A Hopeless Romantic

The following posts in this thread will be stuff I have written about losing love.

I would LOVE to hear from you, and hear your comments on these writings. It so comforting to hear that people go through the same thing, or are really affected by something you have written.
Like Music

I'm just a hopeless romantic
So full of passion and blind love
No words can even begin to describe
That what we had was like music
A perfect rhythm for a perfect harmony
The best and forever my favorite, my dear

Too bad we have to part ways now
We had to pause it on this note
I wish it didn't have to be like this
I wanted to watch you grow
Keep the tempo in the grand pause
It's time for the solo to play

I will keep you in mind and think of you
I hope you remember all the good times
You only have to remember the music
And wait until it comes back into tune
The cadence will play in the meantime
Your sky is filled with the luckiest stars

Goodluck and Goodbye

by Jenn
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Cinematic Dreamscape

Running to the future with you right by my side
Blind, oblivious to all but one
You're the one I sing my songs for
Songs to keep this fire lit,
words to make the feelings spark.
Your golden face shines on me

Etched in time, etched in skin
Whispered words of infinite bliss
You're like a burning flame
and I'll never be the same
I gravitate to your will
It absorbs our whole being
It engulfs me
Your sun rays shine on me
Your love's solar

Timidly exchanging blushing smiles
Secretly exchanging glances
These curious eyes want to be part of you

Realizing what is meant to be
Thrown into each other’s lives
The chemistry is correct

Exhausting our eager exploration
Found the secret treasure of our souls
Endless expectations of enamored bliss
Youthful confidence of everlasting adventure

The army of words in my mind
A thousand thoughts I think of you.
Our sincere architecture stands freely
Our normal hesitation is gone
Recently discovered, I'm energized by you
Don't wake me if I'm dreaming

Can I place you in my pocket so you'll never get away?
Zip it up, keep it nice
I'll bring you out just to play
I want to trap what we have
Like a butterfly cupped in my hands
I peek in to see beauty trapped
Confined it jumps around and flutters
Then it leaves behind colorful dust
To remind me of the special times we spent
But eventually it has to leave my clutch

I want to fill my glass up with you constantly
Never half empty, but always half full
Enjoying this candy laughter
Cradling our young love
You're my pretty red

I've got myself snagged on you
The addict that's inside of me
You're my addiction
My condition is burning
You're my big distraction

Some casual light days
Part of the furniture
I want to take you for granted and see you regular
And I'm so sorry that we've fallen
Help me up, let's keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
Grasp and hold on for dear life
Keep holding my hand so we don't get separated
Careful, the bond is delicate

Now you're here, now you're away
Uproot, rewind, turn upside down
Gotta run, gotta get around
Because knowing this I may as well die

Rather never kiss forever than never talk to you forever
So close yet so far away
I’d walk a thousand miles just to see you
We're too human to see the way we'll agonize
Why must we torture ourselves like this?
Gambling with our emotions
I think it's worth the risk
I want to be held in your eyes again
If we met tomorrow, for the very first time
Would it start all over again?

The separation's tired
It's been too long
Everything is rewinding
Endless expectations passing by
Has the twinkle faded from my eyes?
If I close my eyes, hope it won't go away
Paralized, I'm wilting and lifeless,
Put me in your sunlight so I can get better
Come out of the clouds and warm my soul

And it's too bad, you're so sad
You're dark blue, and maybe I can make you feel better
Throw away all this pain that I'm living
I see your face everywhere that I'm walking
A small void pulling at my chest
I feel as empty as a black hole
When I look inside you, what will I see?
This voidy numbness aches
Remembering promises forgotten

If you lived here you'd be home now
So much history
So much time spent
My satellite is lost
So close, yet so far away
Let's find each other again
Stop this emotional landslide
Careful now, the wound is tender
You were always the pessimist
But I will be the optimist

I'm so cold
You're dark blue
The lunar eclipse has almost passed
But the stars are still fragile
Retired but sleeping is our shanty love
Be careful now, don't wake it up
Do you miss me in your sleep?
Dreaming of someone you love?

