A fallen squirrel.

Animal Lover Afoot

Can you tell my parents are patient folks? Remember, I’m only 24 years old…

Barney (Irish Setter)
Daisy (Schnauzer/Poodle)
Humphrey (guinea pig)
Buttons (guinea pig)
Peek (guinea pig)
Perk (guinea pig)
Poke (guinea pig)
Pook (guinea pig)
Tuxedo (Dachsund/cocker)*
Tiger (cat)
Comet (cat)
Wolfgang (gerbil)
Picasso (gerbil)
Sonny (gerbil)
Cher (gerbil)
Yoda (gerbil)
Elvis (gerbil)
Priscilla (gerbil)
Rodent (guinea pig)
Tater Tot (guinea pig)
Piper (dog)*
Skywalker (cockatiel)
Pasha (ferret)
Louis (ferret)
Dweezel (ferret)*
Isis (Lhasa Apso)*
Millie (Welsh Corgi)*
Chansu (Doberman)*
Mr. Peppercorn (rabbit)*
Biscuit (cat)*
Chinch Bug (cat)*
Candy (canary)*
Bubbles (turtle)*
Ginger (turtle)*
Luck (Thoroughbred)
Tucker (Thoroughbred)*
Phoenix (Thoroughbred)*
Tropical Fish (~60)**
Goldfish (15)**

* still living
**some still living
 
This morning at our staff meeting someone brought up the fact that the upstairs men's restroom was out of order and that they had to go downstairs. Boss Lady #1 suggested we just make the upstairs ladies' bathroom unisex, since this was once an old dorm and it's not officially a women's room. There's no sign on the door.

I voted nay. I'm not sharing my toilet seats with the likes of BossMan. He makes my skin crawl. Boss Lady #1 said that I was being sexist by not sharing my bathroom. Well whoop dee doo.

God gave them legs for a reason. The door doesn't even close all the way, let alone lock. I'm not having it. I'm simply not. I refuse to share my only space in the whole building in which I can escape BossMan.

Boss Lady #1 can call me sexist. Let's see her share a bathroom with men when she's bloated and bleeding and miserable or has an upset stomach. Let's see her share her toilet seat.

In college, it would have been different. I had guy friends. It's not that I'm afraid to share a bathroom with men, or that I have a problem with them. BossMan is not my friend. He's my nemesis. He makes this job unpleasant for me. He's what makes me groan when my alarm goes off every morning. So fuck the sharing of bathrooms. I'll pee on the walls and mark my territory if I have to. In fact, that's not a bad idea. I'm going to go do that now. I had too much Coke for lunch and I've got to drain my bladder anyway.
 
Aargh

Isn’t it amazing how one phone call from your mother can just ruin your day completely?

Yesterday she called to tell me that she was in my house letting the Doberman out to pee. And on the clean carpet, the carpet I spent two and a half hours steaming all by myself, were two huge elephantine piles of runny poo. God forbid she lose it in the kitchen or the bathroom. Nope. She’s got to drop a giant pile on the clean carpet which looked absolutely beautiful. And the reason she was sick is because the little jerk ate our pepperoni rolls right off the kitchen table on Saturday while we were out. And an entire box of Honey Nut Cheerios, too. I was honked. Then Mom told me that my little brother, The Boy, has had his driver’s license suspended for three months. The reason is because when he was arrested they discovered he’d doctored it to make himself 21. But my folks don’t know that and I had to cover his butt. Rather, I chose to cover his butt.

I’m worried about him. I’m really worried that he’s going to get himself killed. He’s out of control. Just after the Backyard Brawl on Saturday (we won!) he got into a fist fight and had the shit kicked out of him by 5 guys.

Now Mom calls me at work to announce that they planned their trip to the condo in Florida for tomorrow and forgot that The Boy would be home from college. So in addition to babysitting her plethora of mutts, which I don’t mind, I am supposed to “keep an eye on him”. She doesn’t want any parties and she doesn’t want his girlfriend spending the night. HAH! If she thinks I can or will try to stop that shit from happening she’s got another think coming. I’m an adult and just because I live next door doesn’t mean I’m going to stay up all night peeping out the windows to make sure nothing bad happens. He’s on his fucking own. He's not my son; he's theirs. I'm too young to be a parent.

