Matt and Eric. The original plan was, I was to pick up Matt from his house 15 minutes after the library closed, and then we would pick up Michelle then head to Chicago. Well I figured since I had 15 minutes to burn, I offered to drive our coworker Eric to the next town over. I think Matt was actually going to invite me over to his house since I was at the library, but I had already offered to drive our friend Eric! Doh! So I drop off Eric, then I head to Matt's and It's like 25-30 minutes after the library closed, so we were a little behind schedule. So as I'm picking up Matt, his parents are leaving to go somewhere at the same time, so I got to get a glimpse of them. They were looking over at my car probably trying to get a glimpse of me. Lol, trying to see what the girl looks like who gives their son hickies all the time! When Matt got in the car he said he would introduce me to his parents next time. Then we go and pick up Michelle which took twice as long as it should have because of all sorts of construction. Then we were on our way to Chicago finally!

So we get off our exit in Chicago and it is backed up like a motherfucker! At this point we are cutting it really close and are probably going to be late. We're all worried that we're going to miss the ghost tour buses. We finally drive by the street where they are parked and see them still there, yes! So we quickly park, run down to the street, and they're gone! FUCK! If only I didn't drive Eric home! DOH! We couldn't believe we missed it! So we just decide to get something to eat and then walk around Michigan Avenue. Most places were closing up around that time too, so we ended up at Borders and browsed for like 2 hours. We all had a lot of fun hanging out downtown. So then we head home around midnight, I drop off Michelle, and then I drop off Matt. Right before he got out of my car, he grabs my arm with both hands and leans over to give me a kiss for a couple of minutes.
So I've seen Matt a lot this week! We spent Monday working together like usual. Then Wednesday Matt and Luke stopped by my Dad's wake during the day. I was glad they stopped by, it meant a lot to me. They got to meet my grandparents, aunt and uncles, my brothers, and a few other people. Then later that evening I hung out with them for a little bit.

Then tonight on Friday Matt and I saw "Dinner For Schmucks" together. He had asked me a few days ago and it wasn't a last minute thing! And then we got some ice cream and drove around town for a bit. Did a lot of talking and laughing, it was fun. Then we sat in my driveway for like half an hour kissing and talking more.

And then tomorrow Matt asked me to go see American English with him, a Beatles cover band. He always goes to see this band like every week or so, and has a whole different group of friends he goes with. So this is the first time he asked me to come with. So this should be interesting, I'll get to meet his "Beatles friends."

Then he also asked me to come back with him to the movie theater on Sunday to watch Back to The Future. And then he mentioned how he will come back to my place sometime this week to watch a movie, especially since I have the whole house to myself for the next 6-7 days...

And then Thursday we're watching the Perseids meteor shower together. So we've been spending a lot of time together and still have a bunch of plans coming up! I wonder how long this will continue because I like it!
The Meteor shower Thursday night was really cool. A few of our friends watched with us over at an adjacent park for about an hour then they called it a night. There were too many lights over there, so Matt and I walked over to the graveyard which is right next door to Luke's house and we laid on a road inside there and continued to watch the meteor shower. It was nice just talking to him the whole time.

I've been seeing him so much lately between extra shifts at work and hanging out more often. We've grown a lot closer in the past few weeks, and he's slowly starting to open up more to me...