Drown your fears
Let's build a bridge over this troubled water
It could be a new beginning
Build it up, make it stronger
When the structure is perfect, it should hold
I'll indulge in our potential
Don't let me down
A real love survives an unsteady ride
Do you think we'll make it?
I really think we'll make it

(this last part written by the guy my writings are about, and I thought this would make a good ending)
All these feelings are so fresh
I don't know my own head.
Trying to grasp what's me and what is you
Darkness shimmers as I grow away from my shadow's eyes.
Still trying to flee
Days of past no consequence,
Further skies slide through passive eyes.
Though unpassive hearts do clammor again
And fantasize of all the dreams they have and hope to give.
Their hearts speak of happy androgyny.
Whispered words of infinite bliss they then turn to,
Fly to, heights known solely by the free.
They want not another chance to get born again.
Ending not in sight
Plot twists unknown
Carry on through your cinematic dreamscape
Cares foregone.

by Jenn
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My songs of the moment:

Deftones - Change (in the house of flies)
Queens of the Stone Age - Go With the Flow

And the album that almost exactly sums up how I feel:

No Doubt - Return of Saturn

I'd like to think that since we parted on good terms, the choice to part being mutual, realizing we were heading in totally different directions right now, and will be halfway across the country......
I'd like to think that someday, after this adventure, after staying in touch with random emails and perhaps "doing lunch" while visiting town, after experiencing the world and other people......
I'd like to think that someday we will realize we were meant to be, come back together, and live happily ever after.

But I realize that I cannot stay friends just for this sole reason, and realize that I cannot even have this hope in the front of my mind continually coming up, because the chances of it happening are unlikely, and the reality of it would hit me like a brick, like a sharp slap in the face if that "someday" came up and it doesn't work that way

i have no idea where this little poem comes from, but I heard it a long time ago, I added the last line.

The first time I saw you, I was afraid to meet you.
The first time I met you, I was afraid to kiss you.
The first time I kissed you, I was afraid to love you.
Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you.
Now that I've lost you, I'm afraid it's forever.

Wouldn't it be divine
To be in each other's arms again
To come back after the adventure
Back in my place on your knee
Together in happy androgyny

Wouldn't it be divine
To realize what we had was meant to be
That no one else fit quite so well
Back in your arms, heads cheek to cheek
To kiss again would be so sweet

Wouldn't it be divine
To fast forward to the future
To start up the music again
To take a walk under the stars
Able to call each other "ours"

by Jenn

All throughout high school, and ESPECIALLY after visiting San Diego and Los Angeles during my sophomore year, I have always said that I am going to move out to California when I am older. I loved it there. It was totally my kind of place, with surfers, palm trees, artists, boardwalks, beaches....

Then in the past couple of years of college, I have always said that I can't imagine myself leaving Chicago, but now I don't really know what I want anymore. I could see myself living in New York, Chicago, or Los Angeles. I like the excitement of the city.

Now that my ex (feels weird to call him that) is moving to Los Angeles, I feel that if I move out there for any reason, it will seem like I am following him. Which, once I'm over him, won't be the case.

I just hate not knowing what the future holds
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well I have pretty much been in a relationship for about 5 years. I went straight from one 2 year relationship, almost right away into another one that lasted 2 and a half years. It sounds shady, but it's really not, and maybe i'll explain the circumstances later.

But for being in some sort of relationship for almost 5 years, I really don't want to get into another one right away. Definitely not for this summer. And I don't think I want a serious one for a long long time either.

I just want to catch up on all the movies I have not had a chance to see
Swim in my pool a lot
Work 2 jobs
Create some artwork
Visit museums by myself
Go back down to school to visit friends that are staying there
Catch up on old friends from high school

I don't even remember what it is like to be single again
forgot what this poem is called

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I won't wallow in my own pity too much. Browsing internet forums over and over and over and over.....getting shit done, cleaning, working extra shifts,....one of my friends has been doing stuff with me more often now which is good. I always did hate how she was better friends with my boyfriend than she was with me. I always felt sort of left out.

I talked for an hour today with an old best friend from high school. Hopefully we will hang out a lot this summer. A friend that had taken my place when I went to college, totally ditched her for a fiance, so my best friend really has no one to hang out with right now.

The thing I hate most is that I really truly thought this would be the guy I would spend my whole life with.

Let's rewind to 2 years and 6 months ago.
I see a person everyday and smile at them and know there is something going on there. One day as I am passing them by, the thought "Oh my god, that's the guy who I'm going to marry" just pops into my head, almost stopping me dead in my tracks because of the randomness and absurdity of it. I didn't even know his name! All I knew at the time was that he worked with me and probably had a slight interest in me.

What are you supposed to do with a thought like that? Well one thing's for sure, you dump your old boyfriend that you had been thinking about dumping for 3 months, and find out that boy's name!

Fast forward through months of pure bliss, delight, exploring, spending every minute with each other, music, discovering, laughing, adventure, doing fun things together, closeness, surprises, nice things, togetherness.