In addition, she and I won’t be seeing the Nutcracker this year. It’s been our tradition since I was wee little. The Fer was going to join us, and my father wouldn’t commit because he knew he’d fall asleep and embarrass himself. But he never gave us a straight answer and last night he finally said he’d go so I just called and all the good seats are gone and all that’s left aren’t worth paying 25 bucks a pop for. So our holiday tradition is down the drain, thanks to my old man and his inability to make a decision more than five minutes before an event is to occur. Then, they’re jaunting off to see family in New Jersey on the day after Thanksgiving and not returning for five days, so I get to babysit and dogsit all over a-fucking-gain. Meanwhile, I have PGMF coming in for 10 days and so it’s not like I’m going to be laying around scratching my ass over the holiday.

I’m all fired up and have no one at which to direct my anger. Plus, I’ve had two liters of water since 8am to try and fight off my UTI (maybe it’s the same one, maybe it’s a new one) and I’ve peed 9 times this morning. God forbid I ever get to have sex without having repercussions involving blood and puss and possible kidney failure!
 
Dear Family,

I’d like to announce that I am hereto forth resigning from the position of “Family Bitch”. I’ve had it with being in the middle. I’ve grown up and I don’t have to play these games any longer.

Mom and Dad: I am not a surrogate parent for your other child. He is your son. He is your problem. It is not my job to babysit him when you are out of town. It is not my job to spy on him and report back to you about his comings and goings. It is not my job to be a snitch and it is not my job to offer him the benefit of my extra five years of wisdom. It is not my job to bail him out of jail and it is not my job to drive him home when he is drunk. I resent your putting me in a position where I have to spare you the hardships of parenthood.

David: I am not the older sister you want me to be. I fear for your safety and I resent your bad decisions. If you don’t want me to be concerned and feel the urge to tell our parents that you’re in trouble, please do not tell me that you are in trouble. I don’t want to know about the bad and dangerous things you’ve done. I prefer to be kept in the dark and not feel pressured to keep your secret or betray your confidence for the sake of your safety. I have learned the lessons of my younger years and do not like seeing you refuse to do the same. I resent your putting me in a position where I have to lie to my parents and jeopardize my relationship with them.

Mom, Dad, and David: Please do not continue to put me in these positions. I do not feel more loyalty to one of you than I do towards another and am tired of keeping secrets and acting as a go-between. Please do not make me wish I had stayed in Florida. Please do not make me wish I weren’t so close to home. Please understand that I love the three of you and am trying very hard to be a good daughter and sister.
 
I’ve not seen rain like this in a long, long time. It’s dark and muggy and the rain is coming straight down in droves. When I got home yesterday, someone was raking my yard. Now, there are giant puddles of mud everywhere with no leaves to hold the soil in place. The muddy paw marks on my kitchen floor were horrendous. I have to clean the house for PGMF’s arrival on Friday.

Last night I was called to my parents’ kitchen for a discussion. About The Boy. Mom found out he’d been beaten up and was hysterical about leaving for Florida. She put the kibosh on both vacations immediately. As we sat there, I knew I had to tell them about his arrest and pending charges, for his own safety. He may hate my guts but I’d rather have him hate me than see him in a casket, dead of an overdose or DUI or in prison for some such thing. I think my parents will go to great lengths to cover the fact that I was the one who squealed. My father’s gone down to WVU today to speak to the attorneys and police involved in the incident. Then he’s going to show up at David’s dorm. I believe they’ll be pulling him out of WVU and enrolling him in a local, very very good college. A small-town atmosphere will be much better for him. I just hope they stick to their guns. Telling them about his arrest was so hard for me. But they’re parents; it’s their job. They can handle it. They have to. I have confidence that they will. Next week I think we’re going to have a family intervention. We suspect he has a drinking problem, in addition to everything else. The genetics are on both sides of the family and are prime for it to develop. In addition his behavior is so indicative of somebody out of control that this needs to be done. He’s going to get himself killed.

Today I feel sick and tired and stressed. My neck and back are knotted horribly. I’m scared for him and for them and wonder what will happen with all of this. Will he eventually let us help him or will he resist and pull away and continue to destroy himself?
 
It's 37 degrees outside and the heat is not on in this building. I suppose I should give maintainence a break because it's steam heat from the 1950's and yesterday was 65 degrees, but I'm sitting here with a heating pad on my lap trying to regain feeling in my torso and thighs. And drinking cranberry juice. God knows it's a staple of my diet. I've been drinking a minimum of one liter of water per day and it's making me sick. I detest water, at least sans lemon. This feels like a losing battle and it's only a matter of time before I get explored with a camera, bladder-wise. I've heard it's unpleasant, to say the least.

My parents stayed in Morgantown last night because they never caught up with The Boy. They went down for an intervention of sorts. After doing some research at two courthouses, they found records of his recent arrest, and a record of a previous arrest in August for disorderly conduct. They spoke to his advisor who said that The Boy needs counseling big time and that he's in for some serious trouble if things don't change. I want them to pull him out of WVU. It's known to be consistently the biggest party school in the country. Not a good place for a 19-year-old who has no ability to control himself. And as much as I hate being in the middle and involved, I am and I have to be. I've realized that. Whether or not I want to be, I am part of this family and I care about what happens to my little brother. So I can't extract myself from the situation. I may have to be a spy for my parents. If I hadn't snitched, The Boy would have continued on his destructive path and they would never have known. I'm glad they stepped in and I'm glad I knew some of what was going on. My inner turmoil about the situation has calmed. Now it's no longer a matter of being a good friend to The Boy, but a matter of being a good sister to him, and that's a different thing. Maybe we won't be friends after all of this. My parents covered up the fact that I told them, and won't ever let The Boy know that I was the snitch, for which I am very thankful. It would really hurt my relationship with him and I care about that kid more than anything in the world. He's the most loveable person I've ever known. Nobody dislikes him, and for good reason. He's fun and entertaining and nice and charming and devious and such a great kid. The person he's becoming, though, is a stranger to me. When we're together it's just like it's always been, but he's got another life in which he's an entirely different person. I'm unfamiliar with that person and he can't be trusted.

He comes home tomorrow. I'm anxiously awaiting a call from the folks today, to hear what's going on.

When I went next door to let my mom's dogs out to pee this morning, the ferret wasn't in his cage. He'd broken out in the night and I heard his little bell collar tinkling upstairs. He'd spent the entire night retrieving dog biscuits from the pantry and stashing them all over the house. He was a busy boy. The box of 60 cookies was empty. He had a swollen tummy. I carried him back to his cage and laid him in his hammock, with the last cookie in his mouth. Now my new wool coat smells like ferret.
 
The Sound of My Name

We need you, Laura
Laura, help us
Tell us what we need to know

Laura, don’t tell them
Don’t break Mom’s heart
Tell me what should I do

Laura you’re speaking clearly
for the first time
You’re not afraid of your father

Am I overstepping my boundries
Why am I not the parent
When can I be a grown up

Laura I’m scared
Laura what do I do
Laura hold my hand
Laura tell me everything
Laura help us save his soul

I’m just a baby. Let me live.
 
I’m annoyed with The Fer. He’s a chronic interrupter. I fucking hate that and every time he does it it’s like he’s telling me that what I have to say isn’t important enough to listen to or wait for me to finish. I want to stick him in the mouth but I’ve not said anything. The time has come, though. No more weenie-ing out. Next time, as long as PGMF isn’t around, he’s getting it. If it’s possible, I’m more annoyed with him after three days apart than I was on Friday after 4 months straight together. I can’t really pinpoint what he’s doing that’s making me mad; he just is.

Maybe it’s PGMF’s presence. PGMF (Probably Gay Male Friend for anyone who’s forgotten) and I have a very unique relationship. Yesterday he took me to the Pittsburgh Opera where we saw “The Flying Dutchman”. It was enchanting. I loved it. Wagnerian opera is something not to be taken lightly. It was my first real opera (Weber doesn’t count; not in these circles) and I was amazed. PGMF and I have a Laurel and Hardy routine. We’re always on, and I’m not the same person that I am around The Fer. I’m wired and critical and snappy and clever and out to have a good time. That’s the way we are together. I don’t know how to be in the same room with The Fer and PGMF. They’ll like each other, I hope, but they couldn’t be more different. And they’re both my two best friends.

I’m annoyed with The Fer, though. There’s no need to interrupt me. But if I can’t say anything to PGMF because he’d worry and get upset. My littlest unhappiness upsets him. This is a sticky situation.

It was 65 and balmy this morning. Now it’s 35 and snowing. That’s quite a change for 4 hours.