Fast forward to 6 months ago. School is the toughest it has ever been for either of us. The workload is ridiculous. Money is tight for both of us, so we both go in to work a lot (at the same place too). There isn't enough time to spend with each other. Quality time spent together is substituted with work time together which left both of us unsatisfied I'm sure. Time spent out together is time shared with a group of people, more unsatisfaction. Not spending enough time with each other was eating at us. Is this where things went wrong?

Fast forward to now. To the unavoidable decision to put all this on hold and backtrack to only being friends. It was obvious that if we tried to do the long distance thing, it wouldn't have worked out between us. So it is better to stay as friends for now, rather than to have things end bad and sad, and to never speak again...
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My angel........

We sang this song to each other a few times when we first started going out, heh, though we only knew the main chorus and didn't really know what the song was about...

Angel of the Morning

There'll be no strings to bind your hands
not if my love can't bind your heart.
And there's no need to take a stand
for it was I who chose to start.
I see no need to take me home,
I'm old enough to face the dawn.

Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
then slowly turn away from me.

Maybe the sun's light will be dim
and it won't matter anyhow.
If morning's echo says we ve sinned,
well, it was what I wanted now.
And if we're the victims of the night,
I won't be blinded by light.

Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
then slowly turn away,
I won't beg you to stay with me
through the tears of the day,
of the years, baby baby baby.
Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.

by Juice Newton
Will you remember?.....

Will you remember......?

how we would smile at each other as we passed each other at work, before we even knew each other...

when i pretended to forget my keys so that you would have to let me into the dorms, and then we introduced ourselves...

when you found out from your friend that I had a crush on you...

when you asked me out, and had to chase me around the ice cream machines because I was too shy to talk to you face to face finally...

our first date when we sat and talked at Pizza Hut until closing time...

on our second date when the movie was over in the cold theatre, you touching the backs of your hands on my cheeks showing me how cold your hands were...

our first kiss...

when we didn't pay attention to Saturday Night Live...

when we ate at the italian restaurant on Green Street, and i ordered Sprite with no ice, and sprayed you with Sprite when I accidently flipped the straw out of the drink...

how we could sit for hours on your computer chair with me sitting on your lap, cheek to cheek...

when we sat in my dorm room all night long talking to my roommate on the extra bed, sitting on top of all the stuffed animals until the sun rose the next morning and it was time to go back to Chicago...

when i told you that I had a feeling you wore briefs not boxers...

when we would make out at the train station until the sun would come up...

always getting your car stuck in my snowy driveway, and me getting it out...

how I didn't judge you or think less of you when I saw that you came from a poor family...

when it would take us 20 minutes to say a simple goodbye in the dorms when i was just going back to my room 2 floors down...

when you said "either we're really good, or really bad at saying goodbyes"...

when we said "i love you" after less than 2 months being together...

the Valentine's Day when you snuck into my room, left me milk and a huge reeses heart, and left a note telling me to turn on the VCR which was set to the love song scene in the stadium on the movie "10 things i hate about you"...

when we would spend whole weekends with each other only taking time apart to go back to our respective dorm floors to take a shower...

when you had a bad headache and I asked you to sleep over for the very first time because I didn't want you to have to move...

when the feelings were so intense while making out that we would actually shake...

how you introduced me to a whole new spectrum of music that I had never explored before...

How "Burn" was unofficially our song...

when you wrote that poem about us...

when i would stick with you and understand when you would have periods of depressed moods...

when you couldn't believe that I actually thought you were a hunk...

when i told you all the schemes I came up with to get you, and how you were flattered, and couldn't believe that a girl would actually pursue you...

when we would have "stuffed animal" fights with the snake and you would always win...

when we would try to poke each other in the stomach and slap each other's cheeks in a row before the other person got a chance to...

when i "kidnapped" you late one night and brought you back to my room...

when we would try to sneakily put food down each other's shirts while at work...

how we had our weekly movie night every Wednesday...

how we would sneakily kiss each other in the back of the bus at school...

how we could just sit or lay for hours together, talking about anything...

how we would give in and go to Hucks and talk when there was nothing else to do...

buying you a new pair of orange sunglasses because your old ones broke, and they looked so good on you...

when i made a special surprise trip to come out to meet you as you got off the train after working downtown, totally surprising you, and then drove home 15 minutes later when you had to go to soccer...

the car ride home from Drury Lane, when I started the discreet 3 squeezes = i love you...

when I bought you that Massive Attack CD just for the hell of it while we were at Borders...