You won't hear much from me for another week. Company is afoot. The Boy is being intervened with at some point and the shit is hitting the fan. Definitely time to refill my anti-depressant prescription.
 
After seeing The Fer last night, all huddled up and sick with the flu (I told that dummy to get a flu shot at least 40 times!) I was no longer even the slightest bit irritated. I just wanted to cuddle him. He looked terrible. But he came home and met PGMF and they loved each other and each totally approved of the other. I think they'll be good friends. I was so afraid that PGMF would pass his usual judgement, but he loves The Fer and couldn't be happier. And he knows that The Fer loves me. Each passed the other's test. I was ecstatic. The Fer then went home to be in misery by himself. I can't blame him. I wish we could have all hung out and had fun. Instead, PGMF made two giant lasagnas and we had dinner with the folks and The Boy, who was strong-armed into counseling yesterday. My family is falling apart and I don't have the energy to write about it here. Every little weak spot is beginning to tear. He fights with them, they fight with each other, mom fights with her parents and with her sister-in-law, The Boy remains irate and I remain in the middle. I'm terribly stressed. My father asked quietly if we could skip his birthday celebration this year. He's miserable. The man who's never seen a dark day is finally sad and depressed. It's heartbreaking.

I had a flu shot downstairs at the health center today. PGMF took me to work in cute jammies this morning. Tartan.

The Boy's lawyer told my parents that if he goes to jail for only 10 days, that will be a victory. It might be much worse than that. Mom had to take three shots of rum last night to sleep. She's never done that in her life. My family is falling apart.
 
It's always weird when you find out that another one of your college buddies has gotten married. A good friend called me at work this morning to tell me that the black sheep of the group, the guy least suited for marriage, got hitched a few weeks ago. It's just too weird to imagine. I still have trouble with the idea that we're not all the same group of friends we once were. My friend asked me when I was getting married and I didn't have an answer for him. Told him I'd let him know if and when I ever did know. He was my consort in college. I miss him.

PGMF is off and away, and back in Florida. We had a great visit. Details don't need to be shared because they don't really matter. The shadow hanging over our family right now is They Boy's impending incarceration. It's awful. What if he's in jail over Christmas? What if they sentence him to far more than 10 days? What if he continues down this destructive path and lets himself waste away? He crashed my mom's car this weekend, on an icy night. Who knows if he was drinking or not? We didn't ask. He's not too keen on continuing with college, which is okay because my parents are going to pull him out anyway. But after that, they don't know what they'll do. So much of it depends upon him and if he's willing to go to counseling. This is a lot worse than anyone realizes. My parents and I only truly know how bad this is going to be. I don't have the heart to share my fears with other people. Things are grim, and my family is falling apart. On the outside we look like we're coping, but it's not good. My dad, in particular, is crumbling. Today's his 57th birthday and he doesn't want to acknowledge it. It's heartbreaking.

I feel aimless and lost these days. The winter is stretching out before me, bleak and gray, and nothing joyous looms on the horizon. I don't even want to decorate for Christmas this year. For the first time in my entire life I have no intention of putting up lights or buying a real tree. A fake tree is blasphemy in my family, but this year I'm borrowing a pre-lighted tree from Mama Fer. I detest fake trees. And I hate grinches. But this year my heart isn't in Christmas. I feel numb and empty. My depression isn't back; I take my pills faithfully. But I'm down. I keep a brave face around my parents and The Fer. And around The Boy, whom I love more than anything else in this world. I could not live without him. If something were to happen to him, I don't know how I'd survive.

I drew Boss Lady #1's name in the Secret Santa drawing. Could be worse. I could have drawn Boss Man's name. Ugh.
 
Ever notice how your writing style, ability, and independence change when you realize someone you know has been reading your posts?

That's right. I caught you.
 
It seems that every post of late has begun with my frustration, or been ruled by my frustration. Well, there’s a shock. I’m pretty good at handling constant levels of academic stress. In college it was a continual thing but my shoulders became accustomed to always bearing some weight. And after college I became used to bearing the weight of another. But you know what? I’ve never been very good at carrying my own weight, my own stress. It feels so much heavier than the weight my parents and friends have needed me to carry. I’d rather carry their burdens than my own.

Last night The Fer and I had a quiet dinner with my parents for my father’s birthday. He didn’t want presents, but I had four of my best photos enlarged into 8x10 prints and bought matching frames. They’re all of fall color and I hope he liked them. I’ve still got a long way to go with my photography but at least one of these photos was pretty decent.