when we took a wrong exit, which led to a lot more wrong exits, and we actually got lost in some industrial zone on the outskirts of Chicago...

when you took me to see Blue Man Group for my birthday, and i wore a skirt, and we went to the park later on that evening...

when we rented a room in the union and finally made love to each other...

when we walked around the north side of Chicago in the cold slush, and I was soaked to the bone wearing my "sponge" shoes and baggy pants...

the Valentine's Day when you snuck into my room again while I took a shower and left a bouquet of roses, perfume (that I had been hinting at), and a teddy bear...

that hot summer day when we drove back down to your apartment to pick up your mail and we had a "scare" and had to go to McKinley...

whenever you were in a tough situation or had no hope for something, I would try to give every possible piece of advice or every possible option, and none of them were good enough, but I would keep on trying anyways until every possible thing had been suggested...

when i secretly entered your poem to that poetry contest thinking it was going to be published and could win you a prize, only to find out it was a hoax...

how we were driving around at night looking for a place to park, found a spot, and a police man comes driving up...

how I would ALWAYS somehow accidently slip up and tell you all your gifts ahead of time, and none of them would be surprises anymore...

when my car got a flat on the way to Great America and you made me feel better...

how I could never pass up loose change on the ground even if it was merely a penny...

all the times we would browse used CD stores...

the blast we had dancing together for the first time at a Halloween party, even if it was only because we were drunk...

how I watched over you and took care of you on your birthday New Year's Eve when you were too sick and unconscious to take care of yourself...

how I FINALLY kept a birthday gift a surprise, and the fun time we had skiing on our 3 day long ski trip which turned out to be half price...

that I grew my hair out because you said you liked longer hair...

when you said you realized that "we just fit"...

that there are so many more great memories to be remembered...

that we let schoolwork, jobs, tiredness, and other necessary duties get in the way of our relationship near the end...

that we ended all this on a good note that was for the best...

to keep in touch...

Will you remember?
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When you're newly single, you can't help but look at and evaluate other guys now just because you can. It's natural.

But even though I'd like to think "oh woe is me, i'll never be able to find another guy worth the time to love," more guys will come around.

It's just all the guys I see walking around campus are very disappointing, they all look:
Too arrogant
too serious
self absorbed

Once you have the best, you can't settle for any less. It's like shopping at a designer store, then trying to switch to Walmart.
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Man, trying to be just friends is going to be hard. You think you're doing good, think the pain is subsiding, then BAM, it hits you again.

It's one thing to talk over AIM. You can't see the person, and it's just text. We've talked over AIM a few times so far, and it's been fine.

We haven't talked on the phone yet since we only broke up 5 days ago, but I'm sure eventually we'll use that form of communication. Probably once summer comes, and we're back in our seperate hometowns, and we won't be hooked up to the internet all day.

We've talked almost everyday in person, just for the plain fact that we work together, and both work a lot, so seeing each other is unavoidable. And I want to see him anyways, don't get me wrong. It just makes me so sad to see what I'm going to be missing these next few years. And our talk is small talk "how are you doing?" "What have you done today?" "how did your project go?" etc. We have to keep it simple for now, because just talking to each other is hard right now, and I get incredibly sad, and I can tell he does too.

I just need to talk to him again about us...to settle those "what ifs" and find out where we stand with each other, and how we are taking this right now, and get anything else out that has been pressing on our minds.

well, that was satisfying....

I just got done talking with him over the phone. We got to talk about those "What ifs" etc, etc....we talked for about 40 minutes.
I'm sort of relieved.
It sounds like we'll be pretty close friends. I was afraid that we would only be the type of friends who write an email here and there once a month or someting. But we really plan on keeping in touch, maybe meeting up once a month or so while we're in the same town, and keeping in touch more often over phone. (I'm just wondering how often once we have to use long distance, 1,500 miles away form each other.) But we'll be the type of friend you can confide in about anything, and talk about our problems. And even confide in each other about future relationships (I will think of his next girlfriend as a slutty bitch, heh, and he says he will think of my next boyfriend as a raging asshole) because we need to be able to talk about anything to each other.

and i'm glad
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Someday I will give him the link to this thread. Who knows when, it could be 4 months from now, or a year from now. I told him I was writing in an online journal the other day, and he thought that was a good idea, and now has one of his own somewhere online. heh, I won't give him this link unless he gives me his link. I hope he starts writing poetry again because they were good, and it helps so much. He doesn't know, but I found 6 of his old writings on one of his friend's websites a long long time ago and saved them all.