After dinner has asked me if I had any advice. I have a love/hate relationship with his asking for my advice. On the one hand, I’m no parent, and I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent. On the other hand, I can see so clearly the things that they can’t specifically because they are parents. I can see that harshness is required with The Boy right now, and they feel so much love for him that it makes them hesitant to unleash hell upon him. I know that he can only help himself in the end, and that the change has to come from within him, but they can help by making his recklessness difficult to achieve. It’s only my opinion, and they’re seeing a counselor on Thursday and will continue to do so. In the past, in my father’s eyes, my opinion has counted for nothing. He’s never given me any credit, never put any stock in what I say. I can’t tell if he’s doing so now or not. If the subject in question weren’t my brother I’d just keep my mouth shut. However, I cannot let that kid come to ruin. I won’t accept it.

I’m nauseous this morning. At 4am I woke up and lay for an hour worrying about all of these things. Also, last night The Fer hinted around at a date he’ll propose to me for a spring wedding, 2005. He doesn’t seem to understand, though, how much work it is to put together a wedding and apply to grad school at the same time. I’d prefer to get married next fall so that I have a whole year to devote to the grad school application process. It’s incredibly stressful for me, as is the assemblage of a wedding (which may be more so). I don’t want to be cranky and bitchy while I plan my wedding. I don’t want him to feel like he’s made a mistake or have doubts because I suddenly turn nasty. Grad school is so important to me and it’s going to be so stressful. I simply cannot do both at the same time. If he wants to put off the wedding until spring of 2005, perhaps I will put off grad school until fall of 2006. I’ve been thinking about it. That’s three more years and it breaks my heart, but it may have to be done. I’m so afraid I’ll not succeed if I put it off too much longer. I could always wait until after grad school to get married, too. That’s an option. (I think financial aid is more forthcoming if you’re married, though.) All of these thoughts were running through my head and I was overwhelmed, and then they paired up with mental pictures of my little brother in an orange jumpsuit and my mother sobbing and my dad as sad as he’s ever been and I just cried. For half an hour I sniffled like a weenie. It was pathetic. I tried very hard to be appreciative of the good things we still have, and remind myself that this isn’t the end of the world, not by a long shot. I’ve got too much on my plate, and The Fer thinks I’m being all nutty and over-reacting (men always think that). So it’s hard for me to really communicate to him that this fall has been overwhelming and that the prospect of doing the two most important things in my life thus far at the same time is making me nuts. I don’t have his ability to “just relax” (as he always likes to tell me) and let Life just come at me. I want to be ready and do the right thing and be prepared. And most of all, I want not to be stressed. With stress inevitably comes my depression. And the very last thing I want is to be planning for either of those two events while I’m in that state. I’m already so sad. At this point I want to hop off to a desert island and forget my life entirely. Drink coconut milk. Weave baskets. Sleep in a hammock. Have a monkey.

My little brother meets with his attorney and my parents today.
 
In the spirit of selfish whining...

I WISH:

The Fer would marry me.
USF had a better Wetland Ecology program so I could go back to Tampa.
I owned my own home.
Pudder Tat didn't shed so much.
My brother was a successful and boring college student, brimming with responsibility.
I didn't dislike my job.
My father didn't question my intelligence.
My photography was better.
PGMF lived close by.
My mother didn't have to spend her life on anti-depressants.
My father didn't look so sad.
The Apso could still live with me.
I weren't so lazy.
My knees were strong and well-built.
Dobergirl didn’t bark at night so much.

I’M GLAD:
The Fer loves me and is the best thing in my life.
I love wetland ecology and am excited to go to any school.
I have a large rental home with a huge yard near my family.
Pudder Tat is a sweet, loving kitty.
My brother is going to get help.
My job pays me enough to live comfortably.
My father is still healthy and successful.
I was given a Nikon for my birthday so that I can learn.
PGMF and I have a chance to visit and talk on the phone.
My mother found her anti-depressants.
My father doesn’t normally look so sad.
The Apso lives right next door with my mother and her dogs.
I have the ability to work hard.
My knee will recover with work on my part.
Dobergirl would give her life to protect me.

-----------------------------------
I feel empty today. Like the air in the room is circulating right through me and I'm faded-looking and lacking color. I feel like old Silly Putty, full of lint and germs. I feel like I want to leave my life and go somewhere else.

Uh-oh. That my depression talking. Back to work.
 
My mood improved last night. I had a massage. From a nun. She was divine in every sense of the word. It really cheered me up. I felt almost intoxicated afterwards as I sat in the hot tub at the gym and smiled at nothing. Suddenly the day's problems weren't so abrasive. Of course, they're all back today, but they're not quite in the forefront of my mind. For now. The Fer has snatched my brother's membership card and so we'll be frequenting the gym and the hot tub. Physical therapy is officially over for me so now I've got to lift two to three times a week to keep this leg strong. I still have a long, long way to go, the therapist told me. It's imperative that I continue with the strength training. For once, I intend to. I'm too afraid not to.

This morning I came into work at 10:45 because I woke up with the most horrendous headache ever. My vision was blurry and my stomach was queasy and I lay there until 9:30am hoping to die while the canary sang his heart out in the next room and Pudder Tat jumped on me and Dobergirl lay on The Fer's pillow and was gassy. The headache is still here, but isn't quite so awful. PGMF has strep throat. I hope he got it on the plane on the way home and not from someone up here that I've been in contact with. That's all I need.

The Fer fell down the front stairs naked yesterday. I only wish I'd been there to see it. And I'm going to break from my usual modesty and tell you that if you want to spice up your life, add a little Ecuadorian flute music in the bedroom. Ay carumba!
 
Whale Watches

Reading Thorn’s whale-watching entry reminded me of my own experience. (And while I’m thinking about it, is everyone aware that they’ve discovered a new species of baleen whale off the coast of Japan?)

When I was thirteen, my parents took us to Cape Cod to go whale-watching. The ship left from Provincetown, which was my very first experience with gay people. The town is a bit of a haven for the alternative crowd. Nowdays I wouldn’t think twice about it, but at 13 years old, having lived in West Virginia of all places (we don’t even have black people, let alone out-of-the-closet gay people), I didn’t know what to think. But I digress.

We went in search of humpbacks, and were disappointed to not find any. We did encounter two Sei Whales of giant proportions, a Minke Whale, and a mother and baby Northern Wright Whale, which was the highlight of the trip. If you read Thorn’s entry you’ll realize that the Northern Wright Whale is one of the most endangered—if not the most endangered—species on the planet. There’s debate about whether or not the tiny remaining population has enough genetic diversity to survive. But they too came very close to the boat, and the baby, who was only a few months old, rolled onto its side and looked up at the boat a number of times. The mother didn’t seem bothered by our presence; I suppose many whales in the Cape Cod region are used to boatloads of humans staring at them. The baby was an amazing thing. Here was a new member of a dying species. Whenever I see that video I wonder if the baby whale made it to adulthood, and where it is now, and if it had a baby of its own. Humans are a brutal species. It infuriates me that the Scandinavians and the Japanese continue to whale, and refuse to abide by the international moratorium adopted by the UN. I spent a lot of time studying this in my International Environmental Law class in college. It’s heartbreaking. Part of me knows that these people rely on whaling for their livelihood, but look at the Inuit people and their whaling practices. NATURAL RESOURCE MANAGEMENT. SUSTAINABILITY. It can be done. Greed sickens me. Whaling is not the only option.

Five years later, when I was 18, I was in the Galapagos Islands on a sea lion dive. We’d been down for half an hour, perhaps, hovering around 55 feet. A white tip shark followed our group, slowly, very curious about what we were but also very reserved. It stayed behind us and if we approached it would back off. Clearly we had nothing to fear and I was not the least bit nervous. It was a beautiful animal and we saw a number of sharks on that trip, all behaving in the same quiet, shy manner. I don’t blame the poor shark; as we approached the sea lion play area we realized that even the larger sharks are playthings for sea lions. This fellow scurried off when a pair of juveniles approached him and nipped at his pectoral fins. It was an amazing dive. The sea lions were all around us, blowing bubbles and nipping at our flippers and swirling and looping about our group, in and out between divers. The only terrifying moment was when the bull sea lion, the beachmaster, came barreling through. We heard him barking loudly underwater, and he was easily the size of a Honda Civic, but longer. If there were any creatures to be afraid of in the Galapagos, it was the bulls. He weighed a ton and got way too close for comfort. We ascended from our dive when we’d gotten out of his territory.

At the surface, the sea lions were leaping and doing their usual sea lion frolicking thing. As we climbed into the panga (Ecuadorian for “dinghy”), the multitude suddenly began to make a mad dash for the rocks, and all leapt fiercely onto shore. We wondered what was afoot. A great white, perhaps? Twenty yards to the rear, a dorsal fin rose out of the water. Our bio teacher shouted, “Pilot Whales!”. Interesting, but not spectacular. Nothing against pilot whales, of course. I’d seen them before, though. But then a 6 foot, arrow-straight, black dorsal fin rose smoothly out of the water, knifing through the chop, and we knew what it really was: a pod of orcas. (The sea lions knew this too.) They must have been curious, because they swam directly for our panga. The group consisted of three females, a giant male, and an infant. The water in the Galapagos is clear and cold, and we could see them approach, and see their tell-tale white markings. The baby swam with his father, and the females to their right. We started up the motor and sped along next to them, and the male orca and the baby dove straight under our tiny 9-foot boat, and we saw them only feet below us. Had we jumped in we would have landed on them. The male was 25 feet long, easily, and must have weighed more than two tons. The baby was small, yet still larger than our boat. Had they wanted to overturn us, they could have done it with the flick of a fluke. After remaining under us for 20 seconds or so, they turned away, back out to sea, not interested in a sea lion breakfast, only passing through on their way to some other orca adventure. We hugged each other and sat in silence. It was 6:50am (mornings start early in Galapagos) and the sun had just risen. When we reached our yacht, the other few passengers (it slept only 16 people) saw our faces and asked us what amazing thing we had seen. It was the quietest breakfast I’d ever had that morning—no one made a peep. We sat in sheer awe and reverence and smiled and stared out at the water. I didn’t find those orcas; they found me. I've been swimming with dolphins and manta rays, penguins and sharks, seen grizzly bear families and had wild monkeys sit on my shoulder. I've ridden mules into the belly of the Grand Canyon, and taken photos of the very last member of an entire species of giant tortoise. I've held a hummingbird in my hands and tackled an injured pelican. But to this day, those five minutes with the orcas stand as the most incredible of my life.
 
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Things I Would Like You To Do...You Bitch

10. Jump off a cliff, sans parachute. Hit a couple of rocks on the way down.
9. Get fat. Really fat. Obesely fat. Have arm jell-o. Have a stomach that hangs to your knees. Have little kids point and stare.
8. Get fired. Go on unemployment. Be too poor to color your roots.
7. Take a job as a stall mucker at a horse barn.
6. Accidentally poke out your eye with your forked tongue.
5. Develop a tick.
4. Move into a trailer on the county line, where the guy with all the chickens lives. Talk to his chickens incessantly. Invite them into your house.
3. Lose your two front teeth. Replace them with paper clips.
2. Appear on an episode of COPS where they go out to a trailer court over a domestic dispute. Run around in your curlers and mumu and let your jell-o arms wave around and use your paper clip teeth to attempt an attack on the officers.
1. Contract syphillis. Let it be known publicly.
 
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We’re having a rain/ice/snow storm today. Thus far it’s only tiny droplets of heartless rain. The wind blew my umbrella inside out as I walked from my car to the building. It felt like Mother Nature was being intentionally cruel. How do the people of Wales and Scotland live like this?

Speaking of cruel, I saw a large buck with a beautiful set of antlers yesterday as I drove home through the park. I noticed he was limping, and as my car approached I saw that the lower half of his front right leg was gone, and that the bone was exposed and hanging down. He was most likely hit by a car, though it could have been a hunter. Deer learn not to leave the safety of the park, generally, but traffic is steady and they’re hit almost every day. This area has a monstrous deer population because humans have killed off all of the natural predators. Thus the population cannot be kept in check and has exploded to ridiculous proportions. Hard winters kill off a lot of deer, but gentle winters are actually even worse because there’s another boom and those surplus animals die from starvation in the next harsh winter. This area actually has a cross-bow hunt every year to reduce the numbers.

But my heart broke for that buck, hobbling through the empty golf course. He can’t survive in that condition. Infection will kill him, and if it doesn’t, he won’t be able to forage normally or fend off other males in the next rut. I cried for about half a mile after I saw him. Can’t help it. Residents around here think they’re such a nuisance and want them exterminated. I think they’re beautiful. I plan to put a salt lick in my backyard for them.

Bought a couple of cedar bird feeders last night. One is a little gazebo. It’s cute. I don’t know how long it will take the birds to come to the feeder—generally it’s a week or two—but I hope it’s not too long. When I was in college nobody took over my job of feeding the birds in the winter and I worried about them every day and bugged my dad to put up the feeders. I’d fed them every year since I was wee, and they’d come to depend on our winter food supply. My family really ticked me off about that. I hope they all survived for those four years.

No trial for The Boy today. It’s been postponed until January. Odds are that if he enters a plea bargain, jail time will only be seven days and only on weekends. He just can’t get into any more trouble or he’ll be sent back to jail to serve a lot longer than seven days.

The snow flakes have arrived. I hope the roads aren’t too icy on the way home.
 
I’m so thankful for The Fer. I don’t deserve him at all. I was so dead set on getting a fake tree, and so out of the Christmas spirit because of the problems with The Boy and my family. And The Fer told me that a fake tree wasn’t acceptable. I’ve never had one in the past and I’ve always thought they were sub-par. My family’s had real trees for generations. Nobody ever buys a fake one. But this year I just didn’t have the energy or desire to go traipsing around that tree farm in the muck and frigid temperatures and keep track of Dobergirl and watch my dad on his back with a hacksaw and freeze my behind off. But The Fer told me that I was just going to have to deal with it and that we were absolutely going to follow tradition, no arguments tolerated.

Sunday we went up there and the four and a half inches dumped by the storm was all over the ground and the trees and it was perhaps the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. We found some beautiful Frasier Firs, and shelled out $70 each for them (one for me and one for my parents), but it was so worth it. It’s the most beautiful tree and The Fer and I set it up and decorated it immediately. And Dobergirl got to run through the tree farm in the snow and had the time of her life. I’m so thankful that The Fer made me go up there. He was right: I would have definitely regretted getting a fake tree. Decorating it really got me and my parents (who came over to help) into the Christmas spirit which has been so scarce since we got the news of The Boy’s impending incarceration. I now feel almost full in the spirit, and The Fer strung lights all over the house. It’s delightfully tacky. He really made me happy this weekend, and he made my parents happy too. I don’t know how to tell him how much he means to me. He must really love me if he goes to such lengths. I try to do the same for him, but sometimes I think it comes across as female bossiness instead of caring. I need to work on that. Especially now I’m trying very hard to be a better person, for him and for myself.

Friday they sent us home early because the roads were heinous. I thankfully had 4wd, but before I put it into 4wd, I had quite the spin-out in the parking lot. Almost crashed into another car. The ride home was long and frightening. Thank God for my car. So many people on that windy road had sedans and rear-wheel drive, and I was more worried about their smashing into me than I was about losing control myself. On Saturday morning my dad and I got up early and took three of the dogs up to the golf course. The snow was fresh and sparkly, and the sky was azure. Dobergirl must have covered five miles to our two. She was in her glory. I took some photos, and I desperately hope that they turn out. It was great to spend a morning in the snow with my father, doing what we’ve always done in the past. He’d been heading to the office when he saw me out in the yard taking photos, and he chucked his briefcase and offered to take me on the first snow hike of the winter.

Sometimes I long for St. Petersburg, and the life I led in Florida, on my own and independent. No family strings; total freedom. The beach, the sun, the warmth, and friends all around. But then I remember those quiet moments when I’d miss the hills and the snow and the opportunity to walk with my father in the woods. Family is everything. And if I go off to grad school in the south, my parents won’t come with me. They’ll stay where they’ve always been. It’s been hard for me to not be in my field, to not be getting on with my degree and my career, but it’s going to be equally hard to not be able to walk next door and see my family. They’re lives are half over now. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from The Fer, it’s to not take them for granted. They won’t be around forever.

Stayed home yesterday with intestinal distress. Sat by the Christmas tree. Today it seems to be morphing into a cold. Meanwhile, The Fer and I have gone back to the gym. Even though therapy is over, my knee has a long, long way to go. I really feel good about it. Plus the cut down the center of my abs is looking pretty nice. Sitting in the hot tub after my workout, my bathing suit actually had some surplus material in the lower abdominal region. I celebrated by making Christmas cookies with The Fer.. Just seemed the logical thing to do.
 